10 Common mistakes gay men make in the dating world.

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    Dec 11, 2013 11:12 AM GMT
    I read this article tonight, hm pretty interesting, I made several mistakes on this list (#1, 3, 5, 7)! Ha, I thought it might a good read and for some of us to learn from. Feel free to comment!

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    http://outfrontonline.com/living/brent-heinze/10-common-mistakes-gay-men-make-in-the-dating-world/

    10 common mistakes gay men make in the dating world
    By Brent Heinze
    October 18, 2011 | 9:31 am
    (Updated: February 22, 2013 | 5:56 pm)

    10. “Big muscles or a handsome face make up for being stupid or rude.”
    The most important qualities for a person to possess are integrity, inner strength and intelligence. Some people feel that muscles can compensate for the inner demons, but at the end of the day, these people remain insecure, sad and lonely. Being an arrogant douche only serves to alienate you from others, except for those shallow enough to be impressed by your physical overcompensation.

    9. “He cheated on his last four boyfriends but he won’t cheat on me because we’re in love.”
    It takes a lot of personal initiative to change any behavior. When a person feels entitled enough to cheat on his partner, that shows a deep-rooted belief that his desires are more important that anyone else’s, probably yours as well. Protect your heart, and your genitals.

    8. “I’m just not good at connecting with people.”
    There are only a few people in the world that are natural social stud-muffins. Most of us still remember our awkward years where we felt like we didn’t fit in to the popular crowd. Rope-in your confidence, and put yourself in a social situation where you have the opportunity to strike up some casual conversations.

    7. “You can’t find love on a dating site or in a bar.”
    Quite the contrary. Actually, staying in your apartment wishing for Prince Charming to find and fondle you is totally pointless. Logging onto social networking/dating sites or venturing out from your house mentally prepares you for meeting and interacting with people. You can improve your communication skills, change your expectations or hang out in different environments to increase your chances. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there.

    6. “I will never find a good relationship.”
    This is one of the most destructive beliefs that can cause depression, isolation, bitchy attitudes and a lack of initiative in getting out to meet people. Maybe a more accurate statement would be, “I am never going to marry Enrique Iglesias.” You may need to re-examine what you are looking for and how you are doing it. There are many awesome people out there. Don’t close yourself off to possibility.

    5. “Gay men can’t be trusted and are emotional trainwrecks.”
    This is not always the case, but many feel that there is a high prevalence of dishonesty, substance abuse and annoying quirks. It is so important to really take the opportunity to get to know someone before you ask him to move in or make him your Power of Attorney. Unfortunately, it may take longer than a few weeks.

    4. “Being nice and thoughtful isn’t valued in our community.”
    The stereotype that states: “nice guys always finish last” isn’t true. However, there are some other things that can keep you from finishing first. Being caring or sympathetic is great, but it can be pushed to the extreme. You may want to hold off on sending two tickets to Palm Springs to the guy you went on a first date with last night.

    3. “Bars are the only places to meet gay people.”
    Many times bars can hold the highest concentration of gays at any given time, but we are everywhere. Get creative. Go to coffee shops, parks, museums, social organizations or book stores (not just the dirty ones). Keep your eyes open for that cute guy that just smiled at you walking down the sidewalk. Don’t look away; smile back!

    2. “Drugs and alcohol increase my chances of scoring.”
    Being obnoxious, falling down and making an ass of yourself will not guarantee you get laid. Actually, most of the time people aren’t impressed by it and your equipment won’t work anyway if you do get the opportunity to get naked with someone. Keep your usage in check. There is a fine line between social lubricant and an oil spill.

    1. “That person is too hot to talk to.”
    There is absolutely no one too hot for you to walk up to and say, “hi.” Be careful not to get confused if someone returns the greeting. It does not mean that he wants to strike up a conversation, is going to sleep with you, or that you should grab his crotch. Picking up on social cues and body language can help you figure out if you should continue trying to engage this person in conversation, or move on to another stud.
    - See more at: http://outfrontonline.com/living/brent-heinze/10-common-mistakes-gay-men-make-in-the-dating-world/#sthash.dZyjWe3N.dpuf
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    Dec 11, 2013 1:00 PM GMT
    socalx10 said

    6. “I will never find a good relationship.”
    This is one of the most destructive beliefs that can cause depression, isolation, bitchy attitudes and a lack of initiative in getting out to meet people. Maybe a more accurate statement would be, “I am never going to marry Enrique Iglesias.” You may need to re-examine what you are looking for and how you are doing it. There are many awesome people out there. Don’t close yourself off to possibility.


