What will happen when you get old?

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    Dec 13, 2008 1:29 PM GMT
    My bf takes care of him mother...She has had health problems her whole life. Fighting Diabetes, kidney transplants and etc. He takes her everywhere and he handles here finances. She is very dependant on him even though he has two other brothers, but they aren't able to help as much.

    He is 46 now and I am 38. I have 3 kids that love him dearly. I know he is very sensitive somewhat about his age and getting older now. It makes me think...what would happen if something were to happen to me, what would he do as he gets older?

    When he gets to the point that he cant work and take care of himself, what would he do? He has no kids...family or whatever. I would hope my kids would be there to help some but I know its different.

    I dont feel as bad cuz I have my 3 kids and I know between the three I should be ok. I hope I never get to the point that I have to depend on them that would be terrible. But I worry about him and how he would be. I hope I am there to take care of him, but you never know what will happen.

    Have you thought about when you get older what will happen? What are your plans?
  • emailaddress

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    Dec 13, 2008 1:38 PM GMT
    this is every gay men dreaded eventuality of dying alone, its at the back of many's minds, but too depressing to think about. But one day some of us will have to face it somehow.


    But this has nothing to do with being gay, older women usually ended up in nursing homes, their children too pre-occupied with managing their own life to take care of their parents. if someone is old and sick, its going to be horrible, families can be there to help, but it is just as hard to cope.

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    Dec 13, 2008 4:30 PM GMT
    I'm old NOW, and rather disabled. I really shouldn't live alone, and fortunately have a partner. He's older, too, and we take care of each other.

    Should the day come that, for whatever reason I must live alone, or if I become so disabled that my partner cannot care for me, I've already got options in place for in-home care, or care in a home. Plus I have a life income, will never be indigent.

    After my first partner died in 2004 and I was alone, the VA evaluated my living circumstances, and developed a plan for my care. Initially we'd try Independent Living where I was, aided by regular visits from health care professionals, cleaning people, assistive devices, and so forth. The next stage would be Assisted Living in a dedicated facility.

    While this lengthy process was underway (the VA does nothing quickly), I relocated, and fell in love again. My partner also has plans in place for his own future care if needed. Both of us have Medicare options as well.

    There are insurance plans available for extended care. For those who are not disabled veterans (US or elsewhere), and not on US Medicare or its equivalent in other countries, consider looking into long-term care insurance.

    I agree with you, and have heard this fear expressed before. In fact, it's the most common fear I hear from older gay men: living and dying alone in their old age. Many have few close relatives at that point who would step in, so they're entirely on their own.

    Advance planning is essential, that isn't dependent on having a partner. I had a partner, and he died unexpectedly. I no longer trust to Fate.
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    Dec 13, 2008 5:15 PM GMT

    We see elderly loneliness and lack of care, masses of it, in the straight community as well.

    This is Doug. I volunteer. It doesn't matter if it's a neighbour, someone in a facility, hospital, or dying at home.
    My personal feeling is that if we can all do this, just a little, we can and will make a difference.

    Caslon8000 took a dresser from and older lady and re-finished it. Unrelated to this topic? Nope. Intrinsically related as it's an example of reaching out in ways not always obvious. From what I remember of his post, she was thrilled. That in turn gives her a little faith in the world around her, and strength to continue and a 'lift' of spirit, which is priceless in my estimation.

    Thanks for reading .......Doug
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    Dec 13, 2008 5:30 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    We see elderly loneliness and lack of care, masses of it, in the straight community as well.

    This is Doug. I volunteer. It doesn't matter if it's a neighbour, someone in a facility, hospital, or dying at home.
    My personal feeling is that if we can all do this, just a little, we can and will make a difference.

    Caslon8000 took a dresser from and older lady and re-finished it. Unrelated to this topic? Nope. Intrinsically related as it's an example of reaching out in ways not always obvious. From what I remember of his post, she was thrilled. That in turn gives her a little faith in the world around her, and strength to continue and a 'lift' of spirit, which is priceless in my estimation.

    Thanks for reading .......Doug


    Wonderful point! We can do things for others!

    A 60+ friend of my partner's was found unconscious in his home, near death. He was in hospital and nursing homes for 6 months. Eventually he lost a leg.

    We visited him regularly, and I cut his hair for him, did the things the staff didn't do. Now he's back home, and we take him to events and parties. His wheelchair & walker go in our car trunk, and soon he'll have an artificial leg.

