Suicide?

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    Jan 15, 2014 1:29 AM GMT
    This is hard for me to publicly talk about this and i'm sorry if its long and boring icon_sad.gif

    -ok so im a 40 year old guy and very unhappy and suicidal. and its all because i cannot get a grip on being gay! wow pretty sad for a 40 yr old dude! i should have done this in my early 20's!!

    but anyways the history:VERY religious southern Baptist upbringing. I knew i was gay at 12 years old, I'm still confused at the guys that say they didn't realize it till much later? like i was obsessed with boys in middle school on! But anyways, all i did was fantasize as i could never act on that...My mind was so brainwashed that I knew i would go to hell and get AIDS if i even touched a boy... So through school i hid the fact i was gay and was just very shy and reserved, which i think you have to be because your hiding something so big.

    there was no even possibility of coming out to my parents are anyone, esp in the 80's! my dad would have kicked me out of the house.

    I was extremely homophobic, and maybe still am a little.
    i was scared of gay guys, well everything taught us to be just that. shit i was terrified of myself!

    I would not even admit to myself that i was gay back then. I believed that being gay was a choice and i had to choose not to be gay...so i did!

    So out of high school i began my straight life. I married a girl and we had 3 kids. we stayed married for 12 years. towards the end of the marriage it fell apart fast as my wife was 30 ( I think that's their primes?)
    So see found out that having sex 2x per year was not normal...and she basically turned into a whore...literally....
    Sadly she had sex with just about ALL my friends..I was almost revealed oddly, as at least I knew I never had to fuck her again...GOD i hated to have sex with her!
    Worked out great we divorced, It looked like her fault, everything was perfect!
    I was like 34ish and i finally had to admit i was really gay...Knew it all along, but admitted that religion, the choice thing, was all a scam..
    So the next 2 years was very depressing, I put all my energy in raising my 2 boys, she got the girl.
    I obviously broke off with all my friends, plus i didnt want them to know about "ME".
    So 2-3 years of nothing...no friends, no dating, no being me...just having fun with the kids..
    So I was a depressed "asshole" "dickhead" (still am i guess) and my mom always picked on me about why i'm so unhappy..... It was like when are you going to start dating, getting a girl friend? you'd be much happier! Yadda yadda yadda...like every day!
    Finally i wrote her a long letter and told her i was gay...
    And its hard to say i was gay because at that point i had never been with a guy! yeah like 37 and virgin with guys, wow....
    I told her that too and of coarse she would say "how do you know your gay then?"...
    still to this day i can tell she "hopes" i'm just confused.
    So both parents (after a cool down period) are accepting IF that's what i am and it makes me happy.
    My Dad died about 6 months after coming out to them and he wispered in my ear a day before he died that he accepted me being gay.
    So anyways i'm a LTR kinda guy, and gay guys like arnt LTR focused alot?
    I did "craigslist" a young guy and hooked up with him for a couple months...I was good...I did feel shameful after sex though..I just didnt love him and thought i was using him just to experiment so i broke it off.
    I made out with a guy i met on Grindr and we did oral.
    so over the last say 3 years i've had sex with one guy(1st time) and oral with another guy.
    My "coming out" consisted of : telling my family, not getting any friends (therefore no one to tell), not telling anyone at work(unless they asked), I seem very straight so not many ask. So basically i have one foot in the closet but just not intentionally.
    I'm scared to actually make friends, Because they always "assume" i'm straight and i don't want to live a lie anymore and i know i will just play straight then...
    so therefore its just easier to be a loner in my own little gay world.
    My kids are off to college so now i'm completely alone and very unhappy... i really just have no will to live at all. I've never really felt "love" before and as awesome as it sounds i just dont think it can happen for me.
    I'm too scared to actually meet up with any gay guys anymore. Its like i want to have sex, but just too scared to have it....Plus what if i'm no good at it?
    PLUS the whole eating guys butts just doesn't sit well with me, what if they want to do that?
    I've been to 5 psychiatrists and they all want to admit me in the hospital because i'm suicidal. but thats not the answer and would make it worse.
    Its not like im mental. its that i fucked up and had horrible sex with a girl (for a long time) . So instead of being "excited" to have sex with someone i'm literally scared to death! I've never really had "good" sex...And for me to do that i would have to date a guy for a while before i did that. but it seems gay guys have sex right when they meet and then exchange names after haha ...
    I'm tired of being alone, but isolating myself so much over the last 5 years has given me crazy anxiety to actual do anything now!
    its an easier to just die then to climb the wall to actual go meet good people.
    And i'm fucking old now!!
    And another BIG problem. Is why am I only super attracted you younger, hot, skinny guys with abs???
    A guy my age with a gut, hairy, ect just does absolutely nothing for me....
    on of my doctors said its because i've never acted on my gayness till so late that i'm still so envious of my high school crushes and thats why they are so attractive to me? i'm basically very immature sexually..
    the fix here is easy, "just go out and meet people" ...but you have no idea how hard that is!
    And i'm still not fully accepting of who i am...
    I'm still not comfortable just telling strangers that i'm gay...
    And you do need to in allot of situations.
    I actually thought i was going to get this big reward from God for fighting this gay thing for so long, that's how Christian brainwashed I was...
    It just hurts and pisses me off...I just want to die and see 1st hand what this Bible shit really is! ha
    probably all a bunch of BS (bible) but i let that shit ruin my life.
    So thats were im at. No friends, live alone, basically living like a loner straight man. I talk to gay guys on sites like this, grindr, ect...But only meet up with one guy thus far...Many offers but just make an excuse of why i cannot meet...then they give up naturally..pretty sad...My only sex is jerking off to porn watching young guys masturbate icon_sad.gif
    So my thought is to die now before i get really old, then i could never get the 20 yr old guys then...




