"There Goes My Life" I just found out my 17 y/o cousin is pregnant..

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    Dec 04, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    I know we hear these stories all the time but it doesn't really make me think until it's happening to me or someone close to me... Her parents are allowing her to decide whether she wants to keep the baby as in adopt or abort I assume or if she wants to keep it?!!!! WTF I don't feel she is mature enough to make such a drastic decision because if she decides to not keep this baby she will regret it for the rest of her life!!!! I feel like I can't let this happen. icon_cry.gif I can't imagine having decided this about my daughter who is now 7. I know she was old enough to make the "mistake" but how could her parents be so stupid!? I really don't know what to say to her except through the power of music... I'm hoping to find a really great song that will help her to make the right decision.
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    Dec 04, 2008 9:38 PM GMT
    While it is quite evident that you care about your cousin's future & well-being, I suggest you stay out of it completely. This family's values may be different than your own, and while your intentions aren't malicious you could be perceived as interfering in events that are really none of your concern. I don't know your cousin or her parents, but since they are allowing her to make the decision to either carry to term & give it up for adoption or to terminate the pregnancy, I can assume (or should I say hope) they are going to give her the resourses to make an educated decision. As well, I can also assume that whatever decision she makes, they will be there to support her in the aftermath. The best thing you can do is stay out of it, and support her in whatever decision she makes, and be there for her to help ease the sense of loss that will accompany whatever decision she makes.
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    Dec 04, 2008 9:46 PM GMT
    My own sister delivered an illegitimate baby, a few months short of 18. I was in the Army, and not told about it. Our mother insisted that she put the baby up for adoption, since my sister was still legally a minor and under parental control.

    The reason my mother gave was that *I* would object to my sister keeping the child! I would have done no such thing. I first learned of this more than 20 years later, when my sister told me she hated me for forcing her to lose her baby.

    My sister still blames me for the loss of her child, about which I knew nothing. Such is the power of suggestion and emotion. I haven't spoken to my sister for the 10 years since she told me this, nor will I ever.

    She believed what our parents told her at the time, and cannot adjust to what I have told her as being the truth. I will never speak to her again.
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    Dec 04, 2008 9:52 PM GMT
    I have to agree with xanadude this is really not your decision it is hers and hers alone. About the only thing you should do is to tell you whatever decision you make I support it. You do not have to carry the child, she does and it's her choice if she wants to keep it, give up or abort. Like xanadude said hopefully her parents will give her all of the resources that she needs to make an informed decision whatever it shall be.

    Good luck to you are your family! icon_biggrin.gif

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    Dec 04, 2008 9:53 PM GMT
    You can rest assured that if she is going to be regretful she will be so no matter what her decision is. She could regret giving up the child. She could regret having an abortion. She could regret having to raise a child at so young an age.

    Now imagine if her parents don't give her a choice. They force her to have an abortion. They force her to give it up for adoption. Again, no matter what they chose their is going to be resentment.

    The best you can do is stay out of it and be available to console your cousin and your aunt and uncle. Right now they need emotional support to help them through this difficult time.
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    Dec 04, 2008 9:54 PM GMT
    I think it's worth reminding you that, "The right decision," need not necessarily be the decision that you would make.

    Xanadude's words are wise in suggesting you stay out of it completely. Maybe you will be financially responsible for the baby if it is born. Maybe you will look after it when it's sick. Maybe you'll baby sit while the mother's at university. Maybe you'll be there to provide support to your cousin - because you love her - no matter what decision she makes.

    Maybe you won't.
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    Dec 04, 2008 10:05 PM GMT
    OMGBrad saidI know we hear these stories all the time but it doesn't really make me think until it's happening to me or someone close to me... Her parents are allowing her to decide whether she wants to keep the baby as in adopt or abort I assume or if she wants to keep it?!!!! WTF I don't feel she is mature enough to make such a drastic decision because if she decides to not keep this baby she will regret it for the rest of her life!!!! I feel like I can't let this happen. icon_cry.gif I can't imagine having decided this about my daughter who is now 7. I know she was old enough to make the "mistake" but how could her parents be so stupid!? I really don't know what to say to her except through the power of music... I'm hoping to find a really great song that will help her to make the right decision.


    Just because you dont agree, it does not make it a bad decision! I know you want the best for her but, Its not about YOU.

    What makes you think having a baby, is regretful for the rest of your life? Because she's young?

    Who's the father? or where is the father?
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    Dec 04, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    After you get done smacking her parents remind her that it is in her hands and this child didn't choose to be here. Tell her that many good people who can't have children of their own are clamoring to adopt a child they can love as their own. A family is...people who are there even if they aren't blood. Ofcourse, she can always choose to be a mother, the benefits out weigh the negatives as long as you always put your child first.That last one, I posted it because I'm a big mo not because that's the kind of orphanage the child might go to. I didn't know Kathy Bates was in the remake....BUYING IT!


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    Dec 04, 2008 11:35 PM GMT
    Don't judge but be supportive in her decision making. You truely never know what someone is going through until you've been in their shoes. She needs to know that the people that love her will be there for her no matter what she decides.
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    Dec 04, 2008 11:46 PM GMT
    Sorry but I think her parents are doing the right thing.

    OMG, has anyone got Joan Crawford's phone number? A wire hanger may be needed. Would you rather that?
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    Dec 04, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    Yes. Just be supportive, like someone else said. We can tell you care about your cousin, but it is her decision after all. 17 isn't so young. My cousin had her baby when she was 14, she kept it, and is one of the best mothers I know.
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    Dec 05, 2008 12:23 AM GMT
    Breathe.

