WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2008 8:59 PM GMT
    I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago and I really like his style, but last night was the most intense our conversation has gotten. He made me think a lot about myself in ways that I haven't thought of before. For respect of his privacy I'll call him "Ethan".

    For example, he points out that I'm uptight and need to loosen up for the sake of myself. He says that as intelligent and as open-minded I' am I still come off a closed book. This one takes the cake, he says that I come him of a selfish lover, you know the kind of guy that only is concern about how I feel during sex.

    He says that want to bring me out of my shell, make me feel more confident, and except myself for who I' am and to fuck anyone else who doesn't approve of the kind of person that I'm destined to become. He's getting in mind and deconstructing what I have already believed about myself or in Ethan's case, deconstructing what I think I know about myself.

    He's pushing buttons that I didn't think existed and when we had this conversation it was hard for me to counter with anything because I speechless. Ethan says that he's the kind of guy that I've been waiting for and the fact the he's a "cocky little bastard" only turns me on more, this scares me because he might just be right.

    WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

    I could really use some help on this one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    hes the kind of guy that hit the nail on the head and its irritating you in ways you don't understand and you like it icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    LILtanker hit it on the head man.

    Listen the truth hurts sometimes and the fact is that he threw a curveball at you. Maybe you should take a look at yourself. Learn from every experience and grow. Otherwise, you'll never live up to your full potential.

    There really is no question of who the hell is this guy, just take him for what he is - right.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 10, 2008 11:52 PM GMT
    A number of questions come to mind. I think you need to ask yourself what motivation he has for pushing your buttons. I'd like someone to challenge me, but I'd also look at his actions and ask if there's more to it -- does he enjoy manipulating people? Yes, maybe the buttons he's pushing are the kind of buttons you want -- or need -- pushed. No one is perfect. But, what are his reasons for changing you? Is he capable of accepting who you are if you're happy with who you are? Are you okay with a relationship where his pushing buttons is an ongoing thing? I can't imagine him suddenly saying, "Okay, you're done, no need to push anymore buttons." Do you? If that's okay with you, then fine. But I'd get annoyed after a certain point. And the "cocky little bastard" thing can wear thin pretty fast.

    What is he working on? What are his imperfections? What is he trying to improve about himself?

    For me, I could see dating someone like that for a short-term, but I think the dynamic isn't healthy for a long-term relationship. It sounds like he likes a certain amount of control, and I'm not sure it's a healthy kind of control. He sounds manipulative, whether he hits the nail on the head or not.

    Just my two cents.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 12:23 AM GMT
    What do you need help with? The guy sounds very controlling . Apparently that's what you want.
    I don't get it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    This guy is a "teacher" and has singled you out as someone that is fence sitting. That is you are at a critical point in your evolution where who can go one way or the other. There are actually bigger issues than being a democrate or republican. The time has come to "bring in the harvest". It you haven't read Echard Tolle I bet your friend has.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 12:36 AM GMT
    From the way you describe it and having no knowledge of your prior relationship, Ethan sounds like a manipulative sociopath to me. If anyone attempted to have this type of conversation with me, I would stop corresponding plain and simple. If you go into things further with this guy you're in for an emotionally abusive relationship at best in my opinion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 12:38 AM GMT
    EricLA makes a valid point. He is spending his time and energy talking about you and your potential improvements, but not about where he is at and where he wants to grow. It's one thing to point out the faults of others, it is quite another to be accepting of each other just as you are and celebrate who you will become.

    A great quote comes to mind.

    “If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” -Aboriginal Activists Group

    Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 12:45 AM GMT
    I read this 3 times and still can't figure this guy out. Maybe HE needs to work on a few things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 1:18 AM GMT
    I really have no idea from your description whether this guy is good for you or not but I do admire your willingness to listen to some challenging feedback without getting defensive, and to consider whether you need to make some personal changes. Good luck....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 2:48 AM GMT
    I kinda like this guy that you're talking about. I like that he actually want you to improve as a person. I think as long as you keep an open hear to what he has to say, he'll be around for a long time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 2:51 AM GMT
    mike64 saidI read this 3 times and still can't figure this guy out. Maybe HE needs to work on a few things.


    I have to echo this statement. We don't know ANYTHING about you, and by the poor syntax in parts of your post, it's even harder to perfectly understand you. Not trying to be snide here, just saying you need to write this a bit more clearly. We also don't know you very well, as you haven't put up a lot of posts or done a lot of interaction with the "regulars" here, so we don't really have a solid handle on your personality.

    To be direct about it, we're only getting your side of this story. How do we know he really said anything of the kind? How do we know that you aren't, instead, filtering and interpreting what he said through your own set of personal submodalities, and restructuring it to sound as though he has put you on the defensive?

