Relationship Advice Please!

  • Noreaster

    Posts: 8

    Nov 24, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    Hey all. Alright, I've got some questions about a guy i've been seeing, and I'm kind of curious about myself in general. I really would like the opinion of other gay men because you can relate so much more.

    I recently dated a guy who's my age (24) for about 3 months. We'll call him Lucas. I definitely went into the situation viewing it as a fling because I was moving in a few months from when we started seeing each other. The relationship was very casual from the very beginning. I was intensely attracted to him. He was very very handsome, I felt he was even a little out of my league physically. We had some really great physical chemistry and adopted a very playful relationship with each other. I had been very single for about a year prior to this, and I began feeling so much better about everything when i started dating him. I was sexually and somewhat emotionally fulfilled. It was a surprising feeling. People around me noticed my increased happiness. Throughout the 3 months he played the role of the arrogant jokester, and would never really give me an inch. He almost seemed a little mean sometimes, which I felt bothered me, but I always knew I was leaving so I would just say "oh well, i'll let it slide because this is just temporary". there were times throughout the 3 months that he seemed to show a more gentle side, albeit brief. I'd ask him sometimes why he was not more gentle and loving towards me and he'd say "you like it. You wouldn't want me to just agree with everything you say, would you?". Despite his harsh language sometimes, calling me "an ass" or "a whore" he was very considerate in many ways. he was responsible and on time, and never cancelled dates with me, and payed for things without complaint. Gentlemanly in many ways.

    SO, I moved out of state (from Georgia to Delaware) to go to Grad School. I wasn't really that noticeably sad when I left him, which I took as a sign it wasn't meant to be. I thought when I got to my new home I'd be back out on the market, much more confident after that 3 month tryst. WRONG. I've had very flat, uninteresting experiences with men in the 4 months since I left Georgia. I have not been that interested in a single guy since Lucas. I feel like i'm back in my old ways of not being able to hold it together and just being uninterested with the men I meet. I have had two guys have big crushes on me since i've been here, and i did not feel the same. They were very serious people, and I just wasn't feeling it. I spoke with Lucas recently and he was quite nice on the phone, he told me he was surprised I called. I said i missed him, and he said that he has missed me since I've been gone. He said he always knew I was leaving, and that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me before, but knew I was leaving at the end of the three months. We've been talking the past week and he's been much more open, and a little more tender. He's still the same cocky guy though. I'm going home for at least 3 weeks in December/January and we have plans to see one another.

    How should I feel about this? What does this mean about me? I feel like He's possibly not someone I'd want to raise kids with because he has moments where he just seems too cocky and not tender enough. I know that is serious sounding, but I eventually want a family, and I have an idea in my head that i'm looking for a man who can be tender and kind-hearted like my father was. But then again, maybe that's how I am. Maybe I'm more of the nurturing type, and that's my role.

    have any of you ever questioned how kind-hearted a person was and that been a problem in a relationship?

    Please Help! <3
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    Relax and enjoy the ride; you can't possibly know yet until you are in a full fledged relationship with him.

    warmly, -Doug




    It has begun
    theres nothin' in the world can stop it now.
    It's in control,
    We might as well just try to stop the wind.
    so give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering:
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Destiny!
    We are what fate intended us to be.
    what can't you see?
    We're all a part of some eternal plan
    So give up!
    Give in!
    You lose!
    Love will always win.
    Start surrendering, oh!
    Stop resisting!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.

    Don't you try to understand it.
    Leave it as a mystery.
    bigger than the both of us
    We're- each other's history!

    Nothin' you can do about it
    It's too strong to be denied
    Nothin' you can do about it,
    Relax enjoy the ride.
  • JustDoYou

    Posts: 4

    Nov 24, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    Quite interesting! From what I've read, I'll assume Lucas felt the same way as you initially; perhaps this will be just a fling. It's rather common for guys to adjust their preferences away from "commitment". Many times we partially understand what commitment is nor how to obtain it authentically so we hide away in "comfort" or what's familiar. Guys especially have mysterious ways in showcasing their emotions as we are somehow taught that being emotional portrays femininity. So what is seen as "cocky", "arrogant", or "a little mean" is a suppressed form of flirting without being too "emotional" or just innocent characteristics.

    It is apparent he hasn't met someone like you and the same applies to you as well. Your paradigm experienced a shift and perhaps did his. Your idea of a man similar to your father is only just a fantasy and you perhaps may never find this guy so don't demean yourself. Sometimes it takes distance, or an absence for people to really appreciate what was or could have been which is why it was easy for him to show you that soft side while speaking from the heart on the matter of being in a relationship. He was afraid to take that step while accepting the fact of your temporary stay.

    If your move to Delaware is a semi-permanent one, it may not be wise in trying to pursue a long distant intimate relationship as it will be stressful. I can't begin to tell you how YOU should feel as those will be false feelings from another living life should you try to feel them. What you are experiencing is utterly natural and is felt by both men and women alike. While in Delaware, keep your eyes, heart and options open and your mind off "what could have been back in Georgia" or you may stay in that bubble of your old ways.