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    Jan 15, 2014 1:42 AM GMT
    I have to think about this one... a lot.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 15, 2014 1:47 AM GMT
    Russ suicide is never the answer!!! You have many loved ones that care and need you around for a long time. You can still get guys in their 20's you would just need to be more outgoing. So many young gym built men like older guys. I suggest you seek out a real Doc not a real jock to discuss the things you mention.

    Don't self hate!!

    good luck keep us all posted.
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:11 AM GMT
    Brother,, you need you some gay friends, first and foremost! If you don't live in a city where there are many gay guys, then move there.
    You kinda need to hit the Reset button on your life and start over. The right guy is out there for you.
    Trust me. I get enough mail here to know there's plenty of 20 somethings that love men your age.

    Feel free to PM me if you need more ideas.
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:17 AM GMT
    A lot of us older guys here can relate to what you are going thru. I can (except for the marriage and 3 kids thing) and I know that suicide is not the answer. I've had those feelings but I have people who I love and don't want to leave. You have your kids. They need you and love you. Do you want to miss seeing them graduate from college, get married, have you a mess of grandkids? Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. There are some great guys right here on RJ and all of us here are more than willing to help you. Wishing you all the best.
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:22 AM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidRuss suicide is never the answer!!! You have many loved ones that care and need you around for a long time. You can still get guys in their 20's you would just need to be more outgoing. So many young gym built men like older guys. I suggest you seek out a real Doc not a real jock to discuss the things you mention.

    Don't self hate!!

    good luck keep us all posted.


    Good advice, Mike, although he did say, "I've been to 5 psychiatrists and they all want to admit me in the hospital because i'm suicidal. but thats not the answer and would make it worse."

    I believe what he's looking for is opinions of gay men, and to try and explore his feelings about gay men ...with gay men. The clinical approach is already being addressed. icon_wink.gif

    Russ, Mikemikemike has given you some good advice:
    "Russ suicide is never the answer!!! You have many loved ones that care and need you around for a long time. You can still get guys in their 20's you would just need to be more outgoing. So many young gym built men like older guys."

