Need advice on long term and open relationship issue (real story)

  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 22, 2014 8:51 AM GMT
    Hey,

    wonder if anyone would like to share an opinion. This is real story, not fake. I'm 38 year old gay guy, so is my bf. I have a sex issue problem, my bf doesn't want to have it or is always presenting some excuses. Well this is usual, read the rest. Should I terminate relationship, or if I don't want to, cheat or continue to present open relationship options? Recently I showed him some ground rules on open relationship, he could say his opinion. First reaction was not good, he refused. I explained that he cant believe that I will masturbate the rest of my life withouth having sex or making love. He has not decided yet.

    About background, I've been dating another guy for 12 years, been together about 11 years as a live-in-partner. Our daily routines work great, we have common goals. I might say, my bf is a life partner or soul mate, but not a sex partner for some time now. Sex was wonderful for few first years but been almost non-existent around 3-4 years now. I feel that we are very compatible and love each other, do not want to break up. I feel that he thinks same way. However, I wonder how come I endured all that time without making love with him. It feels really stupid, something must have gone wrong. I'm so stupid, say it. I sleep with him and we are close to each other, like cuddling. I emphasize that not totally without sex, once in a while about three times a year I had oral sex with another guy, bf accepted that or was with me at the time it happened. We got pretty drunk then.

    The reason for not to having sex with my partner is somewhat fuzzy. Anyway, the point is, I want it (not all the time) and he doesn't. Always some general excuse, tired, work etc. And now I want sex with other men, too, not just with bf. Bf is somewhat sexually interesting, but maybe we have used all our sexual energy. I dont know. We had great sex when we met and that lasted some years. Afterwards I ofcourse tried almost everything, but got very dissapointed and stopped trying, every week, every month, every year. The answer was always 'not this time, later'. Because was dissapointed, didn't know how to solve root cause.

    I got extremely frustrated by the end of last year, so saw nothing else as an option but had to cheat. I had sex with a guy I met on internet. It felt so good, really making love, my selfesteem was extremely low and got a huge boost. After all those years, somebody really wanted me. I don't have a crush on that guy but could meet again. My bf doesnt know it and probably ever will.

    I realized that I can't live without really having sex. I need it often, not few times a year, but weekly. Not every week. Since my life is not over yet, should I allow myself A. cheat B. open relationship C. we split or D. something else. Ofcourse, don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, especially not my bf. And I do not want to split.

    Maybe bf has become asexual. He still masturbates sometimes. I know that one. I told him to go to see a doctor whether something is wrong, bf refused and said that there's nothing wrong with it.

    I believe I could have had sex earlier, but was so into monogamous relationship idea that couldn't think about it. I feel that I'm open minded but still in the processing options. Maybe I just think this too much, but eh... so many years. I can't take this situation anymore.

    Share your opinion, please. Thanks guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 22, 2014 3:11 PM GMT
    cheating is never the answer. Either talk about it, that or move on. It seems sex is something that's really important to you in a relationship. But I say talk about it, you can't blindside him, that's just not fair.
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 22, 2014 3:13 PM GMT
    pellaz saidif you guys are not willing talk about it going to be difficult.


    Thanks, we have talked, going to talk more.
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 22, 2014 3:14 PM GMT
    woodsmen said"Maybe bf has become asexual. He still masturbates sometimes"

    The test for asexuality is when he masturbates does he think of a man or a woman or both? IF the answer is yes, he is not asexual.


    Yes. He is a gay man, he thinks of a man ;).
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 22, 2014 3:48 PM GMT
    Thanks, going to do that. This is interesting:

    "Look at the effort you had spent getting it from a third party last time."

    Well, the answer is, there was not much of an effort getting it from a third party. It's a huge effort if I'm getting it from bf. Funny.
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Jan 22, 2014 6:39 PM GMT
    Have you considered he may be cheating on you? My boyfriend did the same thing, always made excuses for why we never had sex, etc., and turns out it was because he had been cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship.
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 22, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
    lgg5819 saidHave you considered he may be cheating on you? My boyfriend did the same thing, always made excuses for why we never had sex, etc., and turns out it was because he had been cheating on me since the beginning of our relationship.


    I'm sorry. How long was your relationship? I'm quite sure that's not the case, by now after 12 years I know him. Anyway, worth considering, thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 23, 2014 7:00 AM GMT
    Have ya'll considered yu are talking to a troll?
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 23, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidHave ya'll considered yu are talking to a troll?


    I wonder who is the troll here ...
  • lgg5819

    Posts: 141

    Jan 23, 2014 7:29 PM GMT
    dudex76 saidI'm sorry. How long was your relationship? I'm quite sure that's not the case, by now after 12 years I know him. Anyway, worth considering, thanks.


    We lasted a year. Not nearly as long as yours, but things moved very fast. We bought a house, dogs, joint bank account, etc. Stupid mistakes on my part, but it all made sense at the time because I was fresh out of school with nothing to lose. Big ol' mess now.
  • dudex76

    Posts: 10

    Jan 26, 2014 11:10 PM GMT
    Hey guys, okey things develop. We talked and agreed. Briefly saying, he doesnt want to have sex with anyone else, promised that after his busy work phase is over going to be more time for us. He accepted that I can have sex with others thou was not very clear on that. We have few written rules too. Going to stay on relationship althou it's more open now. Any other ideas or is this lasting? I'm afraid conflicts raise later.

    Thank u all. icon_smile.gif
  • Ohioguy57

    Posts: 1

    Jan 26, 2014 11:56 PM GMT
    If you think having a more open relationship is the answer but its only that way on your part, good luck.. I dont ever see it being any better with your current man if youre out playing with others.. I was in a relationship for 21 years and when he came to me and said..."lets go open".. i knew it was doomed.. and 6 mos later it was.. That was 10 years ago.. Hes been thru 3 guys since then and still cant find happiness. I stayed single for 4 years, found a good man who is on the same basic sex drive level as me and being now in my early 50s, we dont make it that much a priority. If you can come home to someone who cares and loves you, sex is nice but the comfort of togetherness in time is what makes life good....