No PDA

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    So I've been seeing this guy.. After my last relationship I was such a mess that I'm glad to see I made it through.

    This new guy is super conservative.. He comes from a very religious background and so we've been running into cultural differences.

    He won't do any PDA. None. I asked him for a kiss in the car on the way here and he wouldn't do it because there was a car at the light next to us. If he holds my hand anywhere and he suspects we're coming up on a place where there might be people, he let's go right away.

    He says he's ok with PDA so long as there are no people around... You'd think I'd be able to respect that, yeah? I don't think I can. In the back of my mind, that's convenient for him and also somewhat of a cop out I feel because if anything were to set us up to go our separate ways, he'd be in the clear to act as if nothing happened.. Is that cool? I'm probably being a little jaded and paranoid here but it makes me uneasy because at the same time, on Christmas, he was texting guys off grindr.. They weren't sexual texts and he'd met them before I came into the picture but says he considers them friends and that that the guys have boyfriends already..

    Riddle me pink but it's not my first time at the rodeo.. He's shown me signs that he's serious about me. He's serious in nature and part of it is him being a right ass but at the end of the day, he is human.

    I feel a little safe because I know he's such a tight ass about things and so if he was to ever do anything, I know he wouldn't be able to live w the guilt.. But everyone has a sexual side and a wild side and he keeps his under tight wraps. He's not comfortable w letting me look through his porn collection... Our sex is super strict and a little bland. I feel we don't go all out because he's got so many hangups about shit.. That's a major red flag because I've dated a few sex addicts in the past and I'm well aware that what I may not be aware of, is something I'd be best becoming aware of ASAP.

    What do u guys feel about PDA? Have u ever been in a situation like this?
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    Dec 28, 2013 6:36 PM GMT
    Would he go to a gay bar with you, and would he kiss you there? If not, what about a gay bar in a different town? You will probably have to take one step at a time.

    Lots of people will say it's a "deal breaker" but if you like him enough it isn't, and he will most likely gradually come around if you are patient.
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    Dec 28, 2013 6:57 PM GMT
    Ohno saidWould he go to a gay bar with you, and would he kiss you there? If not, what about a gay bar in a different town? You will probably have to take one step at a time.

    Lots of people will say it's a "deal breaker" but if you like him enough it isn't, and he will most likely gradually come around if you are patient.


    According to him, it doesn't matter if it's around gays or straights.. He says he just doesn't like it. Also says it has nothing to do with me.. Still, I did share about how it does affect how close I feel I can get to him.

    And in the back of my mind I still can't help but feel that it's convenient as fuck.. If I was and I think I have been in his shoes, it has been an excuse that I've used to not close any doors with someone else I might be interested in dating in case it didn't work out...
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 28, 2013 7:15 PM GMT
    Do you like him, yes, or no???
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    Ohno said
    Lots of people will say it's a "deal breaker" but if you like him enough it isn't, and he will most likely gradually come around if you are patient.

    ...Have u ever been in a situation like this?

    I dated a closeted guy for 2 years whom I thought would eventually come out. He never did. Despite the fact that many straight people assumed he was gay, because he did an inept job of hiding it. But he insisted to me that he had everyone fooled. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Try it for a while, see what happens. But some of these closet cases, including guys who can't fully accept their orientation, will never improve, never move past sticking a timid toe into the gay world. Meaning you'll rarely get a PDA out of him, anywhere.

    If that's not what you want to deal with, be prepared to cut him loose when you find him not moving past this stage.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Dec 28, 2013 7:26 PM GMT
    Why are there two "No PDA" threads
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:31 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidDo you like him, yes, or no???


    He's safe
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 28, 2013 7:38 PM GMT
    Jaggal said
    mick3y_muscle said
    HottJoe saidDo you like him, yes, or no???


    He's safe


    That's a no.

    Yup
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Ohno said
    Lots of people will say it's a "deal breaker" but if you like him enough it isn't, and he will most likely gradually come around if you are patient.

    I dated a closeted guy for 2 years whom I thought would eventually come out. He never did. Despite the fact that many straight people assumed he was gay, because he did an inept job of hiding it. But he insisted to me that he had everyone fooled. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Try it for a while, see what happens. But some of these closet cases, including guys who can't fully accept their orientation, will never improve, never move past sticking a timid toe into the gay world.

    If that's not what you want to deal with, be prepared to cut him loose when you find him not moving past this stage.


    Yup. This mirrors exactly where my mind is.. He's not comfortable in how own shoes. People know he's gay. His family does not. Feels like dating him in being in the closet.
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:47 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Jaggal said
    mick3y_muscle said
    HottJoe saidDo you like him, yes, or no???


    He's safe


    That's a no.

    Yup


    He has nice quilalities. He's stable. He's kind. He's sweet. He's got so many hang ups that make it a little hard to feel close to him at times and though I think he's safe, I've dated before and he's different.. I'm not losing my mind if I don't speak to him or see him.. Which is nice. After my last beak up, things were bad.. If he andi were to break up, I feel I'd be ok.