    Just because the decision's her's doesn't mean she's not going to consult others for guidance. Her parents trust her enough to make the right decision, so maybe you should let that be your guiding foundation in terms of your response.

    I think whether or not you should intervene depends on your family dynamics.

    I don't think her parents are making a bad call...some would wisk their daughters off to the abortion clinic before anyone found out. Others might kick them out on their own to fend for themselves.
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    Dec 05, 2008 1:21 AM GMT
    my sister had her first kid at 16, but she planned it.


    Life isnt over when you have a kid, sure some things stop but its not the end of your life. I helped my sister raise her two kids and now there is another one coming. Bring a kid in this world bring the whole family together, its starts a new life of everyone involved. Sure the young girl will no have a different life but it doesnt mean its gonna be a bad life
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 05, 2008 4:34 AM GMT
    My niece had her beautiful baby girl when she was 18. She is a great mother. I was shocked at first, but I am so very proud of her now!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 05, 2008 10:27 AM GMT
    Have you seen the movie Juno? I don't think giving the baby up for adoption is such a bad thing. Hopefully a family out there can be found that will give the child all the love they will ever need. Of course you don't want to give up a part of your blood line but some times the right thing to do is the hardest path to walk... Now, I'm not saying giving the child up for adoption is the right path. I'm just saying it should be considered above abortion. And possibly keeping the child... I'm sure there are a lot of great couples out there who just have shitty plumbing. They would have their own babies if they could.
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    Dec 05, 2008 11:42 AM GMT
    Agree with slapaho. Tell her to watch Juno! That's probably the best movie when it comes to these things. And the best thing you could do without being intrusive.

    Abortion should be the LAST resort, but support her, whatever her decision. It's her body and her life. Be supportive not judgmental.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 05, 2008 11:59 AM GMT
    Very sad...
    Babies having babies
    There is no 17 yr old in this country at least
    mature enough to have a baby

    But then again .... this child didn't ask to be born
    and if a decision is to be made whose would it be but your cousin's?

    I have two nieces one's 12 and the other is 10
    I'm trying to think if it happened to them what I'd think and I can't wrap my head around it
    Very tuff ... decision

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    Dec 05, 2008 3:46 PM GMT


    Here you go, OMGBrad,

    Though not sure if the song is for your cousin or for you....



    Little Green - Joni Mitchell

    Born with the moon in cancer
    Choose her a name she will answer to
    Call her green and the winters cannot fade her
    Call her green for the children who've made her
    Little green, be a gypsy dancer

    He went to California
    Hearing that everything's warmer there
    So you write him a letter and say, her eyes are blue.
    He sends you a poem and he's lost to you
    Little green, he's a non-conformer

    Chorus:

    Just a little green
    Like the color when the spring is born
    There'll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow
    Just a little green
    Like the nights when the northern lights perform
    There'll be icicles and birthday clothes
    And sometimes there'll be sorrow

    Child with a child pretending
    Weary of lies you are sending home
    So you sign all the papers in the family name
    You're sad and you're sorry, but you're not ashamed
    Little green, have a happy ending

    Chorus:

    Just a little green
    Like the color when the spring is born
    There'll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow
    Just a little green
    Like the nights when the northern lights perform
    There'll be icicles and birthday clothes
    And sometimes there'll be sorrow

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    Dec 05, 2008 7:09 PM GMT
    Pattison saidSorry but I think her parents are doing the right thing.

    OMG, has anyone got Joan Crawford's phone number? A wire hanger may be needed. Would you rather that?



    who let you out of the basement, patti?


    on a more serious note: i would agree with guiltygear. if you're gonna get involved at all (which i'm not convinced you should), push for carrying the child to term and then giving it to a family who has already said they want the child and has passed the state's requirements. that way the baby need never enter ss's clutches.
  • Koaa2

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    Dec 05, 2008 8:18 PM GMT
    Juno was very biased against abortion, to rosy of a picture.

    I am not sure how things will go, if she wasn't wise enough to use contraception, not sure how the decision making process will go.

    I would just support anything she chooses, and than make sure she is using contraception.
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    Dec 05, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    Hi OMGBrad, Im sorry that your feeling blue about this whole thing. Obviously youre very emotionally attached to this all and I recognize the love thats there BUT as many have said its not your decision to make as the guardians in HER life are doing it with or w/o her input. The whole matter is no one knows what the future will bring for this. There are chances to learn all a long the way on either decision. Just be supportive and look for the lessons and help her/them realize them. When the urge to get involved too much in the drama starts to get to you remember these few things:
    ....am I paying their bills?
    .... in a court of law, am I the designated responsible party?
    .....whose lesson really is this one for?

    good luck...feeling for you...but you'll be fine.
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    Dec 05, 2008 8:57 PM GMT
    Me and my brother decided a long time ago that if either of our sisters get pregnant in their teens.

    We will get them on a plane to London and our parents will never know it ever happened,....


    it may seem bad here, but I know three people who were expelled and weren't allowed to finish their high school educations because "They were unable to wear the school uniform with honor and pride in their condition"

    There's seldom enforced law that allows the government to imprison a women if they they can prove she intends to travel abroad for an abortion. They decided to make an example of a 15 year old girl who told government psychiatric services she intended to abort her child about 6 months ago.

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    Dec 10, 2008 8:47 PM GMT
    thanks y'all i am staying out of it but i did find a good song which i've updated my profile with icon_biggrin.gif