Friend found out he is HIV+

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    Dec 09, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    Oh no.... A good friend of mine Just found out he is HIV+. He is someone that has easily fell for guys that act like they love him. He didn't expect to leave the hospital with HIV. I guess he was gonna get married and he finally found that guy he always wanted. I guess this guy was cheating on him and look what happens.

    I'm not sure what to do, he thinks his life is over. He wants to kill himself and I don't know what to do. All I've done was hold him and tell him its okay as he cries on me.

    What do I do?

    This kind of thing scares me, someone that said they loved you so much end up giving you HIV because they cheated.
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    Dec 09, 2008 9:39 PM GMT
    Put him in immediate touch with an HIV/AIDS agency in Denver (where I believe you both live). They will take it from there, get him psychological counseling, get him into whatever medical care program is appropriate and affordable in his circumstances.

    HIV is not a death sentence, but it is serious. An immediate medical evaluation and care is required. Don't let him procrastinate.

    He is naturally despondent over this news. He needs professionals to tell him his life isn't over. Please make this happen for him.
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    Dec 09, 2008 9:46 PM GMT
    This is going to sound dopey, but I'm serious.

    1. Comfort him. Hug him. Hold him. Let him vent. Theres nothing like getting that kind of news then a neg person telling you life isn't over. Bullshit. In a way, life is over for him. But a new one is instore. Whether he'll live it postively or negatively is up to him, with the help of those around him. Be one of his positive influences. Let him know you're there for him, no matter what.

    2. Show him these sites. They out do themselves in helping people with HIV. Better? Scope out the site WITH him.


    http://www.poz.com/

    http://www.thebody.com/


    3. Help him find a Mental Health counselor.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 09, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    Your friend is dealing with not just the fact that he is HIV+, but that his lover cheated on him and passed on the virus. Sadly I have known a couple of other people that this has happened to.

    Besides what you are doing for him now, I think you should try and convince your friend to talk to an HIV counsellor right away. Often AIDS/HIV hotlines will be able to give your friend the names of counsellors.

    The counsellor will be able to actively listen to his fears and concerns and try to allay some of them. The counsellor or the HIV hotline will be able to inform your friend of support groups of HIV+ men who meet and talk about what they are going through.

    Your friend will hopefully come to realize that HIV is no longer an automatic death sentence. However from my personal experience as well as those of friends who have contracted the disease, the strongest feelings after becoming positive are those of feeling apart from other gay people. You feel others will reject you or find you disgusting. Combined with these initial feelings are sometimes those of guilt and recrimination ("why did I trust him and let him have unprotected sex with me" for example).

    Becoming depressed after getting this news is very common. WIth support and time your friend should be able to cope with the news. He will have good days and bad days (the betrayal by his bf might actually in the long run be harder to deal with), but hopefully with time the bad days will get less common.

    Finally I would recommend "TheBody.com" as the best website for HIV+ men. It has questions from men around the world about dealing with the disease, treatments, etc.. It is an invaluable resource for HIV+ men and their friends.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Dec 09, 2008 11:08 PM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT saidOh no.... A good friend of mine Just found out he is HIV+. He is someone that has easily fell for guys that act like they love him. He didn't expect to leave the hospital with HIV. I guess he was gonna get married and he finally found that guy he always wanted. I guess this guy was cheating on him and look what happens.

    I'm not sure what to do, he thinks his life is over. He wants to kill himself and I don't know what to do. All I've done was hold him and tell him its okay as he cries on me.

    What do I do?

    This kind of thing scares me, someone that said they loved you so much end up giving you HIV because they cheated.


    Sorry to make a joke on such a serious thread, but it was difficult to take your touching post serious when your profile picture, right next to it, had you with a huge smile on your face.

    (just do your best to be there for your friend, however he needs you)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 09, 2008 11:16 PM GMT
    Great advice above. This sort of diagnosis is not easy, but it is not the death sentence it once was. Yes, he needs to get set up with appropriate counseling and a support group to show he isn't alone and that the disease can be managed.

    But it is a life-changing diagnosis. He has to take meds daily. He has to engage in safe sex. He will likely have to accept rejection and judgment for his diagnosis, but he has to move past that. He knows the person he is.
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    Dec 09, 2008 11:25 PM GMT
    Fuck. That sucks. You should beat the CRAP out of your friends ex. If someone I loved gave me HIV through cheating, I'd fuck him up so bad.

    Try to find other HIV pos guys in the area that are role models or have been through the same situation so that your friend knows his life isn't over and he can still lead a physically healthy life.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Dec 09, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    Support. Support Support. Get him to see those that are trained with HIV crisis management and possibly even a suicide prevention program if it's that bad.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 09, 2008 11:30 PM GMT
    Oh Dear!.....But his life is far from Over. I grew up in the era where there was really no treatment. Happy to say I have some frineds that are HIV poz for like 18years & healthy. Its treatible nowedays. one can Mostly lead a "normal" life. My ex was poz also, And was extremly healthy. Its NO dealth sentence anymore icon_biggrin.gif
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Dec 09, 2008 11:49 PM GMT
    He'll be fine after awhile. Right now he needs his friends to be patient and let him vent, as was already mentioned.