    Maybe it's a different kind of like? icon_neutral.gif
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:56 PM GMT
    mick3y_muscle said
    Yup. This mirrors exactly where my mind is.. He's not comfortable in how own shoes. People know he's gay. His family does not. Feels like dating him is being in the closet.

    Exactly what I experienced. And once I came out, after too long a delay due to self-ignorance, I came OUT, big time. They say the most fanatical are always the newly converted, the St. Paul syndrome. icon_redface.gif

    So that I didn't want any part of a closet. Not that I had ever technically been in a closet myself, because I just didn't know. I was that stupid & naive about myself. But once I did know, I'm not the kind of guy to play games about it.

    Nor should any of us be. As I said, give this guy some breathing space, see what happens. But do put some kind of termination point on it. Either he evolves & matures, or he doesn't. And I can guarantee you that you won't like the "doesn't" in the long run.
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    Dec 28, 2013 9:18 PM GMT
    If I were in love with a guy I could deal with him not wanting any PDA. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me; more important for me would being with him, having him as a partner.

    In your case it doesn't sound like you're in love with him; as Jane Austen would say, "He's amiable." If you could come to really love him would it still be a deal breaker?
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    Dec 29, 2013 5:32 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidIf I were in love with a guy I could deal with him not wanting any PDA. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me; more important for me would being with him, having him as a partner.

    In your case it doesn't sound like you're in love with him; as Jane Austen would say, "He's amiable." If you could come to really love him would it still be a deal breaker?


    "He's amiable" is right... My past experiences with dating weren't the heathiest.. This time I'm aware that it's gonna feel different and so I'm giving mysel a chance and I'm aware that it's gonna feel different than what I've experienced before since I'm breaking the patterns from before. He's so far shown signs of everything a long-term partner would show. He's dependable, he's caring, affectionate, funny, he's open, we can talk for hours, he's opening up more and more as we get to know each other better.. He's definitely shown interest in being a part of my life regardless and spends as much time with me as possible. We go out on dates, we eat, shower together, we can discuss spiritual ideologies, we can laugh and have a little banter.. If we've argued we've managed to find resolutions..

    I don't necessarily have that Prince Charming image floating in my mind to marry and so I've become a little more realistic, I feel...

    He fits the bill. He also shows me that he's in for the long haul.

    Maybe my idea of liking someone or love is evolving and I just don't know it yet.
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    Dec 29, 2013 5:34 PM GMT
    Personally that's a bit extreme for my taste. I can understand if you're in a very str8 crowd in the public to not want to do it.
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    Dec 29, 2013 8:10 PM GMT
    Literally speaking, public displays of affection are fine with me but public displays of sexual attraction are not. Only once I was going with a guy that refused any public displays of affection with him. I quickly caught on that he was a kept man and had a lot of people paying his way, telling them each that they were the one.
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    Dec 29, 2013 8:16 PM GMT
    I don't see no PDA as being a deal breaker. My boyfriend and I live in a very conservative area, and we choose not to hold hands in public or do anything that draws too much attention to ourselves (a hug or quick peck sometimes).

    I'm out to everyone who knows me, and definitely not afraid of being myself. However, I hate having attention drawn towards me and holding another dude's hand in my area would do just that. If I lived in a place where it was more acceptable I would feel a lot more comfortable - like when I was in Boys Town in Chicago. Everyone was gay there!
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    Dec 30, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    S34n05 saidPersonally that's a bit extreme for my taste. I can understand if you're in a very str8 crowd in the public to not want to do it.


    That's the thing... We live in a VERY gay area.
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    Dec 30, 2013 6:19 PM GMT
    I'm going to cut to the chase: DUMP HIM.
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    Dec 31, 2013 4:12 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI'm going to cut to the chase: DUMP HIM.


    Decisions, decisions...

    He invited me to go with him to a nye party and meet his friends.. I'm excited about new year and I would like it to be awesome and to spend it with him.. Thing is, I just now remembered the PDA thing..

    I'm assuming it'd be a lot like being at a party by myself with a bunch of people that I don't know. I make friends easy so I'm sure I'll be a hit. I don't know how much I'll enjoy myself given the fact that I'm assuming holding hands or even a midnight kiss would be out of the question.

    I'm not googoogaga over him.. Idk.. Wtf am I the only one here that is probably hyper conscious of anything that means "security"?

    He's stable.. Granted, he's a little standoffish as far as it goes with him getting involved and then there's also the PDA thing.. He seems reliable and dependable and we would make the best of friends. I just...want to have a partner. I want to feel supported. I want to have someone that I can rely on. He seems to have all those qualities that I look for in a partner that are super important to me.

    I've never felt that before.
    I never got that while I was growing up.
    I would like it now and in my future (would be great if I had it in the past) and I'm thinking that if I would like that in my future, it would be best that I lay the groundwork now.... I guess I'm just thinking out loud.

    I feel lucky. He's very kind to me and he treats me with so much respect.. I guess then that it leaves me definitely thinking that "we have to pick and choose our battles" (he loves that phrase).