the crazy dog and me...

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    Dec 09, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    Hello everyone!
    Recently I decide to unlock my profile, and, this time, try my best to establish myself as a "regular" at the site, as part of my big plan
    to turn myself in a more social person, and obviously, because this is a great... and funny... and hot site. In my first
    not-so-successful attempt, for my own fault I believe, I failed miserably; it was really estrange, as if I was getting into the party by
    the back door and not in a good way.
    So, consider this my "debutante ball" and welcome to my party!!!
    And here goes my story. When I was in the second grade a dog attacked me and almost ate my left ear; the whole thing was a big deal,the
    dog had rabies and I almost got it. Anyway, after the recovery my friends would make fun of me all the time, calling "the crazy dog" and
    stupid things like that. One day I lost my temper in class, and end up stabbing one of them with a pencil. I hit the poor boy on the head, behind
    his ear; it was a mess, blood all over my book, table... not good. I was so scared, not for what I did, but because it felt good. I went home that day
    sure of one thing, my dad was about to kill me; but nothing happened, nobody said a word to me, not my dad, either the school; no
    punishment, nothing. The whole experience turn out to be so strong, that since then I never let my anger take me over. And, without
    over analyze it, I believe, that was what made me a pacifist, or in the eyes of my dad, a coward. My question is: Are you a violent person? If you are,
    what was the worst act of violence you committed and how it has affected you?
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    Dec 09, 2008 5:47 AM GMT
    icon_eek.gif

    Ok most violent act committed to date:

    Grade school, I swung a wooden beam hard enough to splinter on a windowsill against an older guy who was taunting me.

    Afterwards: Same reaction. Shock and scared at the realization that I fully intended to kill him. Luckily he evaded it and teachers managed to stop the fight.

    I lose control when I'm really angry, which is why I very rarely let myself get mad over something personal. Friends know not to push me too much by now icon_razz.gif
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    Dec 09, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    So I read your post and your profile. What I am curious about is the fate of this kid you stabbed with a pencil. You say you saw someone die painfully when you were a kid, was it the same guy?

    Personally, I think it sucks when adults don't react to enormously momentous events in their children's lives. That happened to me twice, with significant events when I was 13 and 15.

    Just as in your case, no one even mentioned it - they just tried to pretend that this massive thing never happened. Frankly, that fucked me up - and I am still dealing with the consequences today.

    Obviously, there is nothing to be done about what happened 30 years ago. I do the best I can and know that there are wounds that will never ever heal.

    It seems courageous to me that you would be willing to say what you did in your post and to start a thread like this. Most people would not admit to something like that, especially not as an opener to trying to be more social.

    Like Sed, I live with a good bit of anger. Sometimes it scares the crap out of me when it comes out at times that might be considered inappropriate. What I do is direct my anger against inanimate objects.

    When I feel out of control with rage (maybe once a year or once every year and a half) I tend to destroy telephones - the cellular the better.

    The worst act of violence against another person was knocking a guy out cold who slapped me during sex play (I have written about that here before). Honestly, that did not have any effect on me other than to feel silly.

    Violence doesn't exhilarate me at all. Even if I lose my temper and destroy a cell phone or smash a plate I don't feel better for having done it. Violence makes me feel stupid and out of control.

    Terry
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    Dec 09, 2008 3:34 PM GMT
    ursamajor said
    Violence doesn't exhilarate me at all. Even if I lose my temper and destroy a cell phone or smash a plate I don't feel better for having done it. Violence makes me feel stupid and out of control.

    Terry


    Indeed. It makes me embarrassed even, to the point that I immediately apologize to the victim once the anger has passed (even if the anger was fully deserved, as in a few cases).

    There was one incident in which after getting driven over my threshold (this time during early college) I got so mad, I could almost see steam coming out of my nostrils. LOL I was shaking all over, hyperventilating, seeing red, and had trouble concentrating on the fact that the remark was probably even just a really bad joke. I forced myself to walk away. I found a seat away from the guy (a friend really, who uttered one thoughtless remark too many on a particularly bad day for me) placed my head between my knees, started to rock back and forth, and forced my breathing to return to normal. I swear, the sounds I was making... like a panting horse. LOL But it worked and I returned and apologized.

