I have seen evidence that my Boyfriend is not over his EX, how concerning is this?

  • azrairc

    Posts: 1

    Dec 25, 2013 7:30 AM GMT
    I could write ten paragraphs on the subject, but I will try to cut it down to important details.

    Length of relationship: 3 months, we messed around for about 2 months before dating seriously.

    Details on my boyfriend and relationship
    : He does seem to love me (or is a great actor) he is very protective of me and hates to see me upset. I have even successfully turned him into a bottom (he was a twink in strong denial) he tells me he has never bottomed other than a few times with others and it took long time and lots of persistence to get him to try it with me.

    Non-Concerns
    -He never mentions his ex except once or twice when it was on subject
    -He does seem like he legitimately loves me in our relationship which dampens my suspicions
    -They broke up over a year ago

    Concerns
    What I do know about his ex (I knew my boyfriend through Facebook before we dated.. i.e. the info on his ex)
    -it was his first love and they dated for 3 years
    -I have no idea about why they broke up but I suspected my boyfriend may of cheated on him as he has told me about guys he slept with in the same period as he said he was in the relationship although I have no proof.
    -His ex has moved on awhile back

    #1 He seems to have a boner for the town his ex lives in, he speaks about it highly but he does have a lot of friends there still as he once lived there, but it does cause a level of concern. I believe he may have the fantasy of running into his ex with a new boyfriend (haven't we all at some point)

    #2 I've noticed he was still friends with his ex when we were F-buddy's and he(my BF) deleted his ex at that time. My boyfriend then re-added his ex again before we officially dated I think. One day about a month into our relationship my BF made a status about going with me to the hospital and his ex commented "What happened?" the next day the status was deleted and his ex was removed from his friendlist (this could be a positive I guess).

    #3 One day about month 1/2 in our relationship, we were drinking and this is when he first started bottoming. I told him I couldn't believe all his past relationships were with people who were bottoms to him and I said something to the affect of "your ex must of been your bitch" to which he responded "my ex wasn't a bitch, he didn't take shit from anybody and it still bothers me to this day". granted, it's generally not a good idea to mention exes, but this rubbed me the wrong way.

    #3 He always listens to songs about past lovers and stuff like not being over somebody. I hate it, it just makes me think he's thinking about someone, not me. I asked him about it when we were just F-buddies and he said he was over his ex and just thought about it sometimes. This is probably the most persistent thing that happens and that bothers me the most. I can see him sing these songs with a passion. The other day he showed me a video of this rapper who sounded terrible but my BF thought he was great. The guy was rapping about a relationship ending and wishing things could of been different.. blah blah blah shit like that. And my boyfriend mentioned how it gave him chills.

    #4 While I'm not sure he cheated on his ex, and he has gave me absolutely no reason/evidence that he might be cheating on me; He did tell me about how he use to sleep with his BESTFRIEND's (best friend who happens to be a girl) boyfriend all the time and to this day she does not know. This is just scary as it is such a devious thing to do to a best friend.. why should I believe it wouldn't happen to me? This was apparently years ago but I suspect this may of been the cause of his breakup with his ex (pure speculation on my part)

    In conclusion, I have really understated the part of how our relationship is going well and I do believe he loves/cares for me a lot. However, there is no doubt in my mind that he has a significant amount of unresolved feelings for his ex. I'd really appreciate the insight and opinions on what actions should I/can I take? Is this a big deal? Should I confront him? etc etc. Thanks in advance.icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 25, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    Not being rude.. but
    ..Three months is relatively a short time to sum all this up.
    He's been with you three months.. and was with his ex for thirty six months..
    I'm almost sure there would be unresolved feelings.

    ..The truth here is..
    ..There is not much you can do but be a loving, loyal boyfriend... or you could present your concerns.

    And for the love of porn..Please stop turning tops into bottoms.. icon_confused.gificon_razz.gif

    I hope it works out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 25, 2013 4:51 PM GMT
    It is difficult to move on, and it takes time. It is like a grieving process that most of us go through. It does not mean that he cannot be with you during this time.

    Help him to move on and do not mention his ex if you can. Because guess what, the majority of us cannot control our emotions.

    I am sure that if he decided to date you, he thinks he already moved on. Isn't it great?

    Be compassionate, be happy
  • What_May

    Posts: 20

    Dec 25, 2013 8:49 PM GMT
    Honesty is the best policy... with that in mind, answer yourself an honest question: why are you dwelling on little to nothing to go on? And yes, you are perseverating on his ex.

    You need to focus on what makes you so insecure about his ex and move on. And if you can't be nonjudgmental and jump to conclusions when the subject matter is brought up, you should avoid bringing his ex up.

    In order to be secure in your relationship, you need to be secure in the fact that the other person has a past.

    Good luck OP.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 25, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    Okajuurou saidIt is difficult to move on, and it takes time. It is like a grieving process that most of us go through. It does not mean that he cannot be with you during this time.

    Help him to move on and do not mention his ex if you can. Because guess what, the majority of us cannot control our emotions.

    I am sure that if he decided to date you, he thinks he already moved on. Isn't it great?

    Be compassionate, be happy


    ^^^^
    I respectfully disagree with about 80% your post.

    People need time to heal between relationships.
    Azrairc is not responsible for his boyfriend's unfinished emotional baggage.

    ..A man should do everything he possibly can to clean up.. and stabilize his emotional health before getting involved with someone else..

    It would be sad and unfortunate if Azrairc turned out to be an emotional crutch ..or just a rebound guy.

    This "Setup" is not fair.. There are three people in this relationship, a difficult start but has to be worked out cleverly.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 26, 2013 1:03 AM GMT
    Anocxu said
    Okajuurou saidIt is difficult to move on, and it takes time. It is like a grieving process that most of us go through. It does not mean that he cannot be with you during this time.

    Help him to move on and do not mention his ex if you can. Because guess what, the majority of us cannot control our emotions.

    I am sure that if he decided to date you, he thinks he already moved on. Isn't it great?

    Be compassionate, be happy


    ^^^^
    I respectfully disagree with about 80% your post.

    People need time to heal between relationships.
    Azrairc is not responsible for his boyfriend's unfinished emotional baggage.

    ..A man should do everything he possibly can to clean up.. and stabilize his emotional health before getting involved with someone else..

    It would be sad and unfortunate if Azrairc turned out to be an emotional crutch ..or just a rebound guy.

    This "Setup" is not fair.. There are three people in this relationship, a difficult start but has to be worked out cleverly.






    True.
    I agree with you 100%.

    I hope though that Azrairc's bf is over his ex, and was not forced into relationship.