    ...and I'll add that your Dad gave you something priceless in that whisper; he wished you well. As well, there are plenty of men in their 30s and 40s that are slim and very fit. I think it would be better to make some gay platonic friendships so that you have buddies to hang out with and go places with and check out romantic possibilities with. Not with them, you go out together and do a little cruising, lol.
    There's a whole wide world of gay people of every different stripe out there.

    warmly, -Doug
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:24 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidDude, you've got a lot there. I'm just gonna touch a couple of points and others will chime in too. And I guess that's the first message: more than anything, gays *are* a community...you were right to reach out to us for support. I can't imagine what you've been going through, what others have put you through, and what you've been putting yourself through, but I've been suicidal in my life, so I'll relate to that.

    You are 40...congrats on that! You've made it through a lot already...you're clearly quite strong. And while this has been simmering for a long while and building up pressure in you, the good news is this: it's not an "emergency" like a broken leg. You've gotten on fine thus far; you still have plenty of time to figure this out (so please give yourself some slack). You're also not the first person to try to do what society told him to for so long in his life until he realized that, while well-meaning, the people he had around him just didn't have the answers. There's more good news there: coming out at 40 is actually quite common (not even that uncommon for straights, think of the '40 Year Old Virgin', haha). There is a lot of support material for you, and I'm sure this thread will point you in the direction of some of it.

    There's also a lot of support available from gay people who love their Lord and really wrestled with their own heartbreaking fears that they were disappointing Him. That's love, isn't it? --Love of your Lord. You can choose to keep your faith, and transmute it from something that causes you grief to something that causes you joy, just as Jesus transmuted water into wine. Or you can take some (or many) steps away from your religion, and keep a personal faith, or even live the life God apparently designed for you as an agnostic, if you choose. ALL of those views and paths are represented here on RJ; I hope you hear from several of them.

    On being gay, let's just start with what you've done in your post: it's really just feeling of a closer intimacy with guys than with girls, and that's pretty much it. In a sense, you just "came out" to us (congrats again). God seemed to make a lot of us, lesbians too, to balance, and bisexuals to even the spread; and this appears to happen across God's animal kingdom too (it appears to be His plan). It's about loving another person first. If that person happens to be the same sex as you, your options of expressing that love physically just change. Yes, some guys have anal sex because they know that sense of penetrative closeness is important to them (and obviously vaginal sex isn't possible), but that's all it is: two people expressing their love with the bits God gave 'em. And plenty of gay men (>30%?) express their love for their partners without any anal play at all. So let's put the "butt-ickyness" away...it's not even inherently gay: lots and lots of heterosexuals also enjoy that expression of sexual intimacy.

    Most importantly, please don't do anything so rash as to attempt to kill yourself. It is a last desperate attempt to change your life and solve your problems. The sad irony is: if it works, you won't be around to enjoy the results, so please recognize it is always a false solution. A better solution: just throw out the parts of your life that aren't working...the anti-gay dogma, the worries about families and friends, all of it. That's what you would essentially be doing by killing yourself, right? --You can do all of that and still live...more than live, truly be 'born again' into a well adjusted, productive and happy member of his community (who just happens to be gay).

    I've already gone longer than I wanted to, but I hope there's something helpful there. Please consider more help from professionals (no one does their own heart surgery....it's not weakness to ask for help here). Do take it slow, enjoy (yes ENJOY) this journey, and know there is a new day after this temporary darkness. Big hugs. And again, good for you for taking this step today and reaching out to us.

    -Dave


    *salutes Dave*
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:25 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidBrother,, you need you some gay friends, first and foremost! If you don't live in a city where there are many gay guys, then move there.
    You kinda need to hit the Reset button on your life and start over. The right guy is out there for you.
    Trust me. I get enough mail here to know there's plenty of 20 somethings that love men your age.

