Ask if he is Gay or not?

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    Dec 03, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    I have a really good friend, and we hang out all the time. I dont know if he is gay or not and really want to know. If we hang with a big group of ppl and they ask or make gay remarks he plays along as if he is gay with me (talks dirty, rubs my leg etc.) and when we text and we talk about things he will make sex remarks (ex. i like my men in uniform, oo i like a swetty man). But sometimes he talks about him and his x gf and them having sex etc. We do a lot together...and i want to know if he is gay. Is it worth the friendship to ask? what should i do?

    thanks!!
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    Dec 03, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    Perhaps you should just assume he is. It sounds like he's done everything but knock you over the head with it.

    I had a lot of jock friends when I was around your age who would kid around. One would often put his arm around me and even on occasion would give me a kiss on the cheek when drunk. When we shared rooms he slept naked but we were never in the same bed.

    With him and few others there were these constant signals but never did I hear anything as blantent as that. I suppose the closest was when when the point gaurd on the b-ball team asked me "why do you date bitches" and followed with all women are bitches. Then squeezed my shoulder and said "loosen up you seem tense". This occured while lying beside him on his bed listening to music. I was too paranoid to do anything. Another big muscle friend after a sweaty workout, reached over to a penthouse forum I had bought and opened it up to an article on homosexuality while siting beside me on my bed. Again, too paranoid to do anything.

    If either had told me how he liked his men at that point I might have gone a bit further.

    Ask him if he still likes girls the next time he talks about a girlfriend. That way it can sound like a joke if he takes it the wrong way.
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    Dec 03, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    Why would asking jeopardize your friendship?

    The dude is practically giving you a handjob and you think asking about his sexuality is too personal?

    Stop dicking around and just ask him.
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    Dec 04, 2008 1:00 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidWhy would asking jeopardize your friendship?

    The dude is practically giving you a handjob and you think asking about his sexuality is too personal?

    Stop dicking around and just ask him.


    yeah it just seems as if he is straight, and is just messing around for fun because he thinks its funny which it is... I dont want to jeopardize what we have as firends... but we are going on a 2hr road trip to a football game this friday so it should be intresting.....haha
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    Dec 04, 2008 1:05 AM GMT
    robotman16042 saidyeah it just seems as if he is straight, and is just messing around for fun because he thinks its funny which it is... I dont want to jeopardize what we have as firends... but we are going on a 2hr road trip to a football game this friday so it should be intresting.....haha


    If he is straight and knows you are gay then he is being a jerk for playing with your heart/crotch like that. I think this conversation will be good for the two of you. You get something off your chest, the friendship becomes more intimate as you have a deeper understanding of each other, and if he is straight he learns that gay guys can't be hit on without something happening.

    I wouldn't ask him on the road trip though. It could be 2 hours of camaraderie. Or it could be the most awkward 2 hours of your life.

    Let us know how it goes Mr.Robot.
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    Dec 04, 2008 1:17 AM GMT
    Well no im not out, and that would be wierd if he was not, but he really likes messing with me and saying how he wants to do a pat down on me in a text msg ....then he just writes "haha jk" so idk, he is really fun a GOOD looking....thanks
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    Dec 04, 2008 1:29 AM GMT
    Well there you go. You have the perfect opportunity. By coming out to him you give him an opening to do the same to you. If he is cool with it, your friendship is that much stronger. If he isn't, you just booted an asshole from you life. A win win situation.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 04, 2008 1:58 AM GMT
    Agree with the above... Whether he is or isn't gay, it seems like he thinks you are. Get it out in the open. I can make no guarantees, but I think it'll turn out okay one way or another.
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:19 AM GMT
    Let his own actions prompt the question. The next time he does something with you like you've described here, ask him, in a friendly way, is he gay? He can't blame you for wondering, if he's acting that way.
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:31 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidLet his own actions prompt the question. The next time he does something with you like you've described here, ask him, in a friendly way, is he gay? He can't blame you for wondering, if he's acting that way.


