Broke up with boyfriend; wants to keep hanging out - I'm open to it


  • Jan 13, 2014 6:04 AM GMT
    Just a bit of context here:

    A few weeks ago before we broke up, my boyfriend (of 5 months) and I were out with friends and we both got hammered. He drunkenly told me not to trust him while he's away on holiday and that he didn't want to hurt me. I told him not to worry and to tell me when he returns if anything has happened.

    Days later, he left for 2 weeks and I was experiencing a bit of anxiety. We spoke minimally over Messenger, as he didn't have access to WiFi but even when he was online, he'd read my message but didn't respond. I decided to delete the app and wait 'til he got back.

    After he returned, he had the post-holiday blues and was really down and stressed to go back to the everyday. I tried to be lift his spirits and keep him company but still had anxiety. The next evening, we hung out again and I just had to ask him to tell me that nothing happened on his trip to give me peace of mind. He didn't see that coming - but ended up confessing that he got drunk at a bar, made out with someone and hung out the next day, which was his last day of the trip.

    I wasn't expecting to be more confused than hurt (I've been cheated on before, and even cheated once myself when I was younger... #KARMA) but my mind was foggy with mixed emotions and stress.
    After some awkward questions and irrational thinking, I asked him what he wanted to do.

    With a bit of hesitation, he told me that maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship together. I asked him to think about what he's saying and have an open conversation. He mentioned that he didn't want to lead me on and that he felt like he hit a plateau with his feelings towards me realising it during his trip. He still wants to hang out with me hoping to find the spark if we're having a good time. I asked him to give it some thought and then I left his place.

    A few minutes after, he texted me "I'm sorry, I hope we can still be friends, etc. (What does this mean?) You are a cool guy." I replied, "You gotta earn my trust back somehow". Got the response of "That's understandable. Let me know if/when you want to hang out again." to which I didn't reply.

    I attempted No Contact but failed miserably when he texted me 2 days later asking me what I was up to. I gave a delayed response of nothing much but the next day he texted back inviting me to a mutual friend's game night. I said I'll let him know when I make up my mind.

    I ended up going, having a great time, then we left to take the train together and made plans to meet up this week to see a movie. I know it's only been a little over one week but I'm patient and eager to see where things go from this point. No expectations whatsoever.

    So here I am on REALJOCK looking to hear a different perspective from you folks. I'm still recovering but for some reason, looking at this situation as a challenge. (Roll your eyes.)

    Am I crazy? Is it WAY too soon? Is he unintentionally leading me on? Am I actually friend-zoned and setting myself up for failure? Oh and what do you think "friends, etc" means?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2014 6:15 AM GMT
    sounds like he just likes to know that he can lose you. if he cheated on you get out, easier said then done. maybe im jaded but some dudes just like the dram they get from the breakup to make up game. follow your heart but don't lose your head
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Jan 13, 2014 7:58 AM GMT
    you can be friends with your exes. there should be some alone time, but after that, they were originally people you liked right, you should be able to be friends still. he told you he was cheating before it happened so it wasn't as bad as if it was something that was a total surprise (not that it doesnt still suck for you).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2014 4:46 PM GMT
    To be honest he sounds selfish/manipulative. He basically announced that he would cheat on you, and unashamedly confirmed afterwards, like he didn't give a fuck what you could think/feel. If he were genuine about his lack of feelings towards you but still wanted to keep you as a friend, he would have given you some breathing room to process things and also been more diplomatic. It really does seem like he's just playing with you tbh.

    (Considering that I don't know anything about you or your boyfriend it could be completely wrong, but anyway...)

  • Jan 14, 2014 8:12 AM GMT
    Ya... so now that I'm thinking about it, my anxiety will only get the best of me, which is what's happening every time we proceed to text each other.

    I'm only fooling myself.
    I'll be on the right track sooner if I proceed with No Contact now...
    Including deleting his number and Facebook.
    Lesson learned.

    Thanks for your input you guys.
  • YouKnow

    Posts: 32

    Jan 14, 2014 1:26 PM GMT
    well you have already learnt your lesson, but just to tell you some more, people like him know that they can get away with disrespecting you because you will come back to them. Had a friend of 5 years who disrespected me and when I told the bitch enough is enough she begged on her knees to be taken back and forgiven.

    Didn't happen. She is hella mad now, but that's what you get for disrespecting loyal friends, should've thought of it before it was too late. So you do the same, don't let his arrogant ass walk over you like that, respect yourself it feels right.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2014 2:22 PM GMT
    Was a short relationship but nothing hurts more than being told this..Is sort of like an ex of mine said "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"..really sucks but then when you find out even when he was supposedly in love with you, he was cheating then in what was supposed to be monogamous..maybe you can eventually be friends but it takes time..I am still not in contact after 9 years with this ex but heard from a mutual friend nothing has changed..so many claim to want monogamy when what they really want is for their egos to be fed and have their cake and eat it too...break contact with him completely and healing will come quicker..I know..good luck
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jan 21, 2014 2:19 AM GMT
    I kind of went through something similar except we didn't date as long and he cheated while I was in the same room...afterwards he tried his best to stay in my life and "be friends," but I know that meant that he wanted to have me within arms reach. After a week (just like you) of waiting, we hung out and the day ended in us fooling around. The next day I cut all communication with him. He was playing with my head. Fast forward to 3 months later, I decided or open up about what I was feeling and how I felt at the time. I had to let him know the pain I felt. Still have yet to see him since that day, but i know I have gotten myself sorted mentally and emotionally first before trying to chill with him again.

    Communicate your true feeling and thoughts and don't sugar coat a thing. I feel if you speak truthfully, you will find the answer you are looking for with this guy.
  • jnick91776

    Posts: 30

    Jan 21, 2014 2:32 AM GMT
    ah yes...most gay men and their promises. its why most of us are single. Relationships can be hard even under the best of circumstances. Something I heard years ago...
    if you think the grass is greener on the other side maybe your not putting enough fertilizer on your side.