My son's use of Grindr

  • curious_minds

    Posts: 8

    Nov 24, 2013 6:16 AM GMT
    One of my sons is gay, who came out to me 6 years ago at the age of 16. My wife and I were surprised but accepting, so there were no issues for years, other than the fact that unlike his younger brother, my gay son rarely talks about his love life. Recently I snooped on his phone and discovered this thing called Grindr, which appears to be a hook-up app. I was extremely concerned, and confronted him about it. Unlike most of the profiles I saw there, my son didn't have a shirtless picture, and he insisted that it is possible to find a relationship there, and how hard it is for gays to find each other, etc. I don't buy it at all, and would like to get some gays' opinions on the purpose of Grindr, or what key "code" words to watch out for. Surely there must be healthier ways to look for a relationship!?
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    Nov 24, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    curious_minds saidOne of my sons is gay, who came out to me 6 years ago at the age of 16. My wife and I were surprised but accepting, so there were no issues for years, other than the fact that unlike his younger brother, my gay son rarely talks about his love life. Recently I snooped on his phone and discovered this thing called Grindr, which appears to be a hook-up app. I was extremely concerned, and confronted him about it. Unlike most of the profiles I saw there, my son didn't have a shirtless picture, and he insisted that it is possible to find a relationship there, and how hard it is for gays to find each other, etc. I don't buy it at all, and would like to get some gays' opinions on the purpose of Grindr, or what key "code" words to watch out for. Surely there must be healthier ways to look for a relationship!?


    Dude, you should consider taking Grindr off your own phone otherwise you and/or your son might find yourselves creeping on each other. That would be really awkward.
  • curious_minds

    Posts: 8

    Nov 24, 2013 6:38 AM GMT
    Just to clarify, I don't have Grindr on my phone (nor should I have a reason to!).
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    Nov 24, 2013 6:40 AM GMT
    curious_minds saidJust to clarify, I don't have Grindr on my phone (nor should I have a reason to!).


    Oh. My bad. By the way, what will you do if you run into him here on
    site-logo.png
    ?
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    Nov 24, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    Instead of asking a bunch of strangers on the internet, why not talk to your son?

    This is the right time to talk to BOTH of your sons about relationships, sex, etc. Being gay doesn't make anything different. How do you know your straight son isn't using hook-up apps too? And yes, those exist for straight people too.
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    Nov 24, 2013 7:22 AM GMT
    curious_minds saidOne of my sons is gay, who came out to me 6 years ago at the age of 16. My wife and I were surprised but accepting, so there were no issues for years, other than the fact that unlike his younger brother, my gay son rarely talks about his love life. Recently I snooped on his phone and discovered this thing called Grindr, which appears to be a hook-up app. I was extremely concerned, and confronted him about it. Unlike most of the profiles I saw there, my son didn't have a shirtless picture, and he insisted that it is possible to find a relationship there, and how hard it is for gays to find each other, etc. I don't buy it at all, and would like to get some gays' opinions on the purpose of Grindr, or what key "code" words to watch out for. Surely there must be healthier ways to look for a relationship!?


    If your gay son is 22 (out at 16 and 6 years ago)....why are you snooping on his phone? Not cool.... I have 3 sons...18, 22 and 28....I would NEVER think of snooping on their phones......try that with your wife's phone or her purse and see the reaction you get.
    There are MANY apps for gays, straights, Bi, and any combination or fetish.....at 22, its his legal business to play where he wants. Unless you are expecting him to suddenly find some relationship through "Christian magic", realize that social media is the mode of contact for the current generation....if its Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Christian Mingle, Plenty of Fish, Manhunt, Match.com or Zoosk on Facebook or any others out there....always be careful. use protection EVERYTIME, get tested for STI's...be smart and selective about hookups...The game is the same as you and wife played, but the mode has changed away from being so bar centered....its online marketing to find a mate....what sells?...Think about it...and let your adult son learn and play smart.
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    Nov 24, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    I've only had Grindr for about 2 weeks, but I can already tell one thing. As a general rule of thumb, headless pics straight from the legend of sleepy hollow are looking for sex, and those with faces are looking for a wider array of things. I had heard that Grindr was just a hookup app, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

    You really shouldn't get mad at your son about using Grindr (or having a RJ profile if he has one). It's not easy to meet potential life partners in any other way. I'm sure your son feels the same way I do.
  • Onemoresummer

    Posts: 106

    Nov 24, 2013 11:25 AM GMT
    STOP spying on your son, being smothering and plain creepy. He is an adult. He doesn't need to inform you about his live life if he does not want to.

