Asking someone to stop smoking

  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 18, 2008 10:51 AM GMT
    I know it's hard to quit smoking and I know some people get really upset and offended if you ask them to quit. What is a good way to talk to someone about it?

    My dad started smoking recently and it's got me really worried and stressed out. It's almost giving me some anxiety actually.

    Thanks
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 18, 2008 10:58 AM GMT
    Tell him exactly that ...

    That you care about him and that it's worrying you and stressing you out
    Beyond that there isn't that much more you can do
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    Dec 18, 2008 11:42 AM GMT
    My BF smokes. Drove me insane. I've tried positive support, gentle encouragement, straight talking and subtle hinting. Even bitchy sniping. What worked best in the end was not letting him into bed until he'd brushed his teeth.

    You can't stop 'em, so just make sure that your health is not affected, including your mental health.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2008 11:42 AM GMT
    metalxracr saidI know it's hard to quit smoking and I know some people get really upset and offended if you ask them to quit. What is a good way to talk to someone about it?

    My dad started smoking recently and it's got me really worried and stressed out. It's almost giving me some anxiety actually.

    Thanks


    Let them know you'll be there for them.

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    Dec 18, 2008 12:58 PM GMT
    black lungs

    constant coughing

    makes you smell horrbile

    will eventually kill you


    Need you tell him more?
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    Dec 18, 2008 1:25 PM GMT
    The single leading cause of premature death in the United States is being fat. Period.

    The second leading cause of premature death in the United States is tobacco.

    Here's the thing about folks who engage in destructive behavior (over-eating, tobacco, lashing out, bad sexual practice, etc.) is that they will not change until they feel they need to. Now, in the case of someone like a parent, that probably means that all the bitching in the world won't get them to stop. You can present them with good science and if that doesn't get them to stop, there really isn't a whole lot else you can do. You don't have to enable them. You don't have to be around them. When it's all said and done, though, they will change when they are ready,whenever that is.

    Main thing is not to support the bad behavior.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Dec 18, 2008 1:36 PM GMT
    chuckystud3 saidThe single leading cause of premature death in the United States is being fat. Period.

    The second leading cause of premature death in the United States is tobacco.

    Here's the thing about folks who engage in destructive behavior (over-eating, tobacco, lashing out, bad sexual practice, etc.) is that they will not change until they feel they need to. Now, in the case of someone like a parent, that probably means that all the bitching in the world won't get them to stop. You can present them with good science and if that doesn't get them to stop, there really isn't a whole lot else you can do. You don't have to enable them. You don't have to be around them. When it's all said and done, though, they will change when they are ready,whenever that is.

    Main thing is not to support the bad behavior.


    I agree with the above, best thing is to not support the behavior.

    1. Don't stay in the room with him if he is smoking, tell him why.
    2. Don't let let smoke in your place, if you have one, tell him why.
    3. Don't buy cigarettes for him, tell him why.
    4. Don't ride in a car with him while he is smoking, tell him why.
    5. Refuse to go to a restaurant, with him, that allows smoking, tell him why.
    6. Provide him with as much valid literature as you can find.
    7. Refer him to any non smoking clinics you can find in your area.
    8. Don't beg or plead with him to quit.
    Good luck
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 18, 2008 1:42 PM GMT
    Wow, you don't hear this very much these days! Sorry to hear that, I remember how glad I was when my Dad stopped smoking.

    Its hard for us to give you generic recommendations since we don't know you, your Dad or your relationship, but I do think expressing heartfelt concern makes sense... forget the idea of chiding him or reciting the
    negative reasons for doing so, he knows that as well as you.

    I'd probably ask him why he's doing it and if express how much you love him and how much you hate him doing it, much the way he would if you were doing drugs or over drinking. Beyond that, there isn't much.
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:25 PM GMT
    I've told this story before, but, I guess I can tell it again.

    My mom is the only one of her friends who smoked who is alive today. All the rest died from lung cancer. My mom has emphysema and is on oxygen 24 by 7, but, lives to tell her tale, although she stopped smoking over 20 years ago.

    My good friend, Dave, died at 49, after an early retirement at 42. He was an airline pilot. Even though he knew it was killing him (he suffered from COPD) he smoked until almost his dieing day. He went to his grave May 1, 2008.

