Friends With Your Exe(s)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 7:35 AM GMT
    My ex just recently contacted me via text. Looks like he still has my number. I told him that it wouldn't be right being friends with him because feelings might get in the way which will block my right to move on with my life. But I'm curious as to what others think of the situation. Do you think its a good idea to be friends with your exes? Why or why not?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 12:24 PM GMT
    It always seems it's the ones who caused the breakup that put the effort into maintaining the friendship. I'm still friends with my first because we were good friends before lovers and he actively sought to maintain the friendship. The rest I'm friendly with when I see them but I don't make an effort to stay in touch.
  • nomad4life

    Posts: 332

    Dec 07, 2013 12:45 PM GMT
    One of my exes is a really good friend of mine. But he's also the only one I had a good break up with, mutual understanding, no one's fault, etc. The rest, two I don't even encounter anymore and I'm fine with that, not really a loss. The third every time we happen to get together because of the same group friends it's like the fights are starting all over again. I want her out of my life but there's just no help.

    I believe the way the two of you broke up has a foundation in what the future is like with them. Was good? Mutual? Ugly?
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 07, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    When I was single, dating someone whose exes were all enemies was a red flag for me. You are the common denominator in all of your relationship and they've all ended so badly that you can't even be friendly with your exes? That probably means you're crazy.

    I think at least being friendly (if not being friends) is a sign of emotional maturity, which is an important quality to have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    see, how correctly i said, he loves u! He was so possesive, thats all. And dont feel bad, to be friends! Show him, what he lost by his own mistake! It's my personal opinion, its better to stay away as a lover, but be his friend and make him realise, how valuble you were!
    All the best. And keep us updated!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    My first boyfriend and I ended over mutual terms, and realized that if we truly cared about each other it would be best to get separate ways.

    Anyway, we gave each other time to "get over it", and now he's still one of my friends and I talk to him often! :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    I can't say with certainty but I think my ex and I will be friends. It wasn't a bad break up or anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    My feelings never get in the way of being friends with my exes. My partner's does, though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 6:42 PM GMT
    Whether you can be friends with an ex depends on the reason you broke up. If you both realized you were just incompatible, and it ended amicably, there is no reason not to. I remained friends with most of my exes.

    If the breakup was mean, nasty, and ugly, because you realized he was just a rotten person deep down, then it doesn't seem likely a friendship would be desirable.

    In your case, it sounds as if you still have feelings for him. In that special situation, which is not at all uncommon, it is very difficult to be friends. You are right to be cautious. It is better to wait until the feelings pass before you attempt a friendship.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Dec 07, 2013 8:16 PM GMT
    Civility is key.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 8:32 PM GMT
    I am friends with my ex and it wasn't easy but we found a way to do it. It takes effort just like any other relationship in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    The reason why the person who wants the breakup usually does the "let's be friends" thing is because he isn't the one who got hurt. He wants the benefits of having you in his life, but on his terms. It's about power and selfishness, not altruism.

    Trying to remain friends so soon after a breakup is a very, very bad idea for the person who got dumped. I warned about this in a different thread. You need time and distance. You will not heal otherwise.

    In one of my earlier relationships--someone I was with for nearly 4 years--we cut things off completely and it wasn't until a few years afterward that we reestablished a friendship. He had been the one to break up with me, and I was really hurt. Several years on, he is now one of my closest and most treasured friends. In some sense, he now means more to me than he ever did when I was his boyfriend. We'll never get back together (neither of us wants that), but we are able to have what we have because of that time apart.

    -hero
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    I'm friendly & at peace with all of my exes. I speak to them regularly - when I walk around my backyard, since they're all buried in various places under the lawn.

    Seriously - I'd be friendly and speak to them if I met them out somewhere, but I'm not sure I'd remember all their names, which might be a bit awkward if I had to introduce them to my s.o.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidMy feelings never get in the way of being friends with my exes. My partner's does, though.


    Same! When I showed a pic of my ex bf to my partner and stated how we are still friends, I immediately sensed some jealousy from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    After five years apart, we have been through ups and downs. We'll get by as if it were old times, but there are still the things in each other which drove us apart, and we lose it with each other.

    We know we cannot go back to where we were. We keep in contact, we go out shopping and get lunch every so often. We can never lose some shared connections. We will be a part of the other's life until we die. We just can't be together. We grew in different directions.

    It does take time. There were two years after the break-up where I couldn't stand to see or talk to him. The emotions were too strong. Again, once I accepted we could never go back, I let go of the pain and anger. We're both better off now.

