What to do when around friend who is constantly belittling people?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:03 PM GMT
    I have a friend who, whenever he sees someone who is not in shape or not the most attractive say VERY derogatory and hurtful things (not to them, but as an aside to me). I usually just laugh to try to satiate him and just move on, but it is a CONSTANT thing. I want to make him realize that these people could be his mom or dad, brother or sister (I have a brother who is autistic, so I know what it is like to being under people's scrutiny). What should I say to him next time he makes a remark...?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:04 PM GMT
    Get a new friend... He sounds like a real a-hole. I wouldn't surround myself with people like that in the first place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:05 PM GMT
    Drop him. He's not your friend
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    With stuff like that, it all hinges on how witty the putdowns are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:10 PM GMT
    I can't be around that type
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:13 PM GMT
    Ohno saidWith stuff like that, it all hinges on how witty the putdowns are.

    It is just constant all the time...it gets old really fast! Even better that he isn't such a looker himself!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:20 PM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidI have a friend who, whenever he sees someone who is not in shape or not the most attractive say VERY derogatory and hurtful things (not to them, but as an aside to me). I usually just laugh to try to satiate him and just move on, but it is a CONSTANT thing. I want to make him realize that these people could be his mom or dad, brother or sister (I have a brother who is autistic, so I know what it is like to being under people's scrutiny). What should I say to him next time he makes a remark...?


    Get short with him, and kill off all conversation right away. Go take care of some other business and talk to him later.

    If you can't do that, have a bunch of subjects/topics at the ready, and immediately steer the topic to what you prefer to discuss.

    Don't laugh or snicker to egg him on. Don't satiate him. Just coldly, and calmly, change the subject or eliminate the convo altogether.

    Let Mister Clever figure it out. If, after a few incidents, he hasn't figured it out, move on from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:21 PM GMT
    It's like my mom used to say: If a person is nice to you but rude to the waiter, that person is not nice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:40 PM GMT
    Back in the day they were known as psychic vampires, lol.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:42 PM GMT
    I went through this in my early 20's and regretfully even did it myself. I had a low self esteem and I think I did it in an effort to feel better about myself. But I soon learned it had the opposite effect as I grew up. Once I had stopped this behavior myself, I tried to get my friends to stop also. This almost never worked, so I had to distance myself from many people. In fact, I had to make completely new friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 6:53 PM GMT
    I would tell him honestly how I feel about it. Would get the best solution for sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidI have a friend who, whenever he sees someone who is not in shape or not the most attractive say VERY derogatory and hurtful things (not to them, but as an aside to me). I usually just laugh to try to satiate him and just move on, but it is a CONSTANT thing. I want to make him realize that these people could be his mom or dad, brother or sister (I have a brother who is autistic, so I know what it is like to being under people's scrutiny). What should I say to him next time he makes a remark...?


    So... What's he saying about you to his other friends?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 7:01 PM GMT
    If I was you, I would cut him off the talk right away, and if he asks why you did it, tell him the truth, and if he asks you, then why you laughed before, tell him that you felt shame on him and laughed for his pity.

    "It takes a lot of courage to confront your enemies, but even more to confront your friends."
    Albus Dumbledore
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    If he's truly your friend you owe it to him to call him out on his behavior and advise him to cut it out. He might get defensive in response, but let him be defensive if that's what he needs to do to safe face in the immediate moment. Then see if he changes his behavior after that. If on subsequent meetings he reverts to his old behavior then I agree with other posters that you should drop him as w friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    Seriously, you should be embarrassed to admit you would befriend someone like that.
    I have a young friend who likes to make jokes about hurting animals. I told him up front, "You do anything like that and you're dead to me."
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Feb 10, 2014 7:45 PM GMT
    Nebraskakid467 saidI usually just laugh to try to satiate him and just move on,


    Not this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    Just punch him in the face and tell him to shut the fuck up, and that you're tired of his negative bullshit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 8:02 PM GMT
    Please tell him. . .

