I caught my boyfriend replying to a Craigslist "casual encounters" ad.

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    Feb 11, 2014 9:17 PM GMT
    I went snooping through my (ex)boyfriend's phone (I know, god forbid, horrible thing) and I caught him replying to a craigslist sex ad... titled "Chubby Cocksucker" - the guy was nearly 300lbs and 50 years old. I was stunned. We had been seeing each other for a few months before making it official/exclusive. He says that he just did this for the "thrill" of it and swore up and down that he had no intentions of meeting up with him. I would be more inclined to believe this if he were just asking for pictures or something, but his message blatantly gave his stats and asked if the guy was "looking for tonight". I also found that he had made an adam4adam account around the same time.

    Now, I'm 100% open to people's interests - I've even got a few kinks of my own. However, even if it didn't happen and he is telling the truth, something tells me that he's got quite an obsession for daddies and this proves that he compulsively acted on it. My trust for him sank to 0 and I pretty much cut things off right there and then.

    Call it a moment of weakness, but sometimes I wonder whether or not I've made the right decision. Should I have given him another chance? Does anyone else have experience with this sort of thing? I'm just looking for some insight as I am still mortified over this situation.
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    Feb 12, 2014 12:27 AM GMT
    Standard RJ response would be: "Why were YOU snooping through his phone? Sounds like YOU'RE the one with insecurity issues! You have only yourself to blame for driving him away to a cocksucking bari/geriatric! And why AREN'T you in a open relationship like the rest of us? That would've solved everything!"
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    Feb 12, 2014 12:40 AM GMT
    Ok, he did it for the thrill. Let's go with that.


    He clearly has low standards and he's a liar. That's a problem!
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    Feb 12, 2014 3:17 AM GMT
    hentailover saidStandard RJ response would be: "Why were YOU snooping through his phone? Sounds like YOU'RE the one with insecurity issues! You have only yourself to blame for driving him away to a cocksucking bari/geriatric! And why AREN'T you in a open relationship like the rest of us? That would've solved everything!"


    If OP's boyfriend did really plan to cheat, it wasn't OP's fault in any way. He is not responsible for his bf's action.

    But yes, as to the first part, I think it's quite psychotic to go through your loved one's personal communication because you're scared they're not faithful. There are psychotherapists for that.
  • Theotherone

    Posts: 6

    Feb 12, 2014 5:30 AM GMT
    My now ex did this last week. I found out from a friend that he had made a profile on A4A. He said it was just for friends and workout buddies. He gave me his word...Later I found out that he was talking to another friend and saying things like "I'm dating a guy right now, but I wouldn't mind meeting up and seeing where things go." I confronted him and he said he only intended to jack off with them. I broke it off. Too many lies...
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    Feb 12, 2014 6:00 AM GMT
    Rita said
    If OP's boyfriend did really plan to cheat, it wasn't OP's fault in any way. He is not responsible for his bf's action.

    But yes, as to the first part, I think it's quite psychotic to go through your loved one's personal communication because you're scared they're not faithful. There are psychotherapists for that.


    You're right, how psychotic of me for being scared that my boyfriend might not be being faithful... and doing something like responding to "casual encounters" Craigslist ads. He would never do a thing like that. Yeah bud, I'll seek psychotherapy, thanks! *Naive housewife smile*

    Ya think if he made me feel secure I'd still be going through his phone? I'm not paranoid. I'm also not naive or stupid.

    Besides, I don't know what the big deal is with men and their "personal communication" - as if there is classified information in there. There is nothing in my in my phone that I'd be that concerned about a partner getting a hold of.
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    Feb 12, 2014 6:06 AM GMT
    hentailover saidStandard RJ response would be: "Why were YOU snooping through his phone? Sounds like YOU'RE the one with insecurity issues! You have only yourself to blame for driving him away to a cocksucking bari/geriatric! And why AREN'T you in a open relationship like the rest of us? That would've solved everything!"


    Haha, sounds like RJ's got the gay reality figured out.
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    Feb 12, 2014 6:16 AM GMT
    Theotherone saidMy now ex did this last week. I found out from a friend that he had made a profile on A4A. He said it was just for friends and workout buddies. He gave me his word...Later I found out that he was talking to another friend and saying things like "I'm dating a guy right now, but I wouldn't mind meeting up and seeing where things go." I confronted him and he said he only intended to jack off with them. I broke it off. Too many lies...