    Then it could ruine our friendship if he is not gay...like i said he has pics of hot girls on his phone and he said he has had a lot of sex with them to..........and he kinda likes to hang at hooters!
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:32 AM GMT
    Get the biggest sign you can find and write, "R U HOMO?" and scream as loud as you can to get his attention.

    and don't stop screaming.
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:38 AM GMT
    robotman16042 said
    Red_Vespa saidLet his own actions prompt the question. The next time he does something with you like you've described here, ask him, in a friendly way, is he gay? He can't blame you for wondering, if he's acting that way.


    Then it could ruine our friendship if he is not gay...like i said he has pics of hot girls on his phone and he said he has had a lot of sex with them to..........and he kinda likes to hang at hooters!


    Then you've answered your own question: you can never ask him. Please don't ask us a question if you've already determined your answer.
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:40 AM GMT
    I have been down this road 8 times before. Close buds. Good lookin. Seemingly straight, but gay remarks towards you a lot.

    7 out of 8 of the people I questioned were, in fact, straight. The 8th told me he was straight, but i found out later he was NOT straight at all lol. Just my history. I would look into his past if you can? How many GFs? Does he talk to other guys this way?

    All I know is straight guys, for some reason, love talking gay. Its the coolest thing ever. They send you a message "hey whats up tyler", I say "nothin, watchin tv, you" they say "WISHING YOUR COCK WAS IN MY MOUTH" or shit like that. but its all on this invisible joke-filled layer of the friendship that gay guys often dont see. Because if he is straight, the SECOND you confront him seriously, he will most likely flip a shit. So the most likely senerio is this:

    A. He is straight
    B. He loves downing gay-related anything
    C. He believes you are straight

    For my experience, thats whats going on. Or, he really could be trying to get you to respond. Like they said above, your either gaining a lover or loosing an asshole. Either aint that bad lol. Good luck bro.
  • Enderby

    Posts: 24

    Dec 04, 2008 2:48 AM GMT
    I have such a similar experience!

    Most of my friends are very athletic guys. I had one friend who always claimed to be straight. But he never had a serious interest in girls as far as I could tell. He did watch straight porn, but insisted in watching it with other guys. We became very close over about 3 years (we had known eachother for over 8 years prior). Over those 3 years, our friendship grew and all. We got eachother gifts even, etc. (kinda unusual to get your "straight" guy friends Under Armour and $150 dinners).

    On 2 different nights we were wasted (like and respectable college student ought to be..). The first, he kissed me. The 2nd he told me how he had kissed other guys.

    The most interesting thing happened about a year ago. We were on a little trip with our friends and we were sharing a room. There were 2 beds. He insisted on taking the bigger one even though I was in it. I said hell no and he said he would jump in naked if I didn't move. So I said fine go for it.

    He went to to feel me up all freakin night. The next morning, he would barely talk to me. After that, he totally avoided me and made up excuses after excuses of why he couldn't hang out.

    So moral of the story is: dont be so quick to act on thinking someone is gay. It might freak them out or push them away. U have to let people do it on their own terms. As for my situation, who the heck knows what my friend is or if he liked it or if he was too wasted to know.
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    Dec 04, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    robotman16042 said
    Red_Vespa saidLet his own actions prompt the question. The next time he does something with you like you've described here, ask him, in a friendly way, is he gay? He can't blame you for wondering, if he's acting that way.


    Then it could ruine our friendship if he is not gay...like i said he has pics of hot girls on his phone and he said he has had a lot of sex with them to..........and he kinda likes to hang at hooters!


    I agree with Vespa and Munching:

    1. Just let it happen casually - also, when it comes to the girls, there is a possibility he is bi.

    2. Why would it ruin your relationship if you ask? Are you out to him? If so, this shouldn't be an issue - it's just a question. If not, then your real question seems to be how you should ask and will it out you in having the curiousity. In any case, why would you want to friends with someone that wouldn't accept you or that isn't open minded enough to answer a question without getting offended. Is he an adult?

    Good Luck!
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    Dec 04, 2008 3:09 AM GMT
    Honesty is the best policy and I cant think of a better time than heading to a football game together. You definitely should come out to him and then allow him to act or react based on what you've told him.

    It seems from what I have read so far, that he may in fact be trying to get you to come out to him...... in his round a bout way of joking around and texting you- but if he is a true friend it's really not going to matter either way... of course, if he is gay too- then you should have one great time this weekend and if he's not, you should have a good time anyway!

