Straight acting all my life…will moving out of state make dating and meeting new people easier?


  • Jan 10, 2014 3:16 AM GMT
    All my friends and family pretty much thinks I'm straight. I hate to say it but I refuse to let any of them find out that I'm bicurious/gay. Although it feels like I have been lying to them and myself all these years I hate to disappoint them. It would be embarrassing for my family as well, (an asian culture thing…they consider it degrading to be homosexual) but fuck iittt. I feel like if I was to move out of state I can finally embrace my true identity without worrying about my family and friends back home from knowing. Plus I can honestly say I will be fine without visiting them for awhile lol.

  • Jan 10, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
    how would they find out lol? and I meant straight acting- as in liking girls only…. I'm attracted to both guys and girls :/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
    Many men have done exactly that. Moved away from home and figure out who they are in a different city/state/country. If you feel that would help you, just go for it.
    I moved away from home at 21, came out at 22, came out to my family at 24 and now have the full loving support of my entire family and that of my husband. (My parents took a few years to get really comfy, but were never hostile or rejecting)

  • Jan 10, 2014 3:35 AM GMT
    thank you for your reply!! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    Worked for me.
    Moving away, starting over is a perfect time to reinvent yourself--rewrite your narrative instead of 'acting' what others have written for you.
  • Paperless_Pen

    Posts: 573

    Jan 10, 2014 10:25 AM GMT
    What does "straight acting" really mean? Does it mean you pretend to be straight or you are not effeminate?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 10:46 AM GMT
    It used to be called a vision quest . A young man leaves his village on a quest to find something but in fact in the process he finds himself and becomes man. Even Jesus had to leave his hometown .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 11:59 AM GMT
    If by "Straight-Acting" you mean closeted, then yes. Most likely when you get away from the people you're hiding from, you're more free to to stop acting straight and start acting gay.

    The trick is to figure out you you are and just *be* that and not have to *act*.

    Good luck, and happy hunting! icon_biggrin.gif
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Jan 10, 2014 12:38 PM GMT
    ikilledcaptainplanet saidNOPE because eventually, you're still going to have to tell them or they will find out. icon_wink.gif d


    I have to agree
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 12:39 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidMany men have done exactly that. Moved away from home and figure out who they are in a different city/state/country. If you feel that would help you, just go for it.
    I moved away from home at 21, came out at 22, came out to my family at 24 and now have the full loving support of my entire family and that of my husband. (My parents took a few years to get really comfy, but were never hostile or rejecting)


    My story is very similar. Went to work for Disney at 23. Figured out that so many people, gay and straight, did not care about your orientation. Came out, had a lot of fun. Told my family, took time for them to adjust and now my mom and my bf are BFF.

    And OP, I'm Asian! Btw, to answer your thread question....no, meeting new people and dating will be more challenging when you move.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 12:47 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidIt used to be called a vision quest . A young man leaves his village on a quest to find something but in fact in the process he finds himself and becomes man. Even Jesus had to leave his hometown .


    Anyone experienced one or more of these?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 12:56 PM GMT
    asian or not. gay or straight, until you come to terms with yourself that you are gay (i don't believe in bi-curious) there will always be a tension between you and your sexuality.

    it may help to move to another city, because you have the opportunity to have a fresh start, but remember that it's all up to you!!!

    Good luck and Happy New Year!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 1:01 PM GMT
    It worked out great for me. For me, it was less about moving away and more about understanding my identity and what I wanted out of my life. When I moved away I became more self reliant and and was then prepared to cut certain people out of my life. I also found out more about who missed me and really cared. Sometimes you don't realize that some of your friends are really just people you hang out with when you're all bored versus people you can rely on/sacrifice for. There's a phrase, "don't confuse the people who are always around for the people who will always be there".

    Once I was prepared to fully support myself, I came out in a very direct, non dramatic way and I firmly explained what being gay meant for me. I was told that my confidence made it super easy for people to know how to support me.

  • Jan 10, 2014 1:19 PM GMT
    I appreciate all the advices that has been given everyone, I will keep all your wisdoms and experiences in mind! Have a great day everyone
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    JasonWantsIt23 saidAll my friends and family pretty much thinks I'm straight. I hate to say it but I refuse to let any of them find out that I'm bicurious/gay. Although it feels like I have been lying to them and myself all these years I hate to disappoint them. It would be embarrassing for my family as well, (an asian culture thing…they consider it degrading to be homosexual) but fuck iittt. I feel like if I was to move out of state I can finally embrace my true identity without worrying about my family and friends back home from knowing. Plus I can honestly say I will be fine without visiting them for awhile lol.