    One of the mottos we had in the US Army was "We take care of our own." That same motto should be adopted by the GLBT community. If we don't take care of our own, who else will?
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    Dec 13, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
    See the movie,
    Soylent Green, produced 1973. It takes place in New York City in 2022. Your going to love what the secret ingredient is?
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    Dec 13, 2008 8:24 PM GMT
    I hope to be well situated in a city I love working a career or two that I also love, with a man and hopefully some kids of our own. It's not a scary notion to me, growing older. It's inevitable, so I don't fight it. Everything has it's time and place. Hopefully my time as an older man will be as enjoyable as my early youth but with the added benefit of having already "been there, done that" to keep me level headed. I don't care if I ever manage to get fat, lose hair or whatever phobias the general gay community imposes on itself for whatever reasons. I know that I'm going to stop looking back at what I used to be like some tragic jaded burned out fuck crazy fairy and just live knowing that things are how they should be. I kid you not. I barely give a damn now that I'm good looking. All I really care about is that I've already sown my wild oats and done all the stupid redundant trivial gay lifestyle cliches. Now I'm living my life to the fullest before I lose a limb or my stamina and wits.
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Dec 13, 2008 8:57 PM GMT
    There is potentially good news on this front. In recent years, gay retirement homes have emerged as an option for those seeking a retirement existence within the gay community.

    Frankly, it's cheaper to be on a cruise ship than in a retirement home. So you'll find me floating around the world somewhere when retirement comes.
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    Dec 13, 2008 9:08 PM GMT
    this is gonna happen to me...



    Except with old gay guys. I would be Blanche.

    Redbull would be Dorthy

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    Dec 13, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    redbull said

    I dont feel as bad cuz I have my 3 kids and I know between the three I should be ok. I hope I never get to the point that I have to depend on them that would be terrible. But I worry about him and how he would be. I hope I am there to take care of him, but you never know what will happen.

    Have you thought about when you get older what will happen? What are your plans?


    OK, first...don't depend on your kids. That's just awful. This whole parents raise you and then you care for them till their grave crap is just disgusting. I'm 23 and already having to attend to my mother because of the awful choices she made in her life as well as other uncontrolled circumstances. Now, she's in such bad shape she cant even fight her diseases.

    My great-grandfather is 103 and just fine...because he was smart, successful, and healthy. He can still drive because it's the same town and the roads are memorized. I plan on doing what he did. I'm not working my ass off just to end up a burden. I'm telling my kids that too. I would never want them to have to care for me.

    I'll be a burden of the state if I have to, but never my kids. If they want to drive me around or something when necessary just for other drivers' safety, that's fine (though most cities have that service for the elderly), but I'm not living with them and imposing on their life. It's not happening. I mean, I don't even know if I'll ever even have a private life at this point. I'm allowing them that. Same thing with a partner...he can help me around the house, but I'm not denying him his independence elsewhere.

    I'll just deal with it like trillions of others before us have. I'll keep my dignity and allow others around me some semblance of normalcy when things aren't normal for me.
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    Dec 13, 2008 10:16 PM GMT
    When I'm old - say 85 and up, partnered or not, I will live at home - and have help as needed. If say, I've lost my driver's license, I'll have a valet or assistant to drive me places; get the groceries; take care of the house and grounds, etc. I won't want to go to one of the retirement high rises or villages though, I really would rather stay in my house. I have a guest suite where help could live if I needed them full time. There are insurance policies guys can buy that will provide for in-home health care. Convalescent homes are expensive - and who wants to live there?

    With luck and a great attitude - we can all be doing just fine at 85. My grandparents traveled, worked in their gardens, had fun with friends, walked, exercised, swam - did all kinds of regular, fun things in their 80s.
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    Dec 13, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    The thing is you never know what will happen. I just finished my class on neuroanatomy/ physiology, the brain is an extremely complicated system that is vulnerable to the slightest alteration. You can literally wake up one day and not be able to hear, speak, swallow, etc...

    I say live in today. Don't worry about what's gonna happen to you. It's sad when it does go but it's inevitable.

    I remember one patient always. He's 81 with spastic dysarthria from a stroke. He said to me one day in his robotic, slurred voice, "When you get to be 80 they should just shoot you."
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    Dec 15, 2008 12:45 AM GMT
    growing old and dieing alone scares the hell out of me.

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    Dec 15, 2008 1:02 AM GMT
    meninlove saidCaslon8000 took a dresser from and older lady and re-finished it.

    Good lord, such a memory!