    Yup, im stuck with this one. After years of nothing I can't shake the belief I'm meant to be alone for the long haul.

    Also... nothing on this list is really specific to gay people, I think these apply to people in general
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    Dec 11, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    Being stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.
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    Dec 11, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    The most important qualities for a person to possess are integrity, inner strength and intelligence.

    Ohno saidBeing stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.



    Really, only intelligent men are datable? That attitude is as shallow as only dating guys with big dicks .
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    Dec 11, 2013 3:54 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThe most important qualities for a person to possess are integrity, inner strength and intelligence.

    Ohno saidBeing stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.



    Really, only intelligent men are datable? That attitude is as shallow as only dating guys with big dicks .


    Are you objecting to me or the op? I didn't say either were undateable, but many gay guys act more dumb than they really are when trying to be "sexy".
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    1. send the wrong car for Valentines Day.

    2. Spank too hard.

    3. Make bad pasta.

    4. Wear bad underwear - GOD I HATE that......

    5. Drink too much

    6. wear clothes

    7. not be willing to be "measured."

    8. Smoke. It's SO 80's

    9. Have Keg Parties.

    10. Wear velvet (I wear velvet)
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    11. Duckface photos
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    12. Writing their phone numbers insufficiently clearly on toilet walls
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:13 PM GMT
    Ohno said12. Writing their phone numbers insufficiently clearly on toilet walls


    I kinda LOVE You....
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    13. Wearing a yellow hanky as "just a fashion accessory"
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:47 PM GMT
    The numbers that stood out to me the most are #10, #8, #5, #4, and #1. My opinions on those are the following

    #10: In my experience I have noticed that these type of guys are generally the least friendly, mostly when I see them they are surrounded by friends who look like clones of themselves. The only times when I've generally noticed guys like that who are genuinely nice to me and keep up a conversation with me is when they are attracted to me, which is flattering but at the same time if you're only cordial to a person because you're attracted to them then you're a scumbag.

    #8: I can identify with this to a point. I dont feel that i dont have confidence, but i do feel that I am just a very different type of guy and sometimes that can make things complicated.

    #5: I wouldn't say that gay men cant be trusted, but I will say that almost every gay guy I've come into contact with has had some serious personality issue. All of the personality issues wernt the same with each one but they were still there nevertheless.

    #4: This a big one in my opinion that i think i disagree with. Of course there are bitchy people all over, but i can honestly testify that when i came out and entered the gay community i witnessed and experienced an overwhelming amount of bitchiness from gays that i had not seen in straights. I think anyone who disagrees that the gay community is soaked in bitchiness has either not spent alot of time around large sums of gays or is lying to try to make everything seem ok.

    #1: This correlates with #10. As i continue to get in better shape and form a more "defined" frame I have noticed that gay guys are more cordial to me, this includes gay guys that have previously befriended me as well. But i think that if you are some huge fat guy or some skinny guy with no definition whatsoever chances are if you approach a big muscular guy you wont get very far. I dont think this is exactly a bad thing because it makes sense that a really hot person wouldn't want to settle because they dont have to.
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    Dec 11, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    Ohno saidBeing stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.


    Hmmm, I guess the OP meant stupid guys in douchebag terms. There are smart guys that are stupid and think others are stupid aside of him. And I have known guys who seemed like douches, but when talking to them are actually nice. Maybe the thing is to be open and get to know who you are dating before getting serious.
  • Fable

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    Dec 11, 2013 9:29 PM GMT
    Ohno saidBeing stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.



    This is so not true.
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    Dec 11, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    14. Going into a darkroom without night vision goggles

    15. Stealing hot guys' underwear at the gym (swapping is more romantic)
  • BloodFlame

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    Dec 12, 2013 12:42 AM GMT
    I mostly identified with #10 (slightly), 8, 6, 5, & 1.