    He has a problem that needs to be stopped, its rather pathetic really because its obvious he is so insecure in himself
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 8:07 PM GMT
    killercliche said
    Nebraskakid467 saidI usually just laugh to try to satiate him and just move on,


    Not this.
    Yup. OP is just encouraging his friend to continue with his poor behavior.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2014 8:09 PM GMT
    Broseph saidYou could just let him know that all of the put downs of people's appearances "used to be hilarious (no, really)," but now they feel kinda immature and you're not feeling it anymore. Who knows, maybe he's just trying to keep up appearances (of being cool) for you and is fine to stop.

    Or... pick nicer friends icon_confused.gif

    This would be a great option in my opinion because it might do a few of things: 1) make him realize that he's making you uncomfortable 2) open a dialog to discuss what he does and 3) make him more aware of what he's doing. He might not even realize but if someone points it out, he might better understand how it reflects upon him.

    It seems most people do this because of an insecurity they have within themselves and to compensate they try and elevate their own stature by degrading and belittling others.

    As for dumping him, I'd say no. He's your friend so instead of dumping him, help him. Get a dialog started so that you can explain to him how wrong you feel it is, how poorly it reflects on him and if he doesn't buy into it, tell him that you're going to remind him every time he belittles someone. Soon my guess is that he'll see what you're saying.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2014 2:00 AM GMT
    Even though I've long thought of myself mostly as an existentialist, as late as into my 30s I was still somewhat deluded into thinking I could purposely influence others to be more or other than how they presented themselves to be.

    So in my 30s I took on a friendship with a very intelligent, often extremely funny guy who had a mean streak I thought I could help to calm.

    After about 10 years of friendship, I finally opened my eyes to the fact that he just kept getting worse. Our last three times together was in his car. The third to last time he popped his brights purposely right into the eyes of some black guys walking down the street towards us, blinding them. The 2nd to last time together, we were about to round a corner where clearly a white woman had just stepped out into the street to cross. He saw her yet put his foot on the accelerator, forcing her back onto the curb. Our last time together was pulling into a restaurant parking lot and again he revved the engine, this time to force an elderly gentleman walking from the restaurant to rush out of our way. That ended our relationship.

    He considers himself a great humanitarian but he is contemptuous of people. I thought I could untwist him but I was wrong. People are who they are.

    Now if I see that someone is a douche, I don't make them convince me. I believe them instead.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    I was best friends with a guy who ended up dating Satan. The both of them would just sit there and mock/make fun of everyone. Some people they didn't know, and others they did and insult them behind their backs. They would call guys ugly, fat, etc. In the meantime, neither of them was what you'd call attractive in gay (or straight) standards for that matter. I just sat there with them one night and thought to msyelf, "WTF am I doing here with these losers?" That was the last night I hung out with my best friend. I dropped him that night, haven't talked to him in over 2 years and I don't regret it one bit.

    Your friends are a reflection of you. End of story. If they go against something you stand for, drop'em like it's hot. Life's too short to surround yourself with the wrong people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2014 3:59 AM GMT
    Before I came out I was very bad about criticizing others. A total bitch. Could my gay side have already been expressing itself?

    And a fellow Army Captain (a woman, actually) asked me why I never said anything nice about anyone. Why was I always negative.

    And for some reason that made me think. I WAS all negative, she was right, and it made me ashamed.

    So I determined to turn that around. I learned to say nice things about other people. And to this day, if you meet me in person, I still do.

    As for the OP's friend, maybe he just needs to be told. It worked for me, when I was confronted. "Why are you always so negative? Why can't you ever be nice and positive about other people?"

    I dunno. It worked with me, maybe it'll work with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2014 4:12 AM GMT
    Kuestion saidGet a new friend... He sounds like a real a-hole. I wouldn't surround myself with people like that in the first place.



    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2014 5:54 AM GMT
    Advice: Don't think you can be around that energy without it affecting you. We choose the ppl in our lives and in return they teach us about self. What has he tought you about you. Maybe it's time to move on.