How to Ask a Guy to Meet from an Online Dating Site

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 5:16 AM GMT
    After playing message tag back and forth with a few guys on OKCupid and it leading nowhere for the past few weeks, I found an article about not wasting time on dating sites engaging what I call "pen pals":

    http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/09/15/ok-cupid-pro-tips-aka-how-not-to-waste-your-time-on-okcupid/

    It seems like a lot of guys who rely on dating sites are skiddish about meeting in person, which is mostly understandable but if you've verified each other then- why not meet offline. That's the point of online dating.
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    Jan 21, 2014 5:26 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidYou need to earn some trust for that to occur.


    huh. its just meeting face to face. if something happens, just walk away.........
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    Jan 21, 2014 5:27 AM GMT
    I dunno. I find that most guys on these apps and dating sites are either looking for hookups, or looking for chat buddies to pass the time while at work/sitting on the toilet.

    You need to make it clear you're looking for local guys for dates/friendship. Here's a tip.. after a day of chatting back and forth, just mention that you get tired of texting/typing and would rather chat in person. And then suggest meeting up for coffee. Their next response will help you determine if you're wasting your time.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 21, 2014 6:04 AM GMT
    Just ask them up front if they want to meet for coffee.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 21, 2014 8:06 AM GMT
    My advice is to not put a guy in the uncomfortable position of having to say, "No," even if it is someone you barely know, on line.

    I would say something like, "You seem like a really nice guy. If you'd like to meet for coffee, some time, let me know." Just be sure to have it occur in a public place, and let him pay his own way.

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    Jan 21, 2014 8:18 AM GMT
    There are lots of guys who are never going to meet (married, using fake pics etc.). Talking to these people is a total waste of time. Ideally you want to meet within 3 days of sending the first message. Never had a date that went well if it happened more than 2 weeks after the first message.
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    Jan 21, 2014 8:20 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidMy advice is to not put a guy in the uncomfortable position of having to say, "No," even if it is someone you barely know, on line.

    I would say something like, "You seem like a really nice guy. If you'd like to meet for coffee, some time, let me know." Just be sure to have it occur in a public place, and let him pay his own way.



    I think this way of asking makes you sound like a bit of a charity case! Why not have the attitude that they should be privileged to get the invitation? I agree that any answer other than yes is in fact a no though (and it is not worth wasting any more time on these individuals).
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    Jan 21, 2014 8:47 AM GMT
    However you word your date invitations, you don't want it to drag on for long. There are some guys who never make up their minds, even if they are interested. There was one guy I met, and we hit it off at a week-end gathering. We were both looking for a relationship. For the next two weeks, I tried to arrange a date with him, and finally gave up. Over twenty years later (I know, because he is a friend of a friend), he had never found a relationship with anyone.
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    Jan 21, 2014 9:54 AM GMT
    Hm interesting, I've been on OK cupid a while, maybe I can add some insights into this.

    The good news is that whoever you message, replied you back, there's seem to be mutual interest in the beginning at least. The bad news is none of them so far are interested in meeting up with you! (That came out a little harsh, hear me out). If I like a guy profile and what he has to say, I will usually exchange numbers and go offline chat. My rule is once you talk on the phone or email/broken the ice online, the 5 days rule apply. If I don't hear from you or it's too sketchy over 5 days to even meet and make a date? I'll usually give the guys about 3-4 days max to read/reply my email, call or text. After that, he came back with some excuses or whatever? Forget it! I'll just simply move on. So I think in your case, most guys lost interest after chatting like a long ass time online or they can be just flaky, they lost interest in you! Bottom line is, if I like someone enough, I will make time and a date with him within a certain time frame, not dragging on forever.

    Anyway, don't give up, try again!

