How do I tell my boyfriend that he is hurting me in bed?


  • Jan 26, 2014 7:15 PM GMT
    I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now and he's recently been initiating some kinky stuff in bed. It started off pretty gentle just some light spanking here and there but now it's progressed to the point where he is causing me actual pain and using the fact that he is bigger than me to hold me down and force it to go on longer than I want it to. I always laugh it off and act like I enjoy it because I don't want to dissapoint him, but it's no longer turning me on. The final straw came this past weekend when he covered my mouth and restricted my breathing while we were fucking. That incident genuinely terrified me and I need to approach him about it but I don't know how...

  • Jan 26, 2014 7:37 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidTalk to him.


    I know I need to talk to him I just don't know what to say.
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    Jan 26, 2014 8:18 PM GMT
    "To be honest, I don't like what you're doing you need to stop". If you are just laughing at this point he might think you like it and he is trying to please you. If he balks at stopping though, dump him. It is not worth it and you could get hurt. Some people really get off on cruelty, hurting others, and that is not safe. If you can't be honest with your lover about this stuff, there is a problem, as a rule of thumb.
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    Jan 26, 2014 11:07 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend probably thinks you're into it. I mean, you are pretending you like it. Just tell him you want him to take it more easy. If he's not a total asshole, I'm sure he'll understand.
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    Jan 28, 2014 2:33 AM GMT
    strongbull said"To be honest, I don't like what you're doing you need to stop". If you are just laughing at this point he might think you like it and he is trying to please you. If he balks at stopping though, dump him. It is not worth it and you could get hurt. Some people really get off on cruelty, hurting others, and that is not safe. If you can't be honest with your lover about this stuff, there is a problem, as a rule of thumb.


    well said.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 28, 2014 2:38 AM GMT
    When talking to him, suggest setting up a set of code words for when you guys are getting kinky. Green for "go" or "good", Yellow for "I like it, but ease up" and Red for "Stop".

    That way, you can still play and fantasize, even with you 'protesting' by saying "stop" but when you say "Red" he knows you mean it.
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    Jan 28, 2014 2:38 AM GMT
    Timbales saidWhen talking to him, suggest setting up a set of code words for when you guys are getting kinky. Green for "go" or "good", Yellow for "I like it, but ease up" and Red for "Stop".

    That way, you can still play and fantasize, even with you 'protesting' by saying "stop" but when you say "Red" he knows you mean it.


    This.
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    Jan 28, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    Timbales saidWhen talking to him, suggest setting up a set of code words for when you guys are getting kinky. Green for "go" or "good", Yellow for "I like it, but ease up" and Red for "Stop".

    That way, you can still play and fantasize, even with you 'protesting' by saying "stop" but when you say "Red" he knows you mean it.


    the safe word is bananas!
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jan 28, 2014 9:34 PM GMT
    if you are afraid to talk...just say "honey...im kinda feeling like this guy when we have sex"

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    Jan 28, 2014 10:02 PM GMT
    Sometimes we want to please our partners by playing out their fantasies (that you do not necessary share) and that's fine, but if it starts feeling uncomfortable for you, you should always voice it.

    Just tell him that you do enjoy having sex with him, but that the BDSM stuff has gone too far for you, and that it's not pleasurable or fun anymore. He probably believes that you like it just as much as he does and it might have been why things escalated. Set your limits as to what you find really enjoyable ("I like when you spank me lightly") and what you don't ("I felt really threatened last night when you restricted my breathing, even though I know that wasn't your intent").Just be frank, but don't put his fantasies down either: to each his own. Don't accuse him of anything, be as gentle as you can. I'm sure he'll understand.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 28, 2014 11:33 PM GMT
    willular said
    Timbales saidWhen talking to him, suggest setting up a set of code words for when you guys are getting kinky. Green for "go" or "good", Yellow for "I like it, but ease up" and Red for "Stop".

    That way, you can still play and fantasize, even with you 'protesting' by saying "stop" but when you say "Red" he knows you mean it.


    the safe word is bananas!


    my safe word is "harder"
  • GiveItTime

    Posts: 28

    Feb 15, 2014 8:59 AM GMT
    Try moaning louder icon_eek.gif lol jk tell him...
  • GiveItTime

    Posts: 28

    Feb 15, 2014 9:10 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidTalk to him.


    Yeah I think the best/easiest way would be to talk to him for sure. You might be able to bring it up when you guys are about to have sex by saying... "Can we take it a little bit easier this time" or something like that.