Double Standard

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    Jan 05, 2014 12:25 PM GMT
    I recently told my mom that I gay. She cried for hrs wanting to know why she cant have a normal life blah blah blah. That kinda went away because she pretended like i never told her. In her mind it never happened. Then the other day she said something to the effect of i dont want a bf or any gay crap in this house. Heres the thing I am not the type of guy to have a parade about this . No offense to anybody who does. Im just not that type . Plus honestly if its not serious I wouldnt even talk about my bf or for that matter if i was straight gf with my family. When I was in deep denial i had a cousin who was a lesbian. I remember making fun of her because I was insecure about myself. The same woman, my mom, said to me I shouldnt make fun of her and she deserves respect and i need to stop acting like an ass. I remember one time when I was little too and going through denial I asked her if i was gay would she still love me. Her answer was yes no matter what. I am trying to figure out what changed? Why is it ok for somebody else but not for me especially since ive never ever had a gf. This is ridiculous.
  • Trauts

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    Jan 05, 2014 12:31 PM GMT
    I don't think it's a double standards thing. Maybe she was just really surprised about your coming out. Give her more time. She'll come around. If she doesn't, then talk to her about it and tell her what she said to you as a child. Then, see what she says...

    Glad you're not in denial anymore icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 05, 2014 5:50 PM GMT
    mike34 saidI recently told my mom that I gay. She cried for hrs wanting to know why she cant have a normal life blah blah blah.


    Sounds to me like she's making it about her, and not about you. She's projecting all her emotions onto you. You don't live with her do you? The 'in this house' comment made me think of that, but hopefully that's not the case and she just meant don't bring a guy over. My response would have been "Fine, but don't expect me over either until you learn to act like a mature person."
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    Jan 05, 2014 7:25 PM GMT
    This is a pretty common reaction. My mother's was the same. As the others said, give her time. Most likely she will come around.
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    Jan 05, 2014 7:30 PM GMT
    As others have said give it time, but don't make the mistake that I did and confuse silence on the issue with acceptance and wait almost 6 years to have another talk with her about it. If she continues along those lines further along down the road, it's not easy but you will have to set boundaries with her for your health. Yes she's your mother, but she's also an adult. Setting those boundaries will be helpful for you both in letting her know where you stand and also giving you a better idea what's going on in her mind.

    Congrats on taking that step, it isn't easy.
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    Jan 05, 2014 8:32 PM GMT
    I will say this in regards to the "give her time to accept it" thoughts. Being gay does not mean you have to be tolerant of insults, bigotry, or disrespect from anyone. AT ALL. REGARDLESS of their relationship with you. So be sure to give her time only because you want to. Don't give her time because you feel you have to tolerate insults or shitty attitude. The day she makes your sexuality more important than your feelings is the day she begins to lose the honor of being a loving mother. My parents and friends are proof that you can be conservative, religious, and accepting.
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    Jan 05, 2014 8:53 PM GMT
    mike34 saidI recently told my mom that I gay. She cried for hrs wanting to know why she cant have a normal life blah blah blah. That kinda went away because she pretended like i never told her. In her mind it never happened. Then the other day she said something to the effect of i dont want a bf or any gay crap in this house. Heres the thing I am not the type of guy to have a parade about this . No offense to anybody who does. Im just not that type . Plus honestly if its not serious I wouldnt even talk about my bf or for that matter if i was straight gf with my family. When I was in deep denial i had a cousin who was a lesbian. I remember making fun of her because I was insecure about myself. The same woman, my mom, said to me I shouldnt make fun of her and she deserves respect and i need to stop acting like an ass. I remember one time when I was little too and going through denial I asked her if i was gay would she still love me. Her answer was yes no matter what. I am trying to figure out what changed? Why is it ok for somebody else but not for me especially since ive never ever had a gf. This is ridiculous.


    Your mom is thinking about herself. The answer was in your first sentence.

    You aren't the son she dreamed of, and you won't have holidays, grand children, and so on, that she was looking for.

    In time, given what you've said, your mom will get past the self pity part, and move forward. Right now, she's being self centered and icky and feeling sorry for herself, rather than embracing you unconditionally. Given what you said, it's likely she'll come around, but, if not, don't worry about it. It's not your issue. It's hers.

    You should have zero tolerance of her trying to guilt you via her own expectations, or references to false belief system / religions / cults. Walk away if needed.

    You're 35, and finally put your big boy pants on. Now, get on with life.
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    Jan 05, 2014 9:31 PM GMT
    Your parents are lucky to have a son like you. Give them time, they will come around.
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    Jan 05, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidlots of times people don't want to really know the truth.

    Yes. I had a coworker friend, Puerto Rican descent, and she knew I was gay and didn't have a problem with it. Her son, 21, lived with her and never had any girlfriends or female friends, and some of his male friends were obviously gay according to her. The reason I mentioned her being Puerto Rican is because I believe Latin culture is less accepting of being gay and I thought that her son having gay friends was a bit odd; his father was Mexican. I once said something to her to the effect that maybe her son was gay and she got very offended.
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    Jan 05, 2014 10:46 PM GMT
    mike34 saidI recently told my mom that I gay. She cried for hrs wanting to know why she cant have a normal life blah blah blah......Why is it ok for somebody else but not for me especially since ive never ever had a gf. This is ridiculous.

    Hang in there Mike. It took you 35 years to come to terms with who you are, you need to give your mom at least a year! She's going to react negatively until she accepts that you're not changing and it's OK. Don't push her, she needs to grieve a loss of what she had (or hoped she had) and embrace something that's very foreign to her and she needs to learn about. Let her ask the questions or initiate the conversation, in the mean time, live your life as a gay man, embracing the real you. Good luck.
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    Jan 05, 2014 11:01 PM GMT
    Your story illustrates how people can react very differently when they are confronted with an actual situation that directly affects them, versus having an abstract conversation. That doesn't mean that your mom won't come around. If you two have been fortunate to have good relations and communication in the past, then it will happen more quickly; if not, now is the time to work on that. Yes, she is being hypocritical. Yes, she is being irrational.

    But you just dropped a huge bombshell. Of course she is going to flip out. The key thing is to not let her stay that way. This isn't about just her, and it definitely isn't about the specifics of her not wanting you to bring another guy over or ever talk about you being gay. What this is about is that she is trying to reassert some measure of control, to bring her perception of you back to the way it was before. And you cannot let her get away with that. You have to give her time to adjust, but she will have to adjust.

    You are a full-grown adult. You're not her baby anymore. Trying to appease her is not going to do either of you any good, but neither is calling her out on her hypocrisy. Just be who you are, who you have always been; stay calm, and keep communicating.