    It works if you choose to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 9:04 PM GMT
    When I decided I did not want to be anything more than a memory to my ex, friendship was not even an option.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 9:13 PM GMT
    I am friendly with my exes. Not quite friends though. One in particular has started contacting me recently and I do not mind the conversation but due to the circumstances of our break up I am not that interested in getting further involved right now.

    Generally speaking, I do think exes can be friends and it's apparent considering the posts above me.
  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    Dec 07, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. not this time. i'm in the process of having an 18 year relationship vaporize. a month ago he did it in an email. from upstairs as i was getting ready to head to the boat. yep. A FUCKING EMAIL. what a cowardly way to do something. you always hate when they begin with..."i don't exactly know how to tell you this but.........." things are just a complete mess, and 90% is his doing. unbundling finances, the house, the business, (which i helped build) and a whole host of other things.... add to that he never once came to any chemo/radiation treatments, doctor visits or tests.... so, no. why in god's name would i want to be friends with this energy vampire. unfortunately, for now, we're living in the same house. talk about a nasty situation.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    I tried to remain friendly with a couple of my exes, even wrote about it here. Didn't stay that way.

    Each had his own agenda, which meant trying to reenter my life at his convenience, for his own advantages.

    One even tried to break up my relationship with my late partner. That doomed any future that guy might have had with me, on any level.

    And the other one also didn't want to accept that I had moved on to having a partner. That he had missed the boat with me, by his own choice.

    I had asked him for 2 years to be my partner, and he refused. Then I gave up and moved away, and found a partner. Not 2 weeks later he was trying to get back together again with me, said he realized his mistake, he really always loved me after all.

    Well, maybe so, but your timing sucks. I already made a commitment, the one you kept rejecting for 2 years. And I don't dump a guy to whom I've just said "yes", because you've had a sudden change of heart. Nor should you expect me to stand by at the ready, for the rest of my life, doing nothing until it suits you to take me down from the shelf and use me.

    You said "no" to me for years. Where was your own "yes" then? And how do I know your commitment is really sincere, not just your regret & jealousy that somebody snatched me up? I know this other guy is sincere, and I made my pledge to him, and I don't go back on my word.

    So I tried to maintain a friendly relationship with him for a while, but I could see he was just playing the vulture, waiting in the wings for his chance. That was unfair to my husband, and frankly not healthy or productive for him, either. Time to move on. So I cut my ties with him.
  • Felony84

    Posts: 40

    Dec 07, 2013 11:32 PM GMT
    If the relationship wasn't that close emotionally ,then that's typically when people stay friends with their exes. It is a little unusual and suspicious if someone is best friends with their ex, but not everybody's story is the same. Define friendship with your ex though. Is it something where you're just civil and friendly when you bump into each other once in a blue moon, or is your ex someone you're talking to everyday and hang out with? Typically you're supposed to distance yourself after a break up. You can't move on if you're still hanging around with them. And if you do remain friends, then your relationship probably lacked a deep emotional connection. It's easy to remain friends with them in that case. Unless it was just a short dating stint that only lasted a few months and then dissolved calmly.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Dec 07, 2013 11:36 PM GMT
    Looking on the outside, being friends with an ex is never good and can always lead to problems down the road

    ANYONE can say anything but really feel a different way and you never know what they can do when their feelings come forward


    At the same time,I can understand being friends with an ex if you both decided you weren't meant to be more than just friends

    It's something that is hard to say a definite yes or no to since EVERY situation and person is different
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    I'm always suspicious of guys who are super good friends with their exes for the same reason you don't often see straight people remain friends with their exes: one of the two always seems to have latent feelings for the other. It's also why you seldom see straight male/female friendships: one of those two definitely wants something sexual or romantic out of it.

    On the other hand, guys who cannot even be civil with at least one of their exes clearly have issues.

    I have a couple exes I will never speak to again, a couple exes with whom I'm friendly (but we don't hang out 1-on-1 or anything) and one ex who refuses to talk to me. A mixed bag.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2013 12:39 AM GMT
    We are good friends with my ex-boyfriends :-)
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 08, 2013 12:44 AM GMT
    If you still have feelings for him that will keep you from moving on with your life, you're right. Don't go there. OTH, if you're over him and *can* or want to be friends, N/P.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2013 12:49 AM GMT
    I have no exes.My fiancee has 3 plus a crazy ex wife from eons ago.He is friends with 2 of the exes and I am too.The others he does not want contact with.It dont bother me at all.We see them once in a blue moon and they are very polite.No problems.Ry