Serial monogamy

  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 06, 2014 3:29 AM GMT
    In "rapid" succession. The past year I had a 1 month relationship, followed 3 months later by a 2 week relationship, followed a month later by a 2 month relationship, followed a month later by a 2 month relationship. I'm LTR minded, and obviously prefer spending the whole year with one guy, but I keep finding something wrong with him that makes him undateable for the long term.

    My friend recently informed me that I'm developing a "reputation", and that my squeaky clean image has faded.

    I didn't think I did anything wrong. I only had sex with two of them (the 2-week and one of the 2 month relationships), didn't even grindr it up while in a relationship; didn't hookup while between relationships, and all of the guys I just happen to met at a club or through friends, hence my friends are more keenly aware of my sex life than otherwise would have. Is there anything to this pattern that might say something that isn't obvious to me right now?
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    Feb 06, 2014 3:56 PM GMT
    That's trial and error, which is all part of the process.
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    Feb 06, 2014 5:35 PM GMT


    The only thing you haven't explained is HOW you went about it, and HOW you treated those you decided weren't right for you.

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    Feb 06, 2014 6:06 PM GMT
    I read about this term, when I was reading about STDs. It was stated as one of the reasons, that people get STDs. I hope you used safety with all of them. As per the article, "serial Monogamy" is getting popular amongst the young generation. Whose intentions are to find the right guy.
  • frogman89

    Posts: 418

    Feb 06, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    To me, none of those were relationships. You dated guys for a few weeks, but that's it. You can't tell me you had feelings for either one of them. Sorry buddy, but that's ridiculous.
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    Feb 06, 2014 8:25 PM GMT
    it sounds like u were jus dating guys one after the other.. i wudnt classify them as relationships..
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    Feb 06, 2014 10:15 PM GMT
    frogman89 saidTo me, none of those were relationships. You dated guys for a few weeks, but that's it. You can't tell me you had feelings for either one of them. Sorry buddy, but that's ridiculous.

    Thank you. I agree, there was NO relationship here. A relationship doesn't start in a week, month or sometimes even 3 months. You were dating and you didn't like something about the guys, so you ended it. I think that's great.

    I do agree with some of these other guys that say you did nothing wrong. Discovering who you are, what you like and what turns you on can only be done by dating a variety of guys. If others feel it necessary to view that as slutty, then screw 'em (might learn something there too! LOL) When the right person comes into your life, you will already know what you like and what you don't, you'll know what's negotiable and what is not. In the end, you'll be happy that you were able to recognize what wouldn't work while waiting for the guy that can offer you the most and make you the happiest and vice versa.

    As for serial monogamy, that's a crazy made up term. What the hell does it mean anyway, you're monogamous for the entire day? week? month? year? Crazy, just crazy, drop that from your vocabulary. If monogamy is something you want then date guys and while dating them be monogamous. If it doesn't work out then get back in the game and find another guy that you think might be someone you want to know. You'll do just fine and you're learning along the way! Congrats!!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 06, 2014 10:28 PM GMT
    Dating is cool but to me, it does sound like you're trying too hard or maybe want too much to be in a relationship. Slow down and take it easy. Don't place "relationship" expectation on every guy. Just get to know him and be open to the idea that he may be quite different than what you think you're looking for. Look for what is good in him and give him room to breathe. As someone else said, try making a friend first. I'm making a lot of assumptions here because your profile is mostly empty but the one thing you do show in very picture is you and someone else. Try refining that to just you and you be comfortable presenting just you, not just in a profile, but you as an individual. Whole, complete. Then try being that person while getting to know someone.
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    Feb 06, 2014 11:52 PM GMT
    2 weeks does not make a relationship.How about dating for a few months before deciding to be exclusive.Sounds like the teenage gays who cant wait to say "this is my BF"Slow it down Mary lol
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 07, 2014 1:56 AM GMT
    Yeah, I agree that none of these were relationships. I wouldn't call any of them "boyfriend", but we were exclusive, and for lack of a better noun to use at 2am...

    I wasn't even actively seeking a relationship (no accounts anywhere except Grindr, the only function of which is to help me avoid sluts). The guys I met were all by chance, and they were very hard to hide from my friends, who after the 2nd or 3rd week of each relationship, start inventing cute couple names for us - against my protests - only to be disappointed weeks later when we break up.