    Feel free to PM me if you need more ideas.



    lol, and *salutes TheGuyNextDoor*

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    Jan 15, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    flguy57 saidA lot of us older guys here can relate to what you are going thru. I can (except for the marriage and 3 kids thing) and I know that suicide is not the answer. I've had those feelings but I have people who I love and don't want to leave. You have your kids. They need you and love you. Do you want to miss seeing them graduate from college, get married, have you a mess of grandkids? Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. There are some great guys right here on RJ and all of us here are more than willing to help you. Wishing you all the best.



    ....aaannnd *salutes flguy57*

    *grins warmly at Russ*

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    Jan 15, 2014 2:38 AM GMT
    Let me also echo the support that others on this thread have already expressed so eloquently. I'm rooting for you too! The best is yet to come for you. Please take care of yourself and take things one day at a time.

    David
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:44 AM GMT
    This a lot to digest from just reading. You have had a pretty hard life for just one person. It is sad that you were made to believe all your life that who you are is wrong. Being gay is NOT your fault. You have a lot going on but taking your own life should never be an option. You need to break those negative thoughts about being gay and stop worrying about what other people think of you. Honey, this is your life and life is too short. Your worrying is affecting you negatively to the point where you are blowing off potential mates, guys who could have ended these feelings eventually. Again, being gay is NOT your fault.

    You'll never know the true happiness of being yourself if you do not take the risk. And even if these relationships go sour, pppftt so what? There are a lot of other guys that would date you. Either way, you will get more familiar with 'gay life' and that's a plus, right? Make some friends while you are at it. I suggest you look for a support group for gay/bi males that are dealing with coming out issues as well.

    That anxiety you feel is a social phobia that comes from your worry about being scrutinized or negatively evaluated by people and is perpetuating your fears which in turn, make you more anxious. Do you fear rejection? If so, don't let that bother you. We all get rejected in some way or another. Also, those homophobic thoughts you have as well are keeping you back. What's the point of being gay and homophobic, right? Your monologue is ridden with gay stereotypes and what you should focus more on is not what gay people would do (because straight people do it too), but what is right for you and no one else.
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:52 AM GMT
    Kuestion saidGuys please ignore the troll, this thread isn't the place.

    I agree. Now where were we? Oh yeah, OP you are who you are and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
    There's many a guy out there that you're perfect for.
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:55 AM GMT
    Kuestion saidGuys please ignore the troll, this thread isn't the place.


    It isn't. However we can turn this around. Russ this EternalOP thingy is exactly the kind of person to avoid. They come in every gender and orientation. They are heartless, so beware of them, and realize they are not representative of gay, but rather bigotry.

    icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 15, 2014 2:58 AM GMT
    Russ,

    I hope you'll listen carefully to what I have to say. I too was raised in a strict Baptist home. Few people can relate to that kind of religious abuse but I certainly can. You seem to feel like you've done everything wrong, but I don't think you can see the things you've done correctly. First of all, getting out of that marriage was the best thing you could have done. Just sit back and take a deep breath and think how much better off you are now. Secondly, you've already opened your eyes to the brainwashing. Most people never get that far. It just sucks the life out of them until they die. You're way ahead of the game! I think the problem is, you're alone and lonely and that makes any problems seem much worse than they are. Plus you have many misconceptions about gay men that are causing you needless stress. First of all, yeah a lot of men want to have sex right away but many of us don't. Same with straight people. And assuming every gay men expects you to eat their ass is nonsense too. Everyone is an individual and has to treated as such. You get to decide what you want to do and not do when you're with another guy. As long as you're upfront and honest, you'll eventually meet the right guys (although probably not on Grindr!)

    Right now you need gay friends that you can talk to. (Most) of the guys on this site are great dudes and will go to great lengths to help you. We do have a couple of bad apples as you've already seen. When someone makes rude comments like that "Eternalop" idiot, just click the "ignore his posts" button and you won't have to see that garbage again.

