The randomness of loss

  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 11, 2008 3:04 AM GMT


    Can I get a hug?


    My day job is as a graduate student, working on my Ph.D. in Biochemistry.

    Everything was lining up. We published a paper last week. One of my lab mates, Mel, graduated yesterday. The lab was looking good. Then…

    My lab mate, my friend, Jen… was in a car accident last night. They hydroplaned and crashed off the highway into the trees. She got trapped in the car and was pronounced dead on the scene. Her husband is in the ICU here, he’ll be under observation for another day before being moved to a normal bed for a week. Then… he goes home to heal physically and start putting together the pieces of his brand new, shattered family.

    She was going to have a son, Max, on her favorite musician, Bon Jovi’s birthday. She published her first scientific paper last week.

    They say things happen for a reason… but right now, I don’t want to think there’s a reason for removing this wonderful, talented, vital person from the world. I don’t want to think there’s a reason that the world shouldn’t be made better by her presence, and her mind. Somehow, thinking that this was truly random, helps right now.

    This is, I suppose, why you always want to make sure the ones you love, know it.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 11, 2008 3:22 AM GMT
    I can say, at least, that I have a lot of good friends and support.

    But I still keep expecting to wake up.
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    Dec 11, 2008 3:37 AM GMT
    Mate, thats just shit that the world has lost someone who sounds so wonderful.
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    Dec 11, 2008 3:42 AM GMT
    HUGS!!!

    Its tough to lose some one in such a tragic manner. I hope that you and your friends can get back to feeling better about life soon.
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    Dec 11, 2008 3:58 AM GMT
    Wow. yes HUGS!! I am sorry to hear that. Just Monday a fighter jet crashed into a house here in San Diego killing 4 people. These sudden accidental deaths can be riveting. Of course the more a part of your life these people are the more impact it can have on you.

    Your mind will now start doing things to adjust to the new reality. For many, memories surface and we review our life with the person as if we are rushing to pick up scattered precious stones and stash them away protectively in our hearts because that is what we have left of that person. It is the nature of loss that you responding by saving what you can from that loss.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:01 AM GMT
    dear diver,

    words are sometimes useless in these situations, especially when there doesn't seem to be any reason or hope. perhaps a soothing picture will speak more to the peace i wish for you:

    sunsetb.jpg
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:02 AM GMT
    DiverScience said

    This is, I suppose, why you always want to make sure the ones you love, know it.


    Truer words were never spoken. ...as for the hug? You got it, my man. Take care.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:06 AM GMT
    *HUGS*

    Funny, coz I was wondering about the exact same thing Just last night, a good friend of my younger sister and the younger brother of one of my batchmates and good friends, died unexpectedly of a motorcycle crash.

    I've known that kid when he was a toddler. I met him again when my sis brings him around with her friends sometimes, all grown up. They were bandmates (my sis plays guitars). Unassuming (considering that he came from a rich family) and happy all the time (he has those curved chinese eyes that makes it seem like he's always smiling, which he almost always was anyway).

    My sister doesn't seem to be mourning, and I'm kinda worried about that. They were pretty close.

    And dammit...

    He was only around 14 or 15.

    The circumstances of the death of your friend remind me of a song. Better Than Ezra's A Lifetime. Beautiful song. Maybe it can help:



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    Dec 11, 2008 4:06 AM GMT
    My condolences, Diver. I've always liked you immensely; I'd give you a big huge hug if I could. Hang in there.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 11, 2008 4:09 AM GMT
    Thanks guys.

    It means a lot to know people care.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:13 AM GMT
    HUGS

    Very sad news. I just mentioned in another thread that life isn't guaranteed happiness or health so when people hear bad news they think their world is over - yet here you have someone young intelligent and vibrant who's world has come to an early end.

    There may be no justice in it for her, but maybe some of the good ones are taken young just to remind us to make the best of it all and to appreciate what health and happiness we do have.

    Or if there's no 'purpose' behind it - then at least we can honor the person lost by appreciating what we still have more.


  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 11, 2008 4:18 AM GMT
    The world was, at least, made better by her presence in it, however too brief it was.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:35 AM GMT
    Diver -- you have my sincere condolences, as well as a great big hug. Grad school is tough as it is, and I can't imagine what you're going through. The people you go through grad school with are an extended family, especially if you're in the same group or lab. It's punctuated by all the great things that had been happening ... I'm really sorry man. Honor her memory.
  • reliable1

    Posts: 65

    Dec 11, 2008 4:36 AM GMT
    Hugs. Sorry about the loss of your friend.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:41 AM GMT
    Sorry Diver.
    I had written a post after my Dad died and maybe you will feel something similar..
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/224348/

    Wether you believe in the meaning of life or a God or whatever...I hope every life, however short, has a purpose. Honoring what other people teach you and make you takes away some of the "randomness" of existence .

    I am sorry your in pain, I would give you the biggest hug I could muster if I could.
    jeffrey


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    Dec 11, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    *hugs*


    I'm sorry this had to happen. I hope you'll be alright.... i know this isn't easy at all
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    I am truly sorry to hear of your loss, you certainly have a hug from me.

    I unfortunately understand what you're probably going through so even as a total stranger, if you ever need to talk with someone who can identify with you, I'm here and I'm sure a lot of others here will support you through this as well. It's just _____ when someone so good is taken so early. Too many words can fit into that blank; none of them are good. icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    I am sorry to hear. Words, in these moments, are meaningless. My heart goes out to you.
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    Dec 11, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    DiverScience said

    ....

    This is, I suppose, why you always want to make sure the ones you love, know it.


    I do believe that there is a reason for everything...and that life doesn't end at death. But, no matter what anyone's belief, I think you hit it right on the head with your last statement. I'm so sorry to hear about your, and others', loss!!! BIG HUG from me!!!

  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Dec 11, 2008 5:12 AM GMT
    Sincerest condolences, Diver.

    Sudden losses and tragedy are life-altering moments. It's hard, if not impossible, to find understanding as to why bad things happen to good people. But on the painful path to reason with this tragedy, you will find those perfect things about your lost loved ones and use that to emulate in your life. By doing this, you keep a part of her and her memory alive.

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    Dec 11, 2008 5:36 AM GMT
    My condolences to you Diver, a very sad time for you.

    Cronks
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    Dec 11, 2008 5:38 AM GMT
    That's awful news; please accept my condolences.
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    Dec 11, 2008 5:52 AM GMT
    *hugs* icon_cry.gif i'm sorry to hear about your friend, diver. I lost one of my best friends this summer. hang in there.
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    Dec 11, 2008 6:00 AM GMT
    You, Jen and her husband will be in my prayers tonight.

    Big hugs from a fellow grad student in San Francisco.
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    Dec 11, 2008 6:11 AM GMT


    Hey DiverScience, yep, over here. (Huge hug from both of us). Here, (puts hankie into Diverscience's hand, rubs his shoulder)

    you're completely right when you say

    "They say things happen for a reason… but right now, I don’t want to think there’s a reason for removing this wonderful, talented, vital person from the world. I don’t want to think there’s a reason that the world shouldn’t be made better by her presence, and her mind. Somehow, thinking that this was truly random, helps right now."

    There was no reason for it. Like the bumper sticker says, "Shit happens" and that's it.
    My Uncle went down in a boating accident with my cousins. Boxing Day. It was a dark time. Your experience brings it all back, but now I feel a peculiar strength that I wish to give you.

    Thank you!

    -Doug of meninlove