Advice on how to tell someone you arent interested after meeting them.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2014 5:50 PM GMT
    I have been doing online dating lately and have been talking to alot of guys. Ive talked with a couple of them for a few weeks now. We agree to meet but what happens if when we meet theres no attraction. Ive been in that situation before and have said politely that I am glad to meet you but it doesnt feel like there is anything there. Then the guy just goes off on this big tangent. Correct me if I am wrong but dating is supposed to be the trial and error of finding someone. If we arent compatible then thats it.
    It could be me I mean sometimes if we dont have the same interests or hes not in shape I will become closed minded. I mean if hes cute, funny, around the same age why does it matter. Im 35 its probably time to start thinking seriously about this.
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    Jan 13, 2014 6:24 PM GMT
    I wouldn't lie, I think that's the biggest disservice you can do to a person. I would gently say it to them in a nice way, maybe "i'm not really feeling anything- are you?" that way you can talk things over on how you both feel about the situation. Though, haha kinda funny a guy turned me down when I was younger, because I did have a few pounds on me at the time, but because he said that I decided I should go to a gym, a few years, and one grindr message later- he messaged me again asking to hook up, I told him if he remembered me, and had to explain to him I was that one guy he turned down, so I gently turned him down. Funny how life works, eh? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 13, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    the key thing is NOT to give out signs that you are into him for "politeness" or because you are a flirt. If he doesn´t press your button then don´t send mixed messages in order "not to hurt his feelings". Little obvious things: Don´t say "let´s meet again" say "hope you have a good week" etc Don´t talk about another date if there´s not gonna be one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    I've been on both sides of that. The best thing to do, I think, is just be honest and tell them you aren't interested in them. There's definitely a nice way to do that without hurting feelings too badly. But it's much better to be honest and call it off early rather than drag a guy on to something that isn't going to happen, especially just out of being worried of upsetting him. Chances are after one or two dates he's not going to be too upset about it.

  • Jan 13, 2014 7:26 PM GMT
    EternalOp saidYou don't tell a guy flat out that you aren't interested in him, that's the worst thing you can say to a person icon_lol.gif

    You just have to act distant, and hopefully they get the message .

    Even lie if you have to and say you're busy, not to hurt their feelings.


    I totally disagree. You will end hurting someone more with aloofness and silence. Tell him that you are not compatible. It may hurt initially, but the human spirit is resilient.He will get over it!
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    Jan 13, 2014 7:50 PM GMT
    Hi, it was really interesting to meet you last night. I got home safely thank you. I am sorry, but I don't really think we are a good match for a relationship. I wish you and your ugly face all the best for the future icon_smile.gif
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Jan 13, 2014 8:36 PM GMT
    do you know how i nervous i just got when i read the title of this thread, considering i hooked up with a guy named mike on saturday night and wanna keep hanging out? thank god you're a different mike lol..
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    Jan 14, 2014 12:05 AM GMT
    EternalOp saidYou don't tell a guy flat out that you aren't interested in him, that's the worst thing you can say to a person icon_lol.gif

    You just have to act distant, and hopefully they get the message .

    Even lie if you have to and say you're busy, not to hurt their feelings.


    This is a joke, right?

    I feel like the worst thing you can do is lie to a person or avoid telling them the truth to 'save their feelings'. C'mon, we're all adults. If someone can't handle rejection, they need to man up and learn how.

    I know exactly what the OP means when he said a guy goes off on a tangent if you say you're not interested. One time I told a guy I didn't think it would work out, and he went off on this big rant about how he "isn't going to change for anybody" and he's "a great person" (basically reassuring himself) when literally.. all I said was "I don't think it's gonna work out."

    OP: I would simply continue telling them "I don't think we'd work out." If they ask why, you can either tell them what you didn't like about them, or just say "I didn't feel like our personalities meshed well". I know I just preached about telling the truth, but an issue with telling someone individual things you didn't like is they'll almost always counter with how they're going to change or what they are doing to improve it. Like, "You were rude to the waitstaff and that told me a lot about your personality." - "I was only rude because they ! I'm not usually like that!" excuse excuse excuse.
  • Jockasian703

    Posts: 73

    Jan 14, 2014 1:50 AM GMT
    EternalOp saidYou don't tell a guy flat out that you aren't interested in him, that's the worst thing you can say to a person icon_lol.gif

    You just have to act distant, and hopefully they get the message .

    Even lie if you have to and say you're busy, not to hurt their feelings.


    I would think this is the worst thing you can do... act and give distance and make the other guy suffer and wonder whats going to happen next.

    Be honest and let them know how you feel is the best thing IMO. Even a friendly email after meeting... don't play games. At least i'm too old for game players.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2014 3:54 AM GMT
    Just be honest. Just tell him you're not feeling anything more than a friendship.
  • squally

    Posts: 180

    Jan 14, 2014 6:22 AM GMT
    I don't think anyone is out there to hurt another person intentionally for their own pleasure. That said, when it comes to that "final decision" time I believe honesty is best. Sugar coating something will only drag on, miscommunicate and the result will still be the same, no?

    You don't see a future with this individual, but if they do. Well that's too bad~ Or vice versa - Some people may have higher threshold for "incompatibility" and are willing to work on it.

    There are certain beliefs in this realm - Guys that believe they will find an almost perfect guy that fulfill their requirements right away VS Guys that believe they can find a guy they can "Mold" or "Work On" together to be each others needs. Obviously I am not saying they are exclusive beliefs but I believe we tend to think like that when it comes to dating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2014 9:24 PM GMT
    If a guy had the guts to tell me he isn't interested, I'd be hurt, but I'd tell him that I'm ultimately okay with that, and mad respect for manning up. Maybe we could be just friends? No commitment?
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Feb 03, 2014 5:22 PM GMT
    Tell them you're straight now. Nothing they can do about that icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2014 5:43 PM GMT
    You did good, he is a dumb who doesn't take good rejection. I don't think you were offensive to him, is just some people can't handle rejection. Yeah, anyone can feel sad about rejection, but you said he was near your age, so I guess he could be a bit more mature.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2014 10:51 PM GMT
    WRONG!