    Are you currently feeling suicidal?
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:18 AM GMT
    Guys.....please click the link below and report "Eternalop" for abuse. I realize we all say things that piss each other off, but harassing a guy who is having suicidal thoughts is totally crossing the line.

    Here's the link: http://www.realjock.com/help
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidGuys.....please click the link below and report "Eternalop" for abuse. I realize we all say things that piss each other off, but harassing a guy who is having suicidal thoughts is totally crossing the line.

    Here's the link: http://www.realjock.com/help


    yes, enough already.

    bye.
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:25 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidGuys.....please click the link below and report "Eternalop" for abuse. I realize we all say things that piss each other off, but harassing a guy who is having suicidal thoughts is totally crossing the line.

    Here's the link: http://www.realjock.com/help


    Done.

    RJ is mostly mindless entertainment but RJ also serves a few of us who are suffering from not being able to accept ourselves.

    I can be proud to be a part of a community of guys who care enough to offer their wisdom to a member like Russ. Most of the guys above want to give whatever support they can.

    Reading EternalOp makes me disgusted. He doesn't have the right to destroy this site and what good it can sometimes provide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:26 AM GMT
    Stick with your psychologist and do Exactly what they tell you to do.

    You were right to say you "never really felt "love" before" because you definitely had it, and still do. You just can't accept the fact that people care about you and Love you like your parents and children, who All need you. Don't Ever put a random persons feelings above your families even if you are feeling needy for some outside attention. We All do this at times but just know who comes first, I'm sure you do.

    Nothing anyone says here is going to give you anything more than a momentary psychological boost, nothing permanent which is what a psychologist can help offer you, they know what they are talking about. Find one you Like, and Trust... they have ones specifically to help with LGBT problems if you Google it

    Also God still loves you, don't let some misinterpreted page in the Bible bring you down, or even worse Dis God! Which you Have done. When you come back to God you will understand you did that and you need to repent on this. For a better piece of mind on this situation I suggest you doing your own research, and not letting people blindly feed you their own beliefs.

    I believe if you start trying to get your self back to a better place then God will Always provide the time for you to do so, or at least to prove to Him you truly are a better person

    You are a handsome older man, but I don't know how well large age gaps in a relationship can work, from my findings as someone who has been more so interested in older guys in my life thus far it never works out well. Though as long as you only are doing things with guys 18 and up, and are willing to treat a younger guy like someone who is on your level and not beneath you things could possibly workout. But don't get depressed again when a young guy breaks your heart. Us young guys are still figuring things out too and maybe the ones you meet will find they want someone they have more in common with or someone who will age with them

    I think it is definitely best for you to seek the help of a Psychologist first, Then see what that does for your love life. I am not saying close yourself off from love right now, but getting help to improve yourself is definitely the Number 1 thing to do Now

    Hope I helped. Truly none of us can do what you want us to do for you. . .
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:29 AM GMT
    EternalOp saidBack to OP.

    Yeah I think he is still young and needs to make a lot of friends. Family support is also needed, and also get a dog!! Also seek professional help, a team effort is needed to get you out of your whirlpool. Also hang out with us here.

    Slowly and surely you will recover . There are a lot of guys in your situation so don't feel alone. At least you have children to live for!!


    Do you live alone? Think about getting a roommate or relative for the time being. It's very important icon_smile.gif


    OH now you gonna be all supportive and stuff. Hahaha too late, bye bye EternalOp, start thinking of your new troll name. hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:30 AM GMT
    Kuestion saidGuys please ignore the troll, this thread isn't the place.


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:44 AM GMT
    The thing you have to do is embrace and become comfortable with who you are. As someone else who was raised somewhat traditional Baptist, I feel where you are coming from, but it can be overcome. The first step is to look at yourself in the mirror and value yourself, you have a life and it is worth living if you really take the initiative to build one that embraces who you are. Suicide is never the answer at any age, but at 40, you are still young and have plenty of time to live a happy, fulfilled life.

