gay relationship success rate blah blah blah

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    Dec 06, 2008 2:19 AM GMT
    Ummm Ok. Sorry about this guys about I just need to rant a little. So all day today I've been constantly reminded about how gay relationships don't work out and how I need to enjoy my boyfriend now because it's only a matter of time until he'll cheat on me (says my bestfriend) or whatever.

    So I was in the bathroom taking my afternoon shit, I started to think about what makes me gay, and that reason is the fact that I love playing with boys (sexually and non sexually) I enjoy enjoy being physical with boys (I don't know know why I was thinking about this in a time like that some please don't ask lol)

    Anyway, I tried applying that thought to the gay relationship crisis and I concluded that what if some there are more people that are gay for the really same reason. I thought, what if said people only really wanted to be with another guy for one reason like sex or play time or love. Depending on the reason will alter the path the relationship would take from beginning to end. However, two people equal two motives in a relationship. One person cause be in it for love and the other person cause just be in it because it's something to do. Or classic, One person could be serious about a relationship while the other person only intended to be a "flirt buddy" (which I've seen a lot)

    But what about long term relationships? Why don't they last? I don't understand how some people can say they have been in a 6 or so long relationship, living together no doubt and it doesn't workout. But hey... I'm only 18 I'm sure that I'll learn about that later in life... I mean shit happens, no?

    So anyway, my point is that why is it that gay relationships always have to be put out there as most likely to fail? I mean, it's on the news, on the tongues of our friends and all over the internet. But it's seriously not just the gay people doing things like this. Though a gay relationship don't last that long, my realization to this is, and I reiterate the third paragraph, what if it has something to do with the very reason that someone is gay and not just being a twisted person? If I think of the over all gay relationship ratio that way, I can walk out of bathroom happy.
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    Dec 06, 2008 2:31 AM GMT
    I think heterosexual relationships are just as likely to fail. I think one aspect of any relationship is finding compatability.

    Remember that it is fun the first year. Then you actually get to know the person. Relationships require work. When they fall apart it's because people stop working.

    We work on our relationship alot. Sure it's very easy for me to get frustrated and not communicate that, but it always makes for great sex afterwards!LOL
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    Dec 06, 2008 2:45 AM GMT
    debussy81 saidI think heterosexual relationships are just as likely to fail. I think one aspect of any relationship is finding compatability.

    Remember that it is fun the first year. Then you actually get to know the person. Relationships require work. When they fall apart it's because people stop working.

    We work on our relationship alot. Sure it's very easy for me to get frustrated and not communicate that, but it always makes for great sex afterwards!LOL


    Wow! I'm with you on the sex thing lol. But I know what you mean be work. For example, about 2 weeks ago me and my boyfriend were going to break up because we tended to argue a lot. The reason for all the argument that was going on was because I was very irritable about all the nothingness that was going on in my life. I mean, I'm not in school right now because I'm transferring and stuff, but the main reason was because I was losing all of my friends (through normal growing up or just not having anything in common anymore or they would just stop talking to me all together). After hearing Sai (my bf) saying, " i just can't deal with you with we're going to argue all the time" I broke down of the thought of the most important person leaving me too and vented my heart out. He apologized and offered to help me make new friends (something I'm VERY bad at lol)
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    Dec 06, 2008 5:44 AM GMT
    Something like half of heterosexual marriages don't work, either. And there are exit barriers there (children, legal process of divorce) which don't exist for most male couples.

    Even if 99% of the other gay relationships don't last it doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend can't have a lasting relationship. It's all up to the two of you. If you're willing to put in the effort to make it work, it will.

    As you say, you have to have the same agenda. But that's usually to start a relationship. If one guy is in it just for sex and the other is looking for a relationship there won't be a relationship. Once you have the relationsihp, you both have to be committed to nourishing it. And then you'll both reap the rewards.

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    Dec 06, 2008 8:28 AM GMT
    its to do with the person, not the sexuality.