    Our society is completely fucked up in how we handle this stuff. We jail folks for smoking a joint, having some blow, but allow fat folks, and smokers, to poison themselves. It's absolutely insane.

    We have a huge problem with health care costs with these diseases.

    If your dad continues, he will be affected by it, and he'll likely die from it, much earlier than he should have.

    Perhaps a question to ask him is if he'd like to see his grandchildren?

    If you've ever been in an oncology ward, it's hard to imagine smoking after that. Perhaps you need to take him there.
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    I REALLY want to quit smoking myself. It's very hard
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:32 PM GMT
    ALL you can do is let them know you're concerned and why, and to at least not smoke when you're around. However like everything else, people will stop when they are ready.

    I was a smoker and stopped cold turkey YEARS ago, but I did it on my own. When I was ready.
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:44 PM GMT
    I tried to help my late partner to quit, which he himself said he wanted. But I wasn't very good at it.

    He said I nagged him more than I supported him, and to this day I'm not sure how I failed in that regard. Was it his resistance fighting me, or my own incompetence? The solution for him was finally the skin patch, and he was smoke-free for about 6 months.

    But then I screwed up again. I encouraged him to go to a hot gay club with me, where we could dance and meet many of our local friends. We always had a good time, and went at least a couple of times a week.

    Except the place allowed smoking then, and I overlooked the fact that second-hand smoke was reintroducing the habit to him. Plus half our friends were smoking there in front of him. He was smoking again before I realized my mistake.

    Like dealing with alcohol, getting off cigarettes can involve more than just you & him. It requires a more holistic approach, that I failed to appreciate at first.
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:44 PM GMT
    Gotta understand it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you

    Nicotine addiction is described as more powerful than some opiates

    Some people will say that it's just a matter of willpower; for some smokers it's truly a chemical dependency. Will alone may not be able to overcome what their bodies tell them they need.

    Think of it like this ...

    When you need water, you drink it. When you're thirsty, and can't get water, your desire for a drink of water grows stronger.

    The same feeling you feel when you're thirsty and want water is how a smoker feels about having another cigarette.

    How long would your "will power" hold out before you reached for a glass of water?
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    Like bad behavior of the barebacker, smoking, drinking, etc., at some point, one has to accept personal responsibility and quit that behavior despite some discomfort / lack of instant gratification, I don't buy to much into the excuse that I'm to weak-minded to quit eating, quit-smoking, quit-barebacking, etc. Those are just lame-ass excuses for having a plan for failure. Most things worth having don't come without some level of discomfort along the way. Nobody forces the fat person to eat, the smoker to smoke, or to the guy with a mission to get HIV to engage in bad behavior. They take it upon themselves. Most folks are stronger than they know, but, are so scared of some level of discomfort that they spend more time making excuses than anything else.

    I understand the lure of nicotine. I understand the lure of food. One has to engage in some behavior of self-preservation, rather than self-indulgence, at some point, however.

    I use the "RealJock" mindset. If I'm squatting, let's say, I know it's only going to hurt for so long, and then, it will stop hurting as I get stronger. (Most true athletes understand this COMPLETELY.) I train into my discomfort, become one with it, and I'm the stronger for it. I don't understand the weak-minded mindset of "oh, I can't stop", or "Oh, I'm so weak." If you coddle something, it just becomes weaker. Pain is sometimes the feeling of weakness leaving your body. Any "realjock" knows that the first few weeks of practice are the worst. Knowing that, and applying it to weight management or smoking is a simple thing. When I train for a contest, I know that as I bring my calories up and bring my cardio up, it will get hard, and then get easier, and then get almost euphoric as I head for the finish line. It provides a wonderful sense of accomplishment. (Real Jocks get this COMPLETELY.)

