What do you guys do when you feel like CRAP

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 3:31 PM GMT
    This might be long... I'm a 20 year old guy. My mom died two weeks ago after battling cancer for a year and a half. I hate where I go to college. I haven't made any new friends since high school, and because I dislike where I go to college, I have no motivation to get involved and make friends here. Transferring isn't really an option because of financial reasons, etc. I guess I'm gay. I don't really have a problem with this, but I am in a toxic situation with it. I met a guy a year ago online and we met up to basically have sex. We hung out every once in a while and before long I was in love with him. I have been so in love with him for about a year and I hate that I love him. We have never discussed our relationship with each other so it is so confusing. He is 15 years older than me. I don't think he's taking advantage of me or anything, but I think it is safe to say that I like him a lot more than he likes me.I never want to tell him how I truly feel because I don't want to complicate things being that I'm 15 years younger than him. I want to get over him but I am so in love with him. He sees other guys and that makes me feel like shit. I think me loving him so much has caused me confusion with my sexuality. I don't find anyone else attractive because I only want to be with him. I am home this weekend, but later tonight I'll drive back to school and sit in my single dorm room alone. I have friends at school, but none of them are "my people", if that makes sense. I wanted to study abroad next year and get away from everything but the application date already passed. I am thinking about doing the same old crap for another year and it makes me want to die. Lately I've been thinking a lot about a lifetime. Seeing my mom's lifeless body in a casket at her wake about a week ago made me think about what I am doing with my life; where am I going and whether I am happy. I have NO idea about what I want to do when I get out of college. I also have no idea what I'm even going to major in. Although i'm doing alright academically, it's hard to stay focused in school when you don't have direction. I'm so bored with my life and I hate how I am desperate for this guy. I wish he was a bitch to me so I had a reason not to like him. I feel like I'm wasting my life.
    What do you guys do when you feel like total shit?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 3:52 PM GMT
    1 You lost Mom 2 weeks ago.

    2 You are gay and in a relationship of unrequited love.

    You want to get over him but don't know how.

    3 You feel life is a wall of obstacles, and wonder what the point of it is.


    1 First, GRIEVE. There is a little book called good grief you might like to read. Bear in mind the author was/is Lutheran, but the book itself gives insight into grief and human nature. It's by Granger Westburg. Check the library.

    2 Try to consider that you must never make someone a priority who considers you an option. You are worth far far more than that. There is better love out there. Yes, some find it and some don't, but that's like anything in life. Denying possibility is hamstringing your own future. I know this, from experience. Many of us have stood in your shoes and now many years later are standing here, OK.

    3 Life is full of obstacles, and the challenge is to learn how to navigate them. Each time you do, you gain.

    Are you with me so far?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 10, 2014 8:00 PM GMT
    Besides your mom's passing (my condolences, by the way) what has changed since you posted pretty much the same story in October:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3493574/

    I think you got a lot of good, honest and sincere replies in that thread. Just as you did in this one posted yesterday:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3677364/

    I get it, you're going through a rough time and don't know what to do. The problem is, although we can be empathetic (well, some of us anyway), we can't really tell you how to 'fix' the problem. What works for one person may not work for another. Everyone has to find what works for them, what enables them to stop feeling like a victim of their own life or circumstances.

    I went through a very rough time from age 20 through 25. I felt like I was going insane. But it wasn't until I got to a place where I began to seek professional help and advice (therapy) that things began to change for the better. This gave me the tools to deal with my depression, my feelings of fear and isolation, my loneliness and so on. Gradually at first but eventually life really did get much, much better.

    This may be of no help to you at all but when I'm feeling like crap now I do several things:

    1: I let myself be miserable for a set period of time. This may include just sulking or literally staying in bed with the covers pulled over my head. Usually no more than 48 hours.

    2: Beyond that I make myself *do* something. What I do depends on a lot of things but typically I a) go for a walk in nature and LOOK at the beauty that is in the world; b) I do something I need to do but have been avoiding; c) I go to the gym and work out hard (or do some sort of physical activity); d) I have a conversation with a good friend who will listen to me talk about what is going on inside me and *not* try and tell me how to fix it; e) I do something nice for myself that feels good. Etc.

