Coworkers trying to get me a girlfriend

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    Hello all:

    I have a well-meaning coworker who knows that I am single and who is determined to set me up with somebody. She doesn't know I'm gay. I'm not out to most of my coworkers and would like to keep it that way. Avoiding this particular coworker is not an option, both because I like her and because we have to work together. I toyed with the idea of telling her that I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now, but I strongly suspect she will be able to tell that I am lying.

    Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Any suggestions?
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    Feb 04, 2014 4:38 PM GMT
    Have you tried saying politely, "No, thank you?" And if she keeps pushing, change the subject.
    This problem arises because you haven't set any boundaries with this person. Time to set at least this one.
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    Feb 04, 2014 4:40 PM GMT

    " I toyed with the idea of telling her that I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now, but I strongly suspect she will be able to tell that I am lying."

    How is that a lie? You're not interested in meeting a girl for dating, are you?
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    Feb 04, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    I had that exerience, too. 1982 in Alabama. A fellow Army Captain and his wife determined that I needed a girlfriend. A nice couple, good friends, and I actually built, from the ground-up with own little gay hands, a room onto the side of the off-post house they owned. Add carpenter to the list of my dubious accomplishments. icon_eek.gif

    Anyway, they had me meet her at a church social after attending Sunday services there with them. Sweet girl, but probably had rarely been outside the county in all her 24 years.

    Why they thought this rural innocent & I could have anything in common astonished me. We had a few dates, no sex, and dropped it.

    Later I did start dating a local woman for a year, still under the self-delusion that I was straight. I don't know whether my Captain friend suspected I was gay, and needed correction, or he was just responding to the unwritten policy that the Army abhors unmarried Officers, and thought he was doing me a career favor. But even when I myself thought I was straight, the "matchmaking" of him and his wife was not welcome.
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    Feb 04, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    Tell her you don't want to meet anybody through work in case it gets complicated and awkward. Unless of course it's Pablo in Accounting.
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    Feb 04, 2014 5:05 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidTell her you don't want to meet anybody through work in case it gets complicated and awkward. Unless of course it's Pablo in Accounting.

    Exactly. Tell her you want to keep work and dating completely separate.
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    Feb 04, 2014 5:36 PM GMT
    Just politely tell her that when looking for dates you really would rather do it yourself. You have your own mental checklist that you use and you'd rather not be 'fixed up' but you appreciate her consideration. You don't need to tell her that your mental checklist begins with 'must be a guy'. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 04, 2014 5:48 PM GMT
    mnrunnerguy saidHello all:

    I have a well-meaning coworker who knows that I am single and who is determined to set me up with somebody. She doesn't know I'm gay. I'm not out to most of my coworkers and would like to keep it that way. Avoiding this particular coworker is not an option, both because I like her and because we have to work together. I toyed with the idea of telling her that I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now, but I strongly suspect she will be able to tell that I am lying.

    Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Any suggestions?

    Just tell her you are not into set ups and prefer to do your own hunting. Tell her, no offense but you have been set up before and it always ends badly because it is usually someones friend and when it doesn't work out it makes things uncomfortable.

    I've had straight people try to set me up with guys. I just politely decline and tell them I don't like being set up on blind dates.
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    Feb 04, 2014 5:55 PM GMT
    this may works:
    say your currently married separated getting/talking about a divorce. trying to clear up an old marriage. something along those lines.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    You could say that you are taking a few months off dating because you are riddled with STDs
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    Feb 04, 2014 8:21 PM GMT
    mnrunnerguy said [blah, blah, blah, me so scuurd...] Any suggestions?


