I wanna cry

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    Dec 05, 2008 1:56 AM GMT
    I just woke up from a nap, and I'm all alone in the dark. My partner isn't here, with no note or anything. His car is gone (that I bought him new last Christmas for cash, put solely in his name), and I have no idea what to do.

    Why doesn't anyone ever care what I feel? I take care of everyone else, and no one ever gives me a second thought. This happens all the time, and I get tired of it.

    I support him, pay all his expenses, his taxes, his insurance, his utilities, and those of another friend who lives elsewhere, too, and get treated like a stranger by both of them. I certainly have the money, but I do expect a little consideration.

    I'm an ugly old troll, true, but I hoped maybe someone liked me for something other than my money. I don't wanna go through all this again, too old for it, but I wonder if I'm being played for a fool.

    I think maybe I need to be single again, and perhaps permanently. It's vain to think anyone wants me for me, prolly time to face reality. When you get this old in the gay world, if you're not wanted for your great looks, which I lack, then you're wanted just for your money. I do have money, so that's my answer.

    I love being gay, but being gay can also be a fucking pain. In the gay world you're either an Adonis, or road kill. Time for me to withdraw from the game.
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    Dec 05, 2008 1:58 AM GMT



    !!!
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:02 AM GMT



    WE JUST SENT YOU AN EMAIL!!!
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:05 AM GMT
    Oh damn tiz the season for heart break....

    Man I'm so sorry buddy, sounds like you are a great man. Your cared enough for him to support him and all you asked for was him to love you.

    There needs to be more people like you out there.

    Sure I feel like giving up but why? Why let one fucker ruin the rest of your life. If you aren't an adonis that doesn't mean shit. Who you are is all that matters. Everyone has things people come after. With me, I'm preyed on only for the way I look. Other guys are sought after for their money.

    There are messed up people out there, I know, everyone in these forums have seen me make post after post about being hurt. YOu know what though, here I am knowing that shit will happen and knowing that each guy missed out.

    I may not be one to tell you to keep your chin up but you can try. I'm doing what i can to be happy right now. Even though ive been on a few dates, nothing sexual has happened. Because of the last guy I'm not ready for anything. As bad as this sounds, I still have dreams about him and I with a family and him coming back.. Even though he was really one sided and mean, I still love the dude.He may not care and can easily go out and say he loves someone else,but I actually know what love is so im still hung up no matter how odd and fucked up he may be. In time it will go away and ill find a better person that loves me for me. YOu will feel better, I promise, I feel so much better that I see the truth
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:27 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI just woke up from a nap, and I'm all alone in the dark. My partner isn't here, with no note or anything. His car is gone (that I bought him new last Christmas for cash, put solely in his name), and I have no idea what to do.

    Why doesn't anyone ever care what I feel? I take care of everyone else, and no one ever gives me a second thought. This happens all the time, and I get tired of it.

    I support him, pay all his expenses, his taxes, his insurance, his utilities, and those of another friend who lives elsewhere, too, and get treated like a stranger by both of them. I certainly have the money, but I do expect a little consideration.

    I'm an ugly old troll, true, but I hoped maybe someone liked me for something other than my money. I don't wanna go through all this again, too old for it, but I wonder if I'm being played for a fool.

    I think maybe I need to be single again, and perhaps permanently. It's vain to think anyone wants me for me, prolly time to face reality. When you get this old in the gay world, if you're not wanted for your great looks, which I lack, then you're wanted just for your money. I do have money, so that's my answer.

    I love being gay, but being gay can also be a fucking pain. In the gay world you're either an Adonis, or road kill. Time for me to withdraw from the game.


    why would you support him so much? all his expenses? that is too much. And your supporting his friend? are you high?
    I know this sounds cruel but why are you surpised your being taken advantage of when your paying for boyfriend's friend bills.
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:39 AM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT saidOh damn tiz the season for heart break...


    Thanks for your thoughts, but I'm tougher than tough. I always land on my feet. Rather, have sympathy for anyone who crosses me.

    I learned right after I came out that the gay world wants lovely, not likable. And money is the Holy Grail. It was my own fault that I let myself be misled by vain flattery, and forgot that a troll is a troll is a troll.

