Do you think man/man relationships have power struggles?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2014 3:48 PM GMT
    I have been noticing this lately as I've gone on more dates. I tend to think in a m4m relationship it is a bit different than m4w because well after all you're both men. Such as who orders the meal or who pays for it stuff like that.

    Have you run into the same problems? Do you just go with it? Or has everyone you've dated met you half way?
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    There's a power struggle in any relationship gay or not. I've seen straight couples have power struggles where the female tries to take control. But in most cases those relationships (gay or not) end pretty hastily.

    The key with love for both partners is to compromise!
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:19 PM GMT
    Having been in both m/m and m/w relationships, I don't think that power struggles in relationships are gender specific. I think it has more to do with compatibility of the two people involved.
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:31 PM GMT
    All relationships gay and straight have power struggles, right after the honeymoon phase.
    Whether the relationship succeeds or not depends on if the couple is willing to work through the issues where it's a win-win for both parties.
    It's not easy, and takes a lot of effort but worthwhile in the long run.
    Many relationships end right after the honeymoon phase because the couple doesn't understand that the power struggle phase is a normal part of a healthy relationship...
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    Feb 09, 2014 5:57 PM GMT
    funbud8 saidAll relationships gay and straight have power struggles, right after the honeymoon phase.
    Whether the relationship succeeds or not depends on if the couple is willing to work through the issues where it's a win-win for both parties.
    It's not easy, and takes a lot of effort but worthwhile in the long run.
    Many relationships end right after the honeymoon phase because the couple doesn't understand that the power struggle phase is a normal part of a healthy relationship...

    Nicely put. There are differences between gay relationships and str8 relationships but I would say it's more along physical and emotional difference and not as power struggles. They do exist but they're not solely unique to one or another.

    Relationships require work to keep them fresh and open communications to keep them true. Many give up because they don't realize this.
  • stratavos

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    Feb 09, 2014 6:20 PM GMT
    MMickey saidThere's a power struggle in any relationship gay or not. I've seen straight couples have power struggles where the female tries to take control. But in most cases those relationships (gay or not) end pretty hastily.

    The key with love for both partners is to compromise!


    indeed, compromise is key, as well as knowing that it's wiser to pick your battles and communicate effectively.
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    Feb 09, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    Youngun saidI have been noticing this lately as I've gone on more dates. I tend to think in a m4m relationship it is a bit different than m4w because well after all you're both men. Such as who orders the meal or who pays for it stuff like that.

    Have you run into the same problems? Do you just go with it? Or has everyone you've dated met you half way?


    I've never encountered this problem, nor do I think there is any reason for it to be prevalent in gay relationships.

    I have never been on a date where one person ordered for both people, and who pays depends on a lot of different factors. Go dutch on the first date, then rotate, unless there is a clear difference in financial situation between the two of you, then the person who is better off pays, though sometimes it's nice for the poorer partner to pay for something occasionally, like the movie tickets. But none of this has anything to do with "power"...

    Also, why would anyone make the assumption that the male should "take control" in a male/female relationship? It's 2014!
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    Feb 09, 2014 6:54 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidThere was a recent report in the NYT that discusses power struggles in couples. It found that gay men have the best sex because gay men primarily choose partners for erotic reasons (top, bottom; dominant, submissive) whereas modern straight couples are having less sex and less satisfied sex because men are becoming more like women and women are becoming more like men. Link to the article below.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0


    The article had these pull quotes.

    ‘The values that make for good social relationships are not necessarily the same ones that drive lust. Most of us get turned on at night by the very things that we’ll demonstrate against during the day.’

    The risk of divorce is lowest when the husband does 40 percent of the housework and the wife earns 40 percent of the income.

    Husbands who cook, vacuum and do laundry have sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those who do not.
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    Feb 09, 2014 6:55 PM GMT
    CFL_Oakland said
    Youngun saidI have been noticing this lately as I've gone on more dates. I tend to think in a m4m relationship it is a bit different than m4w because well after all you're both men. Such as who orders the meal or who pays for it stuff like that.

    Have you run into the same problems? Do you just go with it? Or has everyone you've dated met you half way?