    Grow a pair.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 8:24 PM GMT
    Tell her that you found the perfect hiding place and they'll never find the corpse of your last girlfriend.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Feb 04, 2014 8:53 PM GMT
    Sometimes you need the nuts to tell others you're gay. If you can't do that..You disappoint.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2014 8:59 PM GMT
    Just say that you aren't interested, that's not hard to say at all.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 04, 2014 9:05 PM GMT
    Before I was out I had coworkers and friends trying to set me up all the time. My standard response was "I don't do setups. I've tried it and don't like it but Thanks." It works, you can repeat it. You don't have to remember what you said. The problem is that these people must like you and you don't want to be rude when they're trying to be nice. So just tell them you don't do setups. I found they actually will respect a guy who is in charge of his own life.
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    Feb 04, 2014 9:17 PM GMT
    Report her to HR.
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    Feb 04, 2014 9:28 PM GMT
    Back before I came out, it wasn't only co-workers trying to set me up, but well meaning friends and some close relatives. They meant well, and I'd had girlfriends, so they didn't know that my life was taking a new direction. I just kept saying "no thanks". Sooner or later I began hearing things like, "He's so dedicated to his career, there isn't a woman alive who could tear him away from his work."
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 04, 2014 9:43 PM GMT
    She may actually be offering herself and, in fact, may not even realize it. Arrgh!

    The next time she brings it up, just reply calmly with something like, "This is a very personal matter and I would rather deal with it myself. Besides, we are at work and this is not the place to deal with such things."

    All of the jokes and evasions are not dealing with the fact that this is simply not her business.

    There is a broader issue here that work is separate from private life but that is probably another thread completely.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Feb 05, 2014 12:32 AM GMT
    Sit her down and tell her:

    "Okay, we have a problem here.
    I know you mean well when you try to fix me up with dates.
    But, I want you to stop it."

    She will ask you a question.
    DO NOT ANSWER HER QUESTIONS.

    You respond:
    "Did you hear me ? Stop it."

    And, keep repeating it until she says, "Okay."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2014 12:44 AM GMT
    tell them you want a girlfriend with a big cock hahaha
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    Feb 05, 2014 12:46 AM GMT
    Yikes...run run as fast as you can...but eventually you'll have to do something about it man...Show up with a hot boy toy at a business party, that'll shut'em up hahaa.

    For now, say you're not in the right place to get into a relationship as you are to busy or in the midst of other things that don't allow you to fully commit to dating anyone for a while...
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    Feb 05, 2014 12:53 AM GMT
    Jaggal said
    _SAGE_ said
    mnrunnerguy said [blah, blah, blah, me so scuurd...] Any suggestions?


    Grow a pair.


    Yup


    Hate when people say this shit to someone who is trying to figure out their life. He should come out on his terms. Even if he were out in his personal life, there are many reasons why he should come out to coworkers on his own time.
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    Feb 05, 2014 1:02 AM GMT
    Myol said
    Jaggal said
    _SAGE_ said
    mnrunnerguy said [blah, blah, blah, me so scuurd...] Any suggestions?


    Grow a pair.


    Yup


    Hate when people say this shit to someone who is trying to figure out their life. He should come out on his terms. Even if he were out in his personal life, there are many reasons why he should come out to coworkers on his own time.


    Why do you assume that is necessarily what I meant?

    Growing a pair means taking control of the situation, establishing appropriate boundaries, and being firm (yet respectful) with someone who is doing something you don't want/like in relation to you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2014 1:13 AM GMT
    let her you might surprise yourself!
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    Feb 05, 2014 1:23 AM GMT
    _SAGE_ said
    Myol said
    Jaggal said
    _SAGE_ said
    mnrunnerguy said [blah, blah, blah, me so scuurd...] Any suggestions?


    Grow a pair.


    Yup


    Hate when people say this shit to someone who is trying to figure out their life. He should come out on his terms. Even if he were out in his personal life, there are many reasons why he should come out to coworkers on his own time.


    Why do you assume that is necessarily what I meant?

    Growing a pair means taking control of the situation, establishing appropriate boundaries, and being firm (yet respectful) with someone who is doing something you don't want/like in relation to you.



    Well your response was "blah, blah, blah... me so scared... grow a pair." Pretty non-encouraging statement, mocking the guy and giving minimal advice. How the hell was he or anyone supposed to assume that "grow a pair" is so neatly defined as "taking control of the situation, establishing boundaries, and being firm (yet respectful) with someone who is doing something that you don't want/like in relation to you?" I like your response to me. And I agree.