    I certainly applaud you for having the willingness to look into yourself, something many people are too afraid to do, and no disrespect to the other people answering your post, but really, there's no way we can possibly analyse this situation for you with any real degree of effacacy since we haven't heard anything from the other person involved.

    You ask us, WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY, but I have to ask, in short, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? We really don't know you well enough yet to offer any real advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 2:57 AM GMT
    run home, lock the door behind you, get on your knees, wipe your palms, remove your glasses and and take a good look at the reflection in the lens. thats the guy. sometimes his drinking gets a lil outta control, but he is harmess for the most part.
    icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 3:20 AM GMT
    He sounds like an asshole.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 3:29 AM GMT
    First and foremost I want to thank everyone that has posted a comment. As far as myself goes a lot of people on RJ may not know personally so I'll indulge you a bit.

    First, I'd like to introduce myself my name is Jamel. I'm twenty-one years old and am struggling and/or in denial about my sexual orientation. The former may be ludicrous for the simple fact that I'm using a website whose tagline is Gay Fitness Health & Life and the fact that I've been involved with guys. I'm sometimes shy and not really a "go with the flow" type of guy.

    "Ethan" sees this and feels that if I were to be more accepting about my own sexual orientation and not be so uptight about what others think of me I'd actually feel more comfortable in my own skin. The ironic thing is that I feel that he is right, but if I'm going to change its going to be on my own terms and in my own sweet time, after all life is suppose to be about the journey, right?

    I do feel that it can be healthy for others to challenge people in new and interesting ways. I'm young and still not sure about my own self, but he's older and is already in a place where he is comfortable with himself. I don't know if I could challenge someone with more experience than myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 3:29 AM GMT
    I would wonder what is ultimate goal in helping you is. I have had two friends up to this point in my life who seemed to know exactly what was best for me, and why what I was doing with my life was just plain wrong.

    Neither of these people are my friends anymore, and I pity the poor sap that they 'take under their wing' next.

    You are your own person. Take a long hard look at the things Ethan is saying about you. I think that many people are aware on some conscious level of their strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and faults. See if anyone else sees what Ethan sees; look at his criticisms with a critical eye. If things don't line up, then I say get the hell out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 3:34 AM GMT
    tryingtolive saidI started talking to this guy a few weeks ago and I really like his style, but last night was the most intense our conversation has gotten. He made me think a lot about myself in ways that I haven't thought of before. For respect of his privacy I'll call him "Ethan".

    For example, he points out that I'm uptight and need to loosen up for the sake of myself. He says that as intelligent and as open-minded I' am I still come off a closed book. This one takes the cake, he says that I come him of a selfish lover, you know the kind of guy that only is concern about how I feel during sex.

    He says that want to bring me out of my shell, make me feel more confident, and except myself for who I' am and to fuck anyone else who doesn't approve of the kind of person that I'm destined to become. He's getting in mind and deconstructing what I have already believed about myself or in Ethan's case, deconstructing what I think I know about myself.

    He's pushing buttons that I didn't think existed and when we had this conversation it was hard for me to counter with anything because I speechless. Ethan says that he's the kind of guy that I've been waiting for and the fact the he's a "cocky little bastard" only turns me on more, this scares me because he might just be right.

    WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

    I could really use some help on this one.


    Oh wow, this could be tricky. In some respect, he is probably right. I just worry he's trying to convince you into doing something you don't want to do and calling it "closed-minded." Personally, the guys that have talked to me this way ended up running me through the mud. If I were you, I'd say goodbye. I certainly believe in self-confidence, openness, and an open mind; but, I think he's playing a mind game. I mean, how the hell would someone know if you're a selfish lover with only a conversation? Among the many questions I have, a good relationship never includes a list of what needs to change and how a guy can fix you. MY BELIEF: BAD NEWS!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    surfsdown saidI would wonder what is ultimate goal in helping you is. I have had two friends up to this point in my life who seemed to know exactly what was best for me, and why what I was doing with my life was just plain wrong.

    Neither of these people are my friends anymore, and I pity the poor sap that they 'take under their wing' next.

    You are your own person. Take a long hard look at the things Ethan is saying about you. I think that many people are aware on some conscious level of their strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and faults. See if anyone else sees what Ethan sees; look at his criticisms with a critical eye. If things don't line up, then I say get the hell out.
    Thanks surfsdown, I will. Actually a few friends of mine that have seen some of the things in me that Ethan for example I have been told I should go with the flow a little more and loosen up, but that's not enough to convince me to change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 5:07 AM GMT
    tryingtolive said I'm twenty-one years old and am struggling and/or in denial about my sexual orientation. The former may be ludicrous for the simple fact that I'm using a website whose tagline is Gay Fitness Health & Life and the fact that I've been involved with guys. I'm sometimes shy and not really a "go with the flow" type of guy.


