Want to get married but...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2013 6:56 PM GMT
    The BF and I are wanting to get married. However, my mother lives with us.

    backstory on her: she had a hysterectormy years ago, and the surgery left her with a lot of scar tissue. so much that she's in chronic pain now from it. she's legally disabled. however, her income from social security (disability) and alimony (from the divorce after my father left her after her surgery), does not allow her to sufficiently live on her own. so, she lives with me. she's been living with me for a few years now. I am the only person on her side of the family that can financially and logistically support her.

    second backstory on her: when I came out, she did the whole "adam is supposed to be with eve, not with steve" and then told me that she'd never be happy for me. this was about 5 years ago now. (the current BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years).

    She's nice to us, she's civil and doesn't call us names. she even plays board games and watches movies with us. hell, she even watched RuPaul's drag show with the BF when I was deployed. but I know that deep down, she won't want to come to our wedding.

    so the big thing is -- we want to get married, but don't know how to live with someone like her who 1) will not celebrate our relationship; and 2) as a newly wed couple we want to have some time to ourselves, but cannot since she can't live on her own.

    what would you guys do in this situation?
  • JuneauMike

    Posts: 326

    Dec 28, 2013 7:34 PM GMT
    You and your other half have got to come first. Your mother will come around, but you can't put your life on hold forever while you wait for her. Invite her, include her in the planning, make sure she knows its important to both of you that she is there. But also make it known, gently but firmly, that your life and your lovers life is going to move forward.

    Let us know how this turns out.
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Dec 28, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    You, the bf and your mom are already living under one roof and married or not you know your mother doesn't approve so get married the only thing changing is that you're married which is what you want

    Unless you kick her out or put her in assisted living which don't appear to be options you are exploring do what you want with your life. You know she doesn't approve so what's the difference. You never know she may go to the wedding if you ask or don't ask her and that takes away the opportunity to reject
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    Dec 28, 2013 7:39 PM GMT
    I don't know the living situation, but can you possibly purchase a house that has a little apartment in it that would allow both of you to have some privacy? Then she would be close enough to take care of, but could you could still have your separate time.

    Then there could be some ground rules established. She is cordial because she knows she needs you to help take care of her. Maybe it will be more with time. However, it is OK for you to have a life of your own and move forward with it. I think you could explore some options.

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    Dec 28, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    How many men want the outlaw living with them. Just get on with living your lives together. It's worked for me for well over 20 years now.
  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Dec 28, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    do you know for sure she wont come to the wedding? talk to her and find out if after 5 years of you supporting her, she will still refuse to come to your wedding. If she doesn't want to come and support you, then maybe discuss with her that you can no longer support her.

    Are there any other family members at all who could possibly help out?
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    Dec 28, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    I agree with talking to her about it.

    I hope she realizes how fortunate she is to have a son like you.
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    Dec 28, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
    kiwi_nomad saiddo you know for sure she wont come to the wedding? talk to her and find out if after 5 years of you supporting her, she will still refuse to come to your wedding. If she doesn't want to come and support you, then maybe discuss with her that you can no longer support her.

    Are there any other family members at all who could possibly help out?


