REAL reason why a lot of gay men don't have long lasting authentic relationships...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 11:19 AM GMT
    -Relationships are not for EVERYONE ...

    Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

    Firstly -I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.Nevertheless, falling in love with your best friend does not prevent you from having certain fears and anxieties about staying committed to that person.

    So I’m going to make this really simple: Long and for-the windy-haul-committed type relationships aren't for EVERYONE. You don’t stay committed to someone in order to make yourself happy, you stay committed to make someone else happy.

    More than that, your relationship isn’t for yourself, you’re sticking it out and making things work for a family and simply cause you've chosen to navigate through the choppy waters of life with that specific person.

    It's not just for the romantic aspects of it and all of that nonsense. Who do you want to help you raise your kids one day(should they fall into the picture)Who do you want to influence them? Relationships aren't for EVERYONE. It’s not about you, for me "love" is a verb it's about the person you stay committed to.


    The point I'm trying to get across goes against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

    For me, a genuine committed alchemy and (true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?

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    Nov 25, 2013 4:39 PM GMT


    Well....

    "You don’t stay committed to someone in order to make yourself happy, you stay committed to make someone else happy."

    You do both.

    "It's not just for the romantic aspects of it and all of that nonsense."

    Are you sure?

    I think that's an important function for keeping the state of being 'IN love' as opposed to only familial or friendship love.
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    Nov 25, 2013 4:43 PM GMT

    "For me, a genuine committed alchemy and (true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?"

    To an extent. Unfortunately holding onto this ideal too tenaciously has ended up with some people in rather abusive relationships. Too many people have ended up in relationships where they give a loaf and get crumbs.

    My friend, true love, the combination of being 'in love' as well as love only works when it is reciprocal.
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    Nov 25, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    I wouldn't necessarily say that your reasoning only happens within the gay community. There are many straight people that can't hold onto a relationship or are prepared to stay in one for the long haul.
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    Nov 25, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    booroz saidI wouldn't necessarily say that your reasoning only happens within the gay community. There are many straight people that can't hold onto a relationship or are prepared to stay in one for the long haul.


    Bingo. This just happened yesterday. One of our nephews has been engaged to be married for over a year. They have planned together extensively and sent out invitations for the Big Day last summer (the wedding was to happen this December).

    He just got back from a hockey tour(he plays)and she's gone. No explanation. All her stuff moved out of their place. Keys in an envelope in the mail slot. She refuses any contact.

    He's devastated, which is as mild as I can put it; more like a broken soul. They'd been together for over 2 years.

    icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 25, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    booroz saidI wouldn't necessarily say that your reasoning only happens within the gay community. There are many straight people that can't hold onto a relationship or are prepared to stay in one for the long haul.


    Bingo. This just happened yesterday. One of our nephews has been engaged to be married for over a year. They have planned together extensively and sent out invitations for the Big Day last summer (the wedding was to happen this December).

    He just got back from a hockey tour(he plays)and she's gone. No explanation. All her stuff moved out of their place. Keys in an envelope in the mail slot. She refuses any contact.

    He's devastated, which is as mild as I can put it; more like a broken soul. They'd been together for over 2 years.

    icon_sad.gif


    Poor guy,
    I must say in my personal experience there is a pretty even split, in that just as many gay couples have stayed together for 20 plus years as straights
  • memphis

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    Nov 25, 2013 9:23 PM GMT
    So many of us have so much baggage around being gay and sex. And no wonder! You grow up all isolated and hearing ugly things about gays and then thrown in fear of HIV on top of it. A lot of gay men, even the ones who are more....active, are extremely sexually frustrated. We're always looking for bigger and better. And unless you live in one of a few places, options are pretty limited. So, when we find somebody attractive and available, many of us, and I'm just as guilty as anybody, jump the gun sexually. Love at first sight is a fairy tale. It takes time. And you will kiss a LOT of frogs before meeting Mr Right. I know I have.
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    Nov 25, 2013 9:46 PM GMT
    I think gays and lesbians have a better understanding of relationships. Straight people tend to stay in relationships out of social pressure or the "benefit" of children even if it's toxic
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    Nov 25, 2013 10:18 PM GMT
    somersault saidI think gays and lesbians have a better understanding of relationships. Straight people tend to stay in relationships out of social pressure or the "benefit" of children even if it's toxic


    I like this comment.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Nov 25, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    Well it's about both selfishness and giving. If people don't get their healthy narcissistic needs met, they tend to be abusive.

    I loved my lover because he loved me, because out of anybody else in this world he proved that he could treat me the most 'humane' and kindly, of course that is self-involved but it's also the truth. I didn't love him until I realized he loved me, I am not some codependent giver that just helps people 24/7 without expecting anything in return.

    I want to be felt and touched and loved, as much as I want to feel and touch and love others.

    Love is about equality like that.

    You also need to learn to love yourself before you let anybody else love you, I have forgotten that. Having a boyfriend is nice and all but the right boyfriend doesn't get aligned with me until I have self-confidence.

    Also 'gay men' are not the problem. Straight people have exactly the same issues with learning not to be a self-absorbed douche. Though granted it's more annoying when 'our own kind' acts like an ass possibly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    If you don't think about it..
    Your opening post makes perfect sense.. icon_eek.gif

    .. The message is so..easy, Breezy Utopian...
    Something Walt Disney would most certainly produce.

    I get your drift..Your mate is your all.. You are his everything.. Everything is wonderful!!

    The messenger.. Let's get real now...

    Mack saidMore than that, your relationship isn’t for yourself, you’re sticking it out and making things work for a family and simply cause you've chosen to navigate through the choppy waters of life with that specific person.[/quote]

    ^ ^ ^ ^
    If it were so simple..

    I'm hoping to hear more from you ..maybe after a few long term relationships and after a few broken hearts.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2013 1:28 AM GMT
    So you're pretty much saying the reason why gay men don't have long lasting relationships is cuz most gay men are selfish? Did I get that right? icon_razz.gif
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    Nov 26, 2013 3:56 AM GMT
    Okay so this is the basis of the type of relationship I'm talking about .....

    Firstly : It takes into consideration that you yearn for security, protection, generosity and partnership like anyone else (Selfless aspect #1). Takes into account that you're also a spiritual being, yearning for consciousness-raising and the promise of wholeness through the committed relationship alchemy ( You're not just a mind with a body, you're a synergistically trying being) which means it's you and another with two feet in(hence the emphasis on the relationship not being about YOU alone, the emphasis on the partnership of it all).

    I qualify two feet in because it’s all too easy to be in a relationship for the infatuation of it, and have it all come undone as quickly as it arose, rather than for it to be the sweltering sweat lodge of truth that I believe it's meant to be.....

    If you see it as a selfless thing you understand that it is entered into for deliberate reasons, not one where, “I’ll see where this goes and if the heat in the kitchen gets a little too hot, I’ll jump ship.”

    When I mention that love is a verb I honestly believe that if you are partnered with the right person and you consistently demonstrate the SELFLESS kind of love through and through It WILL be reciprocated and I'm not saying have someone walk all over you -There's a huge distinction.

    If you both agree on this the overall object of the excersice is the height of intimacy and healing and growth, where conflict is an invitation to growth, and it indicates a beginning of something -- not the end !


    Being selfless is a challenge- It requires something of you. It demands that you grow beyond your defense mechanisms....You give up the desire to ALWAYS be right...

    Where stretching to meet the needs of your partner, however difficult the task, is your star of Bethlehem. Care is begotten because of your empathy, not because you're entitled to it. Love goes from simply a feeling to an action.

    Which means trading short-term chemistry for long-term harmony.

    Dictatorialism makes room for a true win-win partnership. Your self-gratification makes room for maturation...
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    Nov 26, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    I'll try make this even more simple ...

    When you meet someone for the first time these are your initial thoughts

    I like how they make ME feel...
    I like spending time with them...
    I like that they do so and so....

    Without thinking about it there's a selfishness behind that, where in essence it's all based on YOU meeting whatever short term goals you may have....
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    Nov 26, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidIf you don't think about it..
    Your opening post makes perfect sense.. icon_eek.gif

    .. The message is so..easy, Breezy Utopian...
    Something Walt Disney would most certainly produce.

    I get your drift..Your mate is your all.. You are his everything.. Everything is wonderful!!

    The messenger.. Let's get real now...

    Mack saidMore than that, your relationship isn’t for yourself, you’re sticking it out and making things work for a family and simply cause you've chosen to navigate through the choppy waters of life with that specific person.


    ^ ^ ^ ^
    If it were so simple..

    I'm hoping to hear more from you ..maybe after a few long term relationships and after a few broken hearts.



    [/quote]

    This

    Its so easy in the beginning of life's journey to make blanket statements about life stuff. After you actually go through it a few times, your outlook changes, it must, if it doesn't you haven't grown or learnt anything. Im still interested to know if the OP see this on straight relationships also?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2013 4:23 AM GMT
    I thought it was because of these?


    Hot_sales_soft_rubber_real_male_sex.jpg_
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2013 4:27 AM GMT
    Or this?

    Phthalates_free_PVC_Inflatable_Male_sex_
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2013 4:33 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidOr this?

    Phthalates_free_PVC_Inflatable_Male_sex_


    Now, now Allan the OP is doing his best to be "ernest" and tell us all how life is, and why we are all doomed.

    Penis is a big reason, we all know that. Just toying with him thats allicon_cool.gificon_lol.gif
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    Nov 26, 2013 5:13 AM GMT
    Not sure about the "best-friends fall in love" recommendation. I consider good friendships like familial bonds, not sure how a romantic relationship would fall into play there.