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    Jan 21, 2014 1:11 PM GMT
    So far, I agree with very little that has been said. Possibly somewhat with socalx10. This is not a black and white issue or after so many times........
    You basically have 3 type of guys that respond, married, single and curious. There are many married guys (I am one of them) who definitely want to respond, and meet, but it takes a huge leap of faith to do so. Guilt is immense.
    The single guys are probably the easiest but there are tons of those guys who can't make a decision.
    Finally, the curious guy is out to experiment. Most of these are straight and first timers. Some of these guys will be very easy to persuade while others just cant hurdle the masculinity of their nature.
    The key for you, is, how really interested are you in the person and how much patience are you willing to give. Because of who they appear to be, they may be a real prize worth waiting for. Eventually something will happen.
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    Jan 21, 2014 2:25 PM GMT
    Uh, I don't know man...I ended up dating guys from just hookup aps like grindr and scruff. The sights your talking about are for actual dating so just be like, "hey, wanna grab a coffee or a drink sometime". If you want something, go after it. Better to try and fail then just be sitting on the sidelines man.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jan 21, 2014 2:38 PM GMT
    you say " so would you like to meet up some time ? "
    when you do my experience advises against any kind of coffee drinking thing ...unless you have skyped ! otherwise it ends up like a really awkward blind date you both sit staring at each other ...I found it best if you do something silly like go to a zoo or a park where you can walk around and be more natural
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    Jan 21, 2014 2:52 PM GMT
    secondstartotheright saidyou say " so would you like to meet up some time ? "
    when you do my experience advises against any kind of coffee drinking thing ...unless you have skyped ! otherwise it ends up like a really awkward blind date you both sit staring at each other ...I found it best if you do something silly like go to a zoo or a park where you can walk around and be more natural



    I don't know. Depends on your demeanor and personality I guess. I'm shy and quiet but very easy to get a long with. I've met up for drinks or coffee with guys and found it easy to talk to about things...usually finding that we weren't going to be more than just friends and would usually leave the place with a new friend.
    Hell, I have some awesome buds I couldn't imagine my life without now that I've met through gay aps for hooking up hahaa
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    Jan 21, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    xrichx saidI dunno. I find that most guys on these apps and dating sites are either looking for hookups, or looking for chat buddies to pass the time while at work/sitting on the toilet. <---lolz icon_razz.gif

    You need to make it clear you're looking for local guys for dates/friendship. Here's a tip.. after a day of chatting back and forth, just mention that you get tired of texting/typing and would rather chat in person. And then suggest meeting up for coffee. Their next response will help you determine if you're wasting your time.


    ^This.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 3:52 PM GMT
    Earlier, I used to be more aggressive in asking out some guy online, if I liked him. Now, I am becoming more like everyone else sitting on their toilet, just browsing and checking out guys. Once in a while, I do ask someone out. I have also put on my other dating profile that I am looking to meet than never ending chat.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jan 21, 2014 3:56 PM GMT
    Ohno said
    Webster666 saidMy advice is to not put a guy in the uncomfortable position of having to say, "No," even if it is someone you barely know, on line.

    I would say something like, "You seem like a really nice guy. If you'd like to meet for coffee, some time, let me know." Just be sure to have it occur in a public place, and let him pay his own way.



    I think this way of asking makes you sound like a bit of a charity case! Why not have the attitude that they should be privileged to get the invitation? I agree that any answer other than yes is in fact a no though (and it is not worth wasting any more time on these individuals).

    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    I'm here to waste other people's time. HMU! icon_lol.gif
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jan 21, 2014 4:05 PM GMT
    Momule saidSo far, I agree with very little that has been said. Possibly somewhat with socalx10. This is not a black and white issue or after so many times........
    You basically have 3 type of guys that respond, married, single and curious. There are many married guys (I am one of them) who definitely want to respond, and meet, but it takes a huge leap of faith to do so. Guilt is immense.
    The single guys are probably the easiest but there are tons of those guys who can't make a decision.
    Finally, the curious guy is out to experiment. Most of these are straight and first timers. Some of these guys will be very easy to persuade while others just cant hurdle the masculinity of their nature.
    The key for you, is, how really interested are you in the person and how much patience are you willing to give. Because of who they appear to be, they may be a real prize worth waiting for. Eventually something will happen.

