Is Soulmate a fairy tale?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2008 3:20 PM GMT
    this is from one of my favorite bloggers on myspace:


    Why do so many of us incessantly seek a soulmate? Why do many people dream of meeting someone special to spend their entire lives with? Isn't that funny how for thousands of years men and women have met someone they thought would be with them forever, and then, some shit happened and they got separated, and in many instances even started to hate each other? What happened to those very magical moments when they used to look into each other's eyes and swear they would never be apart?

    And even though we know it hasn't worked out well for millions of people for thousands of years, we still believe that it can happen to us, and it can and will be different for us? How come we have not yet lost faith completely on this potential fairly tale called love? Why haven't we gotten completely discouraged by the zillion divorces/separations we witness all the time?



    In the gay community, more so I dare to say, than in the straight world, dating and breaking up is the norm, not the rule. I know so very few truly happy gay couple. Most men I know are either single or in miserable relationships trying to get the fuck out of them. However, there is this small number of people who I know, who truly got it right, and right they have gotten it for many many many years. But those, my friends, are very rare exceptions.


    Another question is: Are we supposed to meet one person and spend the remaining of our lives with them, or is life supposed to be composed of temporary relationships until we die? Should we give up on trying, hoping, wanting, to stay together forever and just accept the fact such thing doesn't exist, and embrace the reality of going through several relationships until the party is over?


    Tough questions. I don't have the answers to them, but I will say this: You have to know yourself. Are you the type who, after a couple of years, or months, gets enough of your partner and crave something new, regardless of how perfect your partner is? I mean, he is gorgeous, sex is amazing, he is the ideal lover but even then you just can' be loyal? Your body and mind miss being with someone different; you walk in the streets and if a super hot guy comes up to you it is impossible for you to just walk away or tell him you got someone and you end up exchanging numbers or even fucking? If you are, then I think you better get ready to be passed around for the rest of your life like a Russian hooker on payday in Moscow. Mister right is just not right for you.



    Now, if you are the type that tends to love and appreciate your partner more and more as time goes by. The kind of person who the more you become familiar with your partner the more turned on you get, regardless of how his looks progress or regress. The type of man who really crave what is familiar, the home like feeling, rather than newness, the unknown, the kind of lover who after months and months and possibly years with your partner, your senses always drive you back home rather than out there looking, trying to have a little taste of the forbidden fruit. And when you are alone at the gym or at a bar and you meet a drop dead gorgeous guy, he approaches you, you love the attention but tell him that you are taken, then my friend, you are the marrying type and definitely, surely, certainly, there is a mister right for you out there somewhere. And when you do meet him, there is a very big probability that you two will stay together, grow together, become one together and remain together until the final goodbye.


    I was in a relationship for many many years. Back then I used to travel the world (Still do but not as often) every month. I was always somewhere between Asia, Africa and Europe. During those trips, I met many hot guys and often times I felt lonely and horny and tempted to bring them to my hotel room. But every time I thought about laying next to someone other than my BF, my body and mind completely rejected the idea. Their body scent wasn't the same as my BF's, which I was familiar with, their skin wouldn't feel the same, their breath wouldn't taste the same, I wouldn't know precisely where to touch them, like I knew how and where to touch my BF, but most of all, their smiles couldn't compare to his, and that I could not handle. After so many years, all of me craved home, him, not the newness, the unknown, the foreign. They were sexy men, but they were not my sexy man, they were not my baby, my mister right.


    Nearly everyday someone either at the gym, bars, streets, restaurants or on myspace throw me hook up invitations (I am sure the same happens to everyone). My response is always the same: I don't do hook ups. I like to date. I am not a saint, but I just happen not to feel comfortable fucking someone I know nothing about. I need to feel a little familiar with you first, at least. I guess we are who we are. Some find amazing excitement in fucking a stranger (s), some, politely say thanks but no thanks. There is no right or wrong here. There is only what is you, me, us, and what is not.


    Find out, if you don't already know, who you are and what you are about, and don't compromise it. Be you no matter how hard you feel tempted to be otherwise. Then find someone who shares your principles, whatever they are. If you get to be who you are, you will get it right, whatever right means for you.

  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 19, 2008 4:59 PM GMT
    Thank you redbull for that blogger's daily input.

    In my experience, soulmate came off as a fairy tale. An ideal that I'd dreamed of along with the Happily Ever After stories. After dating women, boinking with men, deep down I never thought I'd meet my guy. Then one day I met one particular man who I was smitten with, so smitten that I did not see the jerk that he is. I thought that was my guy, my 'soulmate" whom I had to work with to build a relationship. But one day, I was actually relieved to be free of him.

    It was sometime when I actually met a wonderful right man, we're working hard on our relationship but we're going somewhere. Is he my soulmate? I wouldn't know but he gets me, and I understand him. I oink-to-boink with other guys but don't find it satisfying.

