Question about what we look for in others...

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    Dec 16, 2008 6:06 AM GMT
    So I've been thinking about what most people seem to be looking for in their relationships. And yes I realize that when I say most I realize I'm making a generalization, but indulge me for a moment. If we can divide a person into 3 parts: the mind, the body, the soul/heart, what order of importance do you think most people place on the three?

    If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say most gay guys look at how physically attractive a guy is, might venture to see if he has a clue about the world, and consider compassion optional. But why? Isn't it true that the body is the easiest of the three to change, in that almost anyone with will power, hard work, and dumbbells can look better; that the mind can take longer than the body to train but is still expandable; but that having a heart can take a lifetime of pain and experience? Why do you think most people place more weight on superficial than on what can't be seen? Or did I just answer my own question...
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    Dec 16, 2008 8:39 AM GMT
    For me, the whole equation is a 40/40/20 split. None of us can really deny the physical attraction part. Afterall, for the vast majority of people, this is how they get to the beginning, that physical attractiveness to them. For me, I recognize and accept that, but I only give it a 20% weight. It takes time to really get to know someone's heart and also time to allow someone to know yours. The connection for me is the mind, talking to them and figuring out if this could be a match for love, for friends or no match at all. I think if more people spent time dating instead of hooking up, the journey to love would be better spent and much better to knowing ourselves, what we want and what we don't want. I weigh the mind and heart equally because of course I want someone who will love me, but who will also let me love him back and has the capacity of compassion for those around him. As to the mind, I would hope that he is passionate about what goes on around him in his world and the world at large, caring about something greater than himself.
    From what I have seen with the people I come in contact with is it seems to be more important the best his body can be first, the size of his penis next and then if he has a brain and will love, these are icing on the cake. For me, all men have penises and they come in all sizes, shapes and colors. I am more interested in who is attached to the penis. Yea, I'm one of the take home to mama kind of guys, but that is not to say that the hottest bodies don't have the brains and the heart every mom wants in the guy for her son. It just might take a bit longer to find it there. Just keep in mind that the possibility of the cute guy with 15% body fat may be more the keeper than the one who has 5% body fat. Substance is key for me.
  • TallGWMvballe...

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    Dec 16, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    Of course, it is the physical characteristics that first gets our attention, but that attraction is instantly modified when we see their behavior towards us and others. It is the interaction that comes afterwards, the communication of spoken words and social actions that will shape our feelings and perceptions of heart and soul. The compassion for the world you speak of is often not important to many guys but your mind is always growing/changing or should be.... new experiences bring new concepts and therefore shape your heart and soul.
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    Dec 16, 2008 7:17 PM GMT

    Good question,

    Physical looks are only that; it really seems important at first, but I feel anyone dating could keep a broad perspective and not just look for 'best in show' but how much that person turns them on instead, slight belly, quirky eyebrows, skinny legs and all. It's what the combo does to your insides that counts, we both think.

    "If we can divide a person into 3 parts: the mind, the body, the soul/heart, what order of importance do you think most people place on the three?"

    Most? No survey handy for that one. So I don't dare answer!
    The mind and heart are tops, for anything more to happen. Most important of all is the way all 3 parts interact with each other. The smile that dazzles is inspired by the heart. The way the body moves and looks when that mind of theirs decides to open that body's mouth. heheh

    Lovemaking, a physical expression inspired by the mind AND the heart.
    How about a pleasing looking guy with an intelligent but dirty mind and a puppy's heart? MMMhhmmmm!

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Dec 16, 2008 7:27 PM GMT
    mylifemypain saidSo I've been thinking about what most people seem to be looking for in their relationships. And yes I realize that when I say most I realize I'm making a generalization, but indulge me for a moment. If we can divide a person into 3 parts: the mind, the body, the soul/heart, what order of importance do you think most people place on the three?

    If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say most gay guys look at how physically attractive a guy is, might venture to see if he has a clue about the world, and consider compassion optional. But why? Isn't it true that the body is the easiest of the three to change, in that almost anyone with will power, hard work, and dumbbells can look better; that the mind can take longer than the body to train but is still expandable; but that having a heart can take a lifetime of pain and experience? Why do you think most people place more weight on superficial than on what can't be seen? Or did I just answer my own question...


    The physical is what usually grabs me first, however its also the first thing I become bored with and it also becomes incredibly unattractive when the personality isn't right, if they are an arse, then they will become very unattractive both mentally and physically.

    On the other hand, give me enough time to get to know someone and physical stuff isn't as important, there personality will start to make them physically more attractive too me.

    There are limitations however, but generally, for most guys, thats how it works for me.

    Now to answer your question, yes the human body is the easiest thing to change, however there is a mental part to doing it, it takes a lot of effort and dedication to change the body and change of body brings about change of mind too, thus the mind is also easy to change when you apply the same amount of care and diligents to changing who you are mentally as to physically.
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    Dec 16, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    The physical is what usually grabs me first, however its also the first thing I become bored with and it also becomes incredibly unattractive when the personality isn't right, if they are an arse, then they will become very unattractive both mentally and physically.


    I agree with this but I tend to think of it on a sliding scale. It is the visual that attracts me at first with the intangibles lagging far behind. Once we start to get to know each other, then the pendulum swings back. Looks become quite secondary. It is the heart and mind that will hold me after the initial connection. So I'll admit to 80+% visual before we've spoken.
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    Dec 16, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
    Heart, mind, body in that priority. Won't give them percentages, can vary with the person. If a man doesn't have a great heart/soul, the rest are meaningless to me.
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Dec 16, 2008 8:08 PM GMT
    The body is what catches my attention, the mind is what keeps me interested, and the heart is what makes me stay.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 16, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    DanielQQ saidThe body is what catches my attention, the mind is what keeps me interested, and the heart is what makes me stay.



    I Agree with this whole heartedly!
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    Dec 16, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    After reading some of the postings recently on RJ, someone that has a generous heart and does not jump to conclusions. Also a brain that is there for more than keeping their ears apart. icon_twisted.gif

    Fortunately my partner fits all these criterion, that is why we are still together.