    Been in his situation, and it gets easier as time passes.

  • BronxvilleNY3...

    Posts: 101

    Dec 10, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    He needs professional help. Find an appointment for him!
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    Dec 10, 2008 1:10 AM GMT
    jakebenson saidFuck. That sucks. You should beat the CRAP out of your friends ex. If someone I loved gave me HIV through cheating, I'd fuck him up so bad.

    Try to find other HIV pos guys in the area that are role models or have been through the same situation so that your friend knows his life isn't over and he can still lead a physically healthy life.



    Um I um... sort of beat the cheater up already. When I say sort of I mean I punched him in the jaw and slammed him on the groud.


    OOPS, ill regret that i know it.


    Many are helping him and he is getting better, he wants to go get wasted at every homo bar here this weekend. I am not sure I can do that, who knows what he will do drunk
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    Dec 10, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    great advice, his life is far from being over. He can still do everything he has done before. He can fall in love, build a career, buy a home etc etc etc. HIV is now pretty much a managed disease.

    The best advice is be there and stand by him.
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    Dec 10, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    This is obviously devastating news for your friend. He is very lucky to friends like you to support him through this.

    Right now the biggest risk to your friend's life is his possible suicidality, not HIV. Take his talk of suicide seriously and get him in touch with counseling asap. If your friend indicates that he is not just thinking about ending his life, but is making plans to do so (in other words, if you can get him to tell you about, or think he has worked out, a method, place, time etc to kill himself) then either call 911 or take him to an emergency room without delay. At least until he has been assessed by a psychiatrist or other mental health pro, it would be a good idea that he spend little or no time alone. And, if you know that he has access to firearms, insist that he give them up for the time being.

    I wish you and and your friend well. As others have pointed out, HIV is now a largely treatable chronic illness - albeit one which presents all sorts of challenges. Peace.
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    Dec 10, 2008 2:34 AM GMT
    The good news is that your friend is alive. It could be worse - he could have died in a car crash. Which is not terribly uncommon. No one's life is guaranteed to be healthy and untroubled, so your friend is making an assumption about what he's 'lost' by becoming +.

    As associate at work has a son who is 30, he just past away two weeks ago from a waisting disease of some sort. Doctors had no cure. Took 5 months for him to go from 200lbs to 80lbs. Looked like a mummy in his coffin.

    You never know.

    I won't repeat the other good advice that you've gotten here. Your friend needs friends and experts. You are a friend, that's all you can be. Let the experts be the experts. Do your part. I have an HIV+ friend and it's not going well for him at all. But he's not without friends.

    Good luck.

    As for the guy that got him infected - he's part victom as well. The real enemy is the disease. Ok, you punched him and threw him down. He deserves something for cheating and something for not being safe. But he doesn't deserve to be exiled from society or branded with a scarlet letter.
    He's going to have to bare a mental burden as it is atop of being HIV+. And he's going to need friends to keep upbeat and focused on his own fight for life.

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    Dec 10, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT said
    jakebenson saidFuck. That sucks. You should beat the CRAP out of your friends ex. If someone I loved gave me HIV through cheating, I'd fuck him up so bad.

    Try to find other HIV pos guys in the area that are role models or have been through the same situation so that your friend knows his life isn't over and he can still lead a physically healthy life.



    Um I um... sort of beat the cheater up already. When I say sort of I mean I punched him in the jaw and slammed him on the groud.


    OOPS, ill regret that i know it.


    Many are helping him and he is getting better, he wants to go get wasted at every homo bar here this weekend. I am not sure I can do that, who knows what he will do drunk


    Sorry to have to say this, but if you beat him up, you're no better than he is.

    I'm not happy that he did something to give your friend HIV, but for you to harm him over something like that just shows how childish and reactionary you are.

    I was given HIV by a guy who knew he had it and didn't disclose, and you know what? I forgave him for it. Doesn't mean I like what he did, but if I had harmed him in retaliation, I'd be just as much a scumbag as those who said he was.

    I highly doubt that your friend's boyfriend deliberately set out to spread HIV around. Do you honestly think he did? Can you tell us, without doubt, that the guy is saying, "Let's see who I can infect today?"
    Has it occurred to you that HE TOO has HIV and is probably now hurting, ashamed, and scared to death??

    So, do you really feel like some macho he-man for beating-up someone who has made a bad mistake and is dealing with a life-altering illness to boot? "Hey, I'm a hero for punching-out a guy with AIDS!"

    If you're as much a man as you'd like to think you are, you'll apologize to that guy and find a way to make sure they BOTH get the support and counselling they need.
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    Dec 11, 2008 9:48 AM GMT
    um no you dont understand....

    The guy said he knew he had it, gave it to this guy because he didnt want him to leave him.

    It was stupid I shouldnt have did what I did but it happened. They guy doesnt even care what happened.
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    Dec 11, 2008 10:02 AM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT said
    jakebenson saidFuck. That sucks. You should beat the CRAP out of your friends ex. If someone I loved gave me HIV through cheating, I'd fuck him up so bad.

