Next stage of acceptance

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    Dec 19, 2013 5:25 PM GMT
    I think I have entered the next stage of accepting i am gay. Every once in a while i will be with my family and i would think to myself , man i really want to tell one of these people im gay. Also going through facebook and thinking what would happen if i changed my facebook prefrences status to men. Every once in a while thinking about being married to a great guy too. A few yrs before I would have been very depressed and fought it tooth and nail but now when i think about that i am happy. Am I almost to the place where I will be 100 percent comfortable with telling who I want? icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 19, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    thebearerofbadnews saidcongrats. what did you do to get yourself to the point where you had the confidence to come out to your family and friends as well as accepting yourself? kind of need some guidance.


    Congrats for what? I think you misunderstood . I havent come out yet just been pushing towards it . Looking for guidance as well
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    Dec 19, 2013 10:03 PM GMT
    mike34 said
    Congrats for what? I think you misunderstood . I havent come out yet just been pushing towards it . Looking for guidance as well


    You don't have to come out to the whole wide world in order to deserve congratulations.

    The first and most difficult step of coming out is always your coming out to yourself. That's when you realize you are attracted to those of the same sex, and you start to think about building your future with that realization in mind. You think about falling in love with another guy; about him loving you back in a way that you have never truly had; you imagine sharing with him your most intimate feelings and desires. And you then realize that, in all the ways that matter, being gay is no different than being straight: that although straight people have never had to question their sexual orientation, we all have the same need to experience love.

    When you come out to yourself, you are acknowledging to yourself for the first time that this is who you really are, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about it. You accept yourself and the legitimacy of your feelings.

    Some guys come out to trusted friends so that they can have more support to accept themselves. Others may wait until they have come to terms with being gay before they open up to anyone else about it. How you go about your coming out process should be your decision.

    One final word of advice: coming out to others doesn't always mean being completely open to everyone and anyone. Start with the people in your life who you sense would be the most supportive and accepting, and then work your way toward the more difficult cases. Understand that there may be some people (who you may care very deeply for) that will never come around and accept your sexuality, but that does not mean you need to live your life in a way that protects them from the reality that you are gay. Your life is your own. You deserve to have happiness as much as anyone else. It is not your responsibility to keep others happy by denying yourself.
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    Dec 19, 2013 10:16 PM GMT
    ^^^. Wow! Most thoughtful posting I've read on RJ in a long time.
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    Dec 19, 2013 10:34 PM GMT
    YVRguy said^^^. Wow! Most thoughtful posting I've read on RJ in a long time.


    Agreed... you're my hero, pup! icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 19, 2013 11:04 PM GMT
    Thanks for the compliments guys. Just trying to do my part to help! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 20, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    ^ I'll add another +1 to the above. Excellent post.

    OP, congratulations on your progress.
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    Dec 20, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    Awesome!
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    Dec 20, 2013 2:52 PM GMT
    If you need help, please let me know.
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    Dec 20, 2013 3:45 PM GMT
    Ok, your 35 yo, probably haven't had a date with a woman in years, and probably haven't brought a "lady friend" around friends and family. You don't think they suspect something?

    How much longer are you going to keep your life on hold?

    All the best to you. Self acceptance is the hardest part. Once you acheive that you won't give two fucks what people think.
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    Dec 20, 2013 5:31 PM GMT
    Its interesting, a straight person never gets up one day, go to a family party and say 'folks, there is something I want to tell you, I'm, straight'.

    I would prefer to leave it at a case of, if they ask, I'll tell them, if somebody ask, are you seeing someone, I'll say no, but I would like to meet a nice guy I can settle down with.

    I know us gay men have a unique situation since we have been so oppressed and depressed for so long because of our sexuality, but I believe part progress too is not having to make the whole world know. It really doesn't have to be anybodies damn business either.
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    Dec 20, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    heropup saidYou don't have to come out to the whole wide world in order to deserve congratulations.

    The first and most difficult step of coming out is always your coming out to yourself. That's when you realize you are attracted to those of the same sex, and you start to think about building your future with that realization in mind. You think about falling in love with another guy; about him loving you back in a way that you have never truly had; you imagine sharing with him your most intimate feelings and desires. And you then realize that, in all the ways that matter, being gay is no different than being straight: that although straight people have never had to question their sexual orientation, we all have the same need to experience love.

    When you come out to yourself, you are acknowledging to yourself for the first time that this is who you really are, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about it. You accept yourself and the legitimacy of your feelings.

    Some guys come out to trusted friends so that they can have more support to accept themselves. Others may wait until they have come to terms with being gay before they open up to anyone else about it. How you go about your coming out process should be your decision.

    One final word of advice: coming out to others doesn't always mean being completely open to everyone and anyone. Start with the people in your life who you sense would be the most supportive and accepting, and then work your way toward the more difficult cases. Understand that there may be some people (who you may care very deeply for) that will never come around and accept your sexuality, but that does not mean you need to live your life in a way that protects them from the reality that you are gay. Your life is your own. You deserve to have happiness as much as anyone else. It is not your responsibility to keep others happy by denying yourself.

