Relationship problems

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    Jan 21, 2014 3:21 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Kind of a long story following. Not expecting any kind of magic solution, just looking for another human perspective on my situation. From what I can tell my boyfriend and I are in the process of splitting off. We've been together for a year, had a lot of happy moments together and obviously that was more than enough for me to get emotionally involved.

    Truth be said he's a great guy in many aspects. The problem however is that he was never been able to open emotionally to me entirely. We had our intimate moments, wonderful ones, even if there was never any sex involved (we discussed that theoretically but it never looked like he was ready for that and I never felt like pressuring him in any way). I tried hard to convince him that it was important for us and the success of our relationship to have a good and stable emotional link but that never really went very far. He would constantly make one step forward then a couple backward and so on. I can't say that he did not care for me. It's more that he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them. Part of the problem is that none of us is out, but he's definitely more concerned with the potential consequences than I am.

    Eventually we arrived at a point where I could not afford not to be honest with myself and wanted to hear from him if he really wanted us to continue or if we should rather stop here. A few painful exchanges followed, which I deeply regret, after which we managed to meet and discuss our situation, yet without concluding anything. I told him that I love him and that I want him in my life. He has promised that he will think about and let me know.

    So here I am bleeding massively. How's this crazy story looking to you and what would you do in my place? Be patient and avoid pressuring him in any way? Considering all this as a definitively lost opportunity and doing whatever I can to move on? Something else?

    Thank you guys.
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    Jan 21, 2014 3:38 AM GMT
    Thank you.
  • jnick91776

    Posts: 30

    Jan 21, 2014 4:00 AM GMT
    Hi---This sounds like what am going through right now.
    I posted this a few days ago.

    This is what my boyfriend said after 4 years –
    I care about you. I’m asking you to please let me go as I would like to see other people. There is someone I want to get to know. Whom he is dating. I would like to still go out with you every now and then but right now, I just need space. Please understand. This is already hard for me.-
    We did not live together. I was the first guy he was with. He lives with his family that does not know he’s gay. He’s 33 and I’m 50. I’m the first guy he’s been with. We only spent the weekends -Friday night to Sunday night together at my place. He knows I love him but he does not use the “L” word because he thinks it’s too strong. I told him I will be here for him. He wants me to part of his life. He said he saw the possibility of us getting back together. I sent him two love song videos. Was that wrong? I do want him back even though it was a strange and unique relationship and many friends say they would not be involved in. Hopeful or give up?

    Friends have said to me not to beg. That is giving him all the control. I feel hopeful he will come back. Like you we had our intimate moments and like you he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them. Our sex life was great. You got to let him do what he needs to do. Pleading and begging will push him away. Do not do that. I do know it is hurting but one day at a time.
    I wish you the best. Good luck.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:12 AM GMT
    Don't think I'm going to go far out on a limb and assume he's not out?
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:16 AM GMT
    Your 36.. what you waiting for?? We don't grow younger by the day man. Tell him what You need from him. If he cannot provide that its time to move on to the next
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:21 AM GMT
    jnick91776 saidHi---This sounds like what am going through right now.
    I posted this a few days ago.

    This is what my boyfriend said after 4 years –
    I care about you. I’m asking you to please let me go as I would like to see other people. There is someone I want to get to know. Whom he is dating. I would like to still go out with you every now and then but right now, I just need space. Please understand. This is already hard for me.-
    We did not live together. I was the first guy he was with. He lives with his family that does not know he’s gay. He’s 33 and I’m 50. I’m the first guy he’s been with. We only spent the weekends -Friday night to Sunday night together at my place. He knows I love him but he does not use the “L” word because he thinks it’s too strong. I told him I will be here for him. He wants me to part of his life. He said he saw the possibility of us getting back together. I sent him two love song videos. Was that wrong? I do want him back even though it was a strange and unique relationship and many friends say they would not be involved in. Hopeful or give up?

    Friends have said to me not to beg. That is giving him all the control. I feel hopeful he will come back. Like you we had our intimate moments and like you he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them. Our sex life was great. You got to let him do what he needs to do. Pleading and begging will push him away. Do not do that. I do know it is hurting but one day at a time.
    I wish you the best. Good luck.


