Is this the "expectation" of straight people?

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    Jan 19, 2014 5:17 AM GMT
    Saw a friend today that was passing through town, that I hadn't seen in years. He was one of the first people I came out to almost 20 years ago....and is straight, single, dentist.
    One of his first comments to me was...."have you gotten HIV, YET?"
    ....I was left almost speechless!...and then said "NO"...."what makes you ask?" ....to which he said....."all the gays I know are HIV+....just assumed it was part of the membership package".....

    I am STUNNED and that is not easy to do....
    So is this an expectation and normal "rite of gay membership" that I am not aiming for, that the straight world assumes of gays?

    This friend and I have known each other for 40 years....and are known to "yank each others chains" for shock value...but this was not in that same friendly barb.....icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 19, 2014 5:27 AM GMT
    After I came out to my family, my oldest sister changed her greeting to me. In the past she always said "how are you doing?" After I came out she would say "how are you feeling?" I kept ignoring it until finally I just went off on her. I said "do you actually think every gay person has AIDS?" She denied she meant anything by it but I'm not an idiot.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 19, 2014 5:28 AM GMT
    Not sure how close of friends you are, but would find that really rude and appalling. I remember when that came out as a joke among straights:
    You know what gay stands for?
    No, what?

    G A Y
    o I e
    t D t
    . S

    or if you had trouble reading that:

    Got
    Aids
    Yet

    Maybe he's been under a rock.
    Straight men can some times have a really stupid sense of humor.
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    Jan 19, 2014 5:34 AM GMT
    Shoulda said, "You're single and I assume you're not celibate. So, have YOU gotten it yet?"
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:00 AM GMT
    Sporty_G saidSaw a friend today that was passing through town, that I hadn't seen in years. He was one of the first people I came out to almost 20 years ago....and is straight, single, dentist.
    One of his first comments to me was...."have you gotten HIV, YET?"
    ....I was left almost speechless!...and then said "NO"...."what makes you ask?" ....to which he said....."all the gays I know are HIV+....just assumed it was part of the membership package".....

    I am STUNNED and that is not easy to do....
    So is this an expectation and normal "rite of gay membership" that I am not aiming for, that the straight world assumes of gays?

    This friend and I have known each other for 40 years....and are known to "yank each others chains" for shock value...but this was not in that same friendly barb.....icon_eek.gif
    Exactly how many gays does he know?
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:06 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidAfter I came out to my family, my oldest sister changed her greeting to me. In the past she always said "how are you doing?" After I came out she would say "how are you feeling?" I kept ignoring it until finally I just went off on her. She denied she meant anything by it but I'm not an idiot.


    I bet she went back to her old greeting when you told her off. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:08 AM GMT
    Maybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:10 AM GMT
    xrichx saidMaybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.


    tumblr_m7ojn7pwwP1qb6t6wo1_400.gif
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:23 AM GMT
    It was a very audacious thing to say (lol straight guys) but in his defense, statistically not wholly inaccurate. As much as I hate to admit it.
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:31 AM GMT
    xrichx saidMaybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.


    Thanks for the suggestion....but you are late to the party.... and apparently missing the points of either post...
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:33 AM GMT
    I would have been very offended by that also!!! I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Some friend( or at this point, no so much). It really upsets me how uneducated,closed minded, and downright dumb, some straight guys are about gay culture!!!
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:35 AM GMT
    Sporty_G said
    xrichx saidMaybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.


    Thanks for the suggestion....but you are late to the party.... and apparently missing the points of either post...
    So did you call him out on it? Or did you just brush it off and assume he was yanking your chain?
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:35 AM GMT
    You really just have to laugh at the ignorance. What some straight people think won't change reality.
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    Jan 19, 2014 6:41 AM GMT
    xrichx said
    Sporty_G said
    xrichx saidMaybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.


    Thanks for the suggestion....but you are late to the party.... and apparently missing the points of either post...
    So did you call him out on it? Or did you just brush it off and assume he was yanking your chain?


    called him on it...very bluntly.....and asked him when his single 52 year old ass was going to just make it out of the closet or if his trampy ass was afraid to catch something? ....and yeah he knows many gay people...
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 19, 2014 6:53 AM GMT
    Sporty_G said
    xrichx said
    Sporty_G said
    xrichx saidMaybe OP should run a background check on his friend. He might be affiliated to some close minded religious cults.


    Thanks for the suggestion....but you are late to the party.... and apparently missing the points of either post...
    So did you call him out on it? Or did you just brush it off and assume he was yanking your chain?


    called him on it...very bluntly.....and asked him when his single 52 year old ass was going to just make it out of the closet or if his trampy ass was afraid to catch something? ....and yeah he knows many gay people...