    Here's the chest of drawers after I refinished it. I wish I had taken "before" pics....it was her husband's childhood chest of drawers. It was painted and scratched. In recent years, she kept it in a basement that flooded regularly. The bottom drawer swelled and burst apart. She threw it out and I scavenged it cuz it was a good solid wood piece of furniture. She didnt know it could be fixed and when she admired it during my refinishing, of course, I offered it back.

    chest_side_2.jpgchest_above_3.jpg
    ... in my foyer before going back to my neighbor
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    Dec 15, 2008 2:51 PM GMT
    dreamdrop saidthis is gonna happen to me...



    Except with old gay guys. I would be Blanche.

    Redbull would be Dorthy



    why do I have to be dorothy???!!! lol atleast shes butch, lol.
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    Dec 15, 2008 2:55 PM GMT
    Don't know I can't see that far into the future! I dropped my crystal ball and smashed it!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 15, 2008 3:08 PM GMT

    Caslon8000 said,

    "Good lord, such a memory!"

    Heh, things like that matter to me hugely, so it was easy to remember. -Doug

    and said,
    "Here's the chest of drawers after I refinished it. I wish I had taken "before" pics....it was her husband's childhood chest of drawers. It was painted and scratched. In recent years, she kept it in a basement that flooded regularly. The bottom drawer swelled and burst apart. She threw it out and I scavenged it cuz it was a good solid wood piece of furniture. She didn't know it could be fixed and when she admired it during my refinishing, of course, I offered it back."

    ...which is worth 10 points (out of 1 -10) in our book, and worth 10,000 posts.icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 15, 2008 3:26 PM GMT
    Homage to my partner: right now he's driving his disabled gay friend around, the one I mentioned above who nearly died and lost a leg recently at 63. Stops this morning include the drug and grocery stores.

    Yesterday afternoon my partner drove 50 miles round trip, to one of these "gold parties" that are being held in people's homes, today's recession version of Tupperware parties. And he took along some items from another gay friend of his, who's nearly 75 and unable to pay his homeowner bills, because of recent "special assessments" by Fort Lauderdale for road & sewer work.

    Deteriorating health prevents the friend from driving himself that far, so my partner simply went alone. (I had to prepare for a party later, in which we were both participating, so I stayed back to do that)

    Earlier this morning at breakfast my partner gave his friend $900 from the sale of a few gold necklaces & rings. The man was in tears, saying now he could pay his bills and not lose his house. (In truth, I think I could have persuaded my partner that we would have covered the bills ourselves if really needed, but this keeps the friend's dignity)

    Not everyone here in RJ will have opportunities to help like my partner does, because we are older and most others are younger, and don't see these crises in their daily lives. We do, and both being former US Army, we've adopted the Army motto I mentioned above: "We take care of our own."
  • zakariahzol

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    Dec 15, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    Men, this topic is like a slap on my face. My greatest fear is to be invalid and no be able to take care of myself. All my life I was a very independent person and refuse to depend on other people. Now what will I do when I am old and cant take care of myself. Honestly , I DONT KNOW. I dont have kids, I dont think I ever will. None of my nephew and niece are close enough to say they will take care of me. My younger bf, use to promise to look after me when I am old and guess what he leave me for another men after two years together. My best friend and I have some talk about a possiblity we could share a place and look after each other. Probably I live in some old folk house or a home for senior citizen.
    I do my best to prepare my self for retirement , just 11 years away . Save enough saving, plan where I will stay and try to be as fit as possible. The rest I leaving it to god and fate.
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    Dec 18, 2008 2:53 AM GMT
    If you're gay and get stcuk in a nursing home or adult care facilities they aren't very gay friendly either.
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    Dec 18, 2008 2:58 AM GMT
    hopefully u have brothers or sisters. if not, take care of urselves today and pray lol.
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    Dec 18, 2008 1:38 PM GMT
    My partner and I are trying to be super good Uncles to our nieces and nephews with the thought in mind that they may return the favor in our “Golden Years”.

    We also both have a very dark sense of humor and say that when / if gets really bad for us (body or mind) we are going to get on our boat and head out to sea…never to be heard from again.
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    Dec 18, 2008 1:48 PM GMT
    This is a cheerful topic to read in the morning. I live alone. Save some money for the future but not enough. I have three nephews but I have found we've drifted apart. I see them about three times a year. They don't know I'm gay. The two close friends I have their own affairs to worry about. One has three kids whom I love dearly and the other is a straight drama queen.

    Gosh, I am flam floogled.

    Guess I better start investing in an IRA and finding a life partner.