    Thanks. I do not intend to beg in any case. My question was more about patience or no patience. I appreciate your answer.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:25 AM GMT
    Behemothboi saidYour 36.. what you waiting for?? We don't grow younger by the day man. Tell him what You need from him. If he cannot provide that its time to move on to the next


    Thanks, you're certainly right about my age... To be honest I thought that we'll be together for very long time. We are of similar ages so that's not really a factor (not that I'm aware of). Somehow I would like to strike the right balance. If I let off at the first sign of hesitation I'll probably never go very far with anyone. The opposite is not a solution either. I do not expect to find an ideal match therefore I'm hesitating. We are all humans after all.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    I wasn't tryin to say there was anything wrong with your age because that's not the case. I'm saying you guys don't need to be afraid of coming out. It's not like your parents are gonna kick you out of the house. And trust me , anyone who treats you differently was never your friend in the first place
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:35 AM GMT
    Behemothboi saidI wasn't tryin to say there was anything wrong with your age because that's not the case. I'm saying you guys don't need to be afraid of coming out. It's not like your parents are gonna kick you out of the house. And trust me , anyone who treats you differently was never your friend in the first place


    Thanks. We had that discussion but he was adamant about his decision not to come out. I would have been probably wrong to insist more. He is somehow extremely scared of that perspective. Maybe growing here in the south has something to do with that? I don't know. The worse is the fact that he doesn't seem to be able to accept himself entirely (although he's aware of this problem). Which resulted in a kind of an unhealthy confusion for both of us. Thanks for your answer.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:36 AM GMT
    cfreyr said
    My question was more about patience or no patience. I appreciate your answer.

    You've already demonstrated enough patience. Move on.

    I had one of these, and I let it go on for 2 years. Still got me no further than I'd been at 1 year. For me 1 year would be the cut-off point. None of us are getting any younger, and even at mid-30s you haven't got good years to throw away on lost causes. In fact, your young years may be more valuable than old years.

    Either it works or it doesn't work, and according to your own criteria that you get to establish. It's your own life, after all. Expecting sex after 1 year isn't expecting too much, if I read your post correctly. Nor is expecting some kind of commitment. There are many more fish in the sea, and you seem to have caught a dead one. Sorry... icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:41 AM GMT
    You know what makes a guy like your man come out?

    Loosing a great guy like you because he can't "Refuses".

    sucks for you, but the next guy is golden.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:46 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou know what makes a guy like your man come out?

    Loosing a great guy like you because he can't "Refuses".

    sucks for you, but the next guy is golden.


    Thank you so much for these kind words. Best wishes to you as well.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:48 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    cfreyr said
    My question was more about patience or no patience. I appreciate your answer.

    You've already demonstrated enough patience. Move on.

    I had one of these, and I let it go on for 2 years. Still got me no further than I'd been at 1 year. For me 1 year would be the cut-off point. None of us are getting any younger, and even at mid-30s you haven't got good years to throw away on lost causes. In fact, your young years may be more valuable than old years.

    Either it works or it doesn't work, and according to your own criteria that you get to establish. It's your own life, after all. Expecting sex after 1 year isn't expecting too much, if I read your post correctly. Nor is expecting some kind of commitment. There are many more fish in the sea, and you seem to have caught a dead one. Sorry... icon_sad.gif


    Thanks a lot. Your story seems quite inspiring to me and it looks like there is hope out there judging the outcome of yours... Thank you and best of luck to you guys.
  • jnick91776

    Posts: 30

    Jan 21, 2014 4:55 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou know what makes a guy like your man come out?

    Loosing a great guy like you because he can't "Refuses".

    sucks for you, but the next guy is golden.

    what do you mean the next guy is golden?
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    Jan 21, 2014 5:08 AM GMT
    jnick91776 said

    what do you mean the next guy is golden?

    Once cfreyr moves on, his boyfriend will only then realize what he had and lost.
    He will want it back and find himself making the changes to get it; therefore the next guy will get the man cfreyr wanted.icon_wink.gif
  • jnick91776

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    Jan 21, 2014 5:18 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    jnick91776 said

    what do you mean the next guy is golden?


    Once cfreyr moves on, his boyfriend will only then realize what he had and lost.
    He will want it back and find himself making the changes to get it; therefore the next guy will get the man cfreyr wanted.icon_wink.gif

