Sub-Category: Gay Mental Health Pump up that love-one-another muscle!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    I joined this site less than 2 months ago. I loved it and I still do! This has been such a tough year for me and the kindness that you guys have extended to me has been so powerful and healing in many ways, you'll never even know... To every dude out that who has been even the smallest bit generous with fitness tips, or complimentary, or consoling... you have no idea what healing that can give to a person. So thank you ;-)!

    Having said all of that.... I was really discouraged when I started reading some of these forums. What I have noticed, for the most part, is that usually it starts out with someone putting out an agenda. Soon, a lot of people start to post about that topic and the first negative thing that is said, that person gets attacked and then the forum typically becomes a place to attack the guy who seems to be the most ignorant among that group. All the while, the original meaning or reason for that forum has been lost.

    I read this one forum this young man had posted about his frustrations with dating. Granted... he probably shouldn't have posted out of anger... but its clear this young man was just hurting and venting. There were over 50 posts in response to him and not one man made a point to say, it gets better, or it won't always be this way... etc... They just kept attacking him for sounding ignorant and misspelling things, and posting too many pictures, and being hypocritical... there were other attacks on him as well but I think you get it....

    Now, Im not claiming that what everybody was saying wasn't valid.... In another context, I may not even be in disagreement with what these guys were saying. But in this context, I was in disagreement that he was being attacked by so many men; so many men who for the most part were much older than him and I'm sure have all been there before.

    My sadness with this is that this happens in a lot of our forums guys. As gay men, even now in 2014, we know the feeling of oppression. We are not completely equal legally, and certainly not socially.... At least not everywhere. I don't think it does our fight for equality any good to not appear or promote unity among our own people.

    It has been my experience in my own life that gay men can be quick to rip each other apart when a lot of them get together. From either dubbing it 'playful banter' while using negative and extreme tones attempting to bust each others' balls, to straight up verbal attacks... It just seems to be a general standard that gay men are bitches (pardon my expression) to one another and thats just fine... I do not like that. What does it promote? What are we setting the standard for our young gays who have only us to look up to?
    Author Gregory Maguire used the phrase "a coven of vipers" to describe a group of girls that seemed to always be at each others throats in WICKED. Well, we aren't school girls, we know the feeling it brings, we aren't helping anyone (including ourselves) by attacking each other, I just don't get why we often seem to be bitchy to one another. I have my theories... But for the most part I think the answer is beyond my understanding.

    I don't think its fair that we should be held to a higher standard than our hetero-counterparts... But even still, I think we are.

    I also think its important that we recognize our inequalities that are still in existence, and understand that what we do holds more power (for good or for wicked) because of our community's constant attention. We will never be equal until we are truly equal... and right, society has its spotlight on us to determine who we are in their world. I feel the more we hurt each other, the more damage we produce, the less safe our own gays feel, the more destructive behaviors result, the less success achieved, and the cycle of the "typical gay" seems to continue to re-establish itself. And all for what?

    If this post has offended anybody, I am very sorry. I would just like to encourage everyone to be mindful about how you present yourselves and communicate with each other, if you are lashing out for any reason, is it really worth it?

    I also apologize for any typos and grammatical errors when writing this post.

    I'd love to hear people's thoughts, just please remember to stay respectful if in disagreement and also that passive aggressive is still aggressive... Play nice and just love each other boys! :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2014 7:51 PM GMT
    I 100% Agree

    Great Job Man! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2014 8:04 PM GMT
    Never talked to you before, but that's pretty much how some of these guys function on here. I mostly ignore it unless they keep picking at me ( which happened today) then just put them back in their place icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 06, 2014 8:30 PM GMT
    _Behemoth_ saidNever talked to you before, but that's pretty much how some of these guys function on here. I mostly ignore it unless they keep picking at me ( which happened today) then just put them back in their place icon_wink.gif




    Hey man, Im sure putting them in their place in front of everyone made you feel better, but again, what does it promote? Sometimes saying nothing says more than lashing back. I think it teaches more too... just my opinion though... I'm curious to see how others feel.
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    Feb 06, 2014 8:33 PM GMT
    Doesn't really feel like anything as long as they stop harassing you they get the point. All it takes is a simple " leave me alone,back off, chill out " something like that..if you argue with them they will just keep on all day
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    Feb 06, 2014 11:19 PM GMT
    Jaggal saidAs many on this forum agree, the gay community is generally viscous, and unappealing. That being said, there are a ton of great guys on RJ, and ignoring some of the more superficial and trolling comments, you will realize how great they are by private message icon_smile.gif



    Hey man! I don't disagree with anything you just said. RJ is different in terms of one-on-one communication than I have ever experienced with any other gay social network. In my opinion, Its the best! at least my favorite...