    In other words, after wallowing in my shit, I make myself *do* something to get out of it, at least for a while.

    I agree w/ MIL you need to grieve your mom. You may also need to grieve not getting what you really want from the man you have feelings for. There is probably other stuff you haven't told us you need to grieve for as well. Grieving is healing.

    But "grieving" doesn't mean there is no possibility of feeling good at all during the process. Take a deep breath. Accept that you are a real, live, living, breathing human being with lots of complicated feelings. Learn to pay attention to all of them but give *special* attention to the ones that make you feel truly alive. Keep an eye out for them. They may be more numerous and available than you usually think.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 9:15 PM GMT
    tinabob saidI guess I'm gay. I don't really have a problem with this, but I am in a toxic situation with it. I met a guy a year ago online and we met up to basically have sex. We hung out every once in a while and before long I was in love with him. I have been so in love with him for about a year and I hate that I love him. We have never discussed our relationship with each other so it is so confusing. He is 15 years older than me. I don't think he's taking advantage of me or anything, but I think it is safe to say that I like him a lot more than he likes me.I never want to tell him how I truly feel because I don't want to complicate things being that I'm 15 years younger than him. I want to get over him but I am so in love with him. He sees other guys and that makes me feel like shit. I think me loving him so much has caused me confusion with my sexuality.


    THERE ARE YOUR RED FLAGS!

    I am in a relationship with a young guy 35 years younger than I am. We discuss our relationship. We do other things together besides sex. We frequently discuss our feelings for each other. We do not see other people for sex. We don't make each other feel like shit. Our relationship only confirms our sexuality not confuse it.

    And you say you don't think he's USING you?! Think again.

    You have too many other things to contend with right now in your life. You don't need him complicating things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 10:00 PM GMT
    undercoverman has a good point.. lots of redflags.. i think ur feeling extra lonely cause u havent made connections with people besides that guy.. and all ur emotions about ur mother and etc. in a way has been displaced towards that guy.. u kinda have become dependent on him for affection.. now you know urself he doesnt wanna be with u.. just because he's nice doesnt mean he isnt using u.. thats how people use people in the first place by being nice!! mayb it wud be a good idea to distance urself from such a person.. and try to spread out more towards guys that care about u .. sometimes wen i feel like theres jus too much stupid shit going on in the dating world or with guys, i withdraw from those guys and jus take a step back from it all..
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 10, 2014 11:27 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidTHERE ARE YOUR RED FLAGS!

    UcM is very right on about that. There may be things in your life (like your mom's death) over which you have little or no control. However, all those red flags are things you're feeling victimized by but are, in fact, under your control. You are 'choosing' to stay in this situation which makes you feel like shit.

    Why? That is a rhetorical question. Not asking for the 'reasons' your brain cooks up… I'm sure you can think of many (you mention some in your October thread).

    The point of asking "why?" is to get you to think about all this differently. You don't have to be in this relationship thus you don't have to be unhappy because of it. Getting out of this toxic relationship may very well be THE #1 thing you can do to begin taking control of your life.

    Believe me, I *do* understand that getting untangled from a toxic relationship *can* and often does feel horrible. It's like total separation anxiety, fear of being alone, fear of not being able to survive without it, fear of getting unhappy and remaining that way forever, etc.* But the TRUTH is, you'll never be happy in this relationship UNLESS it becomes more like what UcM has -- and I don't see that happening, do you?

    *My guess is all these 'fears' really have nothing to do with this man but *do* have to do with your dad and your growing up. You haven't mentioned him but this would make sense. You're projecting your need for a father figure onto this man. Now, that is my guess. I don't know you well enough to say for sure that is the case but it looks that way from where I sit. You NEED to grieve not having a father. You NEED to let go of this man so that you can begin to find someone who can and will love you for you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2014 11:32 PM GMT
    Though I cannot entirely relate to what you're feeling, this video always cheers me up for a bit. I don't know why but I find it hilarious, and I always laugh.



