MY BF Broke Up with me but Still Wants to be Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2013 1:50 AM GMT
    Sorry ahead of time for the long thread but I need some input on whether this is a good idea or not of remaining friends with a former boyfriend who wants to "go back to being friends like we used to be"

    My BF and I initially started out as friends and over the months became closer to the point where we were infatuated with each other but didn't say anything. After 3 months of being friends I revealed my feelings to him and we agreed to date but he told me upfront he couldn't make "any promises it would lead to a relationship and we should take things slowly"

    For the first 7-8 months things were great and I really fell hard for him since he was nearly everything I look for in a guy; we never really argued and such, but there signs existed that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship or not (for ex sometimes being distant and not wanting to cuddle together occasionally which I thought was normal, being reluctant to move in together when he told me he was apartment hunting, not introducing me to his family when they visited)

    The past couple of weeks recently when I was staying over at his apartment were him being distant and this increased to levels where he didn't want to cuddle at all and not wanting to do anything the next day (only wanting to play video games with his roommate) I could feel him pulling away. Last night after 1.5 years together he finally told me we're better off being friends and he never really loved me. He had more of a high level infatuation/ attraction toward me rather than love. If he wasn't ready for a relationship that wasn't good for either of us and he values my friendship more- needless to say I was devastated since it seemed sudden to me but he thought he was easing us back into friendship with his pulling back toward friendship hints...

    I'm wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this? We're back to being friends now like before in his mind since he said he's fine hanging out with me this coming weekend like we used to when we were friends instead of me spending it overnight at his place if I'm OK with that. I'm not sure how to feel though... I don't want break all contact off and shut him out but having feelings for a friend is hard when they're not reciprocated...

    My roommate told me in time it's alright to be friends again if we're on good terms once all those residual romantic feeling are gone: "there's more guys in NYC that know they want a relationship looking for someone like you than you think. It's not worth time crying over the loss of him as BF when #1 he wants to be friends like before which is not an end to seeing him- just an end to being intimate with him and #2 There are potentially better guys out there who would be much better boyfriends and will put any romantic thoughts of him out of your mind of holding out for the possibility of him wanting you back when he realizes he just wants you as a friend" (I honestly think he just doesn't know what he wants at this point and is scared of commitment and wants some space to work things out for himself but I don't want to over think it)

    That's one way of looking at it I guess. Anyone have any additional advice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2013 2:15 AM GMT
    I'm not going to tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea because that advice is kind of bullshit when you're so infested in a singular person. So I won't.

    However, at this point, all you can do is move on. He clearly said that he didn't want to be with you. He said "no" - case closed - full stop. THIS is why you cannot entertain any idea of being together with him. And at this point, there isn't any thing you can do about his feelings. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want.

    This might be tough love but you might have to spend time around him and get used to the idea of him talking about his conquests and whose he's dating. It's gonna hurt like a bitch but how can you expect to be his friend if you can't handle seeing him with someone else? Maybe not IMMEDIATELY...since just the sight might break your composure.

    And it will hurt for awhile. Which is why you cry it out. Cry it all out while you wait for the sun to come back up - it always does.
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    Nov 08, 2013 2:19 AM GMT
    I agree with your roommate. I think the ex is just not ready to get serious and needs space. Let him have it and who knows, you may find your way back to each other some day. Did I really just say that? Anyhoo, Good Luck!!
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    Nov 08, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    IceBuckets said you might have to spend time around him and get used to the idea of him talking about his conquests and whose he's dating. It's gonna hurt like a bitch but how can you expect to be his friend if you can't handle seeing him with someone else?

    Answer: you can't.
    As long as you're still emotionally involved you can't relate as just a friend. It would be a doomed exercise in self-deception - telling yourself you're salvaging a friendship when in fact what you're doing is hanging on to the connection at any cost and trying to get more out of it than he is willing to give.
    The solution is to break off contact long enough for your feelings to fade. Only at that point could you be real friends.
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    Nov 08, 2013 5:05 AM GMT
    You CAN ONLY be friends with an ex IF and ONLY IF the break is 100% mutual. And we both know that is rarely the case.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 08, 2013 5:28 AM GMT
    Well that sucks.

    You have an emotional investment in the relationship so of course it is going to hurt. How could it not? There's going to be grief because you're loosing something you wanted and part of your own identity is wrapped up in it. Give yourself time to heal, emotionally.

    *Maybe* you can be friends with him. Maybe not. But right now you need to take care of yourself, however that works best for you. You can't just turn off how you feel or make it be 'friends' when what it was to you was something a whole lot more than that. That just isn't realistic.
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    Nov 08, 2013 5:49 AM GMT
    for goodness sake, why the hell would u want to be friends with your ex, especially right after u have broken up. If u dnt put a distance from him, ull always be his bitch (im sorry but its true). Take some time to heal and then maybe u can entertain a possibility of friendship.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 08, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    Sucks ... but you can't force someone to love you

    move on with your life and date other guys