Death of a Partner Part 2

  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 24, 2014 2:25 AM GMT
    This is a spin off of another thread which I did not want to hijack so here is the question, how many of you have lost their partners/husbands/boyfriends to accidents, illness? How did you cope with the passing of your mate and move on with your life?
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    Jan 24, 2014 2:27 AM GMT
    I certainly don't look forward to that day.
    I lost my best friend of many years in the 90's and I'm still not over the loss!
    A husband is one thing and a best friend (like in the movie Beaches) is something just as deep, but on a different level.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 24, 2014 2:43 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidMine is alive!


    You have no idea how lucky the two of you are to have each other, alive and well. You just never know when that time would come, so make the most of it.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 24, 2014 2:45 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI certainly don't look forward to that day.
    I lost my best friend of many years in the 90's and I'm still not over the loss!
    A husband is one thing and a best friend (like in the movie Beaches) is something just as deep, but on a different level.


    When you lose a husband, you come home to an empty house everyday and that is the loneliest and heart breaking feeling.
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    Jan 24, 2014 2:45 AM GMT
    My first long-term boyfriend was murdered. A very long time ago.
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    Jan 24, 2014 2:59 AM GMT
    winwin said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI certainly don't look forward to that day.
    I lost my best friend of many years in the 90's and I'm still not over the loss!
    A husband is one thing and a best friend (like in the movie Beaches) is something just as deep, but on a different level.


    When you lose a husband, you come home to an empty house everyday and that is the loneliest and heart breaking feeling.

    I truly feel for you and yes, that has to be awful. Not looking forward to that one day, nor starting over.
    When you lose your best friend, you lose your go-to person that you can tell anything to, and not be judged.
    Best friends are like pets in a way... they practice unconditional love.
    Husbands are very close to you as well, but in a different way. The loss of either has to be very painful.
    It's akin to the love of your life breaking up with you and moving far-far away.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 24, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    winwin said
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI certainly don't look forward to that day.
    I lost my best friend of many years in the 90's and I'm still not over the loss!
    A husband is one thing and a best friend (like in the movie Beaches) is something just as deep, but on a different level.


    When you lose a husband, you come home to an empty house everyday and that is the loneliest and heart breaking feeling.

    I truly feel for you and yes, that has to be awful. Not looking forward to that one day, nor starting over.
    When you lose your best friend, you lose your go-to person that you can tell anything to, and not be judged.
    Best friends are like pets in a way... they practice unconditional love.
    Husbands are very close to you as well, but in a different way. The loss of either has to be very painful.
    It's akin to the love of your life breaking up with you and moving far-far away.


    Love him and hug him every single day, that is something I wish I had done more when he was still living. You don't realize it until they are gone forever.

    He was my husband and also my best friend.
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    Jan 24, 2014 4:09 AM GMT
    winwin saidThis is a spin off of another thread which I did not want to hijack so here is the question, how many of you have lost their partners/husbands/boyfriends to accidents, illness? How did you cope with the passing of your mate and move on with your life?

    I didn't "cope" at all - for the first time in my life I totally fell apart when he died in my arms of AIDS, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

    I completely lost it, and for month afterwards I was a recluse, living in our home office, sleeping on the guest futon, refusing to enter our bedroom, or the living room, or even "his" kitchen. I had food delivered to the front door, rarely going outside. I guess it could be called a nervous breakdown.

    Finally some gay friends did an intervention, and took down the Christmas decorations that were still up in April (he had suddenly gone into dementia the 3rd day of January, and never returned home, dying 6 weeks later). They personally cleaned the kitchen I hadn't touched since that day, and got me back on my feet.

    Once I got going again I was OK. I knew I needed to socialize, but starting outside the community we had known together, which held too many sad memories for me. I just forced myself to do that, and before too long I had a BF. Maybe not the best choice of guys, the rebound effect perhaps. But he became part of my recovery for which I'm grateful, even if it didn't last.

    Today I'm doing fine, with a new partner, who also lost his previous partner to AIDS. And both of us devote ourselves to HIV/AIDS causes, which is how we remember & honor our late partners, whom we still love.
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:02 AM GMT
    Widowed twice from two 10-year relationships. It kills me every day, each day a phoenix.

    You're never single again. You just continue the relationship in your head.

    Given resilience so that you don't let it stop you from loving again, while it weighs heavy in the heart without ever dissipating, the heart stretches to make room for one more. For the right man, I could love again.