    Jamel (You have a pretty name and a lovely face, by the way) maybe "the flow" you're trying to go with feels too restrictive. For many years I cosidered myself Bi, with no apologies. Although my primary emotional orientation is Gay, I still love sex with girls, too, and see nothing wrong with that.
    Maybe this Ethan is tryng to force you into a mold that HE wants you to be in for HIS OWN COMFORT. He could actually be more insecure than you, and in trying to force you to be Gay, he is actually trying to "remove his own demon, his own inner shadow."

    Be who YOU are, and don't ever feel the need to apologize or conform. You're questioning your sexuality, and there's nothing wrong with that, as nothing is written in stone. You might like both women and men, and if so, OWN that, don't let anyone force you into something that's not right for you.

    I'd like, if I may, to recommend a film for you to see that may offer some insights into the way people think of themselves, and as a result how they present themselves and how they treat each other. It's an older film now, and will seem dated, and to some will seem downright silly and preachy, but when I was about 16, and dealing with my sexuality, this film was a spiritual watershed, and helped me to learn more about my own inner spirit and those around me.
    It's called THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK.

    Pick up the widescreen version on DVD. If you want to spend a little more money and get the whole 4-film set, go to www.billyjack.com
    they'll have it for sale there. It really is worth it, plus just simply being a beautifully-made film.

    I hope you can find peace.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2008 7:29 PM GMT
    He may have some valid points, it is really hard to say from reading an internet post, but the fact that is giving you so much criticism after only a few weeks speaks more about him than you. I would give him the old heave ho to be honest. He has a lot of nerve setting himself up as a combination of Sigmund Freud, Dr. Phil and the messiah.

    But I would also remember what he said and mull them over. Some of them might be show stoppers for other men in the future.
  • PRDGUY

    Posts: 641

    Dec 11, 2008 8:06 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidhes the kind of guy that hit the nail on the head and its irritating you in ways you don't understand and you like it icon_smile.gif


    not else much 2 say as lil was rite on target but to remind us that certain people come in2 our lives and becum extremely close fast. THEY TAKE THE TIME TO LISTEN AND HEAR U, THUS THE INTENSE CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 11, 2008 8:37 PM GMT
    tryingtolive saidFirst and foremost I want to thank everyone that has posted a comment. As far as myself goes a lot of people on RJ may not know personally so I'll indulge you a bit.

    First, I'd like to introduce myself my name is Jamel. I'm twenty-one years old and am struggling and/or in denial about my sexual orientation. The former may be ludicrous for the simple fact that I'm using a website whose tagline is Gay Fitness Health & Life and the fact that I've been involved with guys. I'm sometimes shy and not really a "go with the flow" type of guy.

    "Ethan" sees this and feels that if I were to be more accepting about my own sexual orientation and not be so uptight about what others think of me I'd actually feel more comfortable in my own skin. The ironic thing is that I feel that he is right, but if I'm going to change its going to be on my own terms and in my own sweet time, after all life is suppose to be about the journey, right?

    I do feel that it can be healthy for others to challenge people in new and interesting ways. I'm young and still not sure about my own self, but he's older and is already in a place where he is comfortable with himself. I don't know if I could challenge someone with more experience than myself.


    Jamel, I figured this was the place you were at in life. And I totally understand. And it might be helpful to have a mentor to help guide you through some of this, but everyone's journey is different. And from what you have shared, this guy seems very presumptuous that he professes to know you so well. I'd be a bit cautious. It's okay to have some input, but you have to lead your own life. Coming out can be a scary process. Once you're out, you probably will wonder why you didn't come out sooner. But, you have to get there on your own. Being pushed out is rarely the right way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2008 4:41 AM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle said
    lilTanker saidhes the kind of guy that hit the nail on the head and its irritating you in ways you don't understand and you like it icon_smile.gif


    LOL...evil laugh here.


    I just love responses from LilTanker.....

    He named himself appropriately. He may be little but he will "tank" any bullshit and get right down to the niddy griddy! icon_smile.gif

    BRAVO!
    That's good for LilTanker, but what's your input on this topic if you don't mind my asking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2008 5:15 AM GMT
    He may have some good points about your personality, but I don't know you very well so I can't say anything in that regard. But his comment about being a "cocky little bastard" and how that turns you on, would irritate me if I were in your position. I can't stand arrogance especially the kind that tries to convince you that you like it but you don't know it.

    Take what he says with a grain of salt.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 14, 2008 3:35 PM GMT
    Be careful of this one ....

    This is a controller of vast proportions
    and the sad thing is that he's doing it even Now

    The thing isn't that he might know some things that are true about you
    anyone can pick up on things like that
    ...It's how he USES that information and for what purpose that is the problem

    He might intrigue you .. yes
    but so does a house on fire or a train wreck doesn't mean that you wanna be in either of them