    My oldest friends know to leave me alone when I'm having those 'moments' of trying to wrestle back control of myself. No one even dared laugh, though I probably looked stupid as hell, being all balled up like that, rocking, AND snorting like King Kong. icon_lol.gif

    Controlling my anger was a bit difficult at first. I have no 'little anger' moments. I'm just two extremes: the pushover, and the berserker. I have a very high tolerance for insults. I can stand letting people walk all over me, but there's a limit, and once I'm over that... I scare myself.

    It's easier now. I just put distance between me and the source of anger and let my thoughts churn out a bit. At least I don't lash out physically anymore. Lord knows there are enough stories about incidents like that in my childhood. Heh
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    Dec 09, 2008 6:49 PM GMT
    ursamajor saidPersonally, I think it sucks when adults don't react to enormously momentous events in their children's lives. That happened to me twice, with significant events when I was 13 and 15.


    Tell me about it. I learned of the following story at around age 25...

    I was in a church class on sexuality when I was 12, and somehow I let on that I like boys (it was a very disarming technique the teachers used). My home town was pretty insular, and it was the early '80s, so I didn't even know what the word gay meant. I was answering based on feelings and was unaware of the associated label. I thought it meant retarded and not a sexual term.

    Anyway, later the teachers approached my parents and told them that I was very brave and that they were proud of me for coming out. My parents swept it under the rug, and never bothered to discuss it with me again, justifying it by saying I was a very shy and private person who probably wouldn't want to talk about it anyway.

    The problem was, word got out to my friends at school and suddenly they turned on me and hazed me. I didn't know why. I was a fun enough kid and I think people liked me, but from that point on all my 'friends' were careful to make sure they weren't seen as being too buddy buddy with me, and often I'd get stabbed in the back by this 'friend' or that when reputations were on the line. Still didn't really know why, so my mind started second guessing everything else about me. All the while I was keeping my attraction to men unspoken and was thinking I was just in some f*cked up adolescent phase that would straighten out later in life.

    I became very depressed for a couple of years there, and only kept neighborhood friends who were at least a couple of years younger than me, or at least not at my own grade level.

    So yeah, disengaged parents can be a real problem. The whole thing affected my socialization, and at times it affects me to this day. Sometimes I am an absolute blast socially, because I really tend to appreciate what I have around me and and it shows (rugby was awesome for this). Other times I'm as awkward and insecure as hell, and I'm the weird guy (in a city of weirdos, which is a minor consolation).

    (I cannot believe I just spilled all this...I'm sure one of my local contacts on RJ will enjoy sharing it with his bar friends. Fuck it.)
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    Dec 09, 2008 7:59 PM GMT
    As everyone on here knows, I grew up in Tejas.

    It is very cool that you "spilled that" because it is honest. Obviously, you have always been honest.

    I'd far rather have integrity than be popular (not that I was ever going to be popular anyway).

    Terry
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    Dec 09, 2008 8:35 PM GMT
    ursamajor saidAs everyone on here knows, I grew up in Tejas.

    It is very cool that you "spilled that" because it is honest. Obviously, you have always been honest.

    I'd far rather have integrity than be popular (not that I was ever going to be popular anyway).

    Terry


    Thanks man. Sometimes I forget, and sometimes my honesty gets me into trouble.

    I forgot to say kudos to ULDF for taking his experience and turning it into a major personality asset.
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    Dec 09, 2008 8:37 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX said
    ursamajor saidPersonally, I think it sucks when adults don't react to enormously momentous events in their children's lives. That happened to me twice, with significant events when I was 13 and 15.


    Tell me about it. I learned of the following story at around age 25...

    I was in a church class on sexuality when I was 12, and somehow I let on that I like boys (it was a very disarming technique the teachers used). My home town was pretty insular, and it was the early '80s, so I didn't even know what the word gay meant. I was answering based on feelings and was unaware of the associated label. I thought it meant retarded and not a sexual term.

    Anyway, later the teachers approached my parents and told them that I was very brave and that they were proud of me for coming out. My parents swept it under the rug, and never bothered to discuss it with me again, justifying it by saying I was a very shy and private person who probably wouldn't want to talk about it anyway.