    To answer meninlove, I always aim to be clear, swift, and humane in breaking up, hence I'm friends with all my exes. I'm also very upfront about issues during the "relationship". Other than one case, all the other guys knew why an LTR wouldn't work anyway, (one had to move for school in a year, one was too different in maturity as we both realized, one knew our chemistry was terrible outside of bed, one felt like he'd end up with his own race eventually), so there wasn't any heartbreak, that I perceived at least.

    I call it serial monogamy because part of me thinks something about the rapid succession of dates make it inferior to regular monogamy.

    I'm also too lazy to take selfies.
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    Feb 07, 2014 3:34 AM GMT

    "To answer meninlove, I always aim to be clear, swift, and humane in breaking up, hence I'm friends with all my exes. I'm also very upfront about issues during the "relationship". Other than one case, all the other guys knew why an LTR wouldn't work anyway, (one had to move for school in a year, one was too different in maturity as we both realized, one knew our chemistry was terrible outside of bed, one felt like he'd end up with his own race eventually), so there wasn't any heartbreak, that I perceived at least."

    Don't want to judge you. But, maybe, just maybe you also need to work on adjusting with other people.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Feb 07, 2014 3:40 AM GMT
    If I were you ,I wouldn't give a flyin fuck what your friends thought..it may be pangs of jealously on their part..Next time "these friends" bring this issue up say this, "YOU CAUSE JELLY".
  • Quasar

    Posts: 14

    Feb 09, 2014 12:10 AM GMT
    These all seem to be mere flings, not exactly anything serious. A couple months isnt enough time to get to know someone. If you consistently see something that "doesnt work" I would venture to guess that perhaps the issue could be you. Are you willing to work through an issue and develop with someone, or are you expecting to find a perfect guy who never does or says anything that makes him "undateable". If you are, its not gonna happen. Relationships are learning how to work through flaws, if you find them and run, youre not going to have something that lasts.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Feb 09, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    What you are doing is called dating. It sounds like you are doing it right (one guy at a time). You are fine.
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    Feb 09, 2014 4:15 AM GMT
    They're not really relationship, because the time frame is so short. You're just dating and exploring your option, which is fine. I'd call anything over 4-5 months and longer to be a serious relationship. Anything about 3 months or less is just dating phase. It's cool, you want what you want, you don't have to lower your expectations if you don't want to.
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    Feb 09, 2014 4:27 AM GMT
    Your profile says you have only been out a year. If this is true, I think you are just getting your "sea legs" as it were.

    Beyond that, there is no one right way to date, but that is all you are doing - dating. Experience is the best way to figure something out. You also live in an area where there are tons of guys to date which also means a ton of diversity in the type of guys you will come across... Not all of them will be homers.

    I say date away. You will eventually find a guy you vibe with for something longer.

    Good luck
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    Feb 09, 2014 4:48 AM GMT
    man you've had more "relationships" in a year than i've had my entire life.

    sounds like you'll drop your pants for anything, hoping it'll stick, slow down for god's sake
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Feb 10, 2014 12:40 AM GMT
    mybud saidIf I were you ,I wouldn't give a flyin fuck what your friends thought..it may be pangs of jealously on their part..Next time "these friends" bring this issue up say this, "YOU CAUSE JELLY".


    They're not jelly; most of them are in long term relationships already and I know them well enough to know they're looking out for me.

    Maybe it's the setting... 3 of the 4 guys I met at clubs... maybe something about the quality of people there, and the spontaneity that hampers good judgment...

    My friend elaborated on his opinion, in that I apparently only date guys for their looks, citing the fact that with 2 of the 3 guys from the clubs whom I dated, I made out with the guys there and then, and allegedly only went on to date them in an attempt to legitimize the physical relationship; hence the personality part must have been an afterthought.

    Maybe it's too much to ask for online, but I'm hoping for insights at that level, rather than "lower your standards" or "that's life". Can answer questions from anyone willing to play armchair shrink lol
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    Feb 10, 2014 1:56 AM GMT


    Whytehot, thanks for your reply. You're doing it right.

    No one can know unless they try. You had 5 affairs, and two of them included trysts. You did it exploring L O V E. That's even better.

    You ended them with class.
    And that's even better.

    You remained friends.

    And that's even better!

    Here's one thing you could do. Forgive the envious friend. icon_wink.gif

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    Feb 10, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    One more thing, you're 32 and have only been out for about a year. I think some here missed that part (on your profile).

    By the time I was 32 I'd had well over one hundred different dates, a lot of them romantic affairs, a few one night stands, sex with about 30, and several serious relationships.

    I met Bill at 34.

    PS bear in mind that in my day sex was not defined solely as anal intercourse. I'm still trying to get my head around that ridiculous definition