Dumped for a fat bear

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    Jan 20, 2014 2:39 AM GMT
    [Warning: this is going to be a novel. I understand that most of you will have no interest in reading it. I'm just writing it because I feel like I need to write it. There will be a tl;dr version at the end.]

    Three and a half years ago I met a twink online that I actually liked (I'm usually only into muscular guys). He was very attracted to me and said I was his type because he was "a sucker for buff guys". We really connected over a little-known musician we both really liked. But he was super flakey so despite constant attempts at meeting up and him cancelling and then apologizing profusely afterwards and trying to get me to meet up again and again and again... we never actually met up.

    This past summer I had a dream about the guy--a very innocent dream: we were hanging out, I found out that favorite musician of ours was touring to our town, so when he left to make a phone call, I bought tickets. When he returned, I told him that musician was going to be in town and he said "I know! I just bought myself a ticket!" and I was super bummed that I couldn't then give him the ticket I bought for him (something similar happened in real life a couple years before).

    I couldn't shake the feeling when I woke up that I should contact him. So I sent him a facebook message telling him about the dream. He was amused.

    That should probably have been the end of the story, except that I just couldn't shake the feeling I had that I NEEDED to finally meet him to see if the chemistry that I suspected might be there was. As luck would have it, I was just about to start working on a music project that could use his expertise so I contacted him to see if he would want to collaborate. He did and came over the next week to jam. He was much more attractive than I thought he might be. Again, I wasn't into him because of his looks--he wasn't really my type--and judging by his recent facebook pics I thought he might have gotten chubby. I was actually attracted to him because of his personality (as projected through facebook and our messages/texts) and musical talents. But he was actually not only chubby but even slightly athletic looking. Still not really my type, but I found it interesting that I was physically attracted to him.

    The next day he texted me and asked if we could hang out, see a movie or something. We had a few drinks after the movie. I brought up the fact that I'd noticed that he's never been in a relationship, at least not publicly on facebook, during the time I knew him. He said that was because there was never anyone he was into that was into him back. He mentioned that he had been recently hooking up with a bear who didn't want anything more from him than sex, so he stopped seeing him. I clarified and found out he was into "blond bears". Being neither blond nor a bear, I realized he was not into me.

    But then, while I walked him toward his home, he asked if it would be okay if we kissed... I gave in, and it was perfect. In retrospect, he was flirting super heavily the whole night. I was elated but very confused.

    The next time we hung out was for a day hike, and when I left, I leaned in to kiss him but there was some awkwardness as if he was hesitant. The kiss ended up happening, but it felt "off". I texted him later and apologized for it, saying I must have read the situation wrong and assumed he was down for it. He said that he only hesitated because he was surprised I was into it... that made no sense to me considering our previous kiss and the fact that I initiated this second one, but I took him at his word and didn't think much of it.

    More mostly-platonic dates followed (biking, hiking, minigolf, movies) which each ended in a kiss.

    Then sex happened: he suggested he come over to watch some movies at my place, and then of course when we went back to my bedroom we fooled around (probably the best oral sex I've ever received). He was the one who initiated it and was super into it and very complimentary about me and all that stuff.

    The guy and I continued seeing each other, and sex continued happening, and continued being awesome. But then there was a three week period where plans kept falling through and he kept insisting he was super busy with work. I was pretty sure he had lost interest, but he was pretty persistant about trying to meet up. The only free time I had that week was seeing a movie with my best friend and said he could come along if he wanted, if it wasn't "too early to meet the best friend". He said he would love to meet her. I took that as a good sign that maybe we were on the right track after all. That night we again had awesome sex, and the next day I finally got up the nerve to ask: was this just casual or were we on the road to relationship-land? He said that he had been meaning to bring this up for a while, but hadn't. He explained that this whole time he's been seeing someone else as well (understandable, we never had "the talk") and that the other guy had been frustrated and didn't want to be "number two" on his list... so.... it would be best if we continued hanging out, but removed the physical aspect.

    I was shocked because it honestly seemed like it was progressing quite nicely... up until that three week bump. But then he said he really wanted to meet my best friend and the sex after that was good...

    So what would have happened had I never brought the situation up? Would we have continued going on dates and having sex? When was he planing on breaking things off with me and focusing on the other guy? Only when I brought it up? What if I never had brought it up?

    Anyways, I was super bummed at it. Mostly annoyed at myself for having read the situation completely wrong.

