How do you feel about Generous guys ?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:32 PM GMT
    so my bf is extremely generous and we have been dating for like 16months +
    -like he takes me on holidays
    -has bought me two laptops (the other one couldnt get fixed so got a store credit for it ,so he got the refund back but he bought me a laptop today )
    -Facials (skincare facials not cum facials haha )
    -he pays for dates etc
    -he bought me a $1000 ring a few days ago
    -gucci necklace etc

    like his really generous and Personally I dont really know I feel about it ,like I dont want to offend him by not accepting the gifts at the same time I don't want to feel like I owe him for the generosity .and when I do get the gifts I have to make up some lie to why I have them ,so family doesnt go crazy (not out and Parents are pro-self Independence) *you dont need no man to look after you *.

    And at times I feel bad as I cant really give back the same type of stuff ,as Im a full time student who works casually (its not an excuse but lol reality is he earns more and he has full time job )and I would like to get him something expensive or take him away on holiday like he does with me .

    Like is generally generous towards everyone ,like he pays for the football trips him and his friend go away on ,the tennis etc but his just more generous with me and yeh

    so How do you feel about generous guys ?
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:38 PM GMT
    I consider myself a generous type as well, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna buy you all kinds of shit.

    If I'd be on the receiving end, I would feel VERY uncomfortable and ask him to stop it. I don't need a 1000$ ring, that's just ridiculous. That's probably just me though.

    I also think you have a right to ask him to stop it, because it's almost borderline disrespectful, him giving you all these kind of htings..
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:38 PM GMT
    how old is he?
  • MikeW

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    Jan 09, 2014 5:45 PM GMT
    EchelonHaze said...And at times I feel bad as I cant really give back the same type of stuff ...

    The question is, how do you feel about this relationship? Does he know that you have to hide the stuff he gives you from your family? Does he know that his generosity sometimes makes you feel "bad"? Even if you've told him that, maybe you need to reflect and find out how you really feel, what this means to you and your own sense of self-worth. "Bad" is too general… exactly how does it make you feel? Does he know that you have to hide the stuff? Does he know that it makes you feel inadequate? Does he know this is a problem for you and that it is interfering with your relationship? (I say this based on the fact you came here to ask this question… so it must be 'bothering' you some, right?)

    See, to me it really all depends. I enjoy receiving gifts from friends and I enjoy giving gifts to friends. If I were wealthy I hope I'd be very generous to friends and people I respect.

    At the same time I know how it feels to feel "beholding"… like the gift comes with strings attached. I don't like that feeling. Recently, for example, I had a co-worker help me move some stuff. He said I didn't owe him anything -- and I'm sure that's true in the sense that he would have done it for nothing -- but I didn't feel ok about that. I paid him for helping me because he isn't really a "friend" but someone I know from work. I felt I owed him that in exchange for his help. It keeps it clean and simple.

    Relationships where there is an imbalance in finances can get complicated. It is really a "boundary" issue, I think. But it ultimately has to do with your feelings and whether or not he can hear and respect those feelings.
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:48 PM GMT
    morphic saidhow old is he?


    his 32
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:49 PM GMT
    Jaggal saidWeird, does he have insecurities?


    haha not that I know off?I'm most probably more insecure than he is haha
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:50 PM GMT

    Mom used to say to never look a gift horse in the mouth.

    Here's an exercise: imagine you got none of the gifts but he kept doing it for others.
  • MikeW

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    Jan 09, 2014 5:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Mom used to say to never look a gift horse in the mouth.

    Here's an exercise: imagine you got none of the gifts but he kept doing it for others.


    Mom is right so long as it is a GIFT. No strings. But not all 'gifts' come without complications.
  • MikeW

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    Jan 09, 2014 5:53 PM GMT
    Jaggal saidHe sounds like he's trying to buy your love or be a sugar daddy, and you sound like a gold digger.

    A tad harsh.
  • Adozark

    Posts: 299

    Jan 09, 2014 5:53 PM GMT
    You should tell him how you feel, just simply tell him that you appreciate his generosity but sometimes you feel like it's just too much and that you're fine with the things you have.

    It seems like he just enjoys giving, I used to be the same way, I just enjoy giving people nice things that they wanted just to make them happier.

    Unless there is some big age gap or some reason he feels he has to buy you things to keep you around I think it is just a matter of letting him know that it makes you uncomfortable.

    EDIT
    EchelonHaze said
    morphic saidhow old is he?


    his 32


    He might like giving you the things you can't afford since you are younger, maybe he feels you deserve more than you have.
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    Jan 09, 2014 5:57 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    EchelonHaze said...And at times I feel bad as I cant really give back the same type of stuff ...

    The question is, how do you feel about this relationship? Does he know that you have to hide the stuff he gives you from your family? Does he know that his generosity sometimes makes you feel "bad"? Even if you've told him that, maybe you need to reflect and find out how you really feel, what this means to you and your own sense of self-worth. "Bad" is too general… exactly how does it make you feel? Does he know that you have to hide the stuff? Does he know that it makes you feel inadequate? Does he know this is a problem for you and that it is interfering with your relationship? (I say this based on the fact you came here to ask this question… so it must be 'bothering' you some, right?)

    See, to me it really all depends. I enjoy receiving gifts from friends and I enjoy giving gifts to friends. If I were wealthy I hope I'd be very generous to friends and people I respect.