    I will say that NYC has such a vast and diverse population that you're bound to find people you truly enjoy hanging out with, if you're open to finding them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 12:33 AM GMT
    Honestly...You can try a new place but you have to resolve what's wrong or why you are feeling this way. You outlined them very well, now take your life by the horns and throttle it. Do something you wouldn't normally do. Do something you Love doing. Smile, cry, laugh, sob, we're human and bad shit happens to good people. Deal with what's in front of you and overcome them, you will be stronger, wiser, and more confident, and people that fit to you as a person will gravitate towards you because of this. Chin high man.




    Last and not least...Dump the asshole! He doesn't know what he has, let him suffer for it. He's just adding pain to your life and you don't need any more of that man icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 2:06 AM GMT
    For everyone telling me to dump him, etc. I am NOT in a relationship with him. We casually hook up and he considers me a friend but we don't really talk about the relationship we have with each other. It is basically a "friends with benefits" sort of thing.

    Right now i'm at a crossroads in that I can continue to be friends with him or back off and stop hanging out with him.

    Of course this is all so hard to summarize online. Ideally I would like to learn to accept a friends with benefits situation, because being with him makes me feel so good and I really look up to him. He is truly a nice guy but he just thinks that we're on the same page as far as our friendship goes. I never wanted to disclose my feelings because I didn't want to complicate things because it wouldn't be worth potentially never seeing him again.

    I have started to think that maybe I should just be honest with him and tell him where I'm coming from? Not necessarily hoping that he would be into it, more so because I feel that in order for me to move on from this, I need to hear him say that there isn't a future between us.

    A strange part of me thinks that after hearing that (what I guess he would say), then I could accept the situation for what it has been. I am so scared of the possibility of never seeing him again though.


    I don't know. I am going to therapy tomorrow.
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    Feb 11, 2014 2:10 AM GMT
    Also, is it weird that at 20 years old I want to get into a serious monogamous relationship? I feel like I act like a 50 year old sometimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 2:13 AM GMT
    Wow, you've been thru so much lately. HUGS. Maybe it's not the end of the world if you tell him how you feel? You should at least try before you move on; then you'll never have to regret.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 2:42 AM GMT
    Im sure you will find good friends, you just have to move on..
    you're growing up too fast so Im pretty sure you will find a good guy.

    Believe in yourself buddy, life is full of surprises... takes risks in order to make a change and make things better.

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    Feb 11, 2014 4:11 AM GMT
    You have a lot going on. Maybe it would be good to go to the school counselor's office, and find someone to talk to about it?

    Anyone under the pressure you are under would benefit from that kind of support. With all that stuff going on, that kind of ally would make a huge difference.

    Most schools have counselors like that which are: 1) free; and 2) confidential.

    Just google your school's "student support" or "counseling" and I bet a phone number will come up.

    It will help you get through your tough situation now, and it will give you the tools to deal with challenging stuff in the future.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 4:22 AM GMT
    No one would blame you if you took some time off from school and moved away from it all, made some new friends, put yourself in a different environment for a bit. Sometimes you need to take a step back to evaluate.

    Warning: it doesn't solve the problems, it just gives you time to sort them out
  • jdotr_2

    Posts: 14

    Feb 11, 2014 4:27 AM GMT
    When I feel like shit, I write down everything I am thankful for, and my intentions of things I wish to have, but I write it in the present tense as if I already have it.
  • Saffron69

    Posts: 121

    Feb 11, 2014 4:35 AM GMT
    I'm not one to recommend therapy but dude I am for you... that is simply too many things happening to one person. You need help and support dude
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Feb 11, 2014 5:26 AM GMT
    tinabob saidAlso, is it weird that at 20 years old I want to get into a serious monogamous relationship? I feel like I act like a 50 year old sometimes.


    No, it's not necessarily weird. But ask yourself if it's just a bid for a sense of security rather than accepting all the change and uncertainty that are life; especially life for a twenty-something when your life is, necessarily, going to be all about process and change.

