Rejection in gay clubs

  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Feb 09, 2014 3:16 AM GMT
    So last weekend I went out with some friends to some gaybars here in Sydney. Had fun, one of the guys was totally new to going out to gaybars, it was his first time. I'm reasonably new to the scene myself as well but it was actually nice being not the most inexperienced one around for once.

    Anyway, the guy was really like a kid in a candyshop. It was fun to see. He made out with 4 or 5 guys and had too much to drink. But at the end of the night he got rejected by a few guys, and because of the alcohol he went to a corner and started to sob a little bit. I felt for him because it does definitly suck to get rejected. After some talking he and another friend went home.

    It got me thinking about how I handle rejection. I got serial rejected the other night, not a pleasant feeling (rejection being (in my eyes) a guy telling you after a talk of a minute he needs to go find his friends or some other lame excuse). It got me down a little bit. Some nights it does more to me than other nights, I think I'm starting to handle it a bit better and hopefully that will improve more, because there's gonna be lots of rejection in the future I think icon_razz.gif

    Tl:dr How did you handle rejection in the past and how do you handle it now? Does it still affect you as much?
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    Feb 09, 2014 3:21 AM GMT
    When I was younger, rejection hurt me big time. It had always been my nagging fear that crippled me from approaching anyone first. I'd always wait to be approached.

    I think as I get older, I learn to accept myself better and rejections don't get me down as much as before. I won't say I'm completely over it though.
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    Feb 09, 2014 3:31 AM GMT
    Daelin said
    Tl:dr How did you handle rejection in the past and how do you handle it now? Does it still affect you as much?

    When I was single I considered rejection the cost of doing business. I knew I'd get rejected more times than not. I was never any prize.

    But I was also confident that SOME guys would like me. And they did. I just had to be patient & persistent.

    But your friend's story saddened me. Try to get him to drink less. He'll be more desirable.

    He may have been drinking to loosen his inhibitions, and insecurities. But once he had accomplished that with a bottle, he wasn't so attractive anymore.

    That's where a good friend, a wing-man, comes in. Maybe you can be that guy, or encourage a closer friend of his to take that role. I hate to see a guy strike out, who might be an all-star. All he may need is proper coaching, and learn to drink less.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 09, 2014 6:38 AM GMT
    Broseph saidI did have one rejection outside of that and it was from a guy who misunderstood that a public meeting to hang out was going to be more and I apparently wasn't his type. That sucked but it was better that I knew his deal before I gave him any more of my time.

    That is actually an interesting little story that exemplifies something I was thinking but wasn't sure how to talk about.

    There's something not quite right with the whole concept of "rejection". The implication is that whatever the "reason" is, it has to do with 'he who is rejected'.

    BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. What it has more to do with is 'he who rejects'. IOW, a rejection is a statement about the desire or preference of the other guy, not about one's self.

    But of course we never take it that way. We don't look at it and say (neutrally), oh, he wants chocolate cake and I'm vanilla. On some level we're so insecure, not being 'chocolate' equates to 'something is wrong with me, I'm not good enough…'

    It would be better if we could come up with a new, less emotionally charged word, a new concept, for this 'selecting' or 'preferencing' that goes on.

    Its also like pieces of a puzzle. They have to fit. No fit, no fun. That they don't fit isn't a statement about the value of either puzzle piece. They *will* fit somewhere in the puzzle.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 09, 2014 6:55 AM GMT
    Don't put yourself in a position to be rejected and you won't be. Rejection is due to reading the signs wrong. I know there had be a couple times when I misread a guys signs, but since it was so long ago I don't remember them. I'm pretty sure I just moved on to the next guy. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 09, 2014 7:26 AM GMT
    only ever been rejected once by a guy I met online, we used to go to school together but I never noticed him yet he remembered me like a year or 2 after he left HS

    Anyways we talk for like a month or 2.. meet and he looks Nothing like I imagined... I'm completely not into him yet I put all the physical aside.. I flirt, act very nice and all yet SHOCKER! he says he was not into ME!?!?!?!

    WTF... he conned me into telling him what I thought of him first.. I said something along the lines of well.. "I had this strange urge to suck your dick" the truth haha but not the most important part which I should have said then which was "but I was 100% not into you"

    The reason I wanted to suck him off is because I was a lil ho back then and never been in a gay guys car where I wasn't about to suck him off.. I explained this to him Only After he told me I wasn't his type... so its like He got the jump on Me... ugh icon_mad.gif

    anyways.. it still upsets me to this day haha.. I didn't want him but I Sure As Hell wanted him to want me...
    So no I don't know how to handle rejection in this region yet

    All the other guys I met Really enjoyed me.. so I still wonder.. what Exactly did he see in me or on me that turned Him off.. hmmm
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    Feb 09, 2014 10:59 AM GMT
    It gets better with age. I also remember I used to get upset when I was in my early 20s, but now I'm more confident and assured about myself. I'm sure you'll reject tons of guys also.
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    Feb 09, 2014 11:54 AM GMT
    morphic saidIt gets better with age. I also remember I used to get upset when I was in my early 20s, but now I'm more confident and assured about myself. I'm sure you'll reject tons of guys also.


    Exactly! Plus, young guys have this naive thinking of finding a quality date in a gay bar.
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    Feb 09, 2014 11:58 AM GMT
    How did I handle rejection? I went to the gym got hot then paid them a visit or unintentionally re-met them at a club, toy with their feelings a bit then reject their ass. Revenge is best served cold.
  • MarkW1

    Posts: 118

    Feb 09, 2014 12:08 PM GMT
    I've not properly been to a gay club before, my mates claim I don't need to worry much about chatting to anyone since they think I look great.