    I mean, who else blindfolds and ties me up best but him icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2008 5:54 PM GMT
    Yes I believe you can have a soulmate. But I also believe it is possible that there could be dozens of potential soulmates for a person, not just one. The tricky part is crossing paths.
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    Dec 19, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    It's an interesting commentary. While he make many insightful, even if common, statements, he also tends to compartmentalize people in some statements and make sweeping generalizations in others.

    Personally, I think that if you are happy and know the difference between what you want and what you need, and you find someone who's in the same place and there's mutual attraction. Then you have a chance at a successful relationship. Even then you either grow together or grow apart.

    If your unhappy, then being in a relationship or not isn't going to change that.

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    Dec 19, 2008 7:21 PM GMT
    Its a huge mistake to hang your happiness on another person.
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    Dec 19, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    redbullNow, if you are the type that tends to love and appreciate your partner more and more as time goes by. The kind of person who the more you become familiar with your partner the more turned on you get, regardless of how his looks progress or regress. The type of man who really crave what is familiar, the home like feeling, rather than newness, the unknown, the kind of lover who after months and months and possibly years with your partner, your senses always drive you back home rather than out there looking, trying to have a little taste of the forbidden fruit.


    Well damn, if that just didn't blow me over... icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 19, 2008 9:59 PM GMT
    bgcat57 saidIf your unhappy, then being in a relationship or not isn't going to change that.


    Alpha13 saidIts a huge mistake to hang your happiness on another person.


    Did i miss it somewhere? I didn't see anything about finding happiness in a relationship....
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    Dec 19, 2008 10:11 PM GMT
    Probably icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 20, 2008 12:44 AM GMT


    Happiest 19 year mistake we ever made.
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    Dec 20, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    Of course love hurts! It's supposed to be excruciating!

    It's that pain that gives all the golden moments their luster. There is happiness out there, but the price is high and is paid with anguish. Love dosn't last, but when it's over there are no regrets; better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. People split over such stupid trivial things now, relationships don't have the fortitude they used to. Everyone just needs to put all the bullshit aside and stick together to the end, hopefully when gays are treated like humans and allowed to get married the relationships will be more binding, till death do us part.

    The thing people don't understand anymore is that love and death go hand in hand.
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    Dec 20, 2008 1:29 AM GMT
    I've been burnt before, felt hopeless for a while, but life is too long/short to stop believing in that dream of a soulmate.
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    Dec 20, 2008 1:45 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    Happiest 19 year mistake we ever made.




    awwwwwwwwww damn one day i might have that icon_cry.gif
  • Akula

    Posts: 130

    Dec 20, 2008 2:01 AM GMT
    Too many people think a person will make them happy, you will NEVER be happy with someone unless you can be happy alone. I've been with my bf for almost 9 years now. We have been through some shitty times and will be through more I;m sure. The best advice we ever got was from a couple that were at the time togeather over 22 years, they said if you love each other work through the shit if you end the relationship and enter a new one you'll just face different shit. So like anything else a relationship is TWO people working on it not ONE trying to keep it togeather. If one of the people doesn't care its doomed no matter how hard you try. So are there soul mates? I've no idea but I do know there are some great guys out there that given the chance would make great life partners. Just my 2 cents worth.
    Merry HOHO
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Dec 20, 2008 2:03 AM GMT
    I think I put relationships on a pedestal. I'd love to be in one of course, I'm like a hopeless romantic.

    My problem is I'm like a dog chasing cars.. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one.
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    Dec 20, 2008 2:19 AM GMT
    ................................................Photobucket
    OMG! Given the fact that a soulmate is a fairy tale and that for thousands of years straight people have been managing but always splitting, these queens sure know a lot about monogamy!
    These people who wrote on this blog, no wonder they are alone, who could stand them?

    It sounds like they bring a TON of baggage, preconception, and bone crushing pressure to any potential relationship. They sound needy, clingy, and what's worse, lazy.They seem to think a relationship is an entitlement....FAIL! A relationship is something someone must first, find and sometime they find it in a most immature state. After they find it, it must be cultivated; then, when it grows up, it must be maintained.

    From what I hear from other gay men is they simply do not want to do the work. I have my theories on why they are like this. First, I think it's from unbalanced socialization: during their impressionable years, they've been taught all about straight life and have had their heads filled with idealistic straight relationship forms.

    They learned nothing about gay relationships because our community (or atleast in this sense) is in its infancy and I think the groundwork is being laid now by guys who dare break free from the pack and attempt a normal stable relationship. What is it? Hard to know, its not normal yet; the straight community has relationship norms, formulas, and forms, but they don't always work for everyone and they took a lot of time to validate. Even in the straight community, two people have to discover what works for them and only lean on those patterns or norms as guidelines. I think in the gay community, not sure why, people use those straight relationship patterns/norms as a strict foundation.

    They really should approach gay relationships with a much clearer mind, much the same way a novice playing a new sport strikes his first ball, or swings his first bat....with humility. Instead, they come to the table with a self rigtheous arrogance, a haugthiness that says: I know this, I know how it should be.

    It is no small wonder that when you talk to gay men and ask them to describe a relationship, it sounds like a fairytale that they describe.