    Find a hobby.
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    Nov 24, 2013 11:30 AM GMT
    Before Grindr many gay men used to meet "cruising" round parks or public toilets late at night so Grindr is definitely an improvement on that.

    Just tell him to meet in a public place (eg a bar) and not just go round to someone's house, where it is less easy to leave.

    Also, just ask him how each date went and be there for him to talk to.

    In terms of codes, bb is bareback, and chems or pnp (party and play) are drugs so hopefully he would steer clear of the minority of guys into that sort of thing.

    Hope this helps and well done for going to such an effort to understand and help him (although you should probably avoid snooping on his phone if you can).
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    Nov 24, 2013 11:34 AM GMT
    LOL. I semi-retract my previous reply. I didn't see OP's other thread. Didn't realize the son is 22 years old. Geez. Now I feel bad for the son. It's a pretty awful situation when parents treat their adult son like a child by spying and creeping.

    He's an adult. He's your son. Talk to him.
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    Nov 24, 2013 11:56 AM GMT
    xrichx saidLOL. I semi-retract my previous reply. I didn't see OP's other thread. Didn't realize the son is 22 years old. Geez. Now I feel bad for the son. It's a pretty awful situation when parents treat their adult son like a child by spying and creeping.

    He's an adult. He's your son. Talk to him.

    This.

    Parents can still offer adult advice & support, WITHOUT snooping. That's a trust breaker.

    GRINDR is a sleezy & dangerous way to hook-up, in my opinion. If the son also lives in Chicago then he has many better alternatives. And of course he needs to be fully educated on safe sex, which his father may not know about.

    Nor may his father know about those better gay alternatives in our community, besides GRINDR and other hook-up sites. It's possible to have an active, respectable and rewarding gay life, AND be safe, as well.

    I suggest the OP visit PFLAG, and avoid snooping on his adult son's phone.

    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
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    Nov 24, 2013 1:37 PM GMT
    No, this is not the what I'm looking for, but it does say Chicago.

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    Nov 24, 2013 1:42 PM GMT
    Okay, I found it:

    www.manmate.com

    I've used manmate.

    The founder also wrote a book.

    Now, why did I go ahead and post the other comment when that matchmaker is helping guys 40 and over? Because there's no harm to giving your son a headstart in the wisdom of male partnering. His life will be more fulfilled with your love and further wisdom from elders.

    Love,
    Steve

    P.S.: those who tell you to mind your own business? Block them and Ignore Their Posts

    Your son IS your business.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Nov 24, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    Finding a relationship on Grindr, adam4adam, or manhunt.. Ya sure.. Mainly hookup apps.. A glorified porn store or cruising park like was mentioned above.. Mostly those apps are useless, conversations on there usually end real fast.. Mostly people looking to collect pics and fantasies, lots of catfish on those.. It's best for him to go out with friends somewhere like a gay nightclub or bar that's not a sleaze joint.. Most big cities have some kind of gay community center. That's another option if he's looking to get to know people..
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Nov 24, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    Sporty_g said...at 22, its his legal business to play where he wants. ...use protection EVERYTIME, get tested for STI's...be smart and selective about hookups...


    Comments like that bring embarrassment to the gay community. Do you really think any loving parent cares what's technically "legal" for their children to engage in? Is your morality merely defined by what's "legal"?

    To OP, relationships do happen from Grindr occasionally, but 99% of the time it's either for hookups, or he's wasting his time looking for something legit there.
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    Nov 24, 2013 6:27 PM GMT
    thebearerofbadnews said
    Ohno saidBefore Grindr many gay men used to meet "cruising" round parks or public toilets late at night so Grindr is definitely an improvement on that.

    Just tell him to meet in a public place (eg a bar) and not just go round to someone's house, where it is less easy to leave.

    Also, just ask him how each date went and be there for him to talk to.

    In terms of codes, bb is bareback, and chems or pnp (party and play) are drugs so hopefully he would steer clear of the minority of guys into that sort of thing.

    Hope this helps and well done for going to such an effort to understand and help him (although you should probably avoid snooping on his phone if you can).


    how is that an improvement? icon_question.gif it's just the same thing gone digital.


