TELLING NEW FRIENDS PERSONAL ISSUES: Do you carry things close to the vest or do you like to tell all?

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 12, 2008 4:30 PM GMT
    So we all have them.. friends who know a great deal about us, those who we trust to convey personal feelings and issues. The "inner circle" so to speak.

    I'm always amazed at those men who tell either "new" friends or aquaintances loads of personal things... I had a female friend who used to tell me her whole life story in college (before I even knew who the heck she was). She still calls and tells me her ailments these days, including her battles with her husband. I've known her for years... but I thought it odd when she'd tell me everything when I knew her just weeks......

    So, how soon do you tell friends your secrets or confide in them? Do you have friends in which you've never confided personal information? Why is that? As weird as it sounds, some guys who tell people everything I tend to look at as a little weak.

    For me, I'm very careful these days about unloading items of personal history unless there is a sound basis for doing so.
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    Dec 12, 2008 4:36 PM GMT
    For me, I'm very careful these days about unloading items of personal history unless there is a sound basis for doing so.[/quote]

    I agree with you. I keep things close to my vest. In the past, I've made "instant" good connections with some people and I've told them personal feelings or things. Later on, the freindliness didn't work out, and that person was vindictive or a blabbermouth.

    I want to believe that everybody has integrity, and maybe I want to see the world through rose colored glasses, but it just ain't so.

    I also agree with your statement about being "weak" Totally. I would rather learn to trust someone by their actions, body language and their general disposition. I think someone who blabs a lot is trying too hard to impress, or make friends.

    Very often, a guy will say to me "I'm the kind of person who does" or "let me tell you something about myself" etc. Usually, that is a cover for exactly what they are NOT.
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    Dec 12, 2008 4:42 PM GMT
    One must know me for quite some time before I'm able to divulge any kind of "secrets" about myself. Typically I would say it take several months before I can totally trust someone with that type of information for the mere fact that I want to know who you are as a person and how well I consider you a friend.
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    Dec 12, 2008 4:57 PM GMT
    I may share some intimate personal info with new & casual friends, but not any real secrets, which can be 2 different things.

    So I may discuss all kinds of personal medical details about myself with near strangers, facts which the health care industry must carefully guard under law, while almost no one knows how much money I have, mainly my partner, banker and the government.

    Personal issues are how we define them, and what I call secret, versus private or intimate or whatever, are user-defined terms in my view. I suppose my own highest level of secret would be those things someone could use against me, or that would somehow disadvantage me in the hands of others. And those are the ones I guard the closest.
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    Dec 12, 2008 5:20 PM GMT
    Close to the vest, but I am getting better at opening up.
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:00 PM GMT
    I tend not to get along with people who just "unload" their problems/feelings/personal openly to strangers. All of the people that I have known who did this had personalities that just grated on my nerves.

    I don't view it as weakness, necessarily; something in my brain is always telling me that this person is more trouble than they are worth, and to get out while you can. I don't know how I would define it.

    I believe it has something to do with forming impressions of people. The first few times you meet a person, you don't really know where to put them exactly, or how to define them. Those times are when you acquire a lot of new information about each other, so if the only things you know about someone are their personal problems, it can create a negative feeling. It does for me anyways.

    I tend not to open up a whole lot to anyone except a few of my friends, who I have known for years. I like to have some sort of stability when I'm releasing sensitive information.
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:08 PM GMT
    I don't like to reveal my secrets to many people. I've found most will try to exploit it, use it to their advantage, or will pull away from me when I did that in the past. I think I have some nasty abandonment issues because of it. But I'm loathe to trust anyone with my problems, even if that means they have to fester inside.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Dec 12, 2008 11:09 PM GMT
    I like being honest with people... new and old. Unfortunately the fact that I'm gay is still kinda hard to blurt out at my old friends, but I do let new friends in on the secret when the conversation is appropriate. As for other personal issues, I do share my troubles with new people mainly... makes me seem more interesting I guess. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    I work a little oddly, people find my openness a little uncomfortable at first, it helps weed out the undesirables.. but, it also can keep you rather safe too, if I share something with one person, I share it with everyone, a secret is not really a secret when someone else knows it.. besides, it gives them a power of you that most people choose to never use, but others will attempt to use as leverage.
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    My dad couldn't keep his mouth closed about anything at all. If he sensed the conversation lagging, he'd drag out some personal detail (often about me, or other family members) to keep it going. If his interlocutor still was not suitably impressed, he'd start making shit up.

    Couple this to the fact that he loved talking so much that he planted a garden, and made a little park, out at the county road (more than a hundred yards from the house) specifically for the purpose of luring in passers-by. Not just neighbors, but complete strangers who wandered past, would receive a comprehensive briefing on medical, financial, and romantic status, vacation plans, harvest prospects... At times, I was surprised that he didn't start blurting out bank account numbers.