    The second reason I think gay men have trouble starting relationships is because of all of the preconceptions they harbor. The questions they ask mirror these preconceptions or should I call them outright lies about relationships and the gay community. For instance, if they ask: how can I settle down with a gay man when all gay men want is sex, this screams loud and clear that they have a very negative outlook on their community. It's hard to give them advice then. How can you if they think the entire community is a hopeless cause? Yet, they persist in asking these questions; the answers are always common sense.

    NO, life is not an eternal party.

    NO, every gay man is not a sex fiend.

    NO, straight life is not a Utopia, and

    NO, you can't know for certain if any one relationship will go the distance.

    Go the distance.....this is another problem. Who's to decide how long a successful relationship should last? It is my opinion that if a man had a great relationship for two years and then it ended, he still had a successful relationship, maybe next time he could even go for five or longer. However, these gay men who come to the table with a stipulation that a relationship last FOREVER are just bonkers in my opinion.

    They can't expect anything to last forever, but they expect a relationship to and before they even completely know the guy no less....sad.

    I always give the same advice: relax, stop generaliziting, and be realistic. I tell them sometimes love is found in its infancy and that pressure kills it. It must mature in its own time, not on the stipulations one places upon it. After its older and you've earned it with time and care, only then can you evaluate it as a complete thing and theorize how long it may last. Even then, one can't be sure.

    However, if a girl goes around bogged down with all these preconceptions, misconceptions, and lies, what happens is they become jaded and they shut out possibilities.
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    Dec 20, 2008 2:36 AM GMT

    Miasma said, "Of course love hurts! It's supposed to be excruciating!

    It's that pain that gives all the golden moments their luster. There is happiness out there, but the price is high and is paid with anguish. Love dosn't last,..."

    Heavens to Mergatroids, Miasma, I don't know whether to hug you or turn you over my knee (though both, I'm told, I do pleasurably). Optimism folks! That's how we did it...

    -Doug of meninlove

    exit, stage right
  • novajava

    Posts: 62

    Dec 20, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    Bravo! meninlove
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Dec 20, 2008 4:32 AM GMT
    We're naked apes. Fucking comes naturally, maybe even short- and long-term pair-bonding-- lots of species do that-- but "romance," with its fantasies about 'soul-mates' and being 'made for each other,' is a bit of human artifice. There's compatibility, certainly, whereby some people get along more easily than others, and there's choice, whereby we can make a decision to invest effort into a relationship that makes us more happy than unhappy. But the notion that any other person out there exists "for you" by some supernatural design, to "complete you"... well that's a magical-thinking delusion that people buy into because in a world beyond our control it's comforting to think that the universe or some deity has a plan for us whereby none of us "has to be alone."

    Personally, I find it unfortunate that insecurity and fear of being by one's self clouds so many people's ability to think realistically. But all that can be done for that is educating people to be rational; and encouraging them to develop their own character, to be comfortable with themselves, and to face the world as it is without looking for feel-good shortcuts/remedies, so that they won't go around clinging to fantasies and depending on other people to supplement their identity.
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    Dec 20, 2008 4:46 AM GMT
    Love can only be found when people know who they are and are willing to act who they are.

    relationships are built through hard times and good times. I admit and so do my straight friends that there is always a longing to be with the pretty/handsome person that catches their eyes walking down the street and sometimes they act on it. BUT they feel like crap afterwards.

    Their heart belongs to their mate - the other was a form of self indulgence.

    I think soulmates exist and they exist through building a relationship where there are connections beyond the physical.
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    Dec 20, 2008 4:56 AM GMT
    well i dont do relationships

    after two weeks i close people out


    so yes



    its all a fairy tale

    fuck men

    i hate em

    but they

    are..

    ... oh so damn sexy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    I'm open to meeting someone that I would spend the rest of my life with.

    I'm also open to the possibility that I might not have that.

    However, I do think there's someone out there for me. And, I believe that love and relationships are possible for those that are willing to do the work and compromise that comes with all the good stuff.

    I'm not likely to use the words "soul mate," and, I imagine that I'd be more likely to aim for a "husband," but, not in the traditional hetero framework. Know what I mean?

    Thanks for posting the blog and the questions, redbull!
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    Dec 20, 2008 5:47 AM GMT
    Gay men are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
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    Dec 20, 2008 5:49 AM GMT
    A couple of you made references to this article about happiness = relationships. I never read that or got that impression that the article was about that at all.

    Personally, I believe people come in and out of our lives for a specific time and/or reason, whether it's 5 minutes or 500 years! Each relationship, intimate or platonic, is meant to teach you/you teach them and once that "teaching"/growth is done, then the relationship is done. Each individual grows and evolves, and the people that were around you 15 years ago are probably not the same crowd you're with now. Your perspectives, your priorities change and head off in to a different direction and if those people don't accept or care for, then the relationship is either done or becomes not as strong.

    Now, if you're lucky enough to find someone that can stick with you and you with them for a "lifetime" then MAJOR kudos to you!!!! However that is not the norm!

    So the "soulmate" can be a 5 minute thing or a lifetime thing!

    That's just my way of looking at it....