    That mistake won't happen again. I'll trick, but I won't tango, not ever.
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    I don't think any respectable person would free load off someone they love. Hope the rough times are over soon Red_Vespa.
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    Dec 05, 2008 2:55 AM GMT
    dancedd saidAnd your supporting his friend? are you high?
    I know this sounds cruel but why are you surpised your being taken advantage of when your paying for boyfriend's friend bills.


    It's not his BF, but a lesbian friend. I happen to like her, and she's had some tough times. I have the money, so why not?

    But there again was a sense of being taken advantage of. People like me for my money, and nothing else, I fear. I have little else to recommend me.

    I once fell in love with a guy I knew nothing about, a bar pick-up. It wasn't until some weeks later he told me he was a multi-millionaire. I knew that was the death of our relationship, because he'd never believe I loved him for himself, not his money.

    And that's what happened. He accused me of loving him for his money, which I hadn't known about at first. And I see that happening to me, whether real or imagined. I'm too old to be attractive on my own merits, so greed is the only reason left that men want me. But I've finally learned that truth, and won't be fooled again.
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    Dec 05, 2008 3:09 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    dancedd saidAnd your supporting his friend? are you high?
    I know this sounds cruel but why are you surpised your being taken advantage of when your paying for boyfriend's friend bills.


    It's not his BF, but a lesbian friend. I happen to like her, and she's had some tough times. I have the money, so why not?

    But there again was a sense of being taken advantage of. People like me for my money, and nothing else, I fear. I have little else to recommend me.

    I once fell in love with a guy I knew nothing about, a bar pick-up. It wasn't until some weeks later he told me he was a multi-millionaire. I knew that was the death of our relationship, because he'd never believe I loved him for himself, not his money.

    And that's what happened. He accused me of loving him for his money, which I hadn't known about at first. And I see that happening to me, whether real or imagined. I'm too old to be attractive on my own merits, so greed is the only reason left that men want me. But I've finally learned that truth, and won't be fooled again.


    But regardless if you have money or not. I think paying for the friend is a bit too much. Unfortunately human nature is not perfect and if you present it opportunities to take advange over you then guess what they will. atleast most of them.

    Again I don't know you personally. But just based on your actions it was easy to see how a person can take adtange of it. atleast from my point of you. Even if your intention not to buy love. I think action speak louder than words.

    I wish you well though. I hope your BF really does love you for you and not your money icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 05, 2008 3:10 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI just woke up from a nap, and I'm all alone in the dark. My partner isn't here, with no note or anything. His car is gone (that I bought him new last Christmas for cash, put solely in his name), and I have no idea what to do.

    I take it you mean his car is gone gone...not like he might have just gone to the store. Is all his other stuff gone too?

    Why doesn't anyone ever care what I feel? I take care of everyone else, and no one ever gives me a second thought. This happens all the time, and I get tired of it.

    People value what they have to "pay" for. If he hasnt had to make any investment in you, then what's he got to lose. If he wasnt willing to "pay" something for "you" then he didnt value you very much.

    I support him, pay all his expenses, his taxes, his insurance, his utilities, and those of another friend who lives elsewhere, too, and get treated like a stranger by both of them. I certainly have the money, but I do expect a little consideration.

    And you dont value yourself very much if you give yourself away for free. Dont you think you are worth something?

    I'm an ugly old troll, true, but I hoped maybe someone liked me for something other than my money. I don't wanna go through all this again, too old for it, but I wonder if I'm being played for a fool.

    You may be ugly on the outside, but dont you have something inside?

    I think maybe I need to be single again, and perhaps permanently. It's vain to think anyone wants me for me, prolly time to face reality. When you get this old in the gay world, if you're not wanted for your great looks, which I lack, then you're wanted just for your money. I do have money, so that's my answer.

    Is money all you have to give? That would be sad. There are other ways to receive love....like from a group of friends. Some guys have a group of close friends as their "support system" and find it better than just one person alone.

    I love being gay, but being gay can also be a fucking pain. In the gay world you're either an Adonis, or road kill. Time for me to withdraw from the game.

