Honest Mistake? Or Passive-Aggressive snub?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    So... I've not hid the fact from this crowd that I'm about 2 years divorced from a wife of 6 years. We split because I caught her sleeping with my best friend at that time.

    Today, in the mail, I got a "Save the Date" card for their wedding next year, addressed to her at my place. My place used to be "Our" place, but now it's just "Mine".

    Literally, as I'm reading the card and thinking "What the FUCK?!?!" I got a text message from her asking me to disregard it, it was mailed out by mistake.

    So now, I'm seething a little bit. I know she's generally not the vindictive type, and she's got nothing to be mad at me for since the break up was entirely her fault...

    But I can't help but wonder, is this a not-so-subtle "Fuck You", or is it a real mailing list mistake?

    Thoughts??
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    Why would she need an invitation to her own wedding? Sounds like a great opportunity to remind yourself that you are moving in the right direction.
  • Philip101

    Posts: 101

    Dec 10, 2013 6:43 PM GMT
    What's the chance she would just suddenly realize the mistake like that!!

    It seems deliberate to me, although of course no one can say with 100% certainty. So if you are a good-natured person you can give her the benefit of the doubt.
  • Lanter

    Posts: 149

    Dec 10, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    Everything sounds too coincidental. Why would she be mailing an invitation to herself at a place she doesn't live? Then she is aware enough to send a text message alerting you to her error? One of my charities is in a place where weddings are held and let me tell you, if anything brides-to-be overthink things, rather than let things to chance.

    One way to get a clue is to find someone you both know and see their save-the-date-card. I haven't priced it out recently, but the printing on those things are pricey and if she was going to send you one, I bet it was a watered down, cheaper version. The other thing that tells me that it was probably intentional is that in the event that the printing company was looking to provide her a copy of the cards for her own posterity, I would think it would be addressed to both fiances, not just one. The whole point of marriage is uniting the two of them.

    Just my thoughts, take them as you want.
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    Dec 10, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    All good suggestions above me here. I had a couple of questions in my mind:

    1) Who hand addressed the envelope you got? The ex? Someone assisting her? But again, why would anyone send the bride to be - a save-the-date invitation? It doesn't make sense?

    2) How would she have discovered that one of her assistants sent this out to you? If there is a list of those who were to receive a save-the-date card, wouldn't the bride or her mother have compiled that list?

    Until I know more, I'm thinking this was a way of saying "f.u." for being gay. Just rubbing it in. Almost like she is saying, "Yeah, I cheated. But you wanted out anyway, now didn't you? Afterall, you became gay!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 10, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    As far as I know... she doesn't know I'm into dudes.

    She's the one that was caught cheating.

    I think it's less of a "Fuck You for being gay" as it is a "fuck you I'm getting married again"...

    Regardless of what flavor of a "fuck you" it is... I agree with everyone here that it's definitely a Big Ol' "Fuck You".

    I may crash the wedding. Greet them in their receiving line and say to the groom "Watch out... she's a cheater!! OH, but you KNOW that already, don't you?!?"
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    Dec 10, 2013 10:13 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI may crash the wedding. Greet them in their receiving line and say to the groom "Watch out... she's a cheater!! OH, but you KNOW that already, don't you?!?"

    Can't say that I would agree with that behavior. Let it go and be glad you're not married to her.
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    Dec 10, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    JonSpringon saidI may crash the wedding. Greet them in their receiving line and say to the groom "Watch out... she's a cheater!! OH, but you KNOW that already, don't you?!?"

    Can't say that I would agree with that behavior. Let it go and be glad you're not married to her.


    If it was me I would do something like help out at a charity that day. Or buy a puppy a few days before. That way I would be distracted and feel like I was doing something nice. Not a holiday though, unless it was with a good friend or something like that.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 10, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    Maybe she knowingly sent it but regretted it, that kind of "mistake". It's not that uncommon to have ex's at weddings, no?
  • Lanter

    Posts: 149

    Dec 11, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    christastic saidMaybe she knowingly sent it but regretted it, that kind of "mistake". It's not that uncommon to have ex's at weddings, no?


    I don't think its that uncommon for the bride or groom to sometimes want THEIR ex to be at the wedding, if the breakup was amicable, but I would have a hard time imagining that the other bride or groom would be too happy about it.
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    Dec 11, 2013 1:55 AM GMT
    How was the wedding card envelope addressed to her? By hand or using a printed address label?

    If with a label it COULD have been a genuine mistake, her own former address getting included in a computerized print-out from an unpurged contact list. But even then the printed labels should have been reviewed before going on the envelopes.

    But harder to believe if handwritten. Even if she had helpers writing the envelopes from a list, they would have recognized her name and questioned it.

    Plus, she "discovers" the mistake just as you receive the envelope? What prompted that realization, if the envelopes were already mailed? Did she review the mailing list AFTER the cards were sent out?

    It does sound a bit fishy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2013 6:07 AM GMT
    JonSpringon saidAs far as I know... she doesn't know I'm into dudes.

    She's the one that was caught cheating.

    I think it's less of a "Fuck You for being gay" as it is a "fuck you I'm getting married again"...

    Regardless of what flavor of a "fuck you" it is... I agree with everyone here that it's definitely a Big Ol' "Fuck You".

    I may crash the wedding. Greet them in their receiving line and say to the groom "Watch out... she's a cheater!! OH, but you KNOW that already, don't you?!?"


    You know your ex wife better than anyone else here.

    Either way, your friend and your ex sound like conniving, backstabbing whores who are probably destined for a nice roller coaster of legally bound dysfunction. If you crash the wedding, you should do a toast to the fact that it's better him than you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2013 6:58 AM GMT
    IMO, it would not be a good idea for anyone to attend the wedding of his ex, even if you are on pleasant terms. Check out Emily Post on things like this. It seems to me that to attend the wedding of an ex would draw attention to myself and away from the bride & groom.