    I don't buy the bullshit that I can't quit. If I told you that I'd take a digit for every day you failed to quit, I bet you'd quit. One has to have a strong mind in these matters.
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    Dec 18, 2008 4:59 PM GMT
    chuckystud3 saidLike bad behavior of the barebacker, smoking, drinking, etc., at some point, one has to accept personal responsibility and quit that behavior despite some discomfort / lack of instant gratification, I don't buy to much into the excuse that I'm to weak-minded to quit eating, quit-smoking, quit-barebacking, etc. Those are just lame-ass excuses for having a plan for failure. Most things worth having don't come without some level of discomfort along the way. Nobody forces the fat person to eat, the smoker to smoke, or to the guy with a mission to get HIV to engage in bad behavior. They take it upon themselves. Most folks are stronger than they know, but, are so scared of some level of discomfort that they spend more time making excuses than anything else.


    Your behavioral model has some points I can endorse, especially how one gets into bad habits in the first place. But it breaks down if you fail to include the physically addictive properties of nicotine, alcohol and other substances for some people.

    Once physical addiction takes over it can become more than a simple matter of choice. Reversing direction is far more difficult than was the initial decision to begin, often too difficult for some people, even people I otherwise admire.
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    Dec 18, 2008 5:06 PM GMT
    Physical addiction is nothing a little mental focus can't fix.

    Try coming off meth sometime: it sucks, but it's not impossible. I have no sympathy for anyone who plays the "addiction" card as an excuse for not cleaning up.
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 18, 2008 5:13 PM GMT
    You love your father and thoughtful of his health. A suggestion would be to talk to him about this heart to heart, that your worried about his health, would like your father to live longer and fuller life, save money, and other reasons you have. But at the same time, what will help your anxiety and that you can offer to support your father through his trial. That his free to call you when the craving calls. Offer him other suggestions that people have given.

    Be his support system like his been for you.
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    Dec 18, 2008 5:26 PM GMT
    flex89 saidPhysical addiction is nothing a little mental focus can't fix.

    Try coming off meth sometime: it sucks, but it's not impossible. I have no sympathy for anyone who plays the "addiction" card as an excuse for not cleaning up.


    I wrote in another post above that my late partner criticized me for nagging him to quit smoking, rather than be supportive. Now I see what I may have been doing to him. Such unsympathetic, black & white positions as yours are more likely to fail with most people than help them.

    Addiction is not an "excuse" in my book, either. But it is an additional challenge that must be addressed, on its own terms. Will power may work for some addicted persons, but not all.

    It's like muscles: some of us were born bigger & stronger, and will always be bigger & stronger. No amount of will power will change that.

    I also mentioned above a holistic approach, which considers many factors. Will power is one. Medical & psychological help can be others. You tailor the approach to the individual, since everyone is different, some stronger, some weaker, but most deserving of our help.
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    Dec 18, 2008 5:32 PM GMT
    Offer him a $1,000 if he stays smoke free for 6 months. That's how my family finally got me to quit.

    Never underestimate the power of financial gain! LOL
  • SpartanJock

    Posts: 199

    Dec 18, 2008 5:45 PM GMT
    As someone who smoked for over 20 years, there is nothing you can really tell your father to MAKE him quite. Without getting into addiction science, he will not smoke when HE decides no longer smoke. The sooner he quits, the easier it will be for him to become a non-smoker again.

    The best you can do is keep the line of communication open. There has to have been some sort of trigger (loss of job, loss of partner, financial crisis, etc.) for him to take up smoking. Try to understand what that was, and help him remove or cope with that stressor. This new behavior is a cry for help. This will also help you, Brother, to not stress over his smoking by understanding where he is coming from. Communication is always key in any relationship.

    When he gets to the point of quitting, and has difficulty, then you can refer him to smoking cessation programs in his area. Many of them are free, or subsidized. But only after he has made the decision to quit smoking. You can also talk to a smoking cessation counselor to get some more tips on how you can deal with this.

    And TheIStrat if you are really ready to quit smoking, I highly recommend Chantix.
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Dec 18, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all the advice. I called my mom about it today and we're both going to ask him to quit. She told me he hasn't smoked in over 2 years, and that he usually has no trouble stopping. But I'm hoping that this time, it's for good! He's not really much of a smoker, but my mom says he can quit cold turkey with no problem.

    Plus, I got my dad wrapped around my finger, he'll usually do whatever I say, I hope it works when I need it most! haha
  • SpartanJock

    Posts: 199

    Dec 18, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    That's great!!! I wish you all the best. icon_wink.gif