    You go on the date and just be yourself. Then once the dates over you go your separate ways then you message them and let them down gently

    Nobody likes to be rejected to their face
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2014 11:11 PM GMT
    Be honest… its the best thing… if its not there, it aint there!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2014 11:54 PM GMT
    I usually just tell him that *I think you're great but I can just see us more like a friendship level**. And leave it at that, don't go into nit-pick about his personality. If he constantly texting or call and doesn't get the hint, just ignored him completely.



  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 04, 2014 12:06 AM GMT
    I've been on both sides and I have to agree, definitely don't lie. Be up front and nicely let them down. It sucks when someone isn't into you when you are into them but eventually, time continues and you get over it eventually. If the guy flips out and insults you, don't take it to heart.

    I currently am dealing with a situation like that. A guy keeps messaging me online as he wants to meet but I'm just not into him. And he always creates new profiles so if you have something like that happen, it's best to ignore.

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    Feb 04, 2014 1:56 AM GMT
    Nirvana_Fan1991 saidIf the guy flips out and insults you, don't take it to heart.




    I wouldn't take it to heart, but I would definitely make a judgment on that guy's character. Not being able to handle rejection says a lot about someone.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Feb 04, 2014 5:31 AM GMT
    i always think that telling the potential,BEFORE, the date, what is going to happen, makes it easier, then the follow through is a cinch.

    I always make the first date an "interview" and nothing else.
    Tell him, that you have dated a lot of guys, and you are looking for something kinda specific, and it isnt about the looks. Like most people, you can tell in the first 10 seconds if someone is the right kind of guy, and you will make it short and sweet, so as not to waste his time, if there is no immediate chemistry...it wont mean you arent good enough or hot enough, just that I have dated enough guys to know what is good and bad for my eccentricities.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 6:04 AM GMT
    I met a date once at a pub... he was nowhere near as fit as in the photos, and looked 10 years older. I was so embarrassed to be seen with him I couldn't even make eye contact. Told him I had to go to the bathroom, where I quickly decided on what to do. When I returned, since he didn't get a drink yet and I didn't want to reject him in such a crowded place, I suggested we go for a walk. As soon as we were outside I told him "sorry, you're not what I expected, I don't want to waste both our times". He got the message and kept saying "it's ok, haha don't worry", before parting ways.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 6:57 AM GMT
    some of these posts icon_rolleyes.gif

    I don't have much experience with gay partnerships but isn't it work?, much like all relationships? isn't this why most of us gay men are single? always turning each other down for one excuse or another?

    If we are so like our straight women counterparts, then why are we so choosy? Unless the women looks like Kate Upton, you see many unattractive straight men with hot babes or the fat women, skinny man relationship. The opposite, especially for gay men, everything is a 'in your league' contest. The hot guys are only with other hot guys, the average joe is with other average joes. The fat guys are with other fat guys...etc

    The only strange looking pair up that I have seen in my travels were a 6'-5" hairy muscular white guy, dating a 5' skinny hairless Asian twink, kissing must be difficult, not sure what these two had in common but love?, really?

    I once went to meet, on a hook up, with a guy from on line, he was 'slightly' different in appearance in person than his profile pic, not much though. As we proceed to talk before getting down to it, he appeared apprehensive, he was suggesting because I am good looking, why I wasn't in a relationship, why we were hooking up if I could get a 'better looking guy' than him, I assured him that I was not that shallow and was just horny. He was "not into it" after that and I left, I was out of his "average" league.

    I was turned down for just sex because I was the better looking one, according to this man, WTF? icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 9:53 PM GMT
    scruffLA saidIf we are so like our straight women counterparts, then why are we so choosy?

    Women are mainly looking for a provider; someone to provide for and take care of them and the kids with their income. In other words, a hot guy who drives a delivery truck for UPS will always lose to an unattractive guy who's a lawyer or doctor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2014 12:15 AM GMT
    Exactly agreed with lumpy, who says that we're mostly like women? We're gay but we're still men. I have this friend, after about 2 heart breaks and 1 divorce, she basically gave up on her nursing job and married this dude 11 years older than her in 11 months and moved to Lake Forest/Irvine. Now she's happy being a housewife! Exactly, women don't care so much about look but their husband's bank account(s)! This only proves that poor hot guys usually are Bartenders in L.A. and the older/usually chubbier record/movie exec guys can bag a hot wife like Miss Puetro Rico/Miss Universe. (Ok, I've been watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules way too much). icon_eek.gif

    Lumpyoatmeal said
    scruffLA saidIf we are so like our straight women counterparts, then why are we so choosy?

    Women are mainly looking for a provider; someone to provide for and take care of them and the kids with their income. In other words, a hot guy who drives a delivery truck for UPS will always lose to an unattractive guy who's a lawyer or doctor.
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    Feb 05, 2014 7:24 AM GMT
    scruffLA saidsome of these posts icon_rolleyes.gif

    I don't have much experience with gay partnerships but isn't it work?, much like all relationships? isn't this why most of us gay men are single? always turning each other down for one excuse or another? icon_rolleyes.gif

    Yeah, relationships are work. First dates are not, and they are not relationships either. They're just an interview to find out if you might possibly have enough in common for another date. There is either chemistry or there isn't, and most guys know that very fast. If it's not there, it's not there.