    Yep, worth reposting. Great advice and comment. Pretty much covers what all guys need to think about when accepting themselves and who they are before coming out. Nicely put.
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    Dec 20, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    PaulDee saidIts interesting, a straight person never gets up one day, go to a family party and say 'folks, there is something I want to tell you, I'm, straight'.

    I would prefer to leave it at a case of, if they ask, I'll tell them, if somebody ask, are you seeing someone, I'll say no, but I would like to meet a nice guy I can settle down with.

    I know us gay men have a unique situation since we have been so oppressed and depressed for so long because of our sexuality, but I believe part progress too is not having to make the whole world know. It really doesn't have to be anybodies damn business either.


    Agreed. However the OP's issue is self-acceptance. He needs to be able to come to terms with his sexual orientation before he "comes out" to anyone. If he even chooses to.
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    Dec 20, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    PaulDee saidIts interesting, a straight person never gets up one day, go to a family party and say 'folks, there is something I want to tell you, I'm, straight'.

    I would prefer to leave it at a case of, if they ask, I'll tell them, if somebody ask, are you seeing someone, I'll say no, but I would like to meet a nice guy I can settle down with.

    I know us gay men have a unique situation since we have been so oppressed and depressed for so long because of our sexuality, but I believe part progress too is not having to make the whole world know. It really doesn't have to be anybodies damn business either.


    Agreed. However the OP's issue is self-acceptance. He needs to be able to come to terms with his sexual orientation before he "comes out" to anyone. If he even chooses to.


    If your eyes and penis get excited at the sight of men, I would call that self-acceptance already. lol!
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    Dec 20, 2013 10:05 PM GMT
    PaulDee said
    If your eyes and penis get excited at the sight of men, I would call that self-acceptance already. lol!


    Former Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig.
    Former Representative Mark "Pageboy" Foley.
    Former Representative Ed Schrock.
    Evangelical pastor Ted Haggard.
    Family Research Council quack George Alan Rekers.

    Oh, and about half of the male Catholic clergy.

    These are just some of the more notable examples of deep-seated internalized homophobia I could think of off the top of my head. This is what happens to people when they walk the path of self-denial--the heart desiccates...shrivels up until there is nothing left but a miserable shadow of a human being. That doesn't mean such people cease having sexual desires, or do not act upon those desires.

    And these cases are only the ones you hear about because of the public role of these people. You would be surprised to know just how many gay men are self-loathing yet go trawling for sex online--including on this site.

    My point is that if we are to be truly whole, we must let go of such corrosive, noxious thinking; these psychological scars that our families, friends, community, and society inflict upon us. We must stop the self-flagellation and learn to stand tall; to make no apologies for who we are.

    Anyone can lurk around in the shadows and drown their suffering in the seedy darkness of furtive sexual encounters. But it takes a real man to have the courage, confidence, and self-acceptance to be out and be unafraid of love--both the love of oneself and the love for another man.
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    Dec 20, 2013 11:12 PM GMT
    heropup saidAnyone can lurk around in the shadows and drown their suffering in the seedy darkness of furtive sexual encounters. But it takes a real man to have the courage, confidence, and self-acceptance to be out and be unafraid of love--both the love of oneself and the love for another man.

    OMG, I love this…I might want to steal this, hope that's OK….nicely put!
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    So ive told my mom im bi to kinda soften the blow. She cried for days and said why cant i ever have a normal family . Shes like well at least theres the hope of me finding a woman and having kids. Newsflash i dont want kids even if i was straight so you are out of luck. I am bi but i only like women 10 percent so i consider myself gay. I am currently living at home because saving to move. I can never let my family know. I feel like saying fuck off to them but I cant . They have given me so much . What do I do?
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:35 PM GMT
    Tell your mom it could be worse. My parents gave birth to three sons and every last one is gay. One is closeted but it's the worst kept secret in the history of the world. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:39 PM GMT
    PaulDee said
    UndercoverMan said
    PaulDee saidIts interesting, a straight person never gets up one day, go to a family party and say 'folks, there is something I want to tell you, I'm, straight'.

    I would prefer to leave it at a case of, if they ask, I'll tell them, if somebody ask, are you seeing someone, I'll say no, but I would like to meet a nice guy I can settle down with.

    I know us gay men have a unique situation since we have been so oppressed and depressed for so long because of our sexuality, but I believe part progress too is not having to make the whole world know. It really doesn't have to be anybodies damn business either.


    Agreed. However the OP's issue is self-acceptance. He needs to be able to come to terms with his sexual orientation before he "comes out" to anyone. If he even chooses to.


    If your eyes and penis get excited at the sight of men, I would call that self-acceptance already. lol!