    You've really got to surround yourself with a good circle of people, make good friends, not just gay ones, but straight ones that are gay friendly and will be supportive. There are activity groups and support groups out there where you can get together to socialize. If you reach out to the right people and build a network of support.
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    Jan 15, 2014 3:50 AM GMT
    The way I see it is, you have nothing to gain by killing yourself. If you missed out on so much in your life, why take it? and not start living it?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 15, 2014 3:59 AM GMT
    Yes, get all the support you can, both in RL and here or elsewhere. Ignore the trolls. Get to know guys here. Most of us don't bite. Play with us in the forums. Let yourself be serious and silly. You're alright. You can have a great life. And, yeah, you don't have to do *anything* sexually you don't want to.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 15, 2014 4:45 AM GMT
    First, to the original poster on this board, I feel for your anguished situation. Coming out late in life isn't easy, specially after all the obstacles you've faced--religion, family, and community forces have kept you closeted and from living your true life. Please, please do not commit suicide. As many have pointed out, suicide will not solve a thing--it's indeed a false solution and a permanent solution to a temporary situation. You would only be hurting your family and children if you commit suicide. Your pain will not end with your death, but will continue to anguish the lives of all around you.

    Living as a gay man takes courage, and it's courage that you're beginning to discover. It's that courage which brought you to these boards and share your situation. It's that courage which is slowly unfolding in your life and you're finally becoming the empowered, mature gay man you were always meant to be. Please heed all the advice giving in this thread--GuyNextDoor, YourName2000 and others have given great advice.

    Don't despair about your current situation. Continue to make strides in making gay friends, discover the gay community, and continue to take small steps and date. No one comes out of the closet as some fully-formed gay man and you don't have to adhere to the standards of 'mainsteam' gays. Go to to Pride events. Get involved with gay organizations. And take it very, very easy in getting to know and getting intimate with men. Don't be discourage. We all have had to struggle with coming out and dealing with men-on-men intimacy. It's not something you become comfortable with overnight. And, FYI, I know of at least one men who discovered he was gay before reaching 40 and he was married with two children. You're not alone in your experience.

    .........


    On A separate note, I've reported EternalOP for abuse, as Scruffy encouraged above, and I'm going to encourage others to please do so right away. EternalOP is a troll, proven to be a female using fake pictures to post on the boards. The opinions and contradictory stories posted by EternalOP/Solomono/Failscarf do not match and are a constant irritant on these boards. It's about time something was done about this fake person. I hope RJ admins take prompt action.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2014 4:58 AM GMT
    Thanks guys! wow didnt think so many were on this site..

    one thing bothering that my fellow dickhead said was "pedophile"
    The definition for that word is a sexual attraction to prepubescent children. this would now a days constitute kids 11 years and younger...

    How can you be ignorant and use that word to describe an adult that is attracted to adults???

    An actually the age of consent in the USA is 16( with restrictions) many other country's are 16 (without restrictions).

    So anyway this was obviously a HUGE use that destroyed me mentally is because of that WORD (pedo)

    Its and insulting word, very close to calling someone a "FAG" or actually maybe the same.

    So shame on you dude, that word is just a hate word and used without meaning.

    I'm not sure anyone can really choose what they are attracted to???

    Is attraction a choice? Like some like fat, tall, skinny, young, old, blond, black, asian, latin, ect....if you have a strong attraction to a certain group is it a choice??

    So i have beaten myself up about why am i attracted to this "age group"?
    -But I believe I have to just accept it. Say ok you like young, deal with it....just make sure its legal and stay over 18.....

    And then of coarse I'm hoping, after I explore my sexuality that maybe my attraction age group will widen upwards? But I have to get out there and pursue friends and meet's to see what happens which is whats hard.

    but yeah pedo guy, read the dictionary dude!

    everyone else thanks!