    A successful long lasting relationship isn't made just because you want it.

    The relationships I've seen fail (and I've seen a lot) have usually fallen apart when one or both start getting bored or unwilling to sacrifice something.

    I say bored, because the passion starts to fade, or at least, that exciting passion that makes you want fuck like rabbits on crack, this is usually about when they start looking elsewhere for that "excitement" or, they start wanting to spend less and less time together.. this is actually really normal in a relationship, the passion changes into something else, something that is far more interesting and more exciting, if they let it. But most don't for a multitude of reasons, I think its because of a lack of instant gratification, we are so used to having everything right now, I found that passion and change was slow and sometimes difficult to see/feel and not as instantly gratifying, but more deeply satisfying, but thats just my opinion.

    The sacrifice thing is more difficult, you have to be willing to give up a lot for a relationship, I'm not talking about friends or hobbies, but other things, little things, things that you take for granted, I can never properly articulate my meaning of this, perhaps someone else can.. but.. any ways.

    its not the fact someone is gay that stops them from having a relationship, you gotta be in the right frame of mind and be willing to have a real long lasting, stable, healthy relationship.
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    Dec 06, 2008 8:31 AM GMT
    tasty_oblivion saidUmmm Ok. Sorry about this guys about I just need to rant a little. So all day today I've been constantly reminded about how gay relationships don't work out and how I need to enjoy my boyfriend now because it's only a matter of time until he'll cheat on me (says my bestfriend) or whatever.


    if I where you, I'd smack your "best friend" with a baseball bat
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    Dec 06, 2008 8:55 AM GMT
    Just as with any straight relationship you have to work at it - I've been with my Partner for 7 years. We have our ups and downs - but in the end we still love each other and make it work...
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    Dec 06, 2008 9:35 AM GMT
    maybe you need to rethink the whole relationship thing?

    you say, 'why do most gay relationships fail?' meaning end, right? well, why should relationships last forever? who wrote that particular rule? why do you need to stay with one person for your whole life? why can't you have a great time with someone for however long and then move on when the time is right? (or, indeed stay with someone forever if it is right for you.)

    failure might be to stay in a relationship that was over a long time ago. do you have the courage to move on?

    there are no rules except the ones created by us. open your mind. do what is right for you and your partner and stop trying to adhere to other peoples' rules. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 06, 2008 10:51 AM GMT
    I want a bficon_sad.gif
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    Dec 06, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    Many gay relationships fail, but so do many straight relationships. Some couples stay together when they should not. I would recommend anyone that wants a relationship to stop watching romantic Hollywood movies and TV shows. They give a false sense of what relationships are like.

    All relationships have their own rhythm and timing but I think one common thread to all of them is communication. If the communication is poor then the relationship has a much better chance of failing. Unlike many gay men I don't think the sex is a showstopper. If you really love the person (as opposed to lust after the person), then most issues in bed can be resolved. What is more problematic are issues around compatibility, communication and consideration for the other person.
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    Dec 06, 2008 2:50 PM GMT
    lilTanker said

    The sacrifice thing is more difficult, you have to be willing to give up a lot for a relationship, I'm not talking about friends or hobbies, but other things, little things, things that you take for granted, I can never properly articulate my meaning of this, perhaps someone else can.

    .


    It couldn't be articulated much better than this.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Dec 06, 2008 3:01 PM GMT
    Well as one who has been in a relationship for 10 years, there are "goods" and "bads", it depends on your perceptions and how both of you view the relationship and your past experiences.