    It sounds like you will have to give her an ultimatum some day. Would you rather do it tomorrow, or after she has driven your boyfriend away and made you miserable?
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    Dec 28, 2013 9:19 PM GMT
    Tell her to be on her way, if she's got that sort of attitude, let her fend for herself. Harsh, but sometimes you have to deal with people in a harsh way. There is housing available for the disabled on a fixed income.
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    Dec 28, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    "Disability" and "Alimony" yet, cannot live on her own?
    Or can not, will not, in the way she is accustomed; choose to lay the guilt down so she doesn't have to?
    I feel your frustration, as I have nearly the same situation with my mother. The exception being I dumped her off on my sisters and left state.
    I would think you have resources available to you threw the military and I would exhaust all of them first; starting with welfare counseling.
    However the case, do not wait another minute to put a ring on that--isn't there more benefits: housing and such, that may come into play once you do?
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    Dec 30, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    Tough one! I am really close to an older cousin of mine who lives an hour away. It's a sad lifestyle to be a single person livin' off the system. She's disabled and lives in a rent controlled apt for folks with neurotic mental disorders. She only get $800 per month, $240 of which has to go for her rent. She owns a car, after food and insurance, many of these folks have to sell their pills just to stay afloat. They can't work; because that screws up her benefits. It's a sad, depressing existence. I usually send her $100 extra at the end of each month; when she's broke, just before food stamps and her check hits. "The System" really only works for younger women who have multiple children and are receiving benefits as a single mother, yet they have a man secretly living with them and bring'n income into the home.
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    Dec 31, 2013 9:01 AM GMT
    willular saidThe BF and I are wanting to get married. However, my mother lives with us.

    backstory on her: she had a hysterectormy years ago, and the surgery left her with a lot of scar tissue. so much that she's in chronic pain now from it. she's legally disabled. however, her income from social security (disability) and alimony (from the divorce after my father left her after her surgery), does not allow her to sufficiently live on her own. so, she lives with me. she's been living with me for a few years now. I am the only person on her side of the family that can financially and logistically support her.

    second backstory on her: when I came out, she did the whole "adam is supposed to be with eve, not with steve" and then told me that she'd never be happy for me. this was about 5 years ago now. (the current BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years).

    She's nice to us, she's civil and doesn't call us names. she even plays board games and watches movies with us. hell, she even watched RuPaul's drag show with the BF when I was deployed. but I know that deep down, she won't want to come to our wedding.

    so the big thing is -- we want to get married, but don't know how to live with someone like her who 1) will not celebrate our relationship; and 2) as a newly wed couple we want to have some time to ourselves, but cannot since she can't live on her own.

    what would you guys do in this situation?


    I'm glad to see you don't take after your father. Now as far as your marriage; I say as long as you and your partner feel it's a wise decision your mother's opinion shouldn't count if it's based entirely on the fact you're gay.

    Out of curiosity, if you two were to have a child would she love her grandchild?

    I've known 2 couples that were together for 7 years and planned on getting married, one couple put down a deposit, only to split up. Separating is easier when you're not a married couple.

    You two are already living like a married couple -- does a piece of paper make this more concrete? I know you can set things up God forbid anything happens to either of you. How does your bf feel about you mother?

    I know it's not right, but some people have been warped into believing certain things. I don't know what your relationship with your mother is like, but most mothers would do anything for their child -- a few friends send checks to their parents each month.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the feedback folks. I really appreciate hearing a non-biased third party's thoughts on this instead of just me and the bf.
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    Dec 31, 2013 6:17 PM GMT
    Congratulations on deciding to get married! As for your mom, it's possible she might have warmed up to your relationship, even if she hasn't said so yet. First, you should talk to her - tell her you two are going to get married, and ask her to be a part of the wedding celebrations. You'll find out quick enough how she is going to react.

    As far as your living situation is concerned, we don't know enough about it and other possibilities to give you good advice. Do you live on base? Will you? Is it practical to buy anything, since you will be reassigned at some time, and who knows when? Can you buy something, and re-sell it easily when you get reassigned? Are rents dirt cheap nearby? Can you help out with your mother renting another place?

    In the long run, your mom can't expect to go on living with you forever - you're in the military, and can get posted to god knows where at a moment's notice.

    What a couple guys have said essentially, is that your relationship has to come first in your life. That's true. It's hardly a new phenomenon for a son's mother not to like the idea of the son getting married, and to disapprove of the spouse. (Historically it's been the son's girlfriend that got disapproval - but the effect is the same.) As much as you love your mother, if there is a conflict of loyalty, your spouse has to come first.

    Whatever you decide, don't let your mother, or your sense of obligation to her, get between you and your husband to be.

    Best of Luck. You've always sounded like a good guy on here - you deserve it.