    Unless cfreyr takes him back.....then it golden for him...
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    Jan 21, 2014 9:36 AM GMT
    If you're in pain, because of him, and he isn't going to change, your relationship is doomed. Sorry. It's not clear what you mean when you say, "that he was never been able to open emotionally to me entirely." Obviously you have a sense of what that means.
    "that he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them." Does this mean he has never said that he loves you? If he doesn't love you, why are you together for a year? For him, is it just a convenient sexual partner? As much as it is better to be out, some people aren't ready for it, and it is not a terrible thing not to be out in some small town environments - I know nothing about where you live. But I would not say that his unwillingness to be out dooms your relationship, but if he is emotionally unavaiable to you, you should move on.
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    Jan 21, 2014 10:07 AM GMT
    I'm sorry but I think both of you are not ready for an *open emotional gay relationship. It seems like both of you need to accept, be happy and come out with yourself on your own terms first !! He needs to do this more than you do! If you're not emotionally happy with yourself, how can you love another guy openly? Love is a strong word, don't say it if you don't mean it. I definitely said it to the wrong guy, wrong time before! If he says **I'll think about it if I love you back or not**, just drop him, he doesn't deserve you!!!
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    Jan 21, 2014 1:25 PM GMT
    socalx10 saidI'm sorry but I think both of you are not ready for an *open emotional gay relationship. It seems like both of you need to accept, be happy and come out with yourself on your own terms first !! He needs to do this more than you do! If you're not emotionally happy with yourself, how can you love another guy openly? Love is a strong word, don't say it if you don't mean it. I definitely said it to the wrong guy, wrong time before! If he says **I'll think about it if I love you back or not**, just drop him, he doesn't deserve you!!!


    Thank you so much. Indeed none of us is out for reasons that have nothing to do with our relationship, at least for me. Human lifes are complicated sometimes and exposing ourselves to uneeded pain in a small city in north Alabama would probably not have been very helpful. I do agree that living openly and being entirely honest about what you are is absolutely the best thing to do. It looks like none of us had the force to do so.

    Of course that doesn't mean that we shouldn't live as we want to privately. Unfortunately as you understood there were problems there too and it's quite possible that our public and private failures are related. That being said I don't play with the word "love". The only other person I openly said that word in my life was my grandma... And she was an adorable woman that loved me enormously. Of course I did love other people, plenty of them actually, I just didn't say it using this word because I don't believe much in it. It has been wrongly used so many times... And it looks like I might have added to that by using it myself in the context of our relationship. I did so mostly out of pain trying to make him understand how much I cared for him. Of course I do love him and nothing is wrong with that at least in principle isn't it? I'm actually happy I did tell him that and I also told him that I wasn't seeing any reason of being ashamed for my feelings. And I still don't.

    One important thing that I would retain from your message is the observation about the need to come to terms with ourselves. I'll try to focus on that in what concerns me because indeed you're right. Thank you.
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    Jan 21, 2014 1:50 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidIf your in pain, because of him, and he isn't going to change, your relationship is doomed. Sorry. It's not clear what you mean when you say, "that he was never been able to open emotionally to me entirely." Obviously you have a sense of what that means.
    "that he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them." Does this mean he has never said that he loves you? If he doesn't love you, why are you together for a year? For him, is it just a convenient sexual partner? As much as it is better to be out, some people aren't ready for it, and it is not a terrible thing not to be out in some small town environments - I know nothing about where you live. But I would not say that his unwillingness to be out dooms your relationship, but if he is emotionally unavaiable to you, you should move on.


    Thanks. He never said that he loved me but I never expected to hear him saying that either. What was really tough to accept was that he never came to hug me... I was the only one doing so constantly. And sometimes he would be happy about that while others he won't... Like there were rules about when I could hug him privately. Actually he did come to hug me... just once in the first months of our relationship. When I first spotted the problem and I told him that he doesn't need to be with me if he doesn't want to.

    As I said that doesn't mean there was no emotional connection in between us. If that would have been the case this would have never lasted a year... I truly believe that he is a great guy in many aspects. It's more like he would constantly keep himself from expressing any feelings, privately I mean, waiting for me to do so first and then accepting most of the time what I was doing.

    As for the sex we never had any. We spent many nights together but just never got there. I did initiate a discussion about that with him and he said that if I wanted to have sex then he would accept but did so in a way that made me to back off immediately. It was pretty clear that would have been yet another unneeded complication in a moment where we definitely had other issues to deal with before getting there. Sex for sex never meant anything to me anyway so that was not really a loss...

    Thanks for your opinion.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:18 PM GMT
    cfreyr said
    HikerSkier saidIf your in pain, because of him, and he isn't going to change, your relationship is doomed. Sorry. It's not clear what you mean when you say, "that he was never been able to open emotionally to me entirely." Obviously you have a sense of what that means.
    "that he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them." Does this mean he has never said that he loves you? If he doesn't love you, why are you together for a year? For him, is it just a convenient sexual partner? As much as it is better to be out, some people aren't ready for it, and it is not a terrible thing not to be out in some small town environments - I know nothing about where you live. But I would not say that his unwillingness to be out dooms your relationship, but if he is emotionally unavaiable to you, you should move on.