    I think if you have concerns about the viability of your relationship, you should voice that to your bf and work toward a successful long term relationship based on your committment. I think sharing concerns and effective communication is always important.
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    Dec 06, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    dakuk saidmaybe you need to rethink the whole relationship thing?

    you say, 'why do most gay relationships fail?' meaning end, right? well, why should relationships last forever? who wrote that particular rule? why do you need to stay with one person for your whole life? why can't you have a great time with someone for however long and then move on when the time is right? (or, indeed stay with someone forever if it is right for you.)

    failure might be to stay in a relationship that was over a long time ago. do you have the courage to move on?

    there are no rules except the ones created by us. open your mind. do what is right for you and your partner and stop trying to adhere to other peoples' rules. icon_wink.gif


    interesting! that a great perspective I've not thought about
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    Dec 06, 2008 5:43 PM GMT
    lilTanker said.

    The sacrifice thing is more difficult, you have to be willing to give up a lot for a relationship, I'm not talking about friends or hobbies, but other things, little things, things that you take for granted, I can never properly articulate my meaning of this, perhaps someone else can.. but.. any ways.


    I'm sorry to say but if you feel as though you need to sacrifice anything for a relationship then there is most likely a great chance of the relationship failing in the first place. Sacrifice means to complete give up something you love, and if you do that just to be with someone, then you're giving up a part of yourself that makes you....you.

    Relationships are filled with compromises. You compromise your time to spend with someone. You compromise space in your room and bed for someone. Not sacrifice.
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    Dec 06, 2008 7:45 PM GMT
    tasty_oblivion saidI'm sorry to say but if you feel as though you need to sacrifice anything for a relationship then there is most likely a great chance of the relationship failing in the first place. Sacrifice means to complete give up something you love, and if you do that just to be with someone, then you're giving up a part of yourself that makes you....you.

    Relationships are filled with compromises. You compromise your time to spend with someone. You compromise space in your room and bed for someone. Not sacrifice.


    ya know, I hate to say this, it goes against everything I usually stand for, but, I really don't think you'll understand until you've been in a long term successful relationship.

    Or at least, I really can't articulate my self properly to put across the message, but, you'll know what I mean when you do it.
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    Dec 06, 2008 9:49 PM GMT
    lilTanker> The relationships I've seen fail (and I've seen a lot) have usually fallen apart when one or both start getting bored

    This may sound like a quibble, but I think that at the problem comes a step or more before "getting bored" - which is what brings about the boredom. In our case, after about 8 years the relationship got "stale". We started taking each other for granted and suddenly the grass started looking greener elsewhere.

    I think that's a typical relationship problem. People wait until their grass turns brown before they start thinking to water it. An ounce of prevention....


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    Dec 07, 2008 1:19 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    tasty_oblivion saidI'm sorry to say but if you feel as though you need to sacrifice anything for a relationship then there is most likely a great chance of the relationship failing in the first place. Sacrifice means to complete give up something you love, and if you do that just to be with someone, then you're giving up a part of yourself that makes you....you.

    Relationships are filled with compromises. You compromise your time to spend with someone. You compromise space in your room and bed for someone. Not sacrifice.


    ya know, I hate to say this, it goes against everything I usually stand for, but, I really don't think you'll understand until you've been in a long term successful relationship.

    Or at least, I really can't articulate my self properly to put across the message, but, you'll know what I mean when you do it.


    yeah....ok..... if you say so >__>
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    Dec 07, 2008 1:37 AM GMT
    From an evolutionary standpoint, monogamy is ridiculous. The whole purpose of living, for any male member of a species, is to spread its seed. Look at the mantis, the female eats the male after sex. I have no doubt that the male mantis knows this before beginning, but it does it so that it can pass its genes on.

