Help - Need Dating Advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 4:29 AM GMT
    Hi guys, im a bit nervous because this is pretty much my first time asking the community for help... but i really need some advice about a situation that im in... And i apologize in advance if i put you to sleep with my story. lol

    Anyways, i met guy about 1/2 a year ago around July via grindr. and he expressed interest in me and in meeting for a dinner and a drink. THings were wonderful and we had such a good time. We've stayed in touch ever since via text and phone calls. He'd actually call me almost every day if not every day for about the first month since we've meet. He lives about an hour away from me and I would gladly make the commute to his town to hang out with him. In a few of the times we've hanged out, he's shown some affection toward me and even held my hand once in the theatre when we went to see a movie.
    But soon, things that i wasn't particularly fond of slowly came to light. He was ALWAYS drinking and ALWAYS with his friends. I mean, alcoholic status. And, I nearly felt like i was dating his friends, and hardly had any exclusive time with him. But, i honestly don't have any qualms with his friends... in fact, i liked them and they really liked me. But, this guy really liked to party.

    So, I decided to be honest with him one day. I called him and told him straight up: Look man, i like you and im not sure how you feel about me. (At this point i was exhausted from the guessing game). He revealed that he had recently (Dec 2012) got out of a 5 year relationship and that he wasn't sure whether he should jump into something serious again.
    And that also, he wants to just "Go with the flow."
    His answers seemed very wishy-washy to me... but i had to accept it. We didn't speak again for about nearly a month after. But then he started calling / texting me again saying he wanted to hang out. So i complied (of course i was gitty again cuz i thought perhaps there was renewed interest).
    But then when i started hanging out with him he would talk about other guys, and check out other guys and even text other guys while i was with him and his friends. And i just put up with it... there was nothing i could do. He already made it clear he didn't want anything serious...
    But, i still have some feelings for him and i don't know what to do with them.
    He's proven to be a very good friend to me however and hes helped me out with alot of other things.

    I guess my questions are: Where did i go wrong? or what could have i done differently?
    And, if i want to continue a friendship with him, what do i do with the feelings i have for him and the slight jealousy i feel when he talks to other guys.?

    Sorry my story was pretty much a summery of what happened. If its too vague and more info is needed, by all means ask me anything. open book pretty much here.

    - Sincerely,
    theautonomous
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    Let's break this down......

    The Facts:

    • He's attracted to you in a romantic and probably a sexual way.
    • He just got out of a long term relationship.
    • He told you he's not ready for another relationship.

    In my opinion, I think you unknowingly forced him to tell you he was not ready for a relationship by pushing him into talking about his feelings before he was ready. People who have just gotten out of relationships need lots of space and zero pressure. It's not that they're not ready for another relationship, but they need to take it very slow because they're afraid of getting hurt again. If you try making them talk about their feelings, they are quick to reject the entire possibility, rather than having that conversation and committing themselves. Plus, when you make them talk about it, it makes them realize that they might be getting too close too soon. It's like reminding someone on a ladder of how high they are. It's scary. This is probably why he's trying to talk about other guys with you now....it keeps you at a safe distance.

    If you have any chance with this guy, it's by backing off and making yourself less available. Accept his invitations to meet up, but make yourself unavailable about half the time. If he's still interested at all, this will draw him closer by taking the pressure off of him. And by all means....do not try to talk about "feelings!"

    The bigger question however is why do you want to involve yourself with an alcoholic?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 02, 2014 4:52 AM GMT
    I don't know that you did anything "wrong" exactly but discovering that the guy drinks more than you're comfortable with, coupled with not having as much one-on-one time with him as you seem to have wanted, these are red flags to my eyes.

    Now it seems like he's just not that into you (a phrase I don't care for but is often accurate). If he is in to you, then why is he texting or checking out other guys when he's with you? Why isn't the majority of his attention on you?

    As far as your feelings go, it is always difficult to be in a situation where you have feelings for someone that aren't reciprocated. You want something from him that he doesn't seem to want from you. Nothing you can really do about that so far as I know or can tell from what you've said. Sadly you just have to feel the hurt and move on with your life. Trying to be friends probably isn't going to help that.

    ETA: Scruffy's thoughts seem valid, too. Maybe he just isn't ready yet and you need to give him plenty of space. Hard to say.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 5:02 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidLet's break this down......

    The Facts:

    • He's attracted to you in a romantic and probably a sexual way.
    • He just got out of a long term relationship.
    • He told you he's not ready for another relationship.