    Thanks. He never said that he loved me but I never expected to hear him saying that either. What was really tough to accept was that he never came to hug me... I was the only one doing so constantly. And sometimes he would be happy about that while others he won't... Like there were rules about when I could hug him privately. Actually he did come to hug me... just once in the first months of our relationship. When I first spotted the problem and I told him that he doesn't need to be with me if he doesn't want to.

    As I said that doesn't mean there was no emotional connection in between us. If that would have been the case this would have never lasted a year... I truly believe that he is a great guy in many aspects. It's more like he would constantly keep himself from expressing any feelings, privately I mean, waiting for me to do so first and then accepting most of the time what I was doing.

    As for the sex we never had any. We spent many nights together but just never got there. I did initiate a discussion about that with him and he said that if I wanted to have sex then he would accept but did so in a way that made me to back off immediately. It was pretty clear that would have been yet another unneeded complication in a moment where we definitely had other issues to deal with before getting there. Sex for sex never meant anything to me anyway so that was not really a loss...

    The last bit really threw me. I am shocked. I assumed you two were living together and having at least (weekly, perhaps?) sex. I can't imagine two guys spending a year together, supposedly in some sort of relationship, and there's no sex. Sex is not important to you - Are you a virgin? Makes me wonder - is he perhaps not gay and just a good best friend? -like you two are two army buddies stranded together on an island for years - waiting to be found? If he is really gay, he really needs a therapist, or he will never be happy. You have emotionally fallen for someone who cannot return any love you feel for him. And if you are really gay, you need to move on and find a sexual relationship with someone, and put this guy in the friend zone. - You're 36 and not getting any younger. Perhaps you could also benefit from some therapy (sex doesn't mean anything to you?). Move on, and best of luck.

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    Jan 21, 2014 6:56 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    cfreyr said
    HikerSkier saidIf your in pain, because of him, and he isn't going to change, your relationship is doomed. Sorry. It's not clear what you mean when you say, "that he was never been able to open emotionally to me entirely." Obviously you have a sense of what that means.
    "that he wasn't capable to express his feelings and be in peace with himself about them." Does this mean he has never said that he loves you? If he doesn't love you, why are you together for a year? For him, is it just a convenient sexual partner? As much as it is better to be out, some people aren't ready for it, and it is not a terrible thing not to be out in some small town environments - I know nothing about where you live. But I would not say that his unwillingness to be out dooms your relationship, but if he is emotionally unavaiable to you, you should move on.


    Thanks. He never said that he loved me but I never expected to hear him saying that either. What was really tough to accept was that he never came to hug me... I was the only one doing so constantly. And sometimes he would be happy about that while others he won't... Like there were rules about when I could hug him privately. Actually he did come to hug me... just once in the first months of our relationship. When I first spotted the problem and I told him that he doesn't need to be with me if he doesn't want to.

    As I said that doesn't mean there was no emotional connection in between us. If that would have been the case this would have never lasted a year... I truly believe that he is a great guy in many aspects. It's more like he would constantly keep himself from expressing any feelings, privately I mean, waiting for me to do so first and then accepting most of the time what I was doing.

    As for the sex we never had any. We spent many nights together but just never got there. I did initiate a discussion about that with him and he said that if I wanted to have sex then he would accept but did so in a way that made me to back off immediately. It was pretty clear that would have been yet another unneeded complication in a moment where we definitely had other issues to deal with before getting there. Sex for sex never meant anything to me anyway so that was not really a loss...

    The last bit really threw me. I am shocked. I assumed you two were living together and having at least (weekly, perhaps?) sex. I can't imagine two guys spending a year together, supposedly in some sort of relationship, and there's no sex. Sex is not important to you - Are you a virgin? Makes me wonder - is he perhaps not gay and just a good best friend? -like you two are two army buddies stranded together on an island for years - waiting to be found? If he is really gay, he really needs a therapist, or he will never be happy. You have emotionally fallen for someone who cannot return any love you feel for him. And if you are really gay, you need to move on and find a sexual relationship with someone, and put this guy in the friend zone. - You're 36 and not getting any younger. Perhaps you could also benefit from some therapy (sex doesn't mean anything to you?). Move on, and best of luck.



    Hey the gay world is a bit weird sometimes and this should not surprise anyone. None of us is a virgin from what I know. He was my first real partner if I can put it that way, as I would not consider my previous trials partnerships, but I was not his first by any means. And no we have never lived together but just spent weekends together and something like another weekday evening from time to time (more in the beginning and less towards the end).