    In species in which the males survive sex, they want to impregnate any female that they possibly can. Men are the same way. However, spreading genes and ejaculating have become one and the same, and since humans are one of the few species who have sex for pleasure, our drive to procreate has been strongly linked to our desire to have sex. This may seem like a ridiculous statement, since obviously procreation comes from sex, but when you start talking about gays, the procreation is now less important since we are attracted to the same sex, so instead this natural drive results in the drive for sex. But this drive for sex is obviously not limited to gay men, but also to straight men, and therefore men are promiscuous no matter what. If you get two together, you're more likely to have infidelity by at least one member of the relationship.
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    Dec 07, 2008 1:49 AM GMT
    I think there are tons of variables. One of the big one's I've seen happen after guys start living together. They are always around each other so they stop dating. They stop hanging out with their own friends and doing their own thing. Pretty soon neither person has anything new to bring to the relationship, all the conversations have been had, and since they don't continue to date, there is nothing to look forward to in the relationship and then the passion falls away, then there is boredom and resentment, next thing you know it's over, or worse yet next thing you know there is cheating to relieve the sense of boredom. Then it ends.

    The relationships that I know of that have lasted are the ones that manage to keep exploring each other in great depth. So many people think they know all about their partner and yet there is so much that they don't know. I have a habit of asking my boyfriend daily or almost daily "tell me something I don't know about". Usually he will come up with some childhood story or something going on at work that would have never come up had I not taken the time to ask and show an interest in his life and who he is. Never stop being interested in the other person and you have fighting chance at making it last.
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    Dec 07, 2008 11:31 AM GMT
    caesarea4 saidlilTanker> The relationships I've seen fail (and I've seen a lot) have usually fallen apart when one or both start getting bored

    This may sound like a quibble, but I think that at the problem comes a step or more before "getting bored" - which is what brings about the boredom. In our case, after about 8 years the relationship got "stale". We started taking each other for granted and suddenly the grass started looking greener elsewhere.

    I think that's a typical relationship problem. People wait until their grass turns brown before they start thinking to water it. An once of prevention....


    true, I'd agree with that..
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    Dec 07, 2008 1:14 PM GMT
    I will qualify this with the fact that I'm currently single, that my last LTR lasted 14 years. I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to get into a relationship where our mutual needs and baggage can be equally addressed.

    My experience is this:

    The relationship should always be more fun than work.

    You can't have diametric views as to what makes a successful relationship (e.g. you expect total monogamy, he prefers an open relationship or you want to spend holiday's together, he must spend it at family gatherings)

    If one of the two has problem(s) that aren't caused by the other (financial, emotional, addiction, social, family, etc) they must be addressed by the individual with the support of the other (note that the other should not be expected to solve the problem).

    There must be open and honest communication from both parties.

    Problems and issues including those that come from outside the relationship must be dealt with individually as opposed to competitively. (i.e. "You're spending more money than we can afford." "Well you don't want to do anything I want to do." Come up with an approach with how your going to fix one problem before you address the next. "My problem is bigger/more important than your's" is not acceptable as a response or solution since it isn't productive.

    "I don't want to talk about it." is never an acceptable end to an argument, a solution to a problem, or a 'win'.

    If you can't be completely open and vulnerable when it counts, it probably won't work out.

    If you think that the failure of all past relationships was the fault of your ex's, then your inability to accept your own part in it will prevent you from having a successful relationship in the future.

    I am responsible for maintaining my attractiveness to my partner.

    All of these issues in reference to a long term relationship. They are determined and discovered early on in a relationship. That is also where you determine what compromises are reasonable for you and him. The assumption that there's a mutual attraction and sexual compatibility at the beginning and a feeling that you are and will be happy together, that you see differences as building blocks for strength and not roadblocks.
  • Aquanerd

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    Dec 07, 2008 1:32 PM GMT
    mswete saidFrom an evolutionary standpoint, monogamy is ridiculous. The whole purpose of living, for any male member of a species, is to spread its seed. Look at the mantis, the female eats the male after sex. I have no doubt that the male mantis knows this before beginning, but it does it so that it can pass its genes on.

    In species in which the males survive sex, they want to impregnate any female that they possibly can. Men are the same way. However, spreading genes and ejaculating have become one and the same, and since humans are one of the few species who have sex for pleasure, our drive to procreate has been strongly linked to our desire to have sex. This may seem like a ridiculous statement, since obviously procreation comes from sex, but when you start talking about gays, the procreation is now less important since we are attracted to the same sex, so instead this natural drive results in the drive for sex. But this drive for sex is obviously not limited to gay men, but also to straight men, and therefore men are promiscuous no matter what. If you get two together, you're more likely to have infidelity by at least one member of the relationship.