    The only thing I'd like to add is that it upsets me that we, as a community, seem so apathetic or maybe accepting of the gay community being "vicious and unappealing" to each other. As you said, I don't think anybody disagrees that gays are like that. We are willing to go so far -decades far- and be relentless when it comes to being treated as equal to the outside world... but how far are we willing to go to treat each other as equals? Is it easier to campaign, and protest, and defend, and march, than it is to just hold your tongue when a fellow gay says something that is disagreeable?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    Welcome MK. I really liked your posts in this thread that you initiated. But I disagree with the general stereotype that gay men are mean and bitchy to one another. Some are and some aren't and I wouldn't label ether side as the rule or as the exception any more than I would do so with respect to other demographic groups.
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    Feb 07, 2014 4:17 AM GMT
    don't worry about it man -- this isn't only on RJ, it's out in the real world. focus more of your energy on the good rather than the bad.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 07, 2014 4:57 AM GMT
    The art of debate is somewhat lost here ... but then you are dealing with a variety of backgrounds and personalities ... this is a learning experience for society .... the internet is changing the world ... the veil has been lifted ... it takes a time to learn from a new medium but eventually you shall see a huge difference in the world .... for the better I believe ... already we are moving at break neck speeds in changing the world .... be a little patient, you shall see a change in your life times ... in the old world, change took many life times.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 07, 2014 5:53 AM GMT
    First, Welcome to the site...

    Second, I think the main problem is here is that some of the members have been here for a very long time. I myself have been here for about a year and half, and am very very active in the forums (I am a post count whore lol). Even though this is the internet some of us really do know each other, and when you read forum regulars posts, for a while you get to know them. Sometimes people will say something over and over again and it is like beating a dead horse with a stick, and it makes other members upset. So after a while it's like..."we get it you hate this group of people" or "yes you and this member dont share the same ideas". And when people get in debates they take it too seriously and personally. It's almost as no one is allowed to have their own ideas and beliefs.

    Also you have some members who complain about the same thing over and over again. And it gets annoying. Sometimes tough love is tough love and some members need it.

    I think the main thing is that, like the real world, you are not going to get along with everyone on here, however, you can make some amazing and long lasting friendships.

    Hope to see more of ya on the forums...you seem like a really cool level headed dude! Don't get too many of those around here.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 07, 2014 9:24 AM GMT
    This forum is very badly moderated so that is part of the problem. Its like romper room meets an open ward meets lord of the flies meets grinder or scruff.

    As Rad says, some have been here quite a while and are just used to the bickering--which can be both mean and bitchy, and simultaneously riotously funny.

    Can newbies get hurt or scared off by it? Sadly, yes. Is there anything WE (as members) can do about it? Not much, really. I do recommend that if you see some shit going down in a thread, don't be afraid to wade in and speak your mind about it. You may get flack for it but you'll get some forum cred, too.

    We can try to set good examples (at least some of the time) but given the testosterone, diversity, ranges of age, maturity, intelligence, sensitivity, levels of sophistication, etc., this forum is always going to look a bit like a train wreck in the making.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 08, 2014 11:58 PM GMT
    MikeW saidThis forum is very badly moderated so that is part of the problem. Its like romper room meets an open ward meets lord of the flies meets grinder or scruff.

    As Rad says, some have been here quite a while and are just used to the bickering--which can be both mean and bitchy, and simultaneously riotously funny.

    Can newbies get hurt or scared off by it? Sadly, yes. Is there anything WE (as members) can do about it? Not much, really. I do recommend that if you see some shit going down in a thread, don't be afraid to wade in and speak your mind about it. You may get flack for it but you'll get some forum cred, too.

    We can try to set good examples (at least some of the time) but given the testosterone, diversity, ranges of age, maturity, intelligence, sensitivity, levels of sophistication, etc., this forum is always going to look a bit like a train wreck in the making.


    lol! Hilarious and true! I loved everything you just said! Thank you I needed that today