    Pithy but woefully wrong. My penis got excited at the sight of my wife for 22 years and never did I accept I was straight. I knew I was acting a role I was forced into by family, society, religion.
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Every single one of my cousins have been in jail, gone through messy divorces and abuse, abused alcohol and drugs. I havent done any of that . As far as i am concerned she did get the normal one of the bunch.I am an only child so i know its tough on her. I think in my situation until ive moved out and have more going for me it will just be my business. I really dont need to tell a soul. Ive been miserable for 30 yrs and this is part of the reason why. I made myself feel better by accepting it and i am happy with it. It feels good. Why is it treated like a disease or something. This is freaking ridiculous. Whats a disease is depression and thats where I was when i was trying to be something im not.
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:47 PM GMT
    I think you take it one step at a time - at the pace that works best for you.

    You'll get there.
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    Dec 21, 2013 4:59 PM GMT
    mike34 saidEvery single one of my cousins have been in jail, gone through messy divorces and abuse, abused alcohol and drugs. I havent done any of that . As far as i am concerned she did get the normal one of the bunch.I am an only child so i know its tough on her. I think in my situation until ive moved out and have more going for me it will just be my business. I really dont need to tell a soul. Ive been miserable for 30 yrs and this is part of the reason why. I made myself feel better by accepting it and i am happy with it. It feels good. Why is it treated like a disease or something. This is freaking ridiculous. Whats a disease is depression and thats where I was when i was trying to be something im not.

    Congratulations on recognizing and overcoming what was making you depressed, that's a major accomplishment. Give yourself time to accept and understand yourself. Give yourself time to build confidence, understanding and self strength. Rome was not built in a day, it took you 30 years to get to where you are now and with many ups and downs, don't expect your world to change over night.

    You're on the path of acceptance, your mom needs time to absorb what you've shared and eventually, it will all come together. Don't rush it. You're moving forward, that's an accomplishment! Congrats Mike!
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    Dec 22, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    mike34 saidSo ive told my mom im bi to kinda soften the blow. She cried for days and said why cant i ever have a normal family . Shes like well at least theres the hope of me finding a woman and having kids. Newsflash i dont want kids even if i was straight so you are out of luck. I am bi but i only like women 10 percent so i consider myself gay. I am currently living at home because saving to move. I can never let my family know. I feel like saying fuck off to them but I cant . They have given me so much . What do I do?

    Hahah. Bi is the first step to total gayness. Now, just gather them around and admit, "family, friends, like unicorns, there is no such thing as BI, I'm gay."
    Plus, I did not check your profile, but at 35 you are wasting a lot of time pretending to be something you are not. Every day you are some closet case, you will wonder what took so long. Stop worrying about how others handle your sexuality, it's not really their issue. If you need to tell them, tell them and be done with it. Let them deal, drop some PFlag stuff on the table and go for a walk or a vacation or whatever. Jesus, your 35 not 15. Grow up.
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    Dec 22, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    mike34 saidI think I have entered the next stage of accepting i am gay. Every once in a while i will be with my family and i would think to myself , man i really want to tell one of these people im gay. Also going through facebook and thinking what would happen if i changed my facebook prefrences status to men. Every once in a while thinking about being married to a great guy too. A few yrs before I would have been very depressed and fought it tooth and nail but now when i think about that i am happy. Am I almost to the place where I will be 100 percent comfortable with telling who I want? icon_cool.gif


    Yes you are pretty much there... Told my Mom after 6 years of being out, only because I didn't feel it mattered at all. It actually isn't important, and nothing to hide, just sexuality. Straight people don't go to their parents/people in general and come out as straight.

    So, good for you, Mike. Would be nice if many others could progress as much. Merry Xmas!!
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    Dec 22, 2013 4:55 PM GMT
    RPM28 said
    mike34 saidI think I have entered the next stage of accepting i am gay. Every once in a while i will be with my family and i would think to myself , man i really want to tell one of these people im gay. Also going through facebook and thinking what would happen if i changed my facebook prefrences status to men. Every once in a while thinking about being married to a great guy too. A few yrs before I would have been very depressed and fought it tooth and nail but now when i think about that i am happy. Am I almost to the place where I will be 100 percent comfortable with telling who I want? icon_cool.gif


    Yes you are pretty much there... Told my Mom after 6 years of being out, only because I didn't feel it mattered at all. It actually isn't important, and nothing to hide, just sexuality. Straight people don't go to their parents/people in general and come out as straight.

    So, good for you, Mike. Would be nice if many others could progress as much. Merry Xmas!!


    I think that is very good advice. You are correct straight people dont make it an issue to tell people they just do what makes them happy. I think i should do what makes me happy too. Its looked at beyond the norm because its treated that way. Maybe if we as gay men dont make it such a main event to come out and just make it part of who we are maybe others wont think its such a shock. I never thought about it like that and merry christmas to you to man.