    I've never encountered this problem, nor do I think there is any reason for it to be prevalent in gay relationships.

    I have never been on a date where one person ordered for both people, and who pays depends on a lot of different factors. Go dutch on the first date, then rotate, unless there is a clear difference in financial situation between the two of you, then the person who is better off pays, though sometimes it's nice for the poorer partner to pay for something occasionally, like the movie tickets. But none of this has anything to do with "power"...

    Also, why would anyone make the assumption that the male should "take control" in a male/female relationship? It's 2014!


    CFL Oakland, power struggles do arrive in relationships, for example, where are we going to live together under the same roof?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2014 7:14 PM GMT
    All relationships are political...the politics of two. When the family gets bigger, the the polity expands. But it does not have to be politics in the cold Machiavellian way. It can be something quite wonderful.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Feb 09, 2014 7:16 PM GMT
    It's just like in dogs
    You can't really have two dominant males or females together, it really doesn't work
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 09, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    CFL_Oakland said
    Youngun saidI have been noticing this lately as I've gone on more dates. I tend to think in a m4m relationship it is a bit different than m4w because well after all you're both men. Such as who orders the meal or who pays for it stuff like that.

    Have you run into the same problems? Do you just go with it? Or has everyone you've dated met you half way?


    I've never encountered this problem, nor do I think there is any reason for it to be prevalent in gay relationships.

    I have never been on a date where one person ordered for both people, and who pays depends on a lot of different factors. Go dutch on the first date, then rotate, unless there is a clear difference in financial situation between the two of you, then the person who is better off pays, though sometimes it's nice for the poorer partner to pay for something occasionally, like the movie tickets. But none of this has anything to do with "power"...

    Also, why would anyone make the assumption that the male should "take control" in a male/female relationship? It's 2014!

    I think this is exactly right although I think guys need to consciously remember to step back and keep it 50/50. With women I think it depends. Some high-achieving women still like to let the guy be the man in their personal relationships but are equal in very way in their workplace.
  • muscleONmuscl...

    Posts: 301

    Feb 09, 2014 7:33 PM GMT
    woodsmen saidThere was a recent report in the NYT that discusses power struggles in couples. It found that gay men have the best sex because gay men primarily choose partners for erotic reasons (top, bottom; dominant, submissive) whereas modern straight couples are having less sex and less satisfied sex because men are becoming more like women and women are becoming more like men. Link to the article below.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0


    Wow! IF that's true, it's a fascinating and obviously not very positive consequence of the sexual revolution. I actually think that sex for straight couples in America is much more fucked up than sex for straight couples in, say, Europe or Latin America. Gender identities in America are hopelessly messed up by impossible catch-22s, including the ridiculous notion that sexual relations should have the clarity and punctiliousness of a legal contract. Let's face it sometimes "no" means "yes" and "yes" means "no" for both men and women, for both gay and straight--sometimes we want to be subjugated and sometimes we want to be dominant: the quest for pure equality in sexual relations takes all the fun out of it. Why is it, for example, that in movies from the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s the screen kiss was a regular and sexy occurance; and now in films of the last two decades, straight couples hardly ever kiss and when they do, there's no intensity to it?

    This quote from the article and mentioned above sums it up well:

    ‘The values that make for good social relationships are not necessarily the same ones that drive lust. Most of us get turned on at night by the very things that we’ll demonstrate against during the day.’

    The rest of the world knows this, but America, still suffering from a four-century old Puritan hangover, does not.
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    Feb 09, 2014 8:36 PM GMT
    Exactly, the key is to compromise, not outdoing your partner or tell him *my way or the highway. Once I've seen a guy who's too controlling, obsessive, red flag, red flag.



    MMickey saidThere's a power struggle in any relationship gay or not. I've seen straight couples have power struggles where the female tries to take control. But in most cases those relationships (gay or not) end pretty hastily.

