COMING . OUT . TWICE

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 10:27 AM GMT

    I came out twice. Seriously, I did! I played with my mom’s friends’ hair when they visited. I had a fantastically limp wrist, which refused to keep straight even when I practiced alone in my room ! And I had crushes on the hottest boys in the school .I got teased....Even at home.


    My escapism? Reading ferociously. They could tease me. But I was the best at Maths ! Like many young gay kids I found solace in achievement. I traded that for taunting. It helped. But I had no control over a generous overdose of testosterone when I hit puberty. Suddenly the gay gait was gone, the voice deepened and all traces of playing with women's hair vanished as I got “sorted out” by the cultural grammar of a boys’ high school.

    And then I became, well,

    invisible.

    Any trace of a different sexuality fled into a closet. I did not lie to myself. I simply, like many gay guys, suppressed sexuality. Mercifully, with the help of that wonderful affliction, free-at-last-syndrome, otherwise known as the end of school and the beginning of early adulthood, I could again come out.

    It was, quite literally, a second coming. Out.

    Then there was no stopping me. I had to share the news with the world. I put prejudice and self-hatred aside. I chose authenticity.


    I chose to live a life which is now, a rather bland, a rather banal fact of my existence.

    I am not a wounded soldier limping along. And my biggest wish in the whole world is that gay men model core happiness, not just sex...... And that must mean not just fighting stereotypes.

    But, fighting for the right to BE ‘stereotypical’.

    I do not want to be acceptable because I am ‘butch’ and bench press... It should be ok to be a ‘flaming queen’.. All sexualities should be allowed. We need, ultimately, a space in which everyone can live. And can live honestly, authentically.

    There is no gay essence.

    There is no straight essence.

    We all deserve to be our self-chosen sexual selves. I think, I know, it is possible so that one day, being gay will be a boring, banal, pedestrian fact.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 25, 2013 5:04 PM GMT
    I think things are starting to be exactly that way in most of western Europe and parts of the US. Not boring, banal, pedestrian but normal. The variety is still there but it is just considered entertaining.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 6:33 PM GMT
    Boring, banal, pedestrian! NEVER! I hopped of the straight train because it was those very things. Straight people (not all, just most) with their desire to fit in. UGH! It starts so early. Kids are teased and bullied on the playground because they don't fit the norm. Boys don't do this. Boys don't do that. It continues into middle school and high school. It abates somewhat in college but then starts up in the corporate world where fitting in the mold becomes oh so important all over again.

    There is something in the human psyche that doesn't like non conformity. The sad thing is when you find it in the gay community with the masc. gays busting the chops of the fem. gays or the fem. gays for berating the masc. gays for hiding behind a facade.

    Things are changing but we will never live in a Utopia. There will always be haters. And whether you want to admit it or not, we can all be haters of some sort at some point in our lives.

    OP, what do you mean by "I got “sorted out” by the cultural grammar of a boys’ high school."?
  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    Nov 25, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    and what a fine young man you have turned out to be. MAZEL TOV!!
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Nov 25, 2013 6:43 PM GMT
    Don't know if we'll see that day or not
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 8:08 PM GMT
    Let hope one live to see that day!!!!! If not hope the next generation get to expirience that world. That all we can hope for, a day when gays a free to be................