    At the same time I know how it feels to feel "beholding"… like the gift comes with strings attached. I don't like that feeling. Recently, for example, I had a co-worker help me move some stuff. He said I didn't owe him anything -- and I'm sure that's true in the sense that he would have done it for nothing -- but I didn't feel ok about that. I paid him for helping me because he isn't really a "friend" but someone I know from work. I felt I owed him that in exchange for his help. It keeps it clean and simple.

    Relationships where there is an imbalance in finances can get complicated. It is really a "boundary" issue, I think. But it ultimately has to do with your feelings and whether or not he can hear and respect those feelings.




    Like He knows that I have to hide it from family ,but his response is "I love you ,and I would like to take care of you " and he always says that He doesnt want anything in return ,as he is doing out of love and trying to make me happy

    Like I feel like he could be spending the money on a something else for HIM or something worth spending the money on .............


    like I'm happy with the relationship without the stuff ,he makes me smile with his weird sense of humor ,family guy obsession and the casual wrestling and punching haha and he kinda motivates me to be the best that I can be in terms of fitness ,education and my general future


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    Jan 09, 2014 5:58 PM GMT
    Jaggal saidHe sounds like he's trying to buy your love or be a sugar daddy, and you sound like a gold digger.


    haha um wow ok ...............
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    Jan 09, 2014 6:42 PM GMT


    "Like He knows that I have to hide it from family ,but his response is "I love you ,and I would like to take care of you " and he always says that He doesnt want anything in return ,as he is doing out of love and trying to make me happy"

    That's what I said to Bill before he was out to his family. In our relationship there was a time when he was the big earner, and a time when I was....much much later there came the time when we were both making good coin. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 09, 2014 6:53 PM GMT
    In other words how do I feel about sugar daddies? I hear they are nice guys, never been with one, but if they spoil you that must mean they are nice right? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 09, 2014 6:56 PM GMT
    trolololol weak ass
  • MikeW

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    Jan 09, 2014 7:20 PM GMT
    EchelonHaze said... his response is "I love you ,and I would like to take care of you " and he always says that He doesnt want anything in return ,as he is doing out of love and trying to make me happy

    like I'm happy with the relationship without the stuff….

    Ok.

    If he's trying to make you happy through his gifts he is failing (apparently) in that his gifts make you feel overwhelmed (or something, "bad" as you put it). Giving you stuff doesn't make you happy. HE, as a person, makes you happy. His gifts make HIM happy, you not so much.

    What to do? Relationships are about negotiations and compromises (among many other things). Can you negotiate with him and say, "It's ok to give me gifts on certain occasions but only on those occasions." (Or whatever works for you, some kind of boundary or limit that helps you feel ok.) Or, if he can't or won't change, can you change how you feel about it? Can you accept the gifts and feel ok about yourself?
  • Adozark

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    Jan 09, 2014 7:46 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidDon't look at the gift horse in the mouth unless it is from Trojan.


    I'm not trying to be an ass, but the horse was from Troy, hence it was Trojan.
  • MikeW

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    Jan 09, 2014 8:09 PM GMT
    Adozark said
    woodsmen saidDon't look at the gift horse in the mouth unless it is from Trojan.

    I'm not trying to be an ass, but the horse was from Troy, hence it was Trojan.

    icon_rolleyes.gif

    Trojan-Condoms.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2014 8:09 PM GMT
    He's your boyfriend let him give You what he wants..sounds like a win win situation to me
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    Jan 09, 2014 8:11 PM GMT
    Adozark said
    woodsmen saidDon't look at the gift horse in the mouth unless it is from Trojan.


    I'm not trying to be an ass, but the horse was from Troy, hence it was Trojan.

    Not trying to be an ass, but it's "thus it was Trojan", not hence. Hence indicates a future consequence such as in "The storm did not destroy the field, hence we will farm it this Spring".
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    Jan 09, 2014 8:13 PM GMT
    I prefer to keep things semi equal. Unless of course the guy is filthy rich. I can be bought… icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 09, 2014 8:20 PM GMT
    Sounds way too hetero-normativly gross to me; unless, of course-- he's a bottom then, it's all good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2014 8:21 PM GMT
    Nobody gives expensive gifts and expects nothing in return.
  • Adozark

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    Jan 09, 2014 8:27 PM GMT
    Matiz said
    Adozark said
    woodsmen saidDon't look at the gift horse in the mouth unless it is from Trojan.


    I'm not trying to be an ass, but the horse was from Troy, hence it was Trojan.

    Not trying to be an ass, but it's "thus it was Trojan", not hence. Hence indicates a future consequence such as in "The storm did not destroy the field, hence we will farm it this Spring".


    True. icon_redface.gif

    I really wasn't trying to be an ass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2014 9:04 PM GMT
    Adozark said
    Matiz said
    Adozark said
    woodsmen saidDon't look at the gift horse in the mouth unless it is from Trojan.


    I'm not trying to be an ass, but the horse was from Troy, hence it was Trojan.

    Not trying to be an ass, but it's "thus it was Trojan", not hence. Hence indicates a future consequence such as in "The storm did not destroy the field, hence we will farm it this Spring".


    True. icon_redface.gif

    I really wasn't trying to be an ass.


    I however, am becoming very good at being an ass. Like this:

    Matiz said, "Hence indicates a future consequence such as in "The storm did not destroy the field, hence we will farm it this Spring"

    You're going to farm a Spring, and use hence? I would think a fence around the farm a better idea, in fact, how about farming the farm instead of a Spring? Well...unless of course you're fish farming, which is a completely different matter.

    *wears terribly wise expression* icon_lol.gificon_wink.gif