    When you are talking about a less complex species, yes, getting as many progeny as possible it all we are talking about. Monogamy is isn't important if all it takes to produce a viable offspring is fertilizing an egg. Once the offspring is a year old, and if the female can teach all aspects of species survival skills to the greatest effectiveness, than males only duty is to get busy with as many females as possible.

    However, an argument can be made for monogamy for humans since we develop very slowing, biologically, mentally, and socially. While a single female or male can effectively raise a child, the complexity of human nature requires a great deal of investment in time and emotion, to product offspring with the greatest chance of success (i.e. to in turn reproduce. To that end, two parents that are committed to each other, by way of a commitment to the children, results in a greater need for monogamy, that in say Polar Bears.

    Humans have both the basic instinct to reproduce, but also to see our offspring reproduce, and there offspring reproduce, and so on. We want our "name" to be carried on. And to be carried on in an honorable way. If you all remember own childhoods, you know that you were anything but "boring." If two people enter into a monogamous relationship to be successful parents from a societal way rather than just biological, if the relationship gets boring, the parenting more than makes up for it.

    Now, as homosexuals, we my nature, are not as likely to be obsessed with reproducing and raising. However, I think that we are genetically prediposed to monogamy in order to "want" to be in a committed relationship (in order to raise successful offspring). As such, as we get older, and less oblivious to our on mortality, ever we homosexual horn dogs realize that at some point another person we can count on to "be there." A nice side effect of the reproductive drive.

    Personally, even though I have always valued a committed relationship, and in turn equate the most committed relationship as a monogamous relationship, and hoped to find "THE ONE!" It wasn't until my dad went into hospice care, that I saw what a true committed relationship means. In simple graphic turns, having some one there to "wipe you ass, when you can't" is comforting.

    Your "bored" argument, is also why I've never based a relationship on sex only. If you don't want to talk to the guy, hang out with the guy alone at home, watching TV, or simply sitting next to each other in bed reading, then yes there is good chance that you will get bored with that person and the thought of finding someone else arises.





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    Dec 07, 2008 1:46 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]bgcat57 said[/cite]

    The relationship should always be more fun than work.



    Not true! In any LTR there are days when it's a lot more pleasant to be at the office than to come home. In any honest relationship there will be conflicts, some minor, some more serious. Resolving conflicts in a way that is fair to both sides is hard and unpleasant. A lot of the time you're going to have to give up something you want badly. But you have to be willing to do the work if you want the relationship to survive. The key to keeping a LTR is accepting that the long-term goal of building a life together is worth some short-term sacrifice.
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    Jul 15, 2014 8:20 PM GMT
    Open relationships however you justify it are simply a justification for people to 'have their cake and ear if' by having the illusion of commitment and caring for each other and sharing each other's lives. While on the other hand getting your rocks off with other people just goes to prove that Gay men place little value on strong stable relationships. Please stop the pretence about Open relationships really are which is often not more than co-habitating friends who once in a while get in on together. I believe we do have the right to define our own rules, however I find appalling the pleas by those who want to not be judged for there relationship choices are screaming for greater recognition from the the gay and he wider community. You can't have it both ways guys even though many want it to be like that. Also worth adding that some of the assertions that hetro relationship and gay monogamous couples are wrong, unrealistic or however else it is you justify your world view are bogus and self indulgent. Go on guys give the religious right and any other down rights hater a free swing by showing the world their is agenda which is out to prove that monogamous commitment is dead and we should all do what we want with no consequences what so ever and have out open relationship recognised as legitimate and healthy. We all know deep down hey are not and I can't wait for the standard BS retorts to be posted next up icon_twisted.gif