    Looking back on my life I wish I had come out to many of my close friends back then. It would have made my life so much easier. I waited until my mid-20's to "break the news" to family and friends.

    Good luck and keep me posted on how things turn out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 12:51 PM GMT
    Agree with Tyler. Acting gay is a great way to loosen up what would normally be very restrictive masculine friendships. It allows excsues for say... texting him because you missed him, or hugging him. Lots of my friends are like that. And most are pretty serious with their girlfriends (a few have wives LOL).

    Example:

    Straight guy misses his straight friend but is afraid his friend will think he's gay if he tells him he misses him. The solution? Do it the ghey way! LOL. That way they both get a laugh out of acting gay and they just the guy just told the other guy he missed him in an indirect yet fun way.

    Guy to guy friendships has always been limited by the fear of being looked upon as gay. In contrast to girl to girl friendships which is much more open. Hence why guys act gay to get past that boundary. Notice how it's much more comfortable to act gay than to always be masculine and gruff around good friends?

    That said, it never hurts to ask. If you really need to know the answer. icon_razz.gif Who knows... Santa might be listening this time. icon_wink.gif

    But a word of warning. Once he confirms he's straight. Respect the boundary. Kill all feelings for him AT ONCE if you want to keep the friendship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2008 2:50 PM GMT
    I never have this experience with straight men! It's not fair.
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    Dec 05, 2008 6:07 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidI never have this experience with straight men! It's not fair.


    Shocking! We learn something new everyday. Do you need some pointers I have the art down pat.

    Now to all those who think he should just blare it out remember he is 19 and all kids are a bit confused at that age. Enedrby's story is a good on. I've gone through this countless time. More recently it's been with married and divorced guys with girlfriends and in this case it is really easy to cut to the chase. I know all the questions to ask and the situations that could give them away. But at 19 I was clueless. The passage I wrote above has a sequel similar to Enederby's. I ran into the muscle guy on the streets of NYC five or six years later. We gave each other a big hug went for a quick dream and man plans for brunch. He brought his GF and a friend in his circle that I always thought was gay.

    I called him a few times after the brunch but he never returned any of my calls. I ran into his gay friend later one night at a bar. I admit that I had always thought he was hot. He said, "I know. I realized it at the brunch. I told D. afterwards the you are gay and are after him." I never heard from D. again. I'm now convinced he was conflicted.

    On only one other occasion has friend had a problem with my coming. One said he was shocked and had to completely rethink his feelings towards me. The next thing I knew he start talking about us having sex! We fooled around a bit one night. He was rock hard but laughing most of the time. Later he settled into a five year relationship with a friend.

    Moral of the story. It is not a problem coming out to a st8 guy but with the curious and conflicted it is.
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    Dec 05, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    Leave it be! Go with the flow and when he's ready, he'll share with you!
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    Dec 05, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    Have you ever thought that with all of his comments and flirting that he is trying to get you to come-out to him? Maybe that's his way of letting you know that he is OK with you being gay....
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 06, 2008 12:41 PM GMT
    Risky business here ...
    You might wind up losing a friend over it
    Better off stickin with the sure things
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    Dec 08, 2008 4:56 AM GMT
    mmm why don't you ask him if he wants to checkout a bathhouse with you. That should answer your question.icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2008 12:16 PM GMT
    Well, robotman....... how did the football game go? anything take place? keep us posted....
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    Dec 08, 2008 1:03 PM GMT
    I'm always confused about how people don't want an issues made about sexuality but then people need to know what banner you stand under, what label you have been stamp with. I'm not having a go at you at all!

    But..... if some-one was to ask me, just out of curosity. They may not get a truthful answer, only because I fale to see the relevance. Why, so the other person feels more at ease; not good enough.

    But then I may be fruitful and tell em yes I am a fag; and I do use that word, for it is what I am. Then they don't belive me, so I then fail to see, what the point in asking was.

    While gay people make an issue out of what sexuality another is, they can't complain when another makes an issue of their sexuality.

    But then.......... I love to play the great Aussie sport: "apathy"!