    For without loving, the heart dies and I die with it.
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:47 AM GMT
    theantijock saidWidowed twice from two 10-year relationships. It kills me every day, each day a phoenix.

    You're never single again. You just continue the relationship in your head.

    Given resilience so that you don't let it stop you from loving again, while it weighs heavy in the heart without ever dissipating, the heart stretches to make room for one more. For the right man, I could love again.

    For without loving, the heart dies and I die with it.


    my condolences. that would be hard for anyone, gay, straight or otherwise.
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:51 AM GMT
    hairyandym said

    my condolences. that would be hard for anyone, gay, straight or otherwise.


    thanx so much but really I was not fishing. Just waxing poetic as tend sometimes to do. Truth be told I consider the bastards inconsiderate for ruining our plans. Dead people are so rude.
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:53 AM GMT
    oh, i didn't think you were…. and your right, the dead are so self absorbed… its all about them in the end.. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:55 AM GMT
    hairyandym saidoh, i didn't think you were…. and your right, the dead are so self absorbed… its all about them in the end.. icon_wink.gif


    I know. But the whole time I thought they there for me. And then not even an invite to join them. Do you know that not one of them has bothered to write!
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:58 AM GMT
    bastards… i wouldn't go now.. Just to be spiteful!!
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    Jan 24, 2014 5:59 AM GMT
    Don't think I haven't considered it.

    But if I recall the OP's story, he's gone through a tragedy. And babe, you gotta find your way through it. That's life.
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    Jan 24, 2014 6:07 AM GMT
    yes, my apologies to the OP. Find strength, they would want you too.
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    Jan 24, 2014 6:16 AM GMT
    Humor can be a very good way of dealing with death. I probably broke out into inappropriate laughter at just about every funeral. And I've been to a bunch.

    I get so tired of it. And at this age I can hardly talk to an old friend without learning of the death of another one of our schoolmates. I just learned about two more this week including the brother of one of my friends who I'll be with soon, when a bunch of us are getting together.

    Sixty one and he just dropped dead. I forgot to mention something to one friend, called back and he says first thing: don't tell me another one died. They are dropping like flies. The proverbial. That's life. And part of life is learning to accept life. Part of life is finding ways to live with life.

    "...certain is death for the born and certain is birth for the dead; therefore, over the inevitable thou shouldst not grieve."~~Bhagavad Gita
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    Jan 24, 2014 12:36 PM GMT
    I have family members who went through this and I have no idea how they did it. If you hate eachother it's probably not that hard, but they loved eachother to bits.
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    Jan 24, 2014 6:36 PM GMT
    Truppensturm saidI have family members who went through this and I have no idea how they did it. If you hate each other it's probably not that hard, but they loved each other to bits.


    Possibly but don't count on it. The brother of an old friend of mine just dropped dead, an event that normally my friend would have suggested as the brother was always a bit of a douche. But now my friend has a ton of unresolved issues with no chance of ever putting them to rest, though he flew to participate in putting his brother, who he hadn't spoken to in years, to rest. I called a few days ago, he sounded terrible. Death is hard to stop, often working its way inside even when you've put up some barriers.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 24, 2014 7:44 PM GMT
    I've lost two partners and a best friend. First partner died of a brain tumor, 1997. Best friend committed suicide, 1999. Second partner died of HIV related complications, November 2010, although we hadn't been together for many years. The latter one is weird because we still loved one another but were incompatible.

    Of the three, the first was the worst because it was so sudden and unexpected. How did I deal? Hmm… well, at that time I had a lot of friends (mostly gay) so I got a lot of emotional support from them and *his* family (not mine), especially his younger brother with whom my partner had been very close. I also had a practice of grounding myself and keeping my attention focused in the present, which really helped.

    Death can be a real eye-opener: Putting what is and ins't important in perspective. Indeed, take no one of importance to you for granted and make the most of what time you have with them. Unfortunately, its a lesson often learned too late.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 25, 2014 1:14 AM GMT
    MikeW saidI've lost two partners and a best friend. First partner died of a brain tumor, 1997. Best friend committed suicide, 1999. Second partner died of HIV related complications, November 2010, although we hadn't been together for many years. The latter one is weird because we still loved one another but were incompatible.