    But then I finally saw a picture of his boyfriend: a fat ol' blond bear. And you know what? I feel a LOT better. Because if that's what he's into, and I have no interest in being THAT, then good for him for finding what he likes.

    But I am still very confused about why he seemed so into me when we were together? And why did he tell him three years ago that he his type was guys like me? And why did he decide to focus on the other guy and remove the physical aspect from our relationship only when I brought it up? Would he have just continued seeing the other guy and me as well? If the other guy gave him an ultimatum would he had finally broken things off with me on his own?

    Also, frankly, I'm just surprised that there even ARE people out there who prefer fat guys to fit guys. There's nothing wrong with it, I suppose, and I know we each of us have completely different preferences, but I'm still very surprised by it.

    tl;dr version: I was seeing a guy who seemed super into me and super into spending time with me, but when I brought up whether we were casual or serious, he revealed he had been seeing someone else as well and was going to focus on that other relationship... and it turns out that other guy is a fat young bear. I know that there are people out there who are into that kind of thing, and that's fine... but I find it baffling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 2:57 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidThanks for the tl;dr at the bottom --much appreciated.

    So big, handsome, wonderful, amazing guy (you) gets passed over for a "fat bear". [gasp] Well, you're probably right to focus on how gross physically this guy is, because if you don't, you'll have to face the fact that you might have lost your 'twink' because of your personality. icon_confused.gif


    Is that really what you got from that? For the record: I don't think I'm "wonderful" or "amazing". I get told I'm handsome frequently enough (including by the guy in question) that while I might not be able to see it, I can acknowledge that people seem to think so.

    The point (which apparently was unclear) was that even though things were going super well and the guy was very into me and really enjoyed spending time with me, he has a fetish for bears and opted to choose one over me. And THAT helps me feel better. Because he can't be blamed for his fetishes. But I personally am baffled by such a preference.
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    Jan 20, 2014 4:43 AM GMT
    Welcome to my life. Always a sideline ho, never a main ho....icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 4:58 AM GMT
    No matter how good looking you are, if you are not someone's type, you never are going to be anything to him. Hope you find someone who likes you, and always try to make things clear, if he doesn't speak, you have to. Your feelings is what matter and be aware of them.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jan 20, 2014 5:02 AM GMT
    The "whys" and "what ifs" will kill ya bro...You asked him your relationship status, he told ya. Take some time away from the dating scene and focus on your future priorities in your next relationship. Take solace that at least he had the nuts to tell ya the truth and not lead ya on...All the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    Of course he's going to tell you that you're his type.. why would he say you aren't? Going forward would make no sense. He is allowed more than one type.. for example I have multiple types that I like. Some more than others of course.

    Stuff like this befuddles me too sometimes but you just gotta step back and realize that he's getting something there he isn't getting from you.

    Sometimes physical attraction isn't the only reason why they chose someone else. Even if it was.. oh well and on to the next one! Because there will be another and he will be better. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 6:14 AM GMT
    lol
    not even going to view your profile.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 8:20 AM GMT
    We love what we love.

    Time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 8:26 AM GMT
    Because we live in the disposable age. Faceless corporations want to sell us a disposable reality. Out with the old, in with the new. Including relationships.
    Hence the objectification of one another.

    "A skinny Twink"
    "A fat bear"
    "A smart phone"
    "A Mac laptop"

    Do you see where I'm going with this? The defection was intentional and subliminal. They have infected your very soul.

    I only hope we have the will to reclaim what we've lost, and miss so dearly.

    It has nothing to do with "type". As long as there is no abuse, no meanness, then there is no reason not to stay devoted. Don't be an in inventory thinker.
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    Jan 20, 2014 10:11 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidWelcome to my life. Always a sideline ho, never a main ho....icon_cry.gif

    Might as well try to stop being a whore, slut
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    Jan 20, 2014 10:19 AM GMT
    David3000 said
    jmusmc85 saidWelcome to my life. Always a sideline ho, never a main ho....icon_cry.gif

    Might as well try to stop being a whore, slut


    That's easier said than done sir
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    You're being vain.

    People rarely have ONE AND ONLY type that they are attracted to; proof: he was attracted to you AND to a bear dude. The odds of him having left you because the other dude was more his type physically are not very large, I'm afraid.