    Because you can meet them in a neutral location with proper lighting and it is easier to back out or not see them again.
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    Nov 24, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    thebearerofbadnews said
    Ohno said
    thebearerofbadnews said
    Ohno saidBefore Grindr many gay men used to meet "cruising" round parks or public toilets late at night so Grindr is definitely an improvement on that.

    Just tell him to meet in a public place (eg a bar) and not just go round to someone's house, where it is less easy to leave.

    Also, just ask him how each date went and be there for him to talk to.

    In terms of codes, bb is bareback, and chems or pnp (party and play) are drugs so hopefully he would steer clear of the minority of guys into that sort of thing.

    Hope this helps and well done for going to such an effort to understand and help him (although you should probably avoid snooping on his phone if you can).


    how is that an improvement? icon_question.gif it's just the same thing gone digital.


    Because you can meet them in a neutral location with proper lighting and it is easier to back out or not see them again.


    and that's supposed to be an improvement?

    for the record, plenty of people have lost their lives because of who they've met on hookup sites.

    but on some real shit though, it's kind of sad to see how folks simply live and only rely on grindr and other hookup app in order to make friends, find their partners and etc though. you have folks that living in cities with large gay communities that they can go and find folks BUT chose to rely on grindr. i understand if you live in some spot with cornfields and etc BUT if you live in nyc, toronto, chicago, los angeles, and other areas where there is a gayborhood and etc, what is the excuse? folks don't even connect with other members of their community anymore.


    I only use it for chatting and dates alongside visiting gay bars (when I can be bothered). I would never invite someone round my house or go to theirs for a first meeting, nor meet them in a park, alley or whatever.
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    Nov 24, 2013 7:25 PM GMT
    why are you snooping on your adult son´s phone. Why doesn´t he have a passcode to keep you out? That´s the real question here. You appear to be rather intrusive and controlling.
  • mrsmithers

    Posts: 213

    Nov 24, 2013 11:20 PM GMT
    People still cruise the parks, and go to the porn stores and where ever else.. Grindr is just an enhancement tool you can take with you and cruise at the same time incase someone happens to be in the same place at the same time, looking for the same thing.. People are on Grindr in night clubs cruising..

    It's not because of these apps or the internet why people get murdered.. If someone is going to murder someone, they are going to do it regardless if they use the internet or another way.. These apps and internet is just another form of communication, so it can be used..

    Since there are no good places to go out to in my area, Grindr and adam4adam is basically the only way to find a hookup.. Bars are not so much anymore seeing how they're filled with drag queens and seem to be all one big Rupaul Show.. And basically you see the same 36 queens when you go into them..
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    Nov 25, 2013 1:17 AM GMT
    Grindr isn't even the trashiest of apps, have you been to adam4adam or Craigslist?

    Anyways I think Grindr can be used to find decent good people if you are selective . I have made a couple good friends from there .

    I think the best you can do is educate your son about sexual health and safety issues. Other than that his lifestyle choices and intentions should be personal.

    Also keep in mind that it IS harder to make friends for gay people in the real world, than it is for straight people.
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    Nov 25, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    The OP has gone inactive. Likely a troll getting some sexual thrills, or political laughs, out of his posts.
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    Nov 25, 2013 1:40 AM GMT
    I'm ashamed for all the gays telling this parent to stop giving a shit about his son.


    ART_DECO saidThe OP has gone inactive. Likely a troll getting some sexual thrills, or political laughs, out of his posts.

    Geez it's been less than 48 hours. Most people have lives and might not check RJ everyday like some, lolol.
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    Nov 25, 2013 1:51 AM GMT
    Solomono said

    I think the best you can do is educate your son about sexual health and safety issues. Other than that his lifestyle choices and intentions should be personal.



    His lifestyle choice and intentions should be public, part of the family and part of the community.
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    Nov 25, 2013 2:15 AM GMT
    StephenOABC said
    Solomono said

    I think the best you can do is educate your son about sexual health and safety issues. Other than that his lifestyle choices and intentions should be personal.



    His lifestyle choice and intentions should be public, part of the family and part of the community.


    Sure, we all want our families and the world to know all the jazz about our sex lives, who and not we are doing.. etc
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    Nov 25, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    pretty sure he's sarcastic, but who knows, his rants on OP's other thread are batshit insane.