    #10
    I only say slightly here because while I am very attracted to muscular guys, if I witness or see them being arrogant or rude, then I lose all interest and won't bat an eye. But I will agree with Copperdevil in the sense that the ones who hang around with other clones of themselves, tend to be a bit more exclusive or unfriendly unless you look like them to a degree. It's just the way it is unfortunately so it's pointless to argue about it.
    #8
    I'm guilty of feeling this way and it's not just only with Gay people either. It's with people in general. Whenever I do try to meet people, even some that I think I'd have something in common with, I can't help but feel like I can't connect. But I'm slowly working on this problem. After all, the world is filled with people and there has to be at least a few people you can feel at home with.
    #6
    Guilty of thinking this as well. Mostly because in my 7 years of being out, I haven't had one boyfriend and yeah I know I'm young and stuff but this goes back to number 8 where I notice I have a hard time connecting people so sometimes it's hard to imagine myself with someone who'd accept me for me but like 8, I'm working on this as well.
    #5
    I don't necessarily think all gay men can't be trusted but I guess sometimes, this comes up seeing how sexualized the gay community can be, especially at Pride. So I guess it's understandable why some would feel this way going based on behaviors of some gays but you should never assume. As far as dating a gay person, sometimes I feel I'm better off dating a bisexual guy since a lot of gay guys I've noticed aren't interested in me and the small few who are, I'm just not interested in. Not to mention that the small few guys where I had mutual attraction with, were indeed bi. Bad I know and I'm going to work on this because I've met a few nice gay guys who were great getting to know.
    #1
    I have to agree with Copperdevil a bit here as well. I started exercising/taking better care of myself in the beginning of 2012 and while it doesn't look like it from my pic (I really need to update lol), I've gotten a teensy bit more defined and I noticed some guys do like that despite me being of smaller frame.
    I will say that even though it's rare for said muscular guy to be into someone fat or skinny, it's not impossible but it really does depend on the area you are (most of the time). Me personally, I like the size I am and I know people say that in order to attract someone you like in the gay world, you must become that but I just don't want to get big and at the end of the day, I don't mind waiting to meet that one rare exception who doesn't go for someone who's a clone of him. But that's just me. icon_smile.gif

    Interesting list.
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    Dec 12, 2013 12:49 AM GMT
    I'll add a couple more to the list.

    # 11 - being too bitter and bitch/talk too much about your ex, thus turn off any potential suitors !! icon_rolleyes.gif

    # 12 - Text, call the guys too much at the beginning! icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 12, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    Ohno saidBeing stupid is deemed more sexy than being intelligent regardless of looks.


    Only if you look like a Dolce Gabbana male model! icon_razz.gificon_razz.gif
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    Dec 12, 2013 1:14 AM GMT
    Not putting out on the first date.
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    Dec 12, 2013 1:30 AM GMT
    Mmm...
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    Dec 12, 2013 4:48 AM GMT
    8 and 6 are spot on for me
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    Dec 12, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    I'm so out of the dating scene... To shy, to stressful,... please futur husband, just come knock at my door, will be much more easier ! icon_biggrin.gif Don't forget the pizzas and the beers on your way home !
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    Dec 12, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    HFrenchM saidI'm so out of the dating scene... To shy, to stressful,... please futur husband, just come knock at my door, will be much more easier ! icon_biggrin.gif Don't forget the pizzas and the beers on your way home !


    LOl this is cute, Pizzas and beers?! Lol as long as you don't get a belly! jk !! icon_redface.gif
  • Beeftastic

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    Dec 12, 2013 7:16 AM GMT
    I pretty much follow all of this. Why am I single? I do sometimes slip up and follow the bad habits, but mostly no.
  • WolfInSpace

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    Dec 12, 2013 7:42 AM GMT
    Nirvana_Fan1991 said I know people say that in order to attract someone you like in the gay world, you must become that


    Interesting you say that. Is this general consensus? That is, being into muscular guys, the only way to attract them is to become muscular oneself?
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    Dec 12, 2013 7:58 AM GMT
    I think the biggest mistake is gay men thinking that they're a failure if they don't have a boyfriend. Lots of guys I meet seem to define themselves by it. It can come off as a lack of self confidence, or a lack of individuality, and seeing how much importance our society places in a mate's confidence and self-assurance, it can be a big turn off. I think this applies to people in general though.

    I really do think there are more important things in life than finding a mate. I don't believe I need to have a boyfriend or husband in order to have it all. I'm not against the idea of romance in the least, but I'm not foaming at the mouth for it either.

    Personally, I feel it's important to build a foundation of love in other ways - through family and friends first, then career and fulfillment of dreams. The rest can happen when it happens.