    Sometimes, I'd check with the guys down at the gas station, to find out what were the latest rumors about me.

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    Dec 12, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    It is not good to make "instant" friends and bore them with too many intimate details. Not everyone we meet can or should become an intimate friend. It takes time to see if an acquaintance will become a true friend. Remember the advice our parents gave us about new friends being silver, but old friends being solid gold. The question that remains; what is the timeframe for most guys -- before they'll consider a new friend, graduated up to an old friend?
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:38 PM GMT

    Not everyone had the privelage to know the intimate things of who I am. It definitely is a level of trust that must be earned to get into my inner realm. I know this is attributed to quality time spent with that person. There are also the people who are in my life I "choose" not to tell anything to... believe me, I don't like my news everywhere. I try and surround myself with high caliber people which I find is hard to come by, but when you find it... it's worth it.
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    Dec 12, 2008 11:47 PM GMT
    I think a new friend is graduated up to an old friend in three days. . . JK

    I think that all friendships take time and effort. Yes I might hang out with someone pretty solidly for awhile even years. Then suddenly they might move or just lose touch. It's the way life is. . . People come and go. I think true friendships require falling in love. They require commitment from both ends.

    As far as disposing of personal information. . . I'm pretty open. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I don't carry for judgement, and I'm certainly not the one to judge.
    People say that I tend to have a knack for getting people to open up. I think that it's because I'm very up front and open myself.

    Secrets are secrets for a reason though.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Dec 13, 2008 12:20 AM GMT
    As long as they are nice....I tell anyone anything they want to know. I am an open book. No topic is sacred or taboo or off limits.
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    Dec 13, 2008 12:46 AM GMT

    lilTanker said,

    "I work a little oddly, people find my openness a little uncomfortable at first, it helps weed out the undesirables.. but, it also can keep you rather safe too, if I share something with one person, I share it with everyone, a secret is not really a secret when someone else knows it.. besides, it gives them a power of you that most people choose to never use, but others will attempt to use as leverage."

    and Delivis said, "As long as they are nice....I tell anyone anything they want to know. I am an open book. No topic is sacred or taboo or off limits."

    We're both similar in our approaches. There's also an old saying we're fond of, that if you want to find out what a person is really like, give them a little power over you and watch what they do with it.

    Thanks both of you guys!
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    Dec 13, 2008 12:46 AM GMT
    Lost_In_Space saidI'd say make an effort to be friendly and accepting to everyone...

    But telling strangers all your personal details just makes them think you're odd.


    well there is a difference here, if they just come out with it telling you all there info, thats a little odd, but if the conversation happens around that way, why hide..
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    Dec 13, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    Lost_In_Space saidI think I'm too much of a bitter cynic..

    i) You might get the signs wrong and weird the new person out.

    ii) Caught in the moment, you might not really think what you're saying. Then it can all come back at you later down the line.

    iii) People do like talking to strangers, but I think they like it most when they are friendly, but not intense.



    Yeah, you probably are... icon_razz.gif

    we all work differently, I don't care if someone likes me or not, no one has power over me, if I weird someone out, bad luck for them.. things I don't want people to know, I don't tell anyone.. we all do life differently, its what makes it interesting icon_smile.gif
  • Parker817

    Posts: 359

    Dec 13, 2008 1:54 AM GMT
    I started a new job in October, and I work with this lesbian who is constantly on her Bluetooth talking to either her girlfriend, her ex-girlfriend, her longtime friend who's a girl (who her girlfriend doesn't really care for). Within the first week, I found out that her brother is in rehab, her current girlfriend won't move in with her, and her ex-girlfriend has two children with a man, who my co-worker calls her own "son" and "daughter." It makes me so uncomfortable that when she's on the phone, I try to find an excuse to leave the room and make myself busy elsewhere.

    Once she realized that I'm gay, she figured I would be especially interested in all her drama. Problem is, I don't particularly care. She does this thing, where she'll just blurt out, "I'm so angry," or "I can't believe she just texted me that!" Obviously she's trying to get me to ask her why, or what's the problem, but I just stare ahead at my computer screen and pretend I don't hear her.

    I used to be like that, back when I first came out over 10 years ago. I would just tell anyone anything. I call it the "high school" mentality, where you're just trying to get attention and be noticed. But then I grew up. I think that's key here. Some people just don't grow up.

    Sorry for the rant...just kinda' been on my mind lately.
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    Dec 13, 2008 2:17 AM GMT
    i am not an easy truster. there are two ppl out of all my friends that i tell all to and i have known them for years. other than that, i tell very little about myself.