    While I don't disagree that men who are on the sites fall into the married (or partnered), single or curious, I think the men fall into 4 different effective categories:
    1. Serious about meeting someone for more than a hookup
    2. Serious about hooking up
    3. Possibly interested in hooking up
    4. Not interested in anything but browsing and/or playing someone

    1 is a killer if the guy is on Grindr, Scruff, Manhunt, those kinds of sites, because he effectively falls into category 4 by effect, MAYBE 3 if you're lucky - he really wants something different than the site's orientation, so it's a crap shoot

    3 and 4, if you're on Grindr, Scruff, Manhunt or the like are potentially just wastes of time, and the direct approach is effective in either getting what you're looking for or moving on

    2 also responds to the direct approach, so win there

    So if it's a hookup, the hard direct approach WINS. If it's dating, then it's a different direct approach, the soft direct approach. Pushing the coffee or even being blunt about meeting to see if this is something "we both" want to pursue tells you if there's anywhere to go and likely outs those who are just number 4's above. And in the process of the soft direct approach, if you're interested in meeting NOT for sex and the guy pushes that, then you know he's a 2, not a 1, so again, you win because you MOVE ON.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:06 PM GMT
    Ive been on OK Cupid a while. I havent met anyone yet tho
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidIve been on OK Cupid a while. I havent met anyone yet tho

    I would hang in there - I have known guys (who were in late 30s and 40s) who found ultimate partners through cupid.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 4:29 PM GMT
    ;
  • metta

    Posts: 39079

    Jan 21, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    Erobert saidAfter playing message tag back and forth with a few guys on OKCupid and it leading nowhere for the past few weeks, I found an article about not wasting time on dating sites engaging what I call "pen pals":

    http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/09/15/ok-cupid-pro-tips-aka-how-not-to-waste-your-time-on-okcupid/

    It seems like a lot of guys who rely on dating sites are skiddish about meeting in person, which is mostly understandable but if you've verified each other then- why not meet offline. That's the point of online dating.


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  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 21, 2014 5:28 PM GMT
    You're a great looking and sounding guy. You shouldn't be having trouble finding dates. It sounds like you can segregate the hook-up sites from the dating sites and I wouldn't cross either off the list of avenues to pursue. Good guys visit both. Maybe you're being too cautious with the guys that really attract you. Don't be afraid to give a bit in conversations. I met my partner of 6 1/2 years on Outpersonals (back when it was a dating site) but our initial interest was just hook-up. We chatted back and forth for a couple of weeks (and checked out each other's stories) and then met for a sex week-end that quickly turned into something permanent. If you find someone that interests you, let him know. If his background is interesting, let him know you connect with it. Just ask him out and don't be coy or go at it with reservations. You should have guys pestering your doorman night and day.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2014 11:23 PM GMT
    I agreed with OhNo on this one! It makes you look a little desperate and very open-ended. The way I interpret the phrase is: **Ok, I hope you like me enough to go out with me and please have some coffee with me, sometimes, whenever possible, just let me know if you say yes or no please??!!** Rather than this generic come on line, I'd suggest writing something a little more personal, quote something in the guy profile. Think of it as a cover letter for a job interview, I mean you don't want a generic come on line, You want to see something unique!! Just my .02 cent on it. Oh yeah one more detail, whoever ask the other guy out should Pay for him either for coffee or dinner, dessert or whatever! You're trying to woo the guy, don't come off as Cheap or too frugal!!




    Ohno said
    Webster666 saidMy advice is to not put a guy in the uncomfortable position of having to say, "No," even if it is someone you barely know, on line.

    I would say something like, "You seem like a really nice guy. If you'd like to meet for coffee, some time, let me know." Just be sure to have it occur in a public place, and let him pay his own way.



    I think this way of asking makes you sound like a bit of a charity case! Why not have the attitude that they should be privileged to get the invitation? I agree that any answer other than yes is in fact a no though (and it is not worth wasting any more time on these individuals).