    As for my personal experience, I have to say that I spent most of my adult life working hard on something. I'm very highly trained, I have an MD degree, a PhD and a handful of masters and I have a senior position in one of the best research institutes here. None of those came without a lot of personal sacrifice, and that meant indeed less sex among many other things. Am I not gay or not gay enough because that? Honestly I don't think so. Sex is just one of the dimensions of the human personality and in my case it might not have been the most important one. In any case I don't feel handicapped in any way since this was my conscious choice. My boyfriend is also well, professionally speaking, although he is more of a practical nature and has never went that far in his studies. Which does not mean that he's not a very capable and intelligent individual.

    Concerning sex I didn't intend to suggest it was not important in a relationship in general, just that it's not the most important element for me. If sex is a mean of expressing real feelings then that's more than welcome, otherwise I'm not sure. We all have physical needs and I don't intend to deny that of course. I think it's more about how we address them and there is a pretty large range of options in relation to that I think. As for me I wanted a boyfriend not a fuck buddy and I made that clear from the beginning with him.

    As I said we did discus sex matters in a discussion that I initiated. He seemed very unsure about what he really wanted although he said he would be interested in principle. As long as I wasn't too kinky as he put it (he thought Germans are kind of kinky in general and although I'm French I do have some German roots, hence the link he made). My feeling was that there was no reason to rush into anything that we were not both comfortable with, so I preferred to wait until that would be the case. That might have been a mistake looking back because he was probably lacking the capacity of acknowledging his desires rather than not having any. Anyway it's late now...

    Does he need some therapy, do I need some? Honestly I don't know. Being an MD myself I was never very optimistic about therapies, nor do I see what that could bring me that I don't already have. I might be wrong of course. As for him, I really don't know. Something is sure though, therapies are never effective for individuals that don't accept they have a problem and they need to address it this way among others. I'm not sure he qualifies for such an intervention right now and I don't think he's going to accept such a thing anytime soon.

    My take in general was that my feelings for him were genuine and that they were so clearly expressed in everything I was doing that there would have been difficult to miss them or to misinterpret them. I also hoped that, because I had those feelings for him, I will be able to help more than I ended doing. In between his confusion and my lack of experience we ended here. I don't know if there is any realistic way of repairing this but I truly appreciate your perspective guys. It helped me enormously just to see that others can have a thoughtful opinion on something that is otherwise a very personal story. And I can't be grateful enough for that.

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    Jan 21, 2014 7:44 PM GMT
    I did not read a single word of the original post, but I will say this as an expert on human nature; had the country been smart enough to elect Mittens Romney in 2012, gay people would be worried about real issues that affect them personally and as a voting bloc, rather than having the time to write some long boring essay on erectile dysfunction or the inability to communicate like an adult to the adult you are sharing your life with.
    Then again, we have flightily old Obama, so people are boring and long winded.
    Personally, I would never just waste others time blathering on about some tiny aspect of my imperfect life, except in the case of my long term pet project LingLang, who for the life of me seems to have disappeared. First he was flying back to his home country on a large airplane with a lot of other people who looked remarkably like him, and then he decides he needs to go smoke pot in Amsterdam, all the while leaving me to order take-out and watch action packed movies on Netflix.
    So I was left to wonder, if LingLang is all high and looking at fine art in foreign lands, why should I be yanking off to terrible amateur porn and eating cold and badly prepared Chinese food?
    Maybe what I should do is write some sort of badly thought out essay on how terrible my life is at this instant, this very second, because as an eternal optimist, things always seem to turning around charmingly within about a half hour. Which reminds me, I was having some coffee this morning when a fresh faced college boy asked me if I worked out and I noticed he was looking at my crotch area. I smiled and spilled my coffee on his trendy tight jeans and said, "I never work out, I got this body by sitting at my desk and jerking off to amateur porn."
    Then my phone buzzed from a number I did not recognize, so instead of wasting my time, I let it got to voicemail and as I was disengaging from the college boy, I checked my messages and a rather obviously stoned LingLang announced he would be returning this very evening. See how that worked out?
    So my advice to the OP, edit.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jan 25, 2014 8:11 AM GMT
    _Behemoth_ saidYour 36.. what you waiting for?? We don't grow younger by the day man. Tell him what You need from him. If he cannot provide that its time to move on to the next


    I agree, when I was single and dating one of my red flags was a person who wasn't out. To me it meant that they weren't comfortable inn their skin,which is ok if that's where their at in life. I knew that I needed someone who was ready for that commitment with me, it took a while but I found it.

    You might want to consider moving to your new chapter, I get it's going to ge amazing if you let it be.

    Best of luck,