    My problem with my sexuality has always been accepting it myself. I care so little what my family thinks about it that it rarely crosses my mind. I guess it depends on your relationship with them, but my opinion is it isn't any of their business.

    As far as moving out of state: That's exactly what I did. I left Texas and came to LA for that exact reason and it was a good decision. I always believe in ripping out the apron strings by their roots.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 5:09 PM GMT
    Best luck to you , enjoy life at the fullest , mate !
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 10, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    I'm always amused at the hyper-sensitivity to the term "straight acting." Guys, just chill about that. If I say "My dog is acting like she doesn't feel well," I'm not implying she's trying to fake it. Or assume some inauthentic behavior.

    As to the OP, yes, you'll find it much easier to date and decide how you want to live your life. My Asian partner Alex was totally closeted with his family until he moved here (across the country) and even then we were closeted in public. When the relationship got to the point of considering each other as "Partners," when were became committed to each other, he decided to come out to his family. Like you, he was very unsure of the outcome and even feared his dad would never speak to him again. The good news is he's now totally open to everyone (except his grandmother) and I've been graciously welcomed into the family. Including his dad. (Well, there is a rival family that doesn't know about me but that's another Asian thing, lol.) Give it a go, guy. My bet is it will turn out well. Just move, date, and enjoy life. Things work out!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 5:20 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI'm always amused at the hyper-sensitivity to the term "straight acting." Guys, just chill about that. If I say "My dog is acting like she doesn't feel well," I'm not implying she's trying to fake it. Or assume some inauthentic behavior.

    Yeah, but if your dog is "cat-acting," obviously he's in denial about chasing squirrels.
  • R_Prototype

    Posts: 35

    Jan 10, 2014 5:25 PM GMT
    dude it helps a lot! worked for me and its worth a try!
    all the best! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 5:27 PM GMT
    Paperless_Pen saidWhat does "straight acting" really mean? Does it mean you pretend to be straight or you are not effeminate?

    Oh pa-lease. Not this again.
    Let people talk the way they want. We all know what he means.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jan 10, 2014 5:57 PM GMT
    a closet is a very small confined place to try to have relationships - you would be limited to other guys who are also in closets
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 10, 2014 6:03 PM GMT
    secondstartotheright saida closet is a very small confined place to try to have relationships - you would be limited to other guys who are also in closets

    True but not a bad first step if someone isn't quite ready to come out. It definitely helps to have the support of the one you care for when you do. And for me, at least, my dedication to my new love was the motivator I needed to take the risk. I literally did it to honor him and our relationship. And he did the same for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 10, 2014 11:00 PM GMT
    You're still going to be the same person you are, no matter where you live. Accepting yourself now will make it so much easier, whether you stay put or move elsewhere.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2014 1:36 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidYou should probably do not need to use "straight acting". You are a man so you are who you are. You're not acting.


    Like button

    Not every gay is a screaming sassy drama queen. Some are normal men who just happen to be attracted to other men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 11, 2014 1:54 AM GMT
    JasonWantsIt23 saidAll my friends and family pretty much thinks I'm straight. I hate to say it but I refuse to let any of them find out that I'm bicurious/gay. Although it feels like I have been lying to them and myself all these years I hate to disappoint them. It would be embarrassing for my family as well, (an asian culture thing…they consider it degrading to be homosexual) but fuck iittt. I feel like if I was to move out of state I can finally embrace my true identity without worrying about my family and friends back home from knowing. Plus I can honestly say I will be fine without visiting them for awhile lol.


    You will definitely find it easier and less intimidating to come out in more gay-friendly states/cities. When I moved to Toronto from a "slightly" more conservative Calgary, one of my first flatmates was a bisexual so it did not take long for me to admit my sexuality to my flatmates, then my friends (including the ones I knew from Calgary).

    However, if you think moving to a new location will change you as a person, you are wrong. You will still feel yourself weighed under your insecurity, and you will also not be able to get past the idea of not being out to your childhood friends and family members. If you are planning on completely transforming your life at a new location, then you need to be prepared to literally force yourself to do things that you are not comfortable with i.e. behave like someone that you were not in your hometown. If you don't, you'll find that your life in a new location won't be much different from that of the past.