    The problem was, word got out to my friends at school and suddenly they turned on me and hazed me. I was a fun enough kid and I think people liked me, but from that point on all my 'friends' were careful to make sure they weren't seen as being too buddy buddy with me, and often I'd get stabbed in the back by this 'friend' or that when reputations were on the line. All the while I was keeping my attraction to men unspoken and was thinking I was just in some f*cked up adolescent phase that would straighten out later in life.

    I became very depressed for a couple of years there, and only kept neighborhood friends who were at least a couple of years younger than me, or at least not at my own grade level.

    So yeah, disengaged parents can be a real problem. The whole thing affected my socialization, and at times it affects me to this day. Sometimes I am an absolute blast socially, because I really tend to appreciate what I have around me and and it shows (rugby was awesome for this). Other times I'm as awkward and insecure as hell, and I'm the weird guy (in a city of weirdos, which is a minor consolation).

    (I cannot believe I just spilled all this...I'm sure one of my local contacts on RJ will enjoy sharing it with his bar friends. Fuck it.)


    People here at times must be agog at the things I disclose about myself and my life. But I finished writting all about it, in much more depth than I do here, and sent it off to all ex living family members. So I really disclose nothing here, I just share. But putting my storey down on paper, was so liberating. I outed myself on everything. The thing that has pissed many of them off is. I have just guaranteed, my life, and what happened to me, and what they did, want die with time. icon_biggrin.gif

    Coming from a prominent family with a name, in the community I was to grow up in. With a long history in Oz, and the Name pattison, has a long history in America too. (oh not my pa's last name but a family name, and my first name). The abuse I was subjected to was all swept under the carpet, even when I went to the police looking for help. I was told I should be grateful I have a good roof over my head, and 3 meals a day, so I then went and road my push bike head on into a car, and this was swept under the carpet too, and never even went to court. So even as a child, a young man, and now a growen man. When i hurt. I have no need to take it out on others.

    I think it's one of the things the hurt me the most working for the gay community, I seen many hurting via AIDS, and they took that out on others.

    I find giving myself the right too be 100% open, so liberating. I am an open book. This can open you up to abuse too, as I've experienced here. But I'm strong within myself, and their words or issues have never hurt me. icon_biggrin.gif

    My life is brilliant.......
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    Dec 09, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    Pattison said

    People here at timers must be agog at the things I disclose about myself and my life. But I finished writting all about it, in much more depth than I do here, and sent it off to all ex living family members. So I really disclose nothing here, I just share. But putting my storey down on paper, was so liberating. I outed myself on everything. The thing that has pissed many of them off is. I have just guaranteed, my life, and what happened to me, and what they did, want die with time. icon_biggrin.gif

    Coming from a prominent family with a name, in the community I was to grow up in. With a long history in Oz, and the Name pattison, has a long history in America too. (oh not my pa's last name but a family name, and my first name). The abuse I was subjected to was all swept under the carpet, even when I went to the police looking for help. I was told I should be grateful I have a good roof over my head, and 3 meals a day, so I then went and road my push bike head on into a cart, and this was swept under the carpet too, and never even went to court.

    I find giving myself the right too be 100% open, so liberating. I am an open book. This can open you up to abuse to, as I've experienced here. But I;m strong within myself, and their words or issues have never hurt me. icon_biggrin.gif

    My life is brilliant.......


    This is the first time I have actually been able to read an entire post from you. Anyway, I'm glad it was this one. Cheers.

    P.S.: Forgive the later edits to my post above.
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    Dec 09, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    Pat, you are the best.

    Actually when I first ran into you on here I wasn't a fan. I honestly couldn't figure out WTF you were talking about.

    GiGi turned the tide for me. I figured that if he was your friend then you HAD to be OK and I started listening and reading your posts.

    Dumb ass ole me, took me awhile to figure out that you have your shit together far more than I do. I am grateful that you choose to call me a friend.

    Thank you for saying what you said here. This is a pretty momentous thread for RJ. Just a bunch a white chicks sittin around with coffee.


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    Dec 10, 2008 1:36 AM GMT
    Terry, you are so right!!!, I am such a bore and I just gave it up so easily. Damn, here goes my good chances of getting some action.
    Party puper - check.
    No, seriously, it was awesome hear your stories guys, more like testimonies; it's good to feel free to open up, no matter what. I appreciate it.
    Actually, the whole thing looks to me just like a nice tea party, eah! After all I am not a party puper.