    Try to find other HIV pos guys in the area that are role models or have been through the same situation so that your friend knows his life isn't over and he can still lead a physically healthy life.



    Um I um... sort of beat the cheater up already. When I say sort of I mean I punched him in the jaw and slammed him on the groud.


    OOPS, ill regret that i know it.


    Many are helping him and he is getting better, he wants to go get wasted at every homo bar here this weekend. I am not sure I can do that, who knows what he will do drunk


    Dude, I just hope you didn't affect your health by punching him! Yeah I know I'm over reacting and probably sound all skitz, but you don't know what he might do back to you in his own defence.

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    Dec 11, 2008 10:03 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidPut him in immediate touch with an HIV/AIDS agency in Denver (where I believe you both live). They will take it from there, get him psychological counseling, get him into whatever medical care program is appropriate and affordable in his circumstances.

    HIV is not a death sentence, but it is serious. An immediate medical evaluation and care is required. Don't let him procrastinate.

    He is naturally despondent over this news. He needs professionals to tell him his life isn't over. Please make this happen for him.


    Red_Vespa has the best advice, I think. Whatever HIV/AIDS org is in Denver will help him find all the services he needs, including mental health counseling, diet, and getting an evaluation as to his viral count, etc. A one-stop shop for all his HIV needs. And they should help cover partial costs if not all of it. They may even have gay and hiv+ staff/volunteers who can mentor him about his new life with HIV.
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    Dec 11, 2008 10:06 AM GMT
    kRakaJak saidit's 2009. if anyone is getting hiv these days they deserve it.


    Typical
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    Dec 11, 2008 10:07 AM GMT
    kRakaJak saidit's 2009. if anyone is getting hiv these days they deserve it.



    Well they both cheated on each other I found out. Maybe I should have found out the whole truth before body slamming the dude. Who knows but being with dudes is fucking scary.

    I hope no one attacks Mr Krakajak for what he said, everyone has their views on HIV.
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    Dec 11, 2008 10:21 AM GMT
    This is why you move to a place where you are the only two guys around lol.


    This way you or your guy cant get anything if one cheats, unless there is a hot pig around. No I'm not making light of HIV, its not a joke.


    Nothing against People with HIV but I'm sorry, If I knew a guy had it I wouldnt get involved. This is just my opinion, althought there are things to keep you healthy and alive, one day they wont work.

    Just my opinion, I dont need a "onslaught hates fags, and people with HIV"
    thing happening.

    Im sorry but when you want to grow old with your guy, him having HIV and on meds isnt gonna change that you will be left alone with out him. If this I am wrong, please inform me.

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    Dec 11, 2008 10:24 AM GMT
    I just went thru his myself, although I don't think I got it, but fuck, knowing it and passing it on knowingly is shit. HIV guys need to stop fucking with other guys lives..kinda makes me think they are all out for retaliation themselves
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 11, 2008 11:37 AM GMT
    KRAKAZA,

    Common now. That a real mean things to say. Not everybody get infected because they are a lusty slut indulging in barebacking. How about rape victim? How about newly born of infected parent? People who get it due to infected blood?

    I take every possible precaution possible to protect myself. I insist on condom before giving anyone a blow job. I use to insist on two piece of condom before bottoming(until I found out it actually increase the chance of condom breakage) I avoid touching semen. But all this measure didnt mean I will never get AIDS. Who know I can get it thru kissing, rape by some stranger who have AIDS, get a HIV infected blood transfution. The condom I use break, Some guy without my knowledge taking the condom off before sodomizing me (in the dark for instance).

    We should not blame AIDS patient. How to do you feel if you get it someday, and some jerk laughing at your face saying "you deserve it"
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    Dec 11, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
    ONSLAUGHT saidIm sorry but when you want to grow old with your guy, him having HIV and on meds isnt gonna change that you will be left alone with out him. If this I am wrong, please inform me.

    Onslaught - when I first found out I was HIV+, I used to think the same thing...what's the point in dating ...I probably only have 5 years left in me. But now it's close to 13 plus years and I am healthier now then when I first found out. So what do I now? the last 2-3 years especially after moving to Chicago made me realize that the virus like any other long term disease can be managed. And what researchers and scientists are saying now is that the virus will be controlled or eliminated by using not a vaccine but a variety of different types of medicines that can hit the virus from different points and stages in it's evolution. And when I meet guys who have had the virus for nearly 3 decades - who am I to say that living a long life with my partner is not possible?

    Onslaught - my question is if you found someone you loved - and they found out they had cancer or diabetes or some other long term disease. Would you stick around to help them or feel like it's not worth your time. Maybe that's a question you need to ask yourself. Maybe you aren't ready to be in a committed ltr? Just a thought and I hope this helps you....Peace.

    ....oh for your friend...I agree with previous posts...
    www.poz.com - has a multitude of resources and how to begin the process of dealing with your new status.
    http://www.nelsonvergel.com - A friend who is incredibly knowledgeable about dealing with HIV from a nutrition / excercise standpoint - he wrote "Built to Survive"
    Hope that helps....