    In the present case, your receiving this 'save the date' thing in the mail seems suspect. I know you want to go there and make an appearance. It would be tempting to show up, looking great, and let them see how well you're doing - how happy you are, but I think it would have the opposite effect. It would show them you're not that busy, and focused on them. Better to be busy doing something else that day, even if you were friendly. Just my opinion based on a lot of reading and years of experience.
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    Dec 11, 2013 7:09 AM GMT
    JonSpringon saidSo... I've not hid the fact from this crowd that I'm about 2 years divorced from a wife of 6 years. We split because I caught her sleeping with my best friend at that time.

    Today, in the mail, I got a "Save the Date" card for their wedding next year, addressed to her at my place. My place used to be "Our" place, but now it's just "Mine".

    Literally, as I'm reading the card and thinking "What the FUCK?!?!" I got a text message from her asking me to disregard it, it was mailed out by mistake.

    So now, I'm seething a little bit. I know she's generally not the vindictive type, and she's got nothing to be mad at me for since the break up was entirely her fault...

    But I can't help but wonder, is this a not-so-subtle "Fuck You", or is it a real mailing list mistake?

    Thoughts??


    Blah, blah, blah,... TL: DR

    buuuuuttt you are a hottie!!! I'll help you forget about her.....icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2013 8:58 AM GMT
    @JonSpringon-
    A couple thoughts:

    Who knows how it got sent - Could have been an intentional dig at you; could have been an unconsciously motivated slight; could have been accidental (computer lists of addresses etc).

    I would say it doesn't matter, and you should stop thinking about it. That you're angry about it now indicates that you are probably still feeling hurt or angered in regards to the ex. What does that get you? Negative energy is not good for you. Why are you still taking calls from her? Why does she have your new (changed) phone number?

    If you don't have kids (haven't read all your posts, but don't remember you mentioning any), why have any contact with her at all? It's not as if you two just drifted apart - and there is still mutual love between you, so you can now be friends if not lovers. She cheated on you,she killed the relationship, and she has moved on. The divorce was two years ago? Must be final by now. If there is any necessary communication, it would be best to be carried on only between your lawyer and her lawyer.

    If you do have kids, well that complicates matters, and you will have unavoidable contact with her for years to come. Which would make it even more imperative that you find a way to communicate to her re the kids without any emotion.

    Going to the wedding would not be a good idea, if you really want to move on in life. It would serve to refocus your energy again on her and them, people about whom you should try to have no thoughts at all. Like EternalOp said, it's bad karma. Not that I believe in the asian concept of karma - but the unpleasantness of your thoughts that day will do nothing good for you. Like Jockbod said, plan to be busy that day. Now that you (accidentally) know the date of the wedding, you have plenty of time to plan to be on a pleasurable trip, far away, that weekend or that week. Take along the guy you are dating (if you are still dating someone), or find a place to enjoy by yourself, far away. Take short trip to Paris or London. Wherever.

    The hurt and anger you still feel, and haven't let go of, is like a scab that someone keeps picking at, making it bleed again, and not leave. It would be best for you if you could find a way to get over it, once and for all.

    Best of luck to you.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 12, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    Lanter said
    christastic saidMaybe she knowingly sent it but regretted it, that kind of "mistake". It's not that uncommon to have ex's at weddings, no?


    I don't think its that uncommon for the bride or groom to sometimes want THEIR ex to be at the wedding, if the breakup was amicable, but I would have a hard time imagining that the other bride or groom would be too happy about it.


    A lot of it has to do with whether the other bride or groom is comfortable that his/her spouse has no more feelings for the ex. My sister's ex was at her wedding last year, but they weren't that serious to begin with, so no hard feelings. If you and the other person see each other as merely ex's and not friends, then a wedding invitation wouldn't have been sent (at least knowingly).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    If your ex is generally not the vindictive type, then maybe you should apply Hanlon's Razor:

    "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
    She is such an evil bitch
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2013 12:18 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said

    Blah, blah, blah,... TL: DR

    buuuuuttt you are a hottie!!! I'll help you forget about her.....icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif


    Best invitation I got all day!! Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    I'm over it.

    Accident or on purpose... I've let the anger wash off of me.

    Thank you all for the perspective.
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    Dec 15, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    Oh come on, please take a guy date to her wedding! It would be priceless ;)
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    Dec 15, 2013 11:33 AM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    JonSpringon saidI may crash the wedding. Greet them in their receiving line and say to the groom "Watch out... she's a cheater!! OH, but you KNOW that already, don't you?!?"

    Can't say that I would agree with that behavior. Let it go and be glad you're not married to her.


    My thoughts exactly! It sounds like she likes to cause drama and I were in the OP's shoes, I wouldn't want any participation in it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2016 4:36 PM GMT
    Don't fill in the blanks with negative guesses. If she said it was a mistake, take her at her word, especially since you say she's not the vindictive type. Negative thinking does you absolutely no good here and will cause you to relive hurtful emotions for no reason.

    It's perfectly ok to still be hurt by the fact that she and your best friend cheated on you. But just move on and spend the time and energy on making yourself more awesome... don't spend it on her. You're worth it. She isn't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2016 11:21 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI'm over it.

    Accident or on purpose... I've let the anger wash off of me.

    Thank you all for the perspective.


    Good for you! I was gonna agree with Lumpy to just let it go. Life's too short to worry about petty shit. Ignoring it shows her that it doesn't bother you and she's not worth getting worked up over.
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    Mar 09, 2016 1:02 AM GMT
    woodfordr said

    It's perfectly ok to still be hurt


    It was 2-1/2 years ago. I rather doubt he is still hurting (if he ever was).