    That being said, he did seem very flaky and unworthy of your trust. It's probably a good thing he left you.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jan 23, 2014 5:30 AM GMT
    lmao, OP is closer to a bear than a twink IMO
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Jan 23, 2014 3:05 PM GMT
    'dumped for a fat bear.' hahaha this title cracked me up, on the brightside at least you can tell people that n they'll laugh
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Jan 23, 2014 7:26 PM GMT
    My only reaction is that the other guy got to him first, he probably developed feelings, and so he isn't emotionally available to pursue anything further with you on a physical/romantic relationship. Basically what you're asking is, "I met a guy who is dating someone else. I think the guy he's dating is ugly. But he won't leave the other guy for me. Why doesn't he like me?" The answer is simple: it's because he's dating someone else. Find yourself a single guy and try again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2014 3:51 AM GMT
    Lololololol this entire post; I say next! Next next next !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2014 6:16 AM GMT
    The thing is he might of been a fat bear or whatever but perhaps they connected on things that you guys did not, perhaps their personalities were more comparable. I see your point but you can't just judge people on how they look. At the end of the day if the guy you were seeing saw a stronger relationship with this other guy then so be it, you can't make people like you back it was for the best for both of you. What i don't like is that it was you that had to initiate the conversation about where the relationship was leading to then find out there was another guy which in my books is not okay. He sounds not very honest and in that sense maybe you dodged a bullet getting emotionally invested in a relationship with a untruthful person.

    Just remember if you alarm bells start ringing when a relationship is developing pull back. If the feelings are reciprocating or at least the other person has led you to believe that then they'll come after you if they are as keen on developing a relationship as you are. If they don't then move on to the next despite how hard it might be.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 26, 2014 4:22 PM GMT
    I read your post.. and what I took from it is that you connected with this guy despite him not being 'your type' and you're now hurt that he could leave you for someone like a 'fat bear'. The truth is that attraction only starts with physical types but chemistry goes well beyond that. It sounds that, unfortunately, this guy had more chemistry with the fat bear. That's hurtful, but it's reality.

    You do sound a little vain.. but it seems you've learned this key lesson in life--Physicality only starts attraction, but it doesn't maintain chemistry, which is important for relationships. Now, you must go out there and find someone that you've chemistry with.

  • Jan 29, 2014 5:56 PM GMT
    YourName2000 saidThanks for the tl;dr at the bottom --much appreciated.

    So big, handsome, wonderful, amazing guy (you) gets passed over for a "fat bear". [gasp] Well, you're probably right to focus on how gross physically this guy is, because if you don't, you'll have to face the fact that you might have lost your 'twink' because of your personality. icon_confused.gif



    I like you more and more with each post.
  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Jan 29, 2014 6:19 PM GMT
    The heart wants what the heart wants--that's all there is to it.

    To come off with some sort of superior station in life because "he's a fat bear" and you're a ("fill in the blank")only cements the fact that (as another poster said), physical attraction only sparks the initial stage of a relationship--it's not the end all and the be all.

    As an example--the guy I'm seeing--he's 6'2", HWP, has a face and a voice that melts me where I stand every time...is he handsome and attractive? You bet your ass.

    Does he have a six pack? He doesn't. Neither do I.

    But I can tell you this--when we're holding hands at the movie theater, or when we are wrapped in each other's arms, or when we're swapping tongues, or steaming up the shower when the water's not even turned on yet, no one is counting how many crunches the other did in the gym that day--or who has what pic on Facebook.

    THAT stuff was in the rearview mirror a long long time ago--if it was ever really present at all.

    Good luck guy.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 01, 2014 1:00 PM GMT
    Mmm first of all, I'm sorry that this happened but at least he was honest. It's much better then leading someone on. Just take this for experience and move on from there. I'm sure you'll find a guy who you like and vice versa, so don't give up but it might be best to take a break to recuperate.

    On the physical attraction spectrum, it just might be that he preferred the bear guy. Maybe they had more in common and all that stuff. But if we're going to talk type, I have to agree with everyone else, plenty of guys have more than one type. Like for example, I'm a sucker for black hair with blue or green eyes but I also like brown hair and dark eyes. Or in body, while I like big muscular type of guys, I also like swimmer type guys too. And you have different types too. I mean, you said you normally went for other muscular guys yet you found something you liked in the smaller guy so... icon_smile.gif

    All in all, best of luck and don't give up. icon_smile.gif