    Of the three, the first was the worst because it was so sudden and unexpected. How did I deal? Hmm… well, at that time I had a lot of friends (mostly gay) so I got a lot of emotional support from them and *his* family (not mine), especially his younger brother with whom my partner had been very close. I also had a practice of grounding myself and keeping my attention focused in the present, which really helped.

    Death can be a real eye-opener: Putting what is and ins't important in perspective. Indeed, take no one of importance to you for granted and make the most of what time you have with them. Unfortunately, its a lesson often learned too late.


    You were very fortunate to have support from your friends. When he died I was all alone, my parents were retired and living in FL, friends moved to other states. The only people left that I knew were his side of the family and they were just not nice people who made sure that I gave them everything that we owned together. In the end, they made my life so miserable that I had to leave the state just to get away from them as far as possible.
  • MikeW

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    Jan 25, 2014 1:30 AM GMT
    winwin saidYou were very fortunate to have support from your friends. When he died I was all alone, my parents were retired and living in FL, friends moved to other states. The only people left that I knew were his side of the family and they were just not nice people who made sure that I gave them everything that we owned together. In the end, they made my life so miserable that I had to leave the state just to get away from them as far as possible.

    Sorry to hear that. I know, I've heard horror stories like this before.

    Yes, I was very fortunate to have that support and I knew it at the time, too. It was a bit odd in that David (my partner) had been estranged from his whole (quite wealthy) family except for the one younger brother. I'd not met any of them except for him. In fact, when David was diagnosed he made it quite clear to me that he did NOT want to see any of his family *except* his younger brother.

    This put me in a very awkward position (having his medical power of attorney). His older sister and brother (twins) both begged me to talk with David on their behalf. I did so, of course, and David finally agreed to see his sister but not the older brother -- and I had to be the bearer of that sad news.

    All this took place in a matter of days. He went into a coma just a few days after his diagnosis and was being kept alive via a ventilator. It was up to me to make the decision to terminate and, since David could no longer object, I saw to it that all the family who wished to be were present during that procedure.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jan 25, 2014 1:51 AM GMT
    When Gary died I was visiting my parents in FL and I was the first to know that he had died because he failed to call me and I had to call my neighbor to check on him. They found him dead from a heart attack.

    I immediately flew back home and when I arrived home, his brothers had already had his body removed and made it very clear to me that I was not allowed to his funeral nor at the morgue. The last time I saw him was when he had dropped me off at the airport. I still remember we were talking and laughing and joking all the way to the airport. We hugged and kissed each other before I boarded the plane, not knowing that my life was about to drastically change. That was the last time I saw him and we were together for 13 years.
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    Jan 25, 2014 1:56 AM GMT
    winwin said
    You were very fortunate to have support from your friends. When he died I was all alone, my parents were retired and living in FL, friends moved to other states. The only people left that I knew were his side of the family and they were just not nice people who made sure that I gave them everything that we owned together. In the end, they made my life so miserable that I had to leave the state just to get away from them as far as possible.

    WOW, that touched me. My late partner lost his previous partner to AIDS, as I knew. And left him poz, due to his partner's cheating.

    My future partner bankrupted himself paying for the medical bills, that the family refused to cover. His partner's mother wanted nothing to do with her AIDS son.

    And then his partner died. Suddenly the mother appeared, and took control of the remains, and the funeral arrangements. She had done nothing during the illness, contributed nothing, but now she was exerting her legal rights in Texas.

    She excluded his partner (later mine) from the funeral, gave no acknowledgment to him at the services, though they'd lived together for 12 years. And he had covered all the uninsured medical expenses, not the family, who gave not a penny.

    Then a few weeks later he came home from work, and found a moving truck outside their home. All the contents were being removed. The mother was there, and had a Texas court order.

    She stripped the house, taking everything, even personal possessions they jointly owned, and clothing that belonged to my future partner. It was all legal in Texas.

    When I met him he was barely getting by, in a small rental place. I wanted to live with him in Texas, but he said he'd had enough of Houston (not surprisingly). I moved us to another State. And then 2 years later he died of AIDS himself, that his late cheating partner had given him.

    I've been through a lot of crap, in not too many years. More than I hope you here will ever have to face. But I assume it comes with the territory, and I never complain. I remain happier gay than I ever was when I thought I was straight. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 25, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    Jaggal saidicon_surprised.gif


    XD

    This little random face Killed me. . .