    I must be road kill then. WHAAAAAAA!!!!! .... icon_cry.gif


    Personally, I think the first thing you need to do is post a pic of yourself. This "I'm too ugly to show myself" bullshit has got to stop. IMHO. I didnt realize that that is what was going on with that little scooter pic. But evidently, it is just a symptom of your greater problem. Do you think I like how I look?...I cringe everytime I see that pic of me...I hate that bald head....but that's me. And my face is falling like the stock market. It's called aging. Ugh! I better get used to it.
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:15 AM GMT
    cat
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:17 AM GMT
    Azwoody saidI am not being critical here, but with all your money you can get a wax job, buy the finest clothes, go get a trainer and even a face lift (things to improve who and what you want to be)...there are many more things you can do instead of pumping it down an ungrateful shit ass. You can buy a better time, than you get with him with-out the emotional shit....

    Happy Holidays and Good Luck


    I doubt a wax job will solve my problem, nor even plastic surgery. When you're nearly 60 there's not a lot you can do to stay in the gay game. My time has past, I just was slow to accept it.

    So now I go to Plan B, which is Elder Gay Guy On His Own. Actually, when I came out late at 45, I quickly understood the rules, and gave myself 10 years at the most. It's now been 15, so I've already been on borrowed time for nearly 5 years.

    I don't feel like I've been cheated, just reluctant to admit my time is finally over. Like the hammy actor I've been in the past, it takes the big hook to yank me offstage. LOL!

    But I do wish I coulda had a partner to grow old with, actually thought I had one. But my first partner died suddenly, and my second seems to have his own greedy agenda. Guess my luck is no good, or my judgment bad.
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:33 AM GMT
    Hell's bells....I am only 2 year younger than you are....and I have had prostate cancer so I am definitely "damaged goods." But I am spending my time now learning to play the piano and studying about classical music.

    I went to see an exhibit on roman art at the National Gallery of Art last weekend with a friend from the gym and his partner....that prolly wont happen again....his partner is as annoying as hell. Pompeii and the Roman Villa: Art and Culture around the Bay of Naples


    And I just learned that while I was ill, a chocolate cafe has opened nearby...
    Arfully Chocolate ...Good lord, read the About Us and tell me if these are a couple of FoD!....and look how the chocolate drink are named for movie stars....I am gonna have The Audrey first.
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:49 AM GMT
    Oh poor Vespa


    People Suck.
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidWhen you're nearly 60 there's not a lot you can do to stay in the gay game. My time has past, I just was slow to accept it.

    So now I go to Plan B, which is Elder Gay Guy On His Own. Actually, when I came out late at 45, I quickly understood the rules, and gave myself 10 years at the most. It's now been 15, so I've already been on borrowed time for nearly 5 years.


    I think gay men who come out later in life often have to deal with a huge burden of regret. And that really sucks. It is true that you missed some opportunities, but bear in mind that guys who come out at 19 can also find themselves single later in life. I know you're having a rough time, and I am sorry for that, but don't make yourself feel worse by saying "if only, if only."
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    Dec 05, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT saidOh damn tiz the season for heart break....[SNIP]


    You're very kind. But much as I love being gay, I also know that gays seldom find lasting love. There's a few I know personally, but they are exceptions, like winning the lottery. I've never been that lucky.

    It's my own fault, for coming out so late, and being so unprepared. Had I not been in stupid denial for decades, I might have learned the skills I lack now. So I don't blame others for my bad choices, only myself.

    And what I've finally had to accept if that I will continue to make bad choices, because I'll never know any better. I have great gaydar, but I can't see below the gay surface.

    But I won't become a hermit or something, I still love the gay world & life. I'll just never trust another gay man with my heart. I've had love, I've lost love, I've not been shortchanged. Life moves on.
  • dfrourke

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    Dec 05, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    Well, damn girl...have a big old cry...I'm sure it will be cathartic...

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:01 AM GMT
    SockMonkey saidI think gay men who come out later in life often have to deal with a huge burden of regret. And that really sucks. It is true that you missed some opportunities, but bear in mind that guys who come out at 19 can also find them single later in life. I know you're having a rough time, and I am sorry for that, but don't make yourself feel worse by saying "if only, if only."