    My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 6:19 AM GMT
    How the ppl in our lives treat us is taught in the way we communicate. You need to deal w/ one issue at a time but you must make a choice and time is vital. You need to decide to put your happiness above everything else.
    Loosing a parent is devestating but knowing she loved you, you must realize she'd never want to see her child in such dispair. My first thought is to open up to this guy and see how he feels but his response might send you spiraling deeper so... Move on and realize you have more to offer than an occassional hookup. Deal w/ the loss of your mom and try to find a support system. Give yourself some time to heal but staying in this rutt can only lead to more negativity.
    I wish u well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 8:52 PM GMT
    I'm really sorry to hear about your mother; I work in healthcare and I've seen many people lose to cancer. It's a terrible, terrible thing.

    School situation: Even if you dont know what you want to do (which is OKAY, nobody knows what they want to major in immediately and you're going through a lot), it is good that you're getting your gen eds out of the way. I recommend looking into clubs/activities. It's a great way to meet new people and even sometimes just clear your head. If school is just too much for you right now, there is no shame in taking time off. Look into volunteer work around the country. I ended up taking off a semester in college to volunteer down south for a month. It was a very refreshing experience, especially at a time when I was so lost and confused with what direction my life was going in myself. Take your time, don't feel pressured and do what you feel is best for you. School is an important decision to make that comes with a series of more important decisions, so take your time and get things right.

    Guy situation: Well, you have three options here and you'll have to decide which one is going to work out best for you.

    1. Tell him how you really feel. Yes, you're taking a risk - you may chase him away or he may give you the "run-around". If you're really that into him though and you think he's worth the effort, try telling him how you feel.

    2. Cut ties with him all together. You seem to have already concluded that you like him more than he likes you and while you dont think that he's "using" you, you feel the situation is toxic; it's making you feel uncomfortable. Cutting things off now is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with this situation.

    3. Keep doing what you're doing, make peace with the situation and take it for what it's worth.

    To answer your question on whether or not it's weird for a 20-year old to want a relationship, the answer is absolutely not! I've been in serious relationships with men since I was 18 - and so have plenty of my friends. I've also taken time to just "do me" too. You've going through some traumatic experiences, it's perfectly normal to just want to be loved by another person.

    I wish you luck with everything!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2014 10:20 PM GMT
    I guess I'm going to eventually talk to him. I don't want to scare him away though. I want to ask him what his reality of the situation because we've never formally discussed anything like that. I feel like if I get a more definite idea of stuff then I'll be able to feel more sane about it all.

    Given our two very different places in life right now, I am aware that there is nothing realistic about us being together. I have been sort of wrapped up in this idea that one day down the road maybe we could be together and I want to ask him about this except I can't think of how to do it without possibly freaking him out. It's not like people plan on eventually dating so I don't know what to say.

  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Feb 11, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    tinabob saidI guess I'm gay. I don't really have a problem with this, but I am in a toxic situation with it. I met a guy a year ago online and we met up to basically have sex. We hung out every once in a while and before long I was in love with him. I have been so in love with him for about a year and I hate that I love him. We have never discussed our relationship with each other so it is so confusing. He is 15 years older than me. I don't think he's taking advantage of me or anything, but I think it is safe to say that I like him a lot more than he likes me.I never want to tell him how I truly feel because I don't want to complicate things being that I'm 15 years younger than him. I want to get over him but I am so in love with him. He sees other guys and that makes me feel like shit. I think me loving him so much has caused me confusion with my sexuality.


    THERE ARE YOUR RED FLAGS!

    I am in a relationship with a young guy 35 years younger than I am. We discuss our relationship. We do other things together besides sex. We frequently discuss our feelings for each other. We do not see other people for sex. We don't make each other feel like shit. Our relationship only confirms our sexuality not confuse it.

    And you say you don't think he's USING you?! Think again.

    You have too many other things to contend with right now in your life. You don't need him complicating things.


    Holy fuck....
    This made me icon_eek.gif
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Feb 22, 2014 8:13 PM GMT
    Jerk off