The Joke Thread

  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Dec 04, 2008 11:03 PM GMT
    Okay, how about everyone weigh in on some good new (or old) fun jokes -- even if they are cute but maybe not all THAT funny. I'm in the mood for some chuckles, so...I'll Start.



    Why do blondes tip-toe in front of the medicine Cabinet?


    Answer: They don't want to wake up the Sleeping Pills.

    icon_lol.gif


    I actually heard that on Fox News yesterday along with...




    Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice?


    Answer: The carton said "Concentrate"




    Next...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Dec 05, 2008 12:10 AM GMT
    No one else has a joke? Jeeeeeeze! icon_rolleyes.gif


    Knock, Knock...

    OH NEVER MIND! :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 12:15 AM GMT
    I guess Republicans are really hard up for laughs .... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Dec 05, 2008 12:36 AM GMT
    You're not serious about this thread are you?

    A friend sent me this one the other day:

    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. 

    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ' I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don' t get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' 

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 12:42 AM GMT
    Thirdbeach saidYou're not serious about this thread are you?

    A friend sent me this one the other day:

    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department......



    -Hilarious.icon_biggrin.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    Joke? That's just a typical day at a government facility.

    You wouldn't believe how many times they waxed the dirt onto my lab floor because the guy who was supposed to sweep it wasn't there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 12:58 AM GMT
    What did the girl deer say to the two boy deer when they asked her to go into the woods?

    Answer: I'll do anything for 2 bucksicon_lol.gif


    This is just a little story

    There's this guy in a bar who has too much to drink and he sees a pretty girl sitting at a table by herself.So he stumbles accross the floor to her and asks if she would go home and have sex with him,and she says gee I would like to but I can't because I'm on my menstruel cycle,and he says well thats ok I'm on my Hondaicon_razz.gif


    Another story: There's 3 old ladies in a park sitting on a bench,this guy comes along drops his pants and exposes himself.The 1st old lady was just horrified and could not believe such a thing would happen so she had a stroke.The 2nd old lady didn't know what to say or do and she had a stroke.The 3rd old lady would have had a stroke,but her arms weren't long enough to reachicon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:01 AM GMT
    Two blondes walk into a bar.

    One blonde says to the other, "Ouch! You didn't see it either?"
  • luvs2travel

    Posts: 94

    Dec 05, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    What's the difference between Sarah Palin's Mouth and her Vagina?








    A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.





    I have told this hilarious joke numerous times and I get the most bizarre array of reactions
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    lol


    what is the difference between a washer and a bf?

    answer: the washer doesn't follow me around after I dumb a load in it.


    What is the difference between your boyfriend and a refrigerator?

    answer: The fridge doesn't fart when I pull the meat out.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:08 AM GMT
    a bear and rabbit are taking a shit near each other in the forest. the bear asks the rabbit if he has issues with the shit sticking to his fur..no, never, boasts the rabbit with pride..... so the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:08 AM GMT
    luvs2travel saidWhat's the difference between Sarah Palin's Mouth and her Vagina?








    A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.





    I have told this hilarious joke numerous times and I get the most bizarre array of reactions



    OH MY FUCKING LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS THE BEST HANDS DOWN, BUT OMG THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO MEAN
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Dec 05, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    Okay: here's an old one, stop me if you've heard this one before....



    What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery Bag?






    One is made of plastic and harmful to small children, and the other is for carrying your groceries.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    Disclaimer: Please Don't be offended, I laugh at black jokes tooicon_biggrin.gif

    ok that aside this is hilarious..




    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Dec 05, 2008 1:36 AM GMT
    Okay; if you insist. I'll post another one:

    Late on Friday Afternoon a senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car sales room. Taking off down the freeway, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    Amazing !! he thought as he flew along the road enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    I can get away from him no problem thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 90 mph, 100 kph, 120 mph !

    Suddenly he thought "What on earth am I doing ? !!" I'm too old for this nonsense ! So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason I've never heard before why you were speeding like that, I'll let you go."

    The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

    'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:49 AM GMT


    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


    ba dump dump bishhhhhhh..
  • luvs2travel

    Posts: 94

    Dec 05, 2008 1:50 AM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT said
    luvs2travel saidWhat's the difference between Sarah Palin's Mouth and her Vagina?

    A: Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.

    I have told this hilarious joke numerous times and I get the most bizarre array of reactions



    OH MY FUCKING LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS THE BEST HANDS DOWN, BUT OMG THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO MEAN



    That joke make me laugh when I hear it. One woman at a party told me it was cruel. I told her that Sarah Palin's policies were cruel too. maybe she knows how it feels now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 1:50 AM GMT
    Palin 2012
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 2:14 AM GMT
    Okay...

    A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.

    The bartender takes one look at them and says..., "Is this a joke?"


    What do you call a Gay man who flies an airplane?

    The "pilot" you sexist asshole!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 2:19 AM GMT

    How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? icon_sad.gif

    USE PUMPKIN PATCH! icon_razz.gificon_smile.gificon_cool.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 2:41 AM GMT
    A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

    In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

    The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

    “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”


    280575RxAW_w.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 3:24 AM GMT
    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

    The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

    The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 3:30 AM GMT
    Did you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions?



    He just took tips . ba-dum-bum!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    So I love blonde jokes..here are some;

    A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

    The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

    The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

    After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

    The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

    "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."


    is fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying

    "If you catch me, I'm yours."

    He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

    He's back on the street and starts to think.

    "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

    So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

    "No problem," says the manager.

    Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign

    "If I catch you, you're mine."


    NUN joke

    Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
    She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 05, 2008 3:47 AM GMT
    So a blonde brunette and a red head are chatting about having kids and what not.

    The brunette says... I was on top so I'm going to have a Boy.

    The red head says... I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a Girl.

    All of a sudden, the blonde starts crying her eyes out. The other 2 are confused and begin to console her asking what is wrong. When she she blurts out






















    I'm going to have puppies!