    When I tried that "if only" game my gay friends reminded me that my generation was the hardest hit by AIDS. And that if I had come out in my teens, I might not be alive now.

    No, I came out when I came out, which has its pros and cons. One of the cons is my continuing gay ineptitude, and since that won't change, I need to adjust my unrealistic expectations. I can do that. I'll still love to be gay, but never have gay love. C'est la vie.
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:08 AM GMT
    sxypalestinian saidHey I am really sorry... You should go to the court get your money back. You deserve someone better.


    The court is not my answer. I bought everything willingly, and put it all legally in his name. But when I stop paying he'll not be able to afford to live where he is, and no Florida court will make me support him, especially after the anti-gay constitutional amendment they just passed.

    I still have the upper hand. Without me he goes bankrupt, whereas I have all the money I need to live as I wish without him.
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:12 AM GMT
    Admittedly you are right about the looks thing. If you are 60 and a "troll" as you say then it is going to be damn near impossible to find a young sexy guy. But you still have two options from what I can tell.

    1) Find yourself an older guy like you looking for the same kind of partner. Maybe look up that millionaire from back in the day. If you have money now too then he's got no reason to doubt you.

    2) It's a cliche but you are only as old as you feel and act. If you are feeling like it's time to throw in the towel and resign yourself to being alone then fine. But, if you still feel young and optimistic then keep that attitude despite looking aged.

    You're definitely right about gay lasting love being like winning the lottery. Hey, I'm 21 and I'm pretty sure that I'll never find someone either. Or, if I do he will eventually leave me when I'm 50 or so when my looks started taking a serious hit. I love when I see those guys on RJ who say they aren't looking for anyone cause they found the only person they ever want to be with. They are the lucky ones.
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:22 AM GMT
    All I can say, my BEST to you Red_Vespa, you WILL pull thru!!! Hang in there!
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:22 AM GMT
    Pedrosxxx saidAdmittedly you are right about the looks thing. If you are 60 and a "troll" as you say then it is going to be damn near impossible to find a young sexy guy. But you still have two options from what I can tell.

    1) Find yourself an older guy like you looking for the same kind of partner. Maybe look up that millionaire from back in the day. If you have money now too then he's got no reason to doubt you.

    2) It's a cliche but you are only as old as you feel and act. If you are feeling like it's time to throw in the towel and resign yourself to being alone then fine. But, if you still feel young and optimistic then keep that attitude despite looking aged.

    You're definitely right about gay lasting love being like winning the lottery. Hey, I'm 21 and I'm pretty sure that I'll never find someone either. Or, if I do he will eventually leave me when I'm 50 or so when my looks started taking a serious hit. I love when I see those guys on RJ who say they aren't looking for anyone cause they found the only person they ever want to be with. They are the lucky ones.


    I don't want younger. Not only is that a foolish vanity at my age, but not what I like. My own age suits me best.

    And as it happens, that millionaire guy, just 3 years younger than me, just broke up and wants me back badly. Problem is, I don't want him. Physically gorgeous, but a basket case emotionally. I may be stupid in love, but not THAT stupid! LOL!
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:29 AM GMT
    Sorry about your loss, Vespa. It's horrible for someone to only love you for something as vain as money.

    I feel the same way being African American only there's no money for that...(ha ha)

    You can definitely do better Vespa, but the most important thing you can do for yourself is to believe in your own self worth. People to love come after, i've been told.
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:31 AM GMT
    Caslon8000 saidcat


    How will having rodent pellets deposited in my hand make loneliness go away?

    OK, sorry, that was cute, and thanks! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 05, 2008 5:58 AM GMT
    Hey man Sorry,

    Do you have a big heart? Seems like you do so forget about him. Even straight people get taken. Look at how many gay and straight people are single, it's hard to find that right one but sometimes you go threw a lot of losers. I bet if you go and look in a mirror and smile, you can do it. You are beautiful and sexy, and there is someone who will love you for who you are on the inside. Least you have your health, your not poor.
    let it go revenge is not the answer. He will get his. Time to find better friends you can not buy them. If he does come home talk to him explain how you feel and if he can't respect what you feel then so be it. No man is worth beating yourself up over. BIG HUG