    Maybe you should have asked him if this was his way of coming out to you icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 19, 2014 7:06 AM GMT
    I'd just reply "Got herpes yet?"
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    Jan 19, 2014 9:45 AM GMT
    Take it as an opportunity to research some facts and educate him a little (and possibly yourself as well). It was a bit crass but don't we all say inappropriate things like that from time to time? I know I do. Also, if he is a dentist he may be basing it on what he remembers of medical records of patients, off the top of his head.
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    Jan 19, 2014 11:17 AM GMT
    Maybe he was coming on to you. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 19, 2014 11:41 AM GMT
    Sporty_G said
    So is this an expectation and normal "rite of gay membership" that I am not aiming for, that the straight world assumes of gays?

    I've related here about a similar experience I had at a private dinner party and musical soirée. An apparently well-educated middle-aged woman asked me:

    "How long is it before gays get AIDS?"

    I was shocked. But I kept my composure and smilingly explained that first, AIDS and HIV are separate medical conditions. And second, that most gay men do NOT have either HIV or AIDS. Nor is it preordained they will ever contract them, if they don't practice unsafe sex. Which many gay men, including myself, don't do, being safe and remaining uninfected.

    But this is the kind of misinformation that is out there. And much of it is deliberate harmful propaganda, spread by our homophobic enemies. And I know you can guess what political & religious affiliations & interests they represent.
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    Jan 19, 2014 12:15 PM GMT
    In this case, seeing that he's a long time friend, it was most likely he was just getting it out on the table; sure in the knowledge you or others he knows wouldn't want to talk about it--at least I would hope so.
    My younger sisters reaction to me coming out was to ask if I was well, thinking the only reason I'd come out was because I was ill.
    I find a lot of heteros are pretty ignorant to the how's and why's of HIV.
    A few years back, after her divorce, a female friend called crying wanting to know how it was possible the hot "straight" guy she was with the night before could be Positive and continued to ask all sorts of questions, I'd assumed most people should know by now.
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    Jan 19, 2014 3:26 PM GMT
    okonomiyaki saidShoulda said, "You're single and I assume you're not celibate. So, have YOU gotten it yet?"

    And that you should.
    This is a friend?
    What kind of friend asks a question like that so coldy?
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    Jan 19, 2014 3:47 PM GMT

    That is a gross assumption I've heard...
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    Jan 19, 2014 4:00 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter said
    okonomiyaki saidShoulda said, "You're single and I assume you're not celibate. So, have YOU gotten it yet?"

    And that you should.
    This is a friend?
    What kind of friend asks a question like that so coldy?

    Okono can answer in his own turn, but when that lady I mentioned above, whom I'd only met socially a few times, asked me that similar question, she knew I was gay, at the dinner with my husband.

    And I felt her unspoken implication was that both my husband & I either already had AIDS, or would eventually. Same as all other gays would in her mind.

    But while insulting to us on the one hand, I really felt I was dealing with simple ignorance, and not malice or intentional rudeness. Although for an apparently well-bred woman I did find it a bit graceless.

    So I used it as an opportunity for education, not for criticism. I can certainly be vicious with our sworn enemies, but with the misinformed I assume they're still receptive to new information & viewpoints. I can't be sure I "sold" her that evening, but I did my best to be an ambassador for gays. And that's the way I think we should all handle these potentially awkward encounters.
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    Jan 19, 2014 4:03 PM GMT
    If the story was told accurately then it sounds like the dentist was being a douche, hitting below the shock value belt, indicating underlying issues.

    Yesterday on our walk together, I was discussing with a hetero, retired sex therapist who was unaware of how frequently we are mistreated by str8s even when they do it unconsciously or rather more subtly than asking about HIV status without taking us to dinner first.

    The conversation came about in discussing how some str8 people were set up by mutual friends so I mentioned how no str8 friend ever did that for me. (She went to work immediately on that and already called me with her hook-me-up efforts, so cute.)

    I've been aware of this forever: how I was never quite treated as a widow though widowed twice. Nobody ever brought me a casserole. Since losing my 2nd bud and a few other deaths and betrayals, I said to my brother just the other night that I'm having a real tough time living life alone. He says to me, but you've always been on your own. He put me in fucking shock.

    I hate it but can almost understand him not considering me in a relationship during my 10-year, long distance, open LTR as my brother was never there to listen in to our conversations for the five years before my bud's death of us discussing eventually spending the rest of our lives together once our circumstances would come together. But for my first 10 years of sleeping with a bed-wetter (so I'm pretty sure that was undeniably real), I've photos of my brother with us together up on the flybridge. So how does he get to revise that memory, telling me I was always alone. Damn it.

    It's because they don't think we are as human as they are. It's how they get to deny us our human rights. That we don't have the same feelings about ourselves or our relationships as they do. They think they are superior even when they don't outright say it.

    As if a dentist who deals with sharp objects and blood all day long doesn't risk exposure to HIV. That's something that only happens to gay dentists who don't enjoy the divine protection of God and societal assurances of marriage rites.

    Sometimes I hate them for what they do to us.
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    Jan 19, 2014 4:36 PM GMT
    There is no 'the straight community'. I don't get this, any more than I get 'the gay community'. Neither are monolithic structures.

    -intrigued and confuzzled