    In my opinion, I think you unknowingly forced him to tell you he was not ready for a relationship by pushing him into talking about his feelings before he was ready. People who have just gotten out of relationships need lots of space and zero pressure. It's not that they're not ready for another relationship, but they need to take it very slow because they're afraid of getting hurt again. If you try making them talk about their feelings, they are quick to reject the entire possibility, rather than having that conversation and committing themselves. Plus, when you make them talk about it, it makes them realize that they might be getting too close too soon. It's like reminding someone on a ladder of how high they are. It's scary. This is probably why he's trying to talk about other guys with you now....it keeps you at a safe distance.

    If you have any chance with this guy, it's by backing off and making yourself less available. Accept his invitations to meet up, but make yourself unavailable about half the time. If he's still interested at all, this will draw him closer by taking the pressure off of him. And by all means....do not try to talk about "feelings!"

    The bigger question however is why do you want to involve yourself with an alcoholic?


    That really makes sense Scruffypup. I probably did pressure him.. or make him feel pressured with that straight up approach. i guess i just wanted to see if it was going anywhere because all the driving to the other city was taking a toll and i just wanted to make sure it was worth it. that drinking and hanging out with him and his alcoholic friends at boring bars was worth it. And i wouldn't mind doing any of that if i Knew it was worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 5:04 AM GMT
    MikeW saidI don't know that you did anything "wrong" exactly but discovering that the guy drinks more than you're comfortable with, coupled with not having as much one-on-one time with him as you seem to have wanted, these are red flags to my eyes.

    Now it seems like he's just not that into you (a phrase I don't care for but is often accurate). If he is in to you, then why is he texting or checking out other guys when he's with you? Why isn't the majority of his attention on you?

    As far as your feelings go, it is always difficult to be in a situation where you have feelings for someone that aren't reciprocated. You want something from him that he doesn't seem to want from you. Nothing you can really do about that so far as I know or can tell from what you've said. Sadly you just have to feel the hurt and move on with your life. Trying to be friends probably isn't going to help that.

    ETA: Scruffy's thoughts seem valid, too. Maybe he just isn't ready yet and you need to give him plenty of space. Hard to say.


    The drinking and stuff was definitely a concern to me.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 02, 2014 5:13 AM GMT
    theAutonomous said...i guess i just wanted to see if it was going anywhere because all the driving to the other city was taking a toll and i just wanted to make sure it was worth it...

    He never comes to visit you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 5:15 AM GMT
    MikeW said
    theAutonomous said...i guess i just wanted to see if it was going anywhere because all the driving to the other city was taking a toll and i just wanted to make sure it was worth it...

    He never comes to visit you?


    At first a couple times. but other times it was because he happened to be in town. the city i live in is larger than the city he lives in. and we are about an hour apart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 5:16 AM GMT
    theAutonomous said
    Scruffypup saidLet's break this down......

    The Facts:

    • He's attracted to you in a romantic and probably a sexual way.
    • He just got out of a long term relationship.
    • He told you he's not ready for another relationship.

    In my opinion, I think you unknowingly forced him to tell you he was not ready for a relationship by pushing him into talking about his feelings before he was ready. People who have just gotten out of relationships need lots of space and zero pressure. It's not that they're not ready for another relationship, but they need to take it very slow because they're afraid of getting hurt again. If you try making them talk about their feelings, they are quick to reject the entire possibility, rather than having that conversation and committing themselves. Plus, when you make them talk about it, it makes them realize that they might be getting too close too soon. It's like reminding someone on a ladder of how high they are. It's scary. This is probably why he's trying to talk about other guys with you now....it keeps you at a safe distance.

    If you have any chance with this guy, it's by backing off and making yourself less available. Accept his invitations to meet up, but make yourself unavailable about half the time. If he's still interested at all, this will draw him closer by taking the pressure off of him. And by all means....do not try to talk about "feelings!"

    The bigger question however is why do you want to involve yourself with an alcoholic?


    That really makes sense Scruffypup. I probably did pressure him.. or make him feel pressured with that straight up approach. i guess i just wanted to see if it was going anywhere because all the driving to the other city was taking a toll and i just wanted to make sure it was worth it. that drinking and hanging out with him and his alcoholic friends at boring bars was worth it. And i wouldn't mind doing any of that if i Knew it was worth it.


    That's understandable. No one likes being in limbo. But when you talk about feelings too soon, it kills the carefree romantic stage of the relationship because by talking about it, you've removed the non-commitment. And that's very very important to someone just coming out of a relationship. It's not necessarily irreversible though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 02, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    Idk if its fixable, to be honest. But i do feel that maybe i should put some distance between him and i. especially for myself to deal with how i feel about him.