    The key with love for both partners is to compromise!
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    Feb 10, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    Joeyphx444 saidIt's just like in dogs
    You can't really have two dominant males or females together, it really doesn't work


    I do think you're right. There has to be some kind of balance.
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    Feb 10, 2014 3:31 AM GMT
    I tend to relinquish control since people are generally nice to me. I think it's a Canadian side-effect.
  • Breeman

    Posts: 339

    Feb 10, 2014 5:35 AM GMT
    Anytime you put 2 or more people together, eventually there's going to be issues and drama.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Feb 10, 2014 5:50 AM GMT
    I think there are some issues which are highlighted in gay relationships. When I was in graduate school, I did a study on the careers of gay men (over 20 years old so data might be different now). I think career issues are more of a stress point in gay relationships. Traditionally, women have been the ones to bend if there is a conflict between home and work. That is changing, but I believe if a man gets a promotion, a woman is more likely to move than another man will.

    In gay relationships, I know of many break-ups which have occurred because of a career conflict. For myself, it would be very difficult to move because I am licensed in my home state with a master's degree. Now only those who get doctorates are licensed. I could not be licensed as a psychologist in any other state. I think I could be licensed to practice psychotherapy, but my identity is as a psychologist. I have been a psychologist for 22 years and my father was a psychologist. It might be hard to give up.
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    Feb 10, 2014 7:53 AM GMT
    I'm still stuck on the comparison you're making in the OP where you consider m4w relationships with men having more power than women. Thank god this isn't a feminist site.
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    Feb 10, 2014 2:32 PM GMT
    SirAndy saidI'm still stuck on the comparison you're making in the OP where you consider m4w relationships with men having more power than women. Thank god this isn't a feminist site.


    I didn't mean it like that. Just that men are naturally more aggressive. And there aren't really social rules when it comes to gay men dating.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 10, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    It depends on the relationship, certainly, but I did have one with a guy who was super competitive about everything we did. It didn't help that he was into the same sports as me, so even when we trained together it was always for him about "beating" me. It got to the point where we wouldn't train together anymore because it got too intense.

    We didn't last as a couple due to some other things, but the constant competitiveness contributed. However, after breaking up we were able to maintain a really wonderful friendship.

    My takeaway from the experience is to date guys who have their own set of things that they love to do that can be separate from mine, especially where sports are concerned.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Feb 10, 2014 3:31 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    CFL_Oakland said
    Youngun saidI have been noticing this lately as I've gone on more dates. I tend to think in a m4m relationship it is a bit different than m4w because well after all you're both men. Such as who orders the meal or who pays for it stuff like that.

    Have you run into the same problems? Do you just go with it? Or has everyone you've dated met you half way?


    I've never encountered this problem, nor do I think there is any reason for it to be prevalent in gay relationships.

    I have never been on a date where one person ordered for both people, and who pays depends on a lot of different factors. Go dutch on the first date, then rotate, unless there is a clear difference in financial situation between the two of you, then the person who is better off pays, though sometimes it's nice for the poorer partner to pay for something occasionally, like the movie tickets. But none of this has anything to do with "power"...

    Also, why would anyone make the assumption that the male should "take control" in a male/female relationship? It's 2014!

    I think this is exactly right although I think guys need to consciously remember to step back and keep it 50/50. With women I think it depends. Some high-achieving women still like to let the guy be the man in their personal relationships but are equal in very way in their workplace.


    I don't think the OP was not just referring to financial "power" but "power" in terms who gets what they want and who defers and when. I was the 'breadwinnner' in my last relationship (relationshit) but he definitely asserted himself in terms of living arrangements, the boundaries of our interactions with other men, social schedule, behavioral expectations and on and on. Hopes and needs come in conflict at various points in every relationship, unless you're dating a twin or a cipher which can't be much fun.
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    Feb 10, 2014 8:28 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    DanOmatic saidIt depends on the relationship ... takeaway from the experience is to date guys who have their own set of things that they love to do that can be separate from mine, especially where sports are concerned.



    if it wears makeup all the better, you know exactly what to buy your bf on valentines.

    Lmfao!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 8:34 PM GMT
    ALL relationships have some sort of undercurrent of power struggle.
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    Feb 10, 2014 8:41 PM GMT
    Depends on who the company is. When I go for a drink with my married best friend, he thinks it is funny that I always order the drinks because he thinks it makes me 'the man' and him 'the woman' although I only do it because he is easy to order for.