    I have no experience with flirting is one reason for feeling worried about seeing a guy I'm interested in for the feeling of rejection
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    Feb 09, 2014 12:13 PM GMT
    lol he was rejected for acting like a drunken idiot in a bar? please
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    Feb 09, 2014 1:24 PM GMT
    MarkW1 saidI've not properly been to a gay club before, my mates claim I don't need to worry much about chatting to anyone since they think I look great.
    I have no experience with flirting is one reason for feeling worried about seeing a guy I'm interested in for the feeling of rejection

    If you don't chat and look great, you'll have to put out quickly or suffer rejection.
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    Feb 09, 2014 1:42 PM GMT
    This topic makes me feel guilty for rejecting enough people online to fill a nightclub...
  • MarkW1

    Posts: 118

    Feb 09, 2014 1:45 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter said
    MarkW1 saidI've not properly been to a gay club before, my mates claim I don't need to worry much about chatting to anyone since they think I look great.
    I have no experience with flirting is one reason for feeling worried about seeing a guy I'm interested in for the feeling of rejection

    If you don't chat and look great, you'll have to put out quickly or suffer rejection.

    So you're saying I should just go chat to them? What they mean is I don't need to be good at flirting with how I look when chatting.
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    Feb 09, 2014 1:51 PM GMT
    A total turn off to me are the guys who are constantly looking around to see who is looking at them. Not into that high maintenance entitled crap. I would rather strike up a convo with the guy next door type sitting at the bar by himself. As you get older you discover the sexiest organ is the brain, and the hottest lovers don't run with the poodle pack.
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Feb 09, 2014 2:13 PM GMT
    I don't really know how to handle rejection at a bar or club because I've never been rejected. But before people assume that I'm being either cocky or lying, allow me to clarify: I never put myself in the position of having a guy reject me.

    You see I have Asperger's, and I don't read people's actions all that well. And I've known this for a while and was very introverted. So usually, if I went out to a gay bar or club, I'd sit by the bar or sit with my friends, get a drink, and just chill out like that, waiting for someone to perhaps talk to me.

    Some nights, no one would approach. Other nights, I'd have guys come up and chat me up...and I'd do my best to keep up. If the talk moved on to something I knew about, I could be pretty interesting. If it didn't, I'd try to listen to what he said, and try to act interested.

    I got to know the bartenders very well, and even got taken home by one of them. That was a pretty fun night. LOL

    It's not ideal to sit back, particularly if you see guys who you like...but maybe the best thing to tell your friend is...gay bars and clubs are not the ideal places to go and find guys to date.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Feb 09, 2014 2:33 PM GMT
    Erik101 said
    morphic saidIt gets better with age. I also remember I used to get upset when I was in my early 20s, but now I'm more confident and assured about myself. I'm sure you'll reject tons of guys also.


    Exactly! Plus, young guys have this naive thinking of finding a quality date in a gay bar.


    sure, Morphic you are right. But when I do it, I don't see it as rejecting, I see it as stating that I am into other types than the guy who's trying to hit on me. I guess that's the difference between being the sender or the receiver.. Because I could also look at it like this when I am the 'receiver' of a rejection but I just can't. I am sure with me there are plenty of others who can't. I'm getting better at it though.

    Anyway, Erik101, where should I go to meet quality men then? I honestly don't know..
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Feb 09, 2014 2:56 PM GMT
    Im pretty sure the chances of meeting a quality guy there won't be much higher than in a gaybar icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 09, 2014 4:23 PM GMT


    Nayro said, " But at the end of the night he got rejected by a few guys, and because of the alcohol he went to a corner and started to sob a little bit. I felt for him because it does definitly suck to get rejected."

    You sir, have a heart that is very very attractive. This is what I looked for in a man. It outlasts age and gravity, illness and troubles of every kind, and is a powerful key to a relationship's well being.

    20120219195107!Bow_Enhanced.gif
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    Feb 09, 2014 4:49 PM GMT
    got to be kidding me: cried in the comer?--talk about arrested development.

    Most rejection I've received has only served to motivate me; either that, or enlighten.

    Had a guy thank me for my interest, saying he was more into younger shredded guys.
    First I was: fuck-a-lot of you, but then I thought about it and thanked him, because at least he nutted up and was honest.
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    lol, dustin, the guy was drunk. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:26 PM GMT
    Of course, kiwi, because everyone behaves exactly the same way when drunk, and they always get to the same level of drunkenness. icon_rolleyes.gif

    icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:47 PM GMT


    "drunken behaviour is predictable"

    To save face for him, I haven't posted who said this.

    read the following:

    http://luxury.rehabs.com/alcohol-addiction/dealing-with-an-alcoholic/

    http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/alcohol-drugs/alcohol-and-abusive-relationships/


    "Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on."


    *waits for you to start splitting hairs*
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Feb 09, 2014 10:28 PM GMT
    My life is a field of rejection with just enough flowers of acceptance to give me irrational hope icon_smile.gif

    I think one of life's lessons that comes with a bit of experience is that it's not always about you. Feeling rejected is a very egotistical thing. It implies that the other person actively rejected you, when in reality many times, they just had something else going on.
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    Feb 10, 2014 1:32 AM GMT
    Gay clubs are basically real life Grindr. Dudes just go there to hit on adonis men and fuck around. IT's not my kind of scene anyway so I don't care.