    It's the dishonesty that I couldn't rationalize with. What made me suspicious in the first place was one day I used his laptop and I saw that "adam4adam.com" was in his history, despite him saying that he had deleted his account on there months ago. I had discovered in the email that he had made another.

    That's the problem with lying; once you catch one, there's no telling where it ends or where it begins.
  • detroiten124

    Posts: 4

    Feb 12, 2014 12:07 PM GMT
    I went through a similar situation to this. Me and my ex were together for the better part of a year and, though we had grown very close, I always had that gut feeling something wasn't quite right. Like there was some unseen distance between us.

    When it got especially bad one day I finally checked his phone and also found texts arranging to meet up with someone for sex. It's a horrible, shocking thing to go through and if you truly felt strongly about someone else it's a tricky thing to just move past. It takes time. I cried, was completely devastated. I couldn't believe the person who I was with turned out to be 'this' person, and that by proxy I turned out to be 'that' person. Inevitably when you're with someone you create expectations, big and small, and when these all come crashing down at once the sense of disappointment is enormous. It was worse in a way as I never had confirmation he'd ever gone through with it, which sort of makes you doubt yourself, but still his actions were not one of a healthy relationship (or to be honest a healthy person).

    I tried to make it work beyond this point but there was just no trust there any more and I kept finding the lies cropping up in other places, until it came to light he'd been on various websites since we met. You can't conduct a relationship without trust, and so you made the only real decision you had left. Don't beat yourself up for it and think there was another option, I'm afraid those options were taken from you when he proved himself untrustworthy.

    So when I went through this similar thing to you someone sent me this. It's from some book or something, but I found it really helped.
    "I used to spend more time thinking than doing, and the main area of thought expenditure was contemplating whether if I’d done A + B instead of A + Z whether I would have got C, the relationship that I wanted and envision I would’ve got…if only I’d done the ‘right’ things.
    Assuming that A is all the things I believed I did right and that B is all the things I’ve decided in retrospect that I should have done, then obviously Z is the things that I identified as being the screw up’s that lead to the demise of the relationship.

    If you’ve been through this thought process of pondering the coulda,woulda, shoulda’s of your relationship, you’ll recognise how mentally consuming and self-defeating it is.

    It’s raking over your relationship and obsessing about it so that you can look for reasons to not only blame yourself but identify ‘solutions’.

    While some of the ‘errors’ that you believe you made probably weren’t the most productive or healthy thing for a relationship, some of the things that you view as errors aren’t - you perceive them as wrongdoings because you don’t know your own values and boundaries or what a healthy relationship looks like.

    This activity keeps you invested in the person and the idea of the relationship that you think you’ve robbed yourself of."

    It takes a while but you'll work through this I'm sure. You seem intelligent and grounded.

    To the people talking about snooping, when I think how long I had that gut feeling, and how much longer he could have kept talking to/flirting with/possibly even sleeping with other guys behind my back without me knowing, I am SO relieved I checked. If you say one thing to someone like let's be exclusive, then continue to act in a way completely contradictory to it, doesn't the other person have a right to know? Would have saved me a lot of heartache if he'd been honest, but unfortunately he turned out to be a dishonest person in that respect.
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    Feb 12, 2014 12:18 PM GMT
    If i were you , my first reaction wouldve been giving a tight punch to his jaw , then dragging him by collar and showing his act of cheating / fooling me , then giving him a punch and a kick throwing him out of the home
  • frogman89

    Posts: 418

    Feb 12, 2014 12:35 PM GMT
    I don't think I would have snooped through his phone, but confronted him directly. I do understand why you did that though, since there were pretty clear hints.

    And I do understand that his apparent obsession for daddies and his compulsive behavior repulsed you.

    In my eyes you did little wrong and you are probably better off without him.



    Plus, imagine giving him a second chance: YOU will always have his kink in mind and will always wonder if he cheats on you nonetheless, and HE will always accuse you of trying to control him. Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the cracks in the reflection. And soon "being together because you love him" will turn to "being together because I'm afraid of losing him". And that's no love anymore.
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    Feb 12, 2014 1:55 PM GMT
    hentailover saidStandard RJ response would be: "Why were YOU snooping through his phone? Sounds like YOU'RE the one with insecurity issues! You have only yourself to blame for driving him away to a cocksucking bari/geriatric! And why AREN'T you in a open relationship like the rest of us? That would've solved everything!"


    I can't say I have read any widespread advocating of open relationships on RJ, nor have I seen any evidence that such relationships are common among RJ members.
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    Feb 12, 2014 2:16 PM GMT
    There is nothing wrong with going through your boyfriends phone. If he doesn't have anything to hide then everything is okay. I'd rather go through his phone and find out what's up then waste any more precious time with some unfaithful loser.
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    Feb 12, 2014 2:18 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidSounds like one option would be for you both to forgive each other and give an explanation:

    * He should explain why if he's going to step out on you - it would be with a fat slob? Seriously. Is that what he's into? You deserve an answer. And why is he stepping out at all? Boredom? Having trouble adhering to monogamy?

    * You should explain why you're pawing through his phone history. If you did that to me, I'd be so pissed and bewildered. I'd want to know why you did that - - - since I'd most likely never, ever paw through your phone.

    Once the quiet, rational discussion is underway - you can decide whether to call it quits, or if this is just something for you both to work through.


    having been on both sides of this in previous relationships, i think this is the best advice. have a rational conversation about trust, respect and sexual expectations. create the relationship that is good for you and your boyfriend, not one that others tell you is right or wrong.
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    Feb 12, 2014 2:19 PM GMT
    Going through his phone wasn't the best idea but since you found all of this out, well there is trust issues obviously and if I were in your shoes, that would be grounds for breaking up and moving on. When you are happy and secure with your relationship, going on Craigslist, Adam4Adam and Grindr for "thrills" is not normal.
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    Feb 12, 2014 2:31 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidPeople are going to give you a hard time because you went snooping through your boyfriend's phone. But I'm getting the impression that you had a hunch that something was going on. And from what you're expressing here, it appears that your hunch or suspicion was dead on. Unfortunately, it's important to listen to those hunches in order to really know what type of situation you're in. My biggest pet peeve is lying. I'm inclined to kick a boyfriend to the curb if they're lying about this type of matter. This is not something lighthearted. He could possibly be cheating on you. And who's to say that just because you caught him in some type of phone conversation now, that he hadn't done so a week or a couple of weeks or a month ago prior?



    "it appears that your hunch or suspicion was dead on. "

    Funny (not really) how often these hunches turn out to be true. In hindsight, over many many decades, very seldom has the instinct proven to be unfounded.
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    Feb 12, 2014 2:32 PM GMT
    at any time your husband should be able to look at your cell phone, email, bank account, or visa bill. Its like a child going through his mothers under ware drawer.

    Its not difficult to keep things simple. LOVE THE ONE YOUR WITH BY LOVING YOUR SELF FIRST.


    so you caught your bf cheating?
    If you have a lot invested in your significant other attempt to discuss the transgression with him. There is free gay couples training the LGBT center these days. Demand you both go there. Its free; so the counselor will be up front. If both boys dont show forward progress they will tell you to go away.

    investment?
    If you have known him only a few months kick him to the curb because re gaining lost trust is super difficult. You dont want this in your life: the constant looking over your shoulder and the love hate.





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    Feb 12, 2014 3:59 PM GMT
    You weren't exclusive that's the thing. The weird part is he's going after this guy who is nothing like you, so much older and heavier. It's probably good that you did snoop. He could have gotten a nasty bug and passed it on to you.
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    Feb 12, 2014 4:08 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    Call it a moment of weakness, but sometimes I wonder whether or not I've made the right decision. Should I have given him another chance?


    Another chance at what? The opportunity to lie to you? icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 12, 2014 4:10 PM GMT
    Rolfron saidI went snooping through my (ex)boyfriend's phone (I know, god forbid, horrible thing) and I caught him replying to a craigslist sex ad... titled "Chubby Cocksucker" - the guy was nearly 300lbs and 50 years old. I was stunned. We had been seeing each other for a few months before making it official/exclusive. He says that he just did this for the "thrill" of it and swore up and down that he had no intentions of meeting up with him. I would be more inclined to believe this if he were just asking for pictures or something, but his message blatantly gave his stats and asked if the guy was "looking for tonight". I also found that he had made an adam4adam account around the same time.

    Now, I'm 100% open to people's interests - I've even got a few kinks of my own. However, even if it didn't happen and he is telling the truth, something tells me that he's got quite an obsession for daddies and this proves that he compulsively acted on it. My trust for him sank to 0 and I pretty much cut things off right there and then.

    Call it a moment of weakness, but sometimes I wonder whether or not I've made the right decision. Should I have given him another chance? Does anyone else have experience with this sort of thing? I'm just looking for some insight as I am still mortified over this situation.


    Can't blame yourself for being curious as to what your man was up to behind the scenes. Like I always say, curiosity killed the cat, not the gay guy icon_razz.gif He shouldn't have been on any hookup sites since you guys were exclusive. I really can't blame you for breaking things off because if I saw what you have, I'd most likely break things off and maybe knock his lyin ass out. The people on here do have a point about snooping on his phone. Next time, consider this: If I don't completely trust him, either I sense something is going on behind my back or I need to work on not fearing being cheated on or hurt. Gotta communicate any doubts or concerns before things like this happen. Then if he still starts to creep, you did your part to fix things and all the blame will be on his back.
  • allatonce

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    Feb 12, 2014 4:22 PM GMT
    Wow that's pretty crazy! You're super cute so I'm sure you will meet someone new soon. I wouldn't give the guy another chance after that. Really low thing to do.
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    Feb 12, 2014 4:27 PM GMT
    Sometimes it's easier to buy a new chair then it is to fix a broken one.
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    Feb 12, 2014 5:05 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    Theotherone saidMy now ex did this last week. I found out from a friend that he had made a profile on A4A. He said it was just for friends and workout buddies. He gave me his word...Later I found out that he was talking to another friend and saying things like "I'm dating a guy right now, but I wouldn't mind meeting up and seeing where things go." I confronted him and he said he only intended to jack off with them. I broke it off. Too many lies...



    It's the dishonesty that I couldn't rationalize with. What made me suspicious in the first place was one day I used his laptop and I saw that "adam4adam.com" was in his history, despite him saying that he had deleted his account on there months ago. I had discovered in the email that he had made another.

    That's the problem with lying; once you catch one, there's no telling where it ends or where it begins.


    Watch the show DTLA. It's major theme is wether this white guy is cheating on his black attorney BF.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 12, 2014 5:20 PM GMT
    What you guys don't know about relationships could fill a thread. Lots of guys have kinks in their heads and never act on them but instead get enough by flirting with the idea. The OP was snooping around and ran into his partner's. Maybe his partner should have confessed that he had this kink, but maybe he wasn't sure of his partner's reaction. Which was justified, apparently. You say "even if it didn't happen and he is telling the truth" but he has this kink and that proves he acted on it. No it doesn't. You even say so yourself. You just don't care for this kink. Well maybe he doesn't care for yours. "I've even got a few kinks of my own." Have you acted on them? The snooping was childish and your reaction was also immature. You should have discussed it. And maybe set acceptable limits. And then at least try trust. That's how relationships are made. No one is perfect.
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    Feb 12, 2014 5:27 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidWhat you guys don't know about relationships could fill a thread. Lots of guys have kinks in their heads and never act on them but instead get enough by flirting with the idea. The OP was snooping around and ran into his partner's. Maybe his partner should have confessed that he had this kink, but maybe he wasn't sure of his partner's reaction. Which was justified, apparently. You say "even if it didn't happen and he is telling the truth" but he has this kink and that proves he acted on it. No it doesn't. You even say so yourself. You just don't care for this kink. Well maybe he doesn't care for yours. "I've even got a few kinks of my own." Have you acted on them? The snooping was childish and your reaction was also immature. You should have discussed it. And maybe set acceptable limits. And then at least try trust. That's how relationships are made. No one is perfect.


    it boggles my mind that one can even say something like this and say "at least try trust". He went behind his back and did all of this without telling him! how is that a free pass? It was his boyfriend that was not truthful, he stumbled into that information, finding it in the history, and then acted on it- and thank god other wise who knows what kind of bs his boyfriend was doing behind his back, and you say try trust. Just, no.