Coming out...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    So this past weekend I was visiting my family back on the west coast and on my way back I decided to finally to come out to my family, mom and brother but not my dad (yet).

    Here's a little background. My brother and I are really close(16 months apart), we have same friends and hang out a lot. One of my friends thought that hey may have been suspecting before but never said anything. Otherwise my family is not very religious but we were born in another country (Georgia) which is very traditional and isn't very welcoming or open to gays etc.

    So this past weekend I was in my brother's room watching football and he was telling me about this massage place we should go later that afternoon. When he began looking for a number for me to call and it got all quiet I began to tell him how during my last visit from east coast I was going to tell him something but didn't get a chacne to and that so far only he knows. Then I told him i was gay and he replied "What else is new" and we continued talking about our plans for that afternoon like nothing happened.

    Now, I am not sure if he already knew/suspected and is really cool with it or just said what he did since he didn't want to talk about it and just punted that convo for later.

    My mom I told later that same day at night. My dad was around the house so I took her to our garage and said I had something to tell her, that I still love her and wanted to let her know that I'm gay. She surprinslgy didn't cry, just stood up adn hugged me and then began to ask me some questions. Funny enough first one was how are you gonna have kids and are you gonna have a normal life etc, who else knows.

    So Wanted to get people's thoughts on whether I should just let them marinate the situation between two of them before I bring it up again (which I'm sure will be during xmas break when I go back to visit) or bring it up sometime during our conversation if they don't bring it up.

    Especially with my brother, he always (just like my dad) doesn't really let his feelings out so not 100% sure how he fells.

    Thanks again for any feedback and thoughts icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2013 6:00 AM GMT
    Things seem to have went well as far as you telling your family and not getting any negativity. I would say you let them ask the questions or bring it up, if they want to know without prying to see what their reactions or thoughts are. That's at least how I would handle it)However, you know your family of course better than anyone else so I also suggest that you use your best judgement. Congratulations, and good luckicon_smile.gif
  • Borski1992

    Posts: 153

    Nov 15, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    That is awesome man, congratulations. As for bringing it up or letting them bring it up, I personally would just let conversation flow naturally. If they want to bring it up let them, if not, don't force it. However I also don't know your family, and if you think you should bring it up, follow what your instincts say. They haven't been wrong so far have they?
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    Nov 15, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    So when your brother said "what's new", you could have asked how he knew and how he felt. Since you two are close, he probably would tell you honestly.

    As with many out stories I have heard, it's usually the hardest with the dad. I hope it goes well with you.
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    Nov 15, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    I think it depends on your goals. Coming out is a HUGE deal for the person but I've found, oftentimes, it isn't as big a deal for others as we've been told. I think its important for you to know if some people will still "accept" you for being gay. As for your dad/brother, straight men often communicate and see life in a very different way than women and gay guys do because of how we're all socialized. So your brother and dad may not ever really care to talk about it but that doesn't mean that they don't care about you. In fact, sometimes the more they care, the less interested they may be in discussing certain things that make them feel uncomfortable. Just let them observe through you.

    I think the other thing I've often thought to myself is once they know you're gay "what else is there left to talk about on the topic?" You like dudes. They know it. Be happy and don't be alarmed that something that should be a non-event is... a non-event. If they have questions, answer them... But I'm a fan of letting people ask versus assuming that they want to be talking about my sex and love life. I'm a private person though. Congrats.
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    Nov 15, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    Well, congratulations! Wow, that's a big move! I'd give them time to process it. You've had almost 30 years, they need time. If they did know, then they just need the time to deal with what they thought. If they didn't know, then give them time to think about it and come to you.

    As for your dad, you should share it with him too. It might be harder for both of you but he'll feel left out when he finds out you didn't share it with him. Let him know that it was harder, for fears that he wouldn't accept you but that you love him just like you did yesterday.

    Often there's speculation but unless you've done something or someone else has clued them in, it's just speculation. Hearing it from you is very important and a big move to rid a giant weight from your shoulders. Be yourself and emphasize to them all that you're no different than you were before telling them and you're not going to be changing so if they loved you before, they should just keep loving you now. And with that smile of yours, who couldn't keep loving you! icon_smile.gif Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2013 5:37 PM GMT
    So your bro knew YET was looking to go to a "massage place"? OK...

    http://www.pflag.org - lotsa info here on family dynamics around coming out, among other things.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 15, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    ha ha ha well congrats on telling your family. secondly, i think your brother probably already knew. i say leave and move on. now your mother on the other hand is funny and sounds like most typical moms. i do not think you have anything to worry about buddy. i say tell your father and move on. i think you were looking for a more reactive type of response from both and you did not get it. trust me, take that and run with it. do not over think this buddy. just be happy with the outcome from both your brother and mother
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Nov 15, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    I'd take it a step further. Ask your brother how your mom is doing with the news. And... whether she's told your dad. That'll open up the conversation between you two. If he doesn't seem to want to talk about it, you'll know where things stand and you can just leave it alone. If he talks easily about it, he may also talk to your mom and see where she is and what she thinks about telling your dad. In matters like this, although you are the one at risk, I do think it is unfair to ask your mom to keep secrets from your dad. That isn't good for a marriage. You need to tell him but considering where you left it when you told her, she may appreciate being consulted. If no one is forthcoming, just tell your dad and be done with it. Good luck, mate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    Congrats to to you.We hope it all goes smoothly.icon_smile.gif Ryan and Ruben.
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    Nov 17, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    UPDATE:

    The other day my mom called me and we had an hour long conversation where she asked me every question in the book since she's so curious and had no idea (have you tried being with a girl, etc).

    But glad to say after that long conversation it is pretty obvious that she's supporting me 100% no matter what and even coming to realization that I will be telling my dad and rest of my family (aunt and grandma) next year after I finish school, so at least she somehow "an get him ready" for it. She also gonna talk to my bro this weekend and kinda see how he feels and where he stands, since just like my dad he doesn't really let his feelings out so be good to see if to him it was really a no surprise or he just played it off to keep his cool.

    Otherwise, thank you everyone here for your positive messages of support and encouragement. Hindsight 20/20, kinda wish now I had done this earlier, but much different when you leaving in the house and fear all those things that we fear not knowing their reaction.

    So Thank Youicon_biggrin.gif
  • texas7t

    Posts: 40

    Nov 17, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    How long did it take you to come to terms that your gay?
    You can not exspect family to just except it in a few minutes..
    Live your life, if they want to be a part of it they will ask you shot you have been doing and who your dating..
    Most of my family has been cool with it, They have no choice if they want me to be apart of the family.
    My cousin on the other hand .... Considers me dead..
    So be it..
    The closest family most have are the friends who love you for you..
  • texas7t

    Posts: 40

    Nov 17, 2013 6:02 PM GMT
    Armorian,
    As for telling your aunts and uncles etc.. Why?
    Did they tell you they are straight?
    Do they tell you what they do in the bedroom?
    Just go living.. If some one sakes you about a girlfriend, then you can say no, but I have a boyfriend..
  • sideout

    Posts: 57

    Nov 17, 2013 6:32 PM GMT
    Congrats - my dad is pretty similar. Farm-raised, not great at speaking his mind - I just let him come back to it in his own time. Had he given me any grief for it, I would have made sure we had a good talk, but it just took him some time to understand it. My brothers and mother took a little bit of time to get to the point of joking around and being normal again but not too long surprisingly. Just be patient, they're your family icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2013 2:21 AM GMT
    texas7t saidArmorian,

    How long did it take you to come to terms that your gay?
    You can not exspect family to just except it in a few minutes..
    Live your life, if they want to be a part of it they will ask you shot you have been doing and who your dating..
    Most of my family has been cool with it, They have no choice if they want me to be apart of the family.
    My cousin on the other hand .... Considers me dead..
    So be it..
    The closest family most have are the friends who love you for you..

    As for telling your aunts and uncles etc.. Why?
    Did they tell you they are straight?
    Do they tell you what they do in the bedroom?
    Just go living.. If some one sakes you about a girlfriend, then you can say no, but I have a boyfriend..


    I am not expecting them to accept it within few minutes it was meant in terms of long-term over next few years. To me closest family isn't my friends but my actual family including my aunt, grandma. I do not know your family situation but the way I was brought up (I'm originally from Rep. of Georgia) family is always first and we are indeed VERY close (I'm talking about your relatives just showing to your unannounced and having keys to our fam house). So to me it does matter.

    I mean no one ever tells one hey I'm straight...its always assumed that they are. However, like i said i want my family to be there at my wedding and etc and therefore I want them to know so there are no secrets. Plus every time I do go over my grandma does always ask since everyone around them is having grandkids.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    sideout saidCongrats - my dad is pretty similar. Farm-raised, not great at speaking his mind - I just let him come back to it in his own time. Had he given me any grief for it, I would have made sure we had a good talk, but it just took him some time to understand it. My brothers and mother took a little bit of time to get to the point of joking around and being normal again but not too long surprisingly. Just be patient, they're your family icon_smile.gif


    Yea I know it will take time. Although my mom is already 100% behind me and my bro I'm assuming is as well since we are super close but he's not one to express his feelings like that (fact that we chill/talk same as before already shows that).

    I know my dad will take awhile so therefore its better that I do it now and give him time to adjust.

    Thank you for the support icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2013 2:44 AM GMT
    Congratulations on coming out.

    I liked Destinharbor's advice to you, but that ship has sailed. So why not approach your brother in this non-confrontational way:

    YOU: I was really relieved at how well mom took the news I gave both of you.
    BRO: [Well, who knows what he'll say, until you ask?]
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    Nov 18, 2013 2:46 AM GMT
    well that sounds great but i wont see him till next month since hes back in cali and I'm in Boston and with his work and time difference don't have time for that convo. But I'm sure I will bring it up when go back unless he brings it up beforehand somehow.

    Thanks for the advice though icon_cool.gif
  • texas7t

    Posts: 40

    Nov 20, 2013 2:06 PM GMT
    Armorian
    Your a lucky man to have suck a good family..
    My mother was too busy to even go to my graduation.
    Parents never had time to see me when driving by 50 miles away, but would drive 250 miles out of there way to see friends.
    Could not make time to see my sister have her baby.
    Would always get a b card or Christmas card a week after.

    So my friend, you are a lucky man.