Nov 25, 2013 10:27 AM GMT
I came out twice. Seriously, I did! I played with my mom’s friends’ hair when they visited. I had a fantastically limp wrist, which refused to keep straight even when I practiced alone in my room ! And I had crushes on the hottest boys in the school .I got teased....Even at home.
My escapism? Reading ferociously. They could tease me. But I was the best at Maths ! Like many young gay kids I found solace in achievement. I traded that for taunting. It helped. But I had no control over a generous overdose of testosterone when I hit puberty. Suddenly the gay gait was gone, the voice deepened and all traces of playing with women's hair vanished as I got “sorted out” by the cultural grammar of a boys’ high school.
And then I became, well,
Any trace of a different sexuality fled into a closet. I did not lie to myself. I simply, like many gay guys, suppressed sexuality. Mercifully, with the help of that wonderful affliction, free-at-last-syndrome, otherwise known as the end of school and the beginning of early adulthood, I could again come out.
It was, quite literally, a second coming. Out.
Then there was no stopping me. I had to share the news with the world. I put prejudice and self-hatred aside. I chose authenticity.
I chose to live a life which is now, a rather bland, a rather banal fact of my existence.
I am not a wounded soldier limping along. And my biggest wish in the whole world is that gay men model core happiness, not just sex...... And that must mean not just fighting stereotypes.
But, fighting for the right to BE ‘stereotypical’.
I do not want to be acceptable because I am ‘butch’ and bench press... It should be ok to be a ‘flaming queen’.. All sexualities should be allowed. We need, ultimately, a space in which everyone can live. And can live honestly, authentically.
There is no gay essence.
There is no straight essence.
We all deserve to be our self-chosen sexual selves. I think, I know, it is possible so that one day, being gay will be a boring, banal, pedestrian fact.