Negative dating a handsome positive guy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:09 AM GMT
    I'm an active member on these forums but this throwaway account is for his confidentiality.

    I went out with this guy few times and recently found out that he is positive. His VL is extremely low, way below 50 copies, so he's undetectable. I've educated myself enough not to freak out and run away but when he told me, my stomach still dropped, I was not ready for it at all. My opinion of him as a person did not change whatsoever and I'm still considering seeing him, since he's pretty much everything I am looking for in a guy. I know everything will be okay and I want to make it work with him, but I'm extremely worried. He is well educated about HIV, takes care of himself and he's confident that he will keep me safe. We talked a lot since then, but I wanted to hear from others, especially about sex.
    Also, I was super into him when we first met and I could not stop thinking about him but now I've lost that spark, there's something blocking my brain and I hate it!

    I should also add that I'm a bottom and he's more sexual than me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:16 AM GMT
    Just play safe.I would ask that he be checked for herpes too.We wish you happiness.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Nov 27, 2013 5:34 AM GMT
    An HIV+ person shouldn't keep you away from dating/loving them.
    There are many successful relationships that involve a partner being HIV+ and I know some of them and I keep meeting more of them.
    They are quite happy with each other.

    A relationship isn't solely based off sex.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:36 AM GMT
    My brother dated an HIV+ guy for nearly 15 years and remained HIV-
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Nov 27, 2013 5:49 AM GMT
    There is absolutely no reason for you to not date this guy. You should be safe with anyone you sleep with and you're arguably better off sleeping with someone positive and undetectable than someone who doesn't know and may be positive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    Starting to suspect its dangerous to start out assuming a guy is neg. I'm friends with several committed sero-discordant couples.

    But, I've also pursued guys who believe neg guys are very...limiting.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 9:57 AM GMT
    Dating a poz guy is nothing out of the ordinary in everyday life just one small tweek when it comes to sex. Protection period... if going bareback is something important to you then maybe you should move on.
  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    Nov 27, 2013 10:35 AM GMT
    there is no reason why you cannot continue to date this man. this is 2013, not 1985. it's not an unusual disease any more. there are plenty of educational tools out there. what really bothers me the most about your post is your 'doubting' if you should continue with this man. that is a terrible outlook and will always be in the back of your mind. it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you. it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on a relationship. you need to do some heavy thinking on this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 10:46 AM GMT
    ^^ Which is to say, in all honesty, the OPs opinion of this guy as a person did change upon hearing the news. You need to own that and work through it, OP.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 12:11 PM GMT
    I agree with most of what's already been said.

    for one, you shouldn't let the HIV+ status keep you from love... but it NEEDS to make sure you both keep it safe. Sounds like you both know that already.

    However, that you made a fake account for the purpose of discussing it shows how very much ashamed you are, and that will never bode well for a relationship.

    I think If you brought this up as who you REALLY are, you'd find your friends here would rally around you and support you through the emotional roller coaster.

    But if you can't admit the story AS yourself, you're never going to be face it FOR yourself.

    Good luck to you both.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Nov 27, 2013 12:21 PM GMT
    Well...harsh critiques aside, maybe another thing to look into for yourself might be counseling? Not really for gaining info but more to help you cope with situations like this. I know there are therapists out there that work with HIV -/+ couples because it can be a stress inducer. Also think about not only your own safety and his humanity when making a decision but also think about the possibility of his situation possibly getting worse at some point in the (hopefully distant) future and how much you'll have to go through as the supportive partner and whether or not you're up for dealing with all that.
  • musicdude

    Posts: 734

    Nov 27, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    sounds like you're only staying with him because you want to prove to yourself that you're above the whole "omg, you're poz" thing but in reality you're not. do him a favour (and yourself) and don't drag him along. trust me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 12:53 PM GMT
    "Negative dating a handsome positive"

    How about,
    "Negative guy dating a handsome positive guy"?

    I'm all for brevity in titles, but shortening them too severely can make you come over as a bit insensitive.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 1:10 PM GMT
    There is always the "right" perspective to have on one side and the "actual" perspective to have on another, and I feel like people rarely give credit to the significance of the latter when making decisions. I do agree with a lot of what people on here have said in terms of the threat of contracting HIV no longer being that significant of a concern. But I also haven't had to make decisions like that before, so I have no idea what my actual reaction is going to be like in contrast to my "ideal" reaction.

    What you need to do is to figure out where you stand in regards to being subjected to a considerable combination of risks over a long period of time. If you are someone who has managed to take on risks casually for the benefits the situation has provided over a long period of time, then you might have a long-term chance with this guy after getting over the initial shock.

    What I do not recommend is for you to guilt-trip yourself into applying only your ideal perspective of how it should be and sort of drag yourself along the ride. It isn't fair for you to do that, and it definitely isn't fair or in anyway advantageous for the other person (i.e. your date) as well. It is just as important for you to do what feels right as it is to do the "right" thing for everyone involved - including yourself - to benefit from it.

    Well, good luck to both of you. I hope you find in yourself the best decision to make.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 1:21 PM GMT

    No one can really help you on this dude.



    It's corny but listen to your heart.

    But also think with your head.

    All the best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 2:02 PM GMT
    Its seems that this is too much for u. To be fair to all parties involved, i think it better to move on. Unfortunatly this might scar this guy for life, but for yourself u need to move and let someone else love this man. Since u clearly can not handle the pressure
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    You guys got it all wrong, stop being so jaded. But it's probably my fault, should've worded it better.
    I am NOT asking you if I should be dating him, I was simply asking if anyone had a similar dating experience and if there's anything I need to know(especially about sex).
    The part about me losing interest in him, I was just being honest about what's on my mind. I am still seeing him, and we talk every day. He's awesome and he's better than me as a person, I am definitely not giving up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 4:51 PM GMT
    JonSpringon said
    However, that you made a fake account for the purpose of discussing it shows how very much ashamed you are, and that will never bode well for a relationship.

    I think If you brought this up as who you REALLY are, you'd find your friends here would rally around you and support you through the emotional roller coaster.

    But if you can't admit the story AS yourself, you're never going to be face it FOR yourself.

    Good luck to you both.


    It's not my business to put his identity next to this post out here in a public forum, it doesn't change anything for you all, but for him it might.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    Tenebrism said^^ Which is to say, in all honesty, the OPs opinion of this guy as a person did change upon hearing the news. You need to own that and work through it, OP.


    Well said.

    Not to be cynical but to Throwaway1:

    Move on. Not just for your sake but out of consideration for the guy you're seeing. He has feelings and is a human too. I don't like it when HIV negative gay men presume themselves to have all the power as to whether or not the relationship should go forward or not. It really isn't all up to you. If you have issues then out of respect for this man, just move on and let him go and find someone that you're comfortable with. I know in my case, if I were dating a person who was negative and he felt uncomfortable with my HIV positive status I would look for the nearest exit without any qualms. Life is too short and I'm not here to ease people into their comfort zone as far as far as a sero-discordant dating situation is concerned.

    I mean, just look at yourself. You are so uncomfortable with the situation that you went through the trouble of creating a sock account in order to "hide" and discuss this. That alone speaks volumes of the type of person you are. Is that photo even you or of someone else as well? If not whose photo is that?


    Sorry you feel that way. Fortunately, he thinks the opposite and he's willing to give me time to get comfortable/adjust to it.

    Of course it's fake, why would I post a real picture on a sock account?

    And once again it's not up to me to reveal his status to people that might know him here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    leo_ saidThis form is really appreciated.

    Methinks, if you are ready for this (not sure if you meant relationship with him) then you both should visit an educator (available at the clinics) and they would teach each and every do's and don't. That way your mind would be more confident that that came from a very valid source. Also, this will give your guy a clear picture that you are putting your efforts. Apologies if this gonna sound bad, but you see problems come in all relations and people decide to move on. Your guy should not feel in one such a circumstance that his 'thing' was the reason.

    - I have seen few who were in one such a relationship and they are still healthy. Guess this answers your question.


    Thank you.
    He did offer to go to his physician together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    Ex_Mil8 said"Negative dating a handsome positive"

    How about,
    "Negative guy dating a handsome positive guy"?

    I'm all for brevity in titles, but shortening them too severely can make you come over as a bit insensitive.



    Fixed. Hope that makes it better.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Nov 27, 2013 5:27 PM GMT
    as long as he's honest about his VL with you when you ask there shouldn't be any problems. outside of that always wrap it up and there shouldn't be any problems between just the two of you ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 8:19 PM GMT
    Being in a pos/neg relationship HIV plays very little in our life together. With good meds and taken caring of himself you two cold hav a regular life time together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    I think your doing a good thing not just leaving him. It's a bomb to hear, like anything else that you're not expecting (kids coming out to their parents for instance) but your willing to accept it and honestly I think it speaks highly of you.

    I'm not going to condemn you, just use caution and follow your heart. That's the only advice I think that's appropriate for this situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2013 10:10 PM GMT
    Well for what it's worth, you are much braver than a lot of people; myself included.

    Kind of like what other people have said, consider your head and heart.
    If you feel this won't be an issue now or in the future then yeah no worries.
    Have an honest moment with yourself and if you really feel that it's something that's always going to be at the back of your mind, or something that in the future you know will just be an issue for you then I would save you and him the pain and time and just let it go.

    Of course do it as gracefully as you can, this is a sensitive subject and from his perspective it's not the easiest thing to seek relationships being positive because he's possibly had a lot of rejection from it.

    I'm not positive so I'm not speaking from experience but I imagine that a lot of positive guys can feel defeated and give up on finding happiness with someone.
    So if a guy still has the drive and determination to find someone out there, don't let him down in a way that will damage that spark.

    Not that I'm saying you will, just a mini-tip in case you might feel like this relationship might not be something you want to go through with after